I can never forgive myself.
I thought I was so over it. I thought I’m ready to embrace this world that I entered in the moment I left the old life I created.
I realized that the wound is not yet healed.
I’m not ready to meet the people who’ve been a part of that lost and unfinished journey. I’m not ready to go back to the old me wherein there’s a different and profound purpose
I’m not ready to forgive myself.
Each time I’m thinking of going back, flashes of memories come crashing through. Making me remember the betrayal and cowardness I’ve shown that hinder me to be a butterfly.
I can never forgive myself for hurting the people who believed in me and most of all, to the One who gave me strength and courage only for me to throw everything away.
I’ve thought of it so many times. I don’t want to come back just because life is getting tough. I don’t want to ask for His help because I’m too embarrassed to give myself back in His arms.
I can’t. I can’t forgive myself.
But why is it I’m still pre-occupied with the promise He told me a few years ago?
Why is it I’m still clinging on to that dream when that dream was given to me by Him?
I seriously can’t think of any path to take with this life. I feel like my purpose is to become “that”. But then, I don’t have a relationship anymore. Why do I still want it badly?
How will I have faith if I abandoned my relationship a few years ago?
How will I ask and hope if I ran away a long time ago?
I don’t want to come back just so He can fulfill the promises He made during that time.
And I can’t come back because my heart is too wounded. I don’t want Him to see me anymore.
I’m a coward. And I cant handle the suffering.
I can’t. I don’t even know how to forgive myself.