Wallow Wednesdays V

Here I am again, with a tinge of hope sparkling as new days lies ahead. I’ve been wanting to  experience life to the fullest because for the last years I kept on controlling myself to achieve new heights, to discover that there are things that is worth celebrating and achieving even thought the world is full of mess. I hope this sense of urgency to live and love life won’t die any soon, because whenever I have this great feeling I always end up being down and weary on the following weeks.

Come fast, November, because I am willing to try another cabin crew recruitment at this local airline. I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.

I realized that I don’t need anyone to be my friend. I don’t need the approval of everyone. Slowly I am on my way of not giving a fuck of what everyone thinks of me. I am a certified people-pleaser and I don’t want to form arguments and fights with anyone or everyone. I am almost there. Just few more steps and hurdles; a little bit of practice then and there. Surely, I’m gonna master it.

I feel like I’m into taking the ladder of making my career successful. Right now, I’m not into focusing myself on finding a lover unlike other people in my age. If there will be, then fine but if there’s none, then it’s better as well. I don’t wanna rely my happiness to anyone. I want to be a whole person and I’m not yet ready to give half of it to someone else.

Books

I seriously want to read a book right now. I’m eyeing to read The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman but I can’t buy a copy because I’m broke. It seems like I just want to read Neil Gaiman’s novels  for now. I have a huge respect to this writer. Though I have to admit, American Gods wasn’t the right Neil Gaiman book for me. Nevertheless, I still felt its heart and soul. I felt emotions. And that’s what I like whenever I read a book or even watch series. More than the actions and the gripping scenes, more than its cinematography (which is a big plus point, still), I am more attracted to the story and how it builds up towards the end. I love seeing different characters and discovering their similarities with mine. I love finding out that we have the same dilemma and I love how they conquer everything that conflict throws away.

For some reason, more than the travelling stuff, I want to be more incline with arts now like watching a film and a theater play. I’ve been looking for someone for so many years to just engage in a very meaningful conversation and just talked about our thoughts when it comes to those film and plays we’ve watched. I’m gonna be lucky if that person watch K-dramas as well. Haha! I want to have someone like girlfriday of Dramabeans and just talked about it over some drinks. More than the satisfaction and entertaining factor, I want to talk about the story, characters and even plot holes. I want to talk about what was really good and what went wrong, its upside and downside. I just badly want someone whom I can talk with when it comes to this stuff ‘coz I’m really a fan of these type of art and entertainment.

New Perspective

Let me discover the good things in life one step at a time. Let me discover its rotten and ugly side too. Let me feel. Let me be happy and angry and sad. Let me hope. Let it spark alive. Let me live.

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Wallow Wednesdays IV

Hello October!

It had been a long time since the last post and a lot of realizations and never ending worries consumed me for the last two months I haven’t write. I opt not to update this blog because I’m not in the zone to write all the happenings of my life as of the moment.

A very close friend at work resigned because she’ll be pursuing her plans to live abroad with her boyfriend. I’m really happy for her because she’s really following and living up the course of her life. It’s just really sad because I’ve been so attached to her and a year and a half feels so short for us to get to know each other better. I can’t imagine not seeing her at work. She’s one of the few close friends I have and now she’s not there anymore. I’m seriously gonna miss her!

Since it’s her last day, we decided to have fun a little bit and so we went to this high-end bar near at work. It was so fun since it’s my first time going there. For some reason, I think a divine intervention happened last last night, which totally sucks. I got an allergic reaction that caused swollen eyes. I look like a shit and if not had been with the make up and dim lights, I look like someone who just got her eyes done. On the other note, it was my first time after five years that I got drunk again. I don’t know if that’s a good thing ‘coz I feel embarrassed the next day, to those people who saw me on that mess. It was good feeling drunk but the after-effects made me cringe just the thought of what I’ve done.

I decided to be more carefree as the year is approaching to its end. This 2017 is a shitty year for me. It did not bring me luck and fortune and it made me realize how my life is such a mess. Should I expect the same or the worse next year? Still, I’m expecting something good will happen this year. It will compensate all the bad things this year had given me. So please, please, can you just let it happen?? It’s written in the book, in  my fate. I know it will happen. It’s inevitable. So just please, give it to me. So that I could go back to my purpose.

Career-wise, I’m having a lot of thoughts to resign. I’ve been feeling this since the first quarter of the year. I feel like I’ve learned what I learned in that company and now I have to venture to a different company where I can really learn a lot with the field I want to grow. I just really need to get that dream job happen so I can leave the company for good. I’m not gaining anything anymore and I feel I’m under-appreciated. No one’s motivating me. Colleagues and leader don’t trust me. I don’t feel like pushing myself to the limits. I don’t want to do it anymore. But you know, I gotta make a living. So I should endure all these things.

I felt like people are really interested in me right now. It was just so petty ‘coz they’re like bystanders trying to watch my every move now. I don’t want to elaborate anymore but I’m very uncomfortable knowing that there are people who talks about me and my life. I feel like I’m being judged and being laughed at about this certain happening in my life.

Korean Dramas

Still on a drama slump but got to watch dramas one at a time. School 2017 was really fun to watch since it’s been a long time since I’ve watched a high school drama. Kim Sejeong is so adorable that I binge-watched Produce 101 where she was first discovered. I’m currently watching Age of Youth and Temperature of Love. I’m not sure what to expect with the latter but Seo Hyun Jin and Yang Se Jung’s chemistry is a delight to watch. Finally, I can binge-watch Rescue Me (have to schedule that) since it’s finish already. I can’t live-watch it because it’s too stressful for me and I don’t want to wait a week for the next two episodes to come out. That is TORTURE. I will also start watching While you were Sleeping. LEE JUNG SUK! I soooo miss you in dramaland! Eyeing Revolutionary of Love with Siwon as his comeback drama after army and Kang Sora, and This Life is our First with Lee Min Ki and Jung So Min. Wow, talking about drama slump. Hahaha!

Life 

It’s hard to live and the last two months were both haunting and life-defying as well. I want to live my life to the fullest. Enjoy life at its finest and slowly break some barriers and walls. I don’t know what lies ahead but I just wish that life will turn itself 360 degrees and surprise me that there’s more to life than what I’ve grown and accustomed to. So please, you better be good at me and show me that to live is a greatest gift to have. Because I’m seriously not appreciating life right now.