WoaM: De-Ci-Sion

I am as confused as ever.

Well, when did I not get confused? I am confused all the time. You can cut my chest, see my heart and find spirit of organism named Confusion – a group of cells that is slowly eating the organs of your heart until it becomes lifeless; then this Confusion will aim at your brain and start devouring it until you become a zombie. This organism, Confusion, will torture you but will not kill you yet. It will make sure that you are confused for the rest of your life. Oh, did I not mention? This Confusion leads to myriad of emotions – depression, anxiety, panic. It will consume your being that will cause you not to live your life to the fullest.

Worst case scenario: You won’t be able to move literally; it’s like you are in state of paralysis. Everything in your life will be pointless. One seeming move and your mind parades fear and doubt.

How to cure? MAKE A DECISION. It’s either you step out of fear and do what scares you or be in the state of confusion and doubt all the time until you just decided to kill yourself and die.

Wow. So easy to say, but so hard to do.

Mine, I could say, is a special case. I know why I am so confuse and I know how to cure it. But the problem is, a lot of thoughts are at the back of my mind. A souls of microorganisms are eating my decision to just embrace it all – including the bad and the good. Why do I say it’s special? Because mind is bind with divinity. I know we have different perception of who God is, and we are taught in different cultures and religions. In my case, whatever lens I looked at it, it’s always associated with God. My life is always connected with Him. I’ve experienced it – floating in a surging storm in the middle of the ocean, but is relaxed and calm because the presence of God inside of me is overflowing that it transcends peace and tranquility. But to be honest, there are things in your life you have to give up to continue this divine road. You have to give up your own desires and succumb to His. And so I realized that I just want a Savior, not a Master. Because being with God is living your life for His glory and detaching yourself from the riches of the world and focusing your mind in heavenly things.

I knew a lot of Christ-followers who had their life turned around in full circle, but still enjoying their lives to the fullest. While I knew some, who had overcome depression and is now living their lives to the fullest even without God.

I know I’m being a selfish bitch and you could assume now that If I die at this very moment, my soul will rotten in hell. I have a lukewarm faith and I am not qualified to be His daughter. My soul cannot be equipped to serve Him – that’s what I thought. I grew up in a Catholic household; I am the only Born Again-Christian. I already knew a lot of answers on what my purpose could be but is still having a tough time embracing it. I’m in a turmoil. I don’t want this life to be fully devoted to God but at the same time, I feel like this is my only way to be out of this destruction. Sometimes I just want to let go of what ifs and just stepped out of this faith and see where it leads me. I’ve always read about it, but when it’s happening to you it’s just really hard to decide whether to do it or not.

I ran away before; after three years, managed to get back on track, and now I want to run away again. I don’t want to sign up for this anymore. Why is my journey so hard? Why do I feel like everything that He has for me is the opposite of what I want?

They say only He knows what’s best for us; but why can’t I feel it? Why do I need to be test in fire every freaking time? Why do I have to be involved in this kind of divinity? Why can’t I be like other people who can managed to live their life even without Him?

What did I even got myself into?

Whether you are a Christ-follower or not, you are not an exemption in depression. You will always feel anxious. As long as we are in this world, we will be in endless trials.

Everything that I want I cannot get because it’s not meant for me. I feel so alone and useless. Whenever I will decide to let go of the inhibitions, it will all come back and melt the grand decision that I was about to do.

I’m fucking scared – of change and of responsibility.

I am not deserving and qualified to do what He calls me to do. Can I just live like the rest? Can I be out of the equation?

At this point in my life, I am at the lowest of lows. I am losing the energy to fight this battles. I am so tired of being tired; tired of being weary all the time.

I know the answers in my own misery but is terrified of doing so.

Decision.

De

ci

sion.

Help me.

Get me out of this jail.

Get. me. out.

Ending my week with a conclusion that I need to make a decision. But I feel like I am left with no choice. It’s either I trust Him and jump the cliff or forever stay at the edge not knowing what lies beneath.

//////

PS.  My entry is getting more personal every time I post. I hope no one knows me personally. /crosses fingers/

 

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