I don’t know what happened.. It just happened. Without any warnings. Bad decisions one after another. Then I just found myself having this kind of life. I actually don’t know what to feel. ‘Coz it feels like I’m a totally different person now haunted by my past life.
I was so depressed the last time I remember. Then I found an escape route to avoid more heartaches. This time I feel like I’m free yet still imprison. Sounds ironic, right? Yeah, maybe my life is planned to be ironic. The plan for my life is a disaster.
I have a job now. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing though. ‘Coz I was looking at some parts of myself and realized it was slowly fading. I am such a happy-go-lucky girl, full of humour and joy. I crack some jokes from time to time to my friends. I engage with deep conversations that is healing to one’s life and soul. Now, all I see is a void. A lost woman with no identity. I turned out to be this antisocial person who keeps quiet during group talks. I can’t even engage with them properly because it seems like I forgot how to. I just keep silent; most of the time thinking what have happened to me. This isn’t me before. But it is me now. And I unmindedly choose this way. The moment I ran away from my calling is the moment I threw away every ounce of beautiful things inside of me. I may be beautiful outside but my soul is purely black. With no sense of being. Just plain person with no more soul.
And, yeah, this is my life right now. Living inside of my comfort zone. Unsure of what life lies ahead. But surprisingly, I’m liking it. ‘Coz I felt like a real person. A human. Full of flaws, mistakes and uncertainty. This is how it shouldn’t be. But believing for something great in my life already died a long time ago. I just want to go with the flow. Although still fearing of the future, fearing for the prophecy, I’ll still go with the flow and see where this choice will lead me. Regret or reward will come soon so maybe I just have to prepare for it.
It’s been a long time since I last wrote something about myself. But writing keeps my soul awake. No matter how many grammar lapses I have in every paragraph, I still want to write. ‘Coz it’s my only cure. ‘Coz I’m bottling up all my emotions inside and I couldn’t think of any person to damp all my frustrations in life. How I miss writing. How I miss forming words while tapping my fingers to the keyboard. How I miss typing every word that comes in my mind no matter how random it is.
Going back to my life right now. I just want to ask myself if I’m happy. Am I happy? I think it’s such a hard question. ‘Coz maybe I’m happy but not to the point of being joyful. It’s a shallow kind of happy. Not the kind of happy that penetrates to the deepest of my soul. My mind is in ruckus right now.
Maybe I’ll just indulge myself with lots of K-dramas to heal my soul temporarily. Let me just escape, even for just two days. Just give me time to recharge myself and to go back to a life that is full of shenanigans.