It was a tough week but I still managed to pull it through. I finally went on to a cabin crew recruitment and much to my dismay, I didn’t get in. Of course, it hurts and it stings. The pain lingered on for a moment. But there’s nothing I can do but to rise up again. Surprisingly, I’m on a better state now. I’m still alive and kicking.
I don’t want to elaborate further on what happened during that day. All I know is that the dream ignited something inside my soul. It made me realized that this is what I really wanted to do. I may not fully understand what comes with the job and why I badly want it, but all I know is that I am born to do this. I am born to be a flight attendant. It’s what I really want in life.
With that being said, I realized I have a lot of growing up to do especially on how I deal with life. I think part of the reason I didn’t get in was because of how I carry myself. These people see right through me. They’ve seen my flaws and it reflects too much on the outside. It sucks but I really need to improve myself.
I’m still having an identity-crisis. Aside from the girl who loves watching K-dramas, who am I? What are my beliefs? What do I stand for? It seems like I’m just going with the current. I’m going with the flow.
I just stopped. ‘Coz I seemingly can’t think of other words to continue this journal. It dawned on me that I am so imperfect and I don’t like how I handle my life. Is there any guide on how to be tough, independent and sassy just like the other ladies I know from afar? How many trials should I experience for me to become the woman I wanted to be?
It’s really hard to have a face-to-face battle with Life. It’s hard to challenge it.
I have a lot of emotional baggages right now and so I’m not fully updating this corner of my internet. I also realized that nothing is happening in my life. There’s no twist and turns. There’s not much excitement. My life is boring.
If I will write all the thoughts that’s in my mind, I will only be reminded of so many things that I want to forget even for the meantime. I want to bury pending responsibilities or how impulsive I am in almost everything.
But please, self, here’s one thing that you have to remember: You are not perfect and you have your own fair share of flaws. And it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. Don’t let hurtful words hinder you to learn more about life and yourself. Don’t let other people dictate what you have to do in life. The only person who knows what’s best for you is yourself. How you handle life is your responsibility; they’re just bystanders. Don’t let them crush you. Don’t let them belittle you. You are your own version of beauty and classy. And one day, you’ll look back with all these dilemmas, with all the people who think less of you and you’ll be glad you’ve experienced all of this. Because this will make you who you are.
You’ll get over this, soon. You’ll find your place in the world. So, forget about the past. Forget about the people who doesn’t appreciate you. Forget about everything that’s blocking your way.
Create a better version of you. Be bold enough. Read more books. Go out some more. Meet new people.
Change your perspective and your perspective will change you.
You are more worthy than a diamond. Shine bright and let your light beams all throughout that surrounds you.
Here I am again, with a tinge of hope sparkling as new days lies ahead. I’ve been wanting to experience life to the fullest because for the last years I kept on controlling myself to achieve new heights, to discover that there are things that is worth celebrating and achieving even thought the world is full of mess. I hope this sense of urgency to live and love life won’t die any soon, because whenever I have this great feeling I always end up being down and weary on the following weeks.
Come fast, November, because I am willing to try another cabin crew recruitment at this local airline. I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.
I realized that I don’t need anyone to be my friend. I don’t need the approval of everyone. Slowly I am on my way of not giving a fuck of what everyone thinks of me. I am a certified people-pleaser and I don’t want to form arguments and fights with anyone or everyone. I am almost there. Just few more steps and hurdles; a little bit of practice then and there. Surely, I’m gonna master it.
I feel like I’m into taking the ladder of making my career successful. Right now, I’m not into focusing myself on finding a lover unlike other people in my age. If there will be, then fine but if there’s none, then it’s better as well. I don’t wanna rely my happiness to anyone. I want to be a whole person and I’m not yet ready to give half of it to someone else.
I seriously want to read a book right now. I’m eyeing to read The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman but I can’t buy a copy because I’m broke. It seems like I just want to read Neil Gaiman’s novels for now. I have a huge respect to this writer. Though I have to admit, American Gods wasn’t the right Neil Gaiman book for me. Nevertheless, I still felt its heart and soul. I felt emotions. And that’s what I like whenever I read a book or even watch series. More than the actions and the gripping scenes, more than its cinematography (which is a big plus point, still), I am more attracted to the story and how it builds up towards the end. I love seeing different characters and discovering their similarities with mine. I love finding out that we have the same dilemma and I love how they conquer everything that conflict throws away.
For some reason, more than the travelling stuff, I want to be more incline with arts now like watching a film and a theater play. I’ve been looking for someone for so many years to just engage in a very meaningful conversation and just talked about our thoughts when it comes to those film and plays we’ve watched. I’m gonna be lucky if that person watch K-dramas as well. Haha! I want to have someone like girlfriday of Dramabeans and just talked about it over some drinks. More than the satisfaction and entertaining factor, I want to talk about the story, characters and even plot holes. I want to talk about what was really good and what went wrong, its upside and downside. I just badly want someone whom I can talk with when it comes to this stuff ‘coz I’m really a fan of these type of art and entertainment.
Let me discover the good things in life one step at a time. Let me discover its rotten and ugly side too. Let me feel. Let me be happy and angry and sad. Let me hope. Let it spark alive. Let me live.
It had been a long time since the last post and a lot of realizations and never ending worries consumed me for the last two months I haven’t write. I opt not to update this blog because I’m not in the zone to write all the happenings of my life as of the moment.
A very close friend at work resigned because she’ll be pursuing her plans to live abroad with her boyfriend. I’m really happy for her because she’s really following and living up the course of her life. It’s just really sad because I’ve been so attached to her and a year and a half feels so short for us to get to know each other better. I can’t imagine not seeing her at work. She’s one of the few close friends I have and now she’s not there anymore. I’m seriously gonna miss her!
Since it’s her last day, we decided to have fun a little bit and so we went to this high-end bar near at work. It was so fun since it’s my first time going there. For some reason, I think a divine intervention happened last last night, which totally sucks. I got an allergic reaction that caused swollen eyes. I look like a shit and if not had been with the make up and dim lights, I look like someone who just got her eyes done. On the other note, it was my first time after five years that I got drunk again. I don’t know if that’s a good thing ‘coz I feel embarrassed the next day, to those people who saw me on that mess. It was good feeling drunk but the after-effects made me cringe just the thought of what I’ve done.
I decided to be more carefree as the year is approaching to its end. This 2017 is a shitty year for me. It did not bring me luck and fortune and it made me realize how my life is such a mess. Should I expect the same or the worse next year? Still, I’m expecting something good will happen this year. It will compensate all the bad things this year had given me. So please, please, can you just let it happen?? It’s written in the book, in my fate. I know it will happen. It’s inevitable. So just please, give it to me. So that I could go back to my purpose.
Career-wise, I’m having a lot of thoughts to resign. I’ve been feeling this since the first quarter of the year. I feel like I’ve learned what I learned in that company and now I have to venture to a different company where I can really learn a lot with the field I want to grow. I just really need to get that dream job happen so I can leave the company for good. I’m not gaining anything anymore and I feel I’m under-appreciated. No one’s motivating me. Colleagues and leader don’t trust me. I don’t feel like pushing myself to the limits. I don’t want to do it anymore. But you know, I gotta make a living. So I should endure all these things.
I felt like people are really interested in me right now. It was just so petty ‘coz they’re like bystanders trying to watch my every move now. I don’t want to elaborate anymore but I’m very uncomfortable knowing that there are people who talks about me and my life. I feel like I’m being judged and being laughed at about this certain happening in my life.
Still on a drama slump but got to watch dramas one at a time. School 2017 was really fun to watch since it’s been a long time since I’ve watched a high school drama. Kim Sejeong is so adorable that I binge-watched Produce 101 where she was first discovered. I’m currently watching Age of Youth and Temperature of Love. I’m not sure what to expect with the latter but Seo Hyun Jin and Yang Se Jung’s chemistry is a delight to watch. Finally, I can binge-watch Rescue Me (have to schedule that) since it’s finish already. I can’t live-watch it because it’s too stressful for me and I don’t want to wait a week for the next two episodes to come out. That is TORTURE. I will also start watching While you were Sleeping. LEE JUNG SUK! I soooo miss you in dramaland! Eyeing Revolutionary of Love with Siwon as his comeback drama after army and Kang Sora, and This Life is our First with Lee Min Ki and Jung So Min. Wow, talking about drama slump. Hahaha!
It’s hard to live and the last two months were both haunting and life-defying as well. I want to live my life to the fullest. Enjoy life at its finest and slowly break some barriers and walls. I don’t know what lies ahead but I just wish that life will turn itself 360 degrees and surprise me that there’s more to life than what I’ve grown and accustomed to. So please, you better be good at me and show me that to live is a greatest gift to have. Because I’m seriously not appreciating life right now.
Nothing’s new in my life.
That’s why I opt not to write an entry last Wednesday. It’s been the same, old routine.
Same people. Same circumstances.
I don’t even know what to write for this week’s entry. I know no one’s forcing me to do this but I felt like I just need to let out these emotions and thoughts in my mind no matter how nonsensical it is.
Where do I start? Hmmm.. I stay true to my word; I stopped watching a lot of K-dramas. However, I’m currently watching Father is Strange right now. It’s my first time to watch a family weekend drama with 52 episodes. The drama is ongoing right now and it’s in episode 42 as of now. I’m in episode 22 and the show keeps getting better. I love that the whole siblings are having their own spotlight with their respective lives. Hye Young is my most favorite character! She just embodies the modern woman. Independent and classy. She doesn’t need any man to get what she wants. She knows how to fight for herself and for the people she loves. She’s successful and rational as well. Aahhhh.. I hope to be like her, to be honest.
I’m also enjoying Mi Young’s and Joong Hee’s blossoming friendship. I think the romance won’t be in full circle soon but I’ll just enjoy this subtle ride with the two characters until it lasts.
Overall, this is the kind of light drama that I need. It’s kind of impossible that the characters are connected with each other but I love how they addressed each problems that can possibly happen in real life. And for that, my heart is full and I’m all in with the shenanigans of this strange family.
Looks like I won’t be able to watch this theater play I’ve been eyeing for a month now. Ticket is just expensive and as always, I’m broke. Aside from that, I don’t have someone to watch with me. It sucks, but I need to prioritize what’s important.
I don’t really want to write about this “thing” so I won’t go into specifics. ‘Coz I think if I write everything about it, I’m admitting to myself that there is really something to worry about. I’m trying my best not to jump into that cliff and save myself so that I won’t get hurt. I just hate the fact that this person can see right through me and know what’s in my mind or how I live my life even though I’m not telling much. This person is not the right person to break my walls. I know I’ve been waiting for someone to unravel the different layers of my personality but that person can’t definitely be that someone. It’s just so complicated. I don’t want my heart to be swayed easily ‘coz this won’t definitely go anywhere. I know that my feelings won’t be reciprocated. So I just have to stop this. This is just a phase. This will be over soon.
I rarely talked about love life ‘coz I don’t have any. Ha ha! To be honest, I want to feel romance. I want to feel how it is to be loved and adored by someone. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach. However, I don’t think I can love someone. Just thinking about someone who’ll barge in my life makes me worrisome already. I’m just confusing. I want to feel the thrill of someone slowly knowing everything about me but at the same time I don’t want him to change the ways that I’ve been used to all my life. I’m just complicated. Sometimes it frustrates me too.
With that being said, I feel like I don’t have the right to be happy. I’m scared to feel happiness. Maybe it’s because I’ve never felt happiness in such a long time that whenever I’m slowly feeling it, my system can’t accept it. I don’t deserve to be joyful. I’m scared that if I’ll experience that genuine and deep happiness, a circumstance will just take it away from me. Come to think of it, I’ve never felt inner peace in such a long period of time. I’m always scared and worried. It’s hard for me to think and pursue what I want for the future ‘coz someone will take it away from me. I’m scared to discover new heights alone because I know it will be taken from me or because I don’t deserve it.
I don’t deserve to feel genuine happiness. I don’t deserve to have a decent and successful life. I don’t deserved to be loved. I don’t deserve to live my life to the fullest. Every positivity will always lead me to think of negativity. There is always a “but” in every hope.
Sadness is swallowing my system again.
This will be forever part of my life.