I’ve always been very personal when it comes to posting an entry in this blog. Even if I am talking about a certain drama or a book, there’s always a hint of what I’m going through or feeling at that certain moment because those kinds of entertainment struck and hit me right in my soul.
I am a self-proclaimed melancholic person; and this blog is helping me get through the painful episodes of my life. I always write about what I feel when mundane life is making me weary and gloomy. I also write a little bit of what’s happening everyday, just to let out some emotions that I can’t simply share to other people. Writing is my sanctuary, even if I’m just a mediocre in it.
It’s been going three months since I am spiraling downward into an abyss of despair and honestly, I feel like I cannot come out of this place any longer. I feel like I am trapped in this place and there’s no getting out. There’s no more chance of breaking the cage. I’m in the pit of a nightmare and nothing can ever take me out.
The light at the end of the tunnel that I’ve always believed in is taking me longer and longer to reach. This insurmountable suffering is just like a storm in the middle of the sea – wrathful and seething.
Few weeks ahead I’ll be reaching the grueling 25th year of my life in this mundane world. Wow, quarter life crisis is so real especially if you’re the one going through it. It’s a place of uncertainty, of dark thoughts, of never-ending misery.
So before I reach the quarter life, I would like to write about my weekly dose of insanity and monitor if this feeling will get better or worse once I reach THAT date. This is an extremely personal post because I just want to let my emotions overpower this entry and let the mind do the tapping, no holds barred.
And so, if you ever get to read this and know me personally, please do not shower me with pity or any judgment because just like you, I am also a human capable of feeling despondent musings. If we ever get to bump or see each other, act like you know nothing and let’s just laugh all day like this world is full of rainbows and butterflies. Or you can just simply offer me a beer and let the alcohol open the Pandora’s box inside of me and throw it all to you. Who would want an excess baggage with them anyway? So let’s just crush that thought, shall we?
If we don’t know each other personally, but stumbled into this crazy mess of a blog – often mix with tons of grammar errors and love for Asian dramas plus personal episodes of a gibberish life, please do not pity me as well. Or I hope in one way or another you can relate to this melancholic feeling and realize what a harsh world we live in.
I hate to admit this but I think and act like a loser; a crap who don’t know how to be responsible in every decision and action that led her to be miserable. But what can I do? All present situations feels like a slap in my face. There are no good opportunities; just pure failure one after another. How can I even let my wings spread wide if life keeps showing that you don’t have one?
How to be strong in a glut of struggles? How to think positively if everything is load of bull? How to end a suffering that’s been consuming your mind? How to remove thorns that keeps on piercing your heart?
How does one can be joyful in the midst of agony?
How does one can be vigorous in the midst of attack?
How does a life end and be reborn?
This is my Week One — full of raging and maddening thoughts about life, of how unfair it can be, and of forlorn attempt to escape.
Let’s see up to when this torment will last.