Wallow Wednesdays III

Nothing’s new in my life.

That’s why I opt not to write an entry last Wednesday. It’s been the same, old routine.

Same people. Same circumstances.

I don’t even know what to write for this week’s entry. I know no one’s forcing me to do this but I felt like I just need to let out these emotions and thoughts in my mind no matter how nonsensical it is.

Where do I start? Hmmm.. I stay true to my word; I stopped watching a lot of K-dramas. However, I’m currently watching Father is Strange right now. It’s my first time to watch a family weekend drama with 52 episodes. The drama is ongoing right now and it’s in episode 42 as of now. I’m in episode 22 and the show keeps getting better. I love that the whole siblings are having their own spotlight with their respective lives. Hye Young is my most favorite character! She just embodies the modern woman. Independent and classy. She doesn’t need any man to get what she wants. She knows how to fight for herself and for the people she loves. She’s successful and rational as well. Aahhhh.. I hope to be like her, to be honest.

I’m also enjoying Mi Young’s and Joong Hee’s blossoming friendship. I think the romance won’t be in full circle soon but I’ll just enjoy this subtle ride with the two characters until it lasts.

Overall, this is the kind of light drama that I need. It’s kind of impossible that the characters are connected with each other but I love how they addressed each problems that can possibly happen in real life. And for that, my heart is full and I’m all in with the shenanigans of this strange family.

Looks like I won’t be able to watch this theater play I’ve been eyeing for a month now. Ticket is just expensive and as always, I’m broke. Aside from that, I don’t have someone to watch with me. It sucks, but I need to prioritize what’s important.

I don’t really want to write about this “thing” so I won’t go into specifics. ‘Coz I think if I write everything about it, I’m admitting to myself that there is really something to worry about. I’m trying my best not to jump into that cliff and save myself so that I won’t get hurt. I just hate the fact that this person can see right through me and know what’s in my mind or how I live my life even though I’m not telling much. This person is not the right person to break my walls. I know I’ve been waiting for someone to unravel the different layers of my personality but that person can’t definitely be that someone. It’s just so complicated. I don’t want my heart to be swayed easily ‘coz this won’t definitely go anywhere. I know that my feelings won’t be reciprocated. So I just have to stop this. This is just a phase. This will be over soon.

I rarely talked about love life ‘coz I don’t have any. Ha ha! To be honest, I want to feel romance. I want to feel how it is to be loved and adored by someone. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach. However, I don’t think I can love someone. Just thinking about someone who’ll barge in my life makes me worrisome already. I’m just confusing. I want to feel the thrill of someone slowly knowing everything about me but at the same time I don’t want him to change the ways that I’ve been used to all my life. I’m just complicated. Sometimes it frustrates me too.

With that being said, I feel like I don’t have the right to be happy. I’m scared to feel happiness. Maybe it’s because I’ve never felt happiness in such a long time that whenever I’m slowly feeling it, my system can’t accept it. I don’t deserve to be joyful. I’m scared that if I’ll experience that genuine and deep happiness, a circumstance will just take it away from me. Come to think of it, I’ve never felt inner peace in such a long period of time. I’m always scared and worried. It’s hard for me to think and pursue what I want for the future ‘coz someone will take it away from me. I’m scared to discover new heights alone because I know it will be taken from me or because I don’t deserve it.

I don’t deserve to feel genuine happiness. I don’t deserve to have a decent and successful life. I don’t deserved to be loved. I don’t deserve to live my life to the fullest. Every positivity will always lead me to think of negativity. There is always a “but” in every hope.

Sadness is swallowing my system again.

This will be forever part of my life.

 

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Gureumi’s Playlist 02

It’s a K-indie kind of music for me this past week! I just enjoyed the melody of the songs and the melancholic vibe it gives me whenever I listened to those songs.

You can search the songs in Spotify or Youtube.

  1. You, Who – Eric Nam
  2. Moai – Urban Zakapa (originally sang by Seo Taiji)
  3. I Don’t Want – Jung Key (ft. So Jung of Ladies’ Code)
  4. Like a Dream – Ben
  5. Summer Night You and I – Standing Egg
  6. That Kind of Night – Urban Zakapa
  7. Friday – IU (ft. Jang Yi-jeong)
  8. That XX – Sam Kim
  9. Your Song  Sam Kim
  10. Coincidence – Urban Zakapa

Hope you’ll enjoy this second playlist! 🙂

Wallow Wednesdays II

I rarely cry.

I cry whenever I watch a relatable scene in a drama that I’m watching or if I am sso much immersed in a novel that I’m reading. But crying because of life issues? That is really rare to happen.

If life keeps on frustrating me, I just want to cry it all but unfortunately no tears were coming out. It’s hard for me to cry. I don’t cry easily.

Last night was one of those few moments wherein I just burst it all out and cry nonstop.

This week wasn’t a good week. Funny how I’ve shown positivity on my last week’s post but ended up getting disappointed and frustrated at myself, even at life.

First, I didn’t attend the cabin crew recruitment. Major reason was I’m just so lazy about going in the venue. I’m living in the countryside and I’m on a vacation from work but I’m just so tired to work on CV and outfits for the recruitment. In other words, I don’t have motivation. To be honest, I’m not sure if I still want this job badly. I feel like the only reason I wanted this is because I’m fit for this job, or I don’t have anything that I’m good at and my physical appearance fits the role of a cabin crew (as anyone will always tell me). So I taught, that maybe, this is the job that I can do. The problem is that I don’t have the motivation to go out there, let these recruiters scrutinize me from head to toe and decide if they’ll accept me or not. I want the easiest way to get the job. I don’t want to suffer anymore and accept rejections all the time. I’ve been trying for four times already and even in the first round, which is the physical test, I can’t even pass.

Yeah, yeah. The reason is because I don’t have confidence and I do not believe in myself. Maybe I have to badly want this first so that I’ll do anything just to get it. The funny thing was that, in my height of badly wanting to be a cabin crew, whenever I go to a recruitment, when I’m already standing in front of everyone, the confidence that I’ve mustered and collected just vanished in an instant.

I’m having second thoughts about this career. I’m just feeling demotivated especially with what’s haunting in my life right now. I am being haunted by the past. I just want to normally live this life and be like everyone else. Why do I have to be reminded by that stupid prophecy all the time? What’s even worse is that I’m letting it affect my whole system and just feeling like a scaredy cat!

Going back, now I’m planning to go to that airline company and have a walk-in interview because I’ve neglected going in their cabin crew recruitment twice. I even go on a vacation leave just for the recruitment but I’m always not going. But then, all are just plans; there’s no action and execution. I’ll plan to go and be hopeful but if that day comes every positive attitude is gone in an instant to the point that I won’t just go anymore.

Second, maybe this is just a hormonal issue and I might have my period on the following days. This is just a hunch but my emotions are becoming so magnify when I’m nearing that time of the month. So if I’m feeling agitated or frustrated or extremely sad, that’s my signal that I’ll be having my period already. I think this could be one of the reasons of this sudden change of mood ‘coz I am extremely hopeful and dreamy last week and now, it’s all gone.

Third, I’m having family issues that I can’t even (or I chose not to) let out in my system. I can’t/don’t even want to talk nor write about this. It’s a very sensitive topic and I just want to think that nothing serious is happening but I’m aware that it’s been going on for years now.

I’m depressed and I just don’t want to live anymore. I don’t want to die; I want to sleep forever. I want to be numb and I don’t want to have emotions. I even wish I have amnesia just so I can remove all these memories and start with a clean slate. I suddenly remember the premise of Circle. If removing memories will help cure people then be it. Now I want my memories to be remove minus the Human B having a copy of my memory! I don’t want to be in this pain and agony all my life.

This is how I am broken right now.

On to the good stuff….

After this I’ll be watching the last four episodes of Lookout. I just hope all will be well with our Lookout squad and just please let that bitch attorney’s son suffer. I loathe him the most out of all the villains. If he doesn’t have an ounce of resentment with what he’s done, he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. It’s the same with Seung Ro.

I’ll just watch the last two episodes of Suspicious Partner as well (I think it’ll end this week) and then I might hibernate in the world of K-dramas. I don’t know. This season I’ve watched a lot of ongoing dramas (four dramas are a lot for me) and I feel like I just need to take a break. I’ve lost my interest with Fight my Way and still not in the mood to watch the last four episodes. I’m gonna focus my time finishing American Gods (w/c I wasn’t even able to hold this whole week!) or watch/rewatch Ji Chang Wook’s dramas after his enlistment. My Wookie side of heart is slowly dying. 😭😭 He’ll be gone for two years! How will I handle that?!

BUT!

If there is a drama that piques my interest, then I might watch it. My competitive side doesn’t want to lose to those Kdrama watchers (esp the new ones) since K-dramas are quite a hit now and everyone watches and I don’t want to be left behind. I think that’s the reason why I watch almost all ongoing dramas right now. However, I’m not tailored for that kind of drama watching. From now on, I’ll go back to what I always do in watching Kdramas. I’ll watch what I think is good and enjoyable and stick to it; no need to force myself to watch a drama just because it’s popular and everyone’s raving about it.

Getting ready for this week

I’m still feeling hallow and tired about everything. I don’t even want to go to work tomorrow. Just thinking about it is making me feel dreadful. So I’m not gonna expect something positive to happen ‘coz the last time I did that nothing good happens. So I won’t be expectant and make every tomorrow surprise me of what’s gonna happen.

Hey, that’s a good mantra right now, isn’t it?

 

Gureumi’s Playlist 01

So what makes me appreciate music?

If that song connects to my heart, my mood and to what I’m feeling, if that song can give me all sorts of emotions even if it’s just a melody, then I most probably found the music that feeds my soul.

I can easily be pleased when it comes to music. I can love the song just by the tune of it and I can even love it more if the message of the lyrics speak to me.

So here’s the ten songs that’s included in my first playlist of this blog:

  1. Come Back Home – BTS
  2. Thursday Night – Urban Zakapa ft. Beenzino
  3. Cool Down – James Reid
  4. On Top – James Reid ft. Sam Concepcion, King WAW
  5. Burnout – Sugarfree
  6. Ikaw Pala – Sugarfree
  7. With Me – Vanilla Acoustic
  8. ILYSB – Lany
  9. Palette – IU
  10. dlwlrma – IU

 

These songs are on the loop and I’m not getting tired of listening to it. You can try searching the songs in Youtube or Spotify. Half of it are of Kpop genre but believe me, those are really good songs. It’s even better because of the lyrics.

There’s no specific date on when will I post my playlist. If I grew fond with a bunch of songs, then I might be able to share it here.

 

Loving K-dramas: First K-drama

Disclaimer: I found a new outlet to release my seemingly infinite love with Korean Dramas. I guess this phenomenon will always remain in my heart until the end. I got all the ideas in a 30-day challenge I found in tumblr. However,  I won’t be able to update everyday so I’ll just do it whenever I got time.

So, here it is!

~

I’ve discovered K-drama at a young age since local channels aired a lot of dubbed korean dramas back then and most of it became a hit (eg. Full House, Lovers in Paris, Endless Love, Stairway to Heaven, etc.). I remembered binge-watching Lovers in Paris together with my older sister who’ve bought an original DVD copy. At that time, I just want to be with my sister who was just home once a week. But upon watching the episodes, I grew fond of the story line and got interested with the plot and its trajectory. I was quite satisfied watching it though I was never really captured to the point of addiction. I guess Lovers in Paris might be considered as the first ever Korean drama (not dubbed) that I’ve watched.

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But if you’re gonna talk about my first-ever Korean drama that catapulted to my love for it, I’m gonna say Boys Over Flowers started it all.

(I was quite contemplating if it was My Girl or Boys Over Flowers but I’ll just have to stick with Boys Over Flowers)

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I consider Hana Yori Dango, the original manga which is written by Yoko Kamio, as a huge success. It had three different adaptations and an anime as well. It was one of the original story line who tweaked a Cinderella story and make it a modern-tale classic of a damsel-in-distress and a prince falling in love with each other. What and how was the twist made? The prince is handsome and rich but an ultimate jerk who doesn’t care if he hurt other people as long as he can unleash the sorrow and anger he’s feeling inside. The damsel-in-distress was really not a damsel-in-distress for she knows how to fight back and has the sense of justice to defend herself and others especially if they are being trampled on just because of their social status in life. The hero is feeling empty, but thank God for he have real friends who are there for him and can understand his arrogance and childish demeanor. And did I mention? The other three friends are all handsome and rich as well with their own issues in life. Thus, a phenomenon group was born. Who doesn’t know F4, right?

The Japanese adaptation was my personal favorite out of all adaptations. But Boys Over Flowers was the reason I slowly jumped from Jdoramas to K-dramas without even realizing it. I did had a high expectations with Boys Over Flowers since the first two adaptations were highly successful. I enjoyed the characters’ journey of this version but I guess I will have a lifelong issue with the actress who portrayed Geum Jan Di.

All F4 members are oozing with sex appeal and Lee Min Ho was my first ever Korean husband. Tee hee. He was the first actor I fell in love with, and got obsessed with, so I am thankful that this version cast Lee Min Ho as the korean Domyouji.

Boys Over Flowers was like a hole that I jumped in and landed me to more Korean dramas that I never really thought I’m gonna enjoy. It was even more fascinating to dig through all the dramas because of friends who are as addicted as me and even recommended me the good ones.

A hobby that started eight years ago is still fully alive and kicking. And even though K-dramas have changed over time, with noble idiocy and truck of doom and amnesia as a popular conflict to keep the drama going, I will always be enchanted on how overused plots can always create an addiction to all the drama viewers. Another thing is that drama gods never lacked with what’s to offer as new plots are being presented to a growing Kdrama fandom. Hello there, time-travel, aliens, sci-fi, action, mystery, hero that can hear people’s thoughts and even the future!

Cheers to more of what K-drama has to offer! Cheers to more Oppas that dramas will offer! So for those who are as in love as me when it comes to dramas, cheers for more noble idiocy and other cliches that might ensue as we get farther and deeper to what K-dramas has instilled to its addicted viewers!