Wallow Wednesdays III

Nothing’s new in my life.

That’s why I opt not to write an entry last Wednesday. It’s been the same, old routine.

Same people. Same circumstances.

I don’t even know what to write for this week’s entry. I know no one’s forcing me to do this but I felt like I just need to let out these emotions and thoughts in my mind no matter how nonsensical it is.

Where do I start? Hmmm.. I stay true to my word; I stopped watching a lot of K-dramas. However, I’m currently watching Father is Strange right now. It’s my first time to watch a family weekend drama with 52 episodes. The drama is ongoing right now and it’s in episode 42 as of now. I’m in episode 22 and the show keeps getting better. I love that the whole siblings are having their own spotlight with their respective lives. Hye Young is my most favorite character! She just embodies the modern woman. Independent and classy. She doesn’t need any man to get what she wants. She knows how to fight for herself and for the people she loves. She’s successful and rational as well. Aahhhh.. I hope to be like her, to be honest.

I’m also enjoying Mi Young’s and Joong Hee’s blossoming friendship. I think the romance won’t be in full circle soon but I’ll just enjoy this subtle ride with the two characters until it lasts.

Overall, this is the kind of light drama that I need. It’s kind of impossible that the characters are connected with each other but I love how they addressed each problems that can possibly happen in real life. And for that, my heart is full and I’m all in with the shenanigans of this strange family.

Looks like I won’t be able to watch this theater play I’ve been eyeing for a month now. Ticket is just expensive and as always, I’m broke. Aside from that, I don’t have someone to watch with me. It sucks, but I need to prioritize what’s important.

I don’t really want to write about this “thing” so I won’t go into specifics. ‘Coz I think if I write everything about it, I’m admitting to myself that there is really something to worry about. I’m trying my best not to jump into that cliff and save myself so that I won’t get hurt. I just hate the fact that this person can see right through me and know what’s in my mind or how I live my life even though I’m not telling much. This person is not the right person to break my walls. I know I’ve been waiting for someone to unravel the different layers of my personality but that person can’t definitely be that someone. It’s just so complicated. I don’t want my heart to be swayed easily ‘coz this won’t definitely go anywhere. I know that my feelings won’t be reciprocated. So I just have to stop this. This is just a phase. This will be over soon.

I rarely talked about love life ‘coz I don’t have any. Ha ha! To be honest, I want to feel romance. I want to feel how it is to be loved and adored by someone. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach. However, I don’t think I can love someone. Just thinking about someone who’ll barge in my life makes me worrisome already. I’m just confusing. I want to feel the thrill of someone slowly knowing everything about me but at the same time I don’t want him to change the ways that I’ve been used to all my life. I’m just complicated. Sometimes it frustrates me too.

With that being said, I feel like I don’t have the right to be happy. I’m scared to feel happiness. Maybe it’s because I’ve never felt happiness in such a long time that whenever I’m slowly feeling it, my system can’t accept it. I don’t deserve to be joyful. I’m scared that if I’ll experience that genuine and deep happiness, a circumstance will just take it away from me. Come to think of it, I’ve never felt inner peace in such a long period of time. I’m always scared and worried. It’s hard for me to think and pursue what I want for the future ‘coz someone will take it away from me. I’m scared to discover new heights alone because I know it will be taken from me or because I don’t deserve it.

I don’t deserve to feel genuine happiness. I don’t deserve to have a decent and successful life. I don’t deserved to be loved. I don’t deserve to live my life to the fullest. Every positivity will always lead me to think of negativity. There is always a “but” in every hope.

Sadness is swallowing my system again.

This will be forever part of my life.

 

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