Wallow Wednesdays XII

What am I up to in this two months of Isolation?

Nothing totally productive or worth earning money. First, I momentarily forgot everything about him in those one month and became so busy watching series, documentaries, podcasts and anything else. I am actually wondering right now how fast yet so slow this past months had been. And in those months, I succumbed myself to temporary pleasures but isn’t really striking my soul to the point I have to take action and just do something worthwhile. Good thing I’ve chanced upon shows that makes me re-evaluate life itself and forget the reality for the meantime.

Hunter X Hunter

I remembered I was looking for a good show and then stumbled upon Hunter x Hunter. It was probably the best show I’ve watched this season and I just bawled my eyes crying in some of the episodes. I was so enthralled with the friendship of the characters — especially Gon and Killua. I always have a soft spot to stories of adventure together with someone, whether romantic interest, friends or families, and just growing together and discovering what to do in life. That last scene in the last episode of the last season (lol.. the construction of this sentence is just so redundant) is just so heartfelt for me that I can’t help but cry. Farewell for me is just something so bittersweet especially if you have to part ways with people whom you’ve shared memories and has been an audience of each other towards character development, every triumph and lost, every bad choices and good ones. It’s inevitable for Gon and Killua to part ways because at the end of the day, they are both individuals who have their own purpose in life and there are just some seasons in life where you have to go through it without your best friend or family.

 

Each season presented different arcs and stories of growth, redemption, revenge, to name a few. However, all I can say is I enjoy every part of it, both filler and main episodes. I enjoyed the Heavens Arena Arc and I just want to give a shoutout to Hisoka because he is actually my favorite villain (or not!) in this anime. Chimera Ants Arc is kind of a slowburn to me at first but during the mid and its final episodes it sort of gave me this deconstructed idea of who’s good and evil. I’ve read a lot of interpretations regarding this arc and how it shouts humanism all over it and I’m just glad to say how profound those interpretations. A lot of characters died in this arc (which is so dear to me) that is why this is the most emotional arc for me and I’ve cried tons of it. There’s this one character who died (I won’t tell who to prevent spoilers) that truly resonate with me; and like all these characters who are close to him/her, I grieve together with them. It was just a painful watch for me and the menacing result that was born out of that grief is somehow doleful for me.

Hisoka MOROW | Anime-Planet

Review: Hunter x Hunter - Chimera Ant Arc | Anime Amino

Overall, this show has managed to capture my heart and I’m sad that there’s a blurry chance we get to see how it ends for the characters. However, the anime wrapped it up beautifully and I truly enjoyed the roller-coaster adventures of all characters.

Hospital Playlist

Next to my watch list was Hospital Playlist which wrapped up its first season last week. This is the kind of show that I didn’t fully realize just grew in my heart and when I finally realize how good it is, I just start to care for every aspect of the storytelling. I started this show with no expectations and what caught me to watch it was some of my favorite actors are in it. I am not a fan of Reply Series (I just can’t understand why I can’t bring myself to love the show even though every time I watch some episodes, it gives a nostalgic and healing factor to me) but with good credentials of the writer-PD tandem, I give this show a try. At first, the rumblings and chaos in the hospital looks realistic for me and the first episode got me confused on what’s going to be the plot of this series. It actually gave me a bored feel to it because one episode is just too long for me. However, I think it was on episode 6 or 7 where I realized how this show just wants to give a story of friendship, love and life of normal people trying to make ends meet through a hospital setting. I think it was a smart choice to use the hospital setting because:

(1) we meet different stories of people in the hospitals — their struggles and their relationships. In each patient that the show introduced to us, we get a glimpse of what their life is outside the hospital. The patients’ POV give us a story of hope, grief and love in just a short period of time. How amazing is that, right? For us viewers to sympathize and empathize to character’s that are not even the leads of the show is a smart way to tell a story which creates impact to its audience.

(2) every time we watch a medical Korean drama, the story focuses on either hospital politics or hospital jargons which is use to create conflict or hospital romance. What separates Hospital Playlist among them is that there’s no hospital politics at all. (If you remember in episode 1, I think the writer wants us to believe there’s going to be a politics conflict brewing up after the chairman died. Rosa — which is the dead chairman’s wife and Jong Su are good friends and it also seems like a betrayal’s about to ensue. It turns out that there’s no conflict at all between them and whoever’s going to be the chairman isn’t really the main interest of the show. Well played, show. Well, played). In summary, this is just a series that shows the life of normal beings without grandiose battle of who’s who. Just a normal story of normal people working on a hospital.

5 Reasons To Start Watching The New Wholesome K-Drama “Hospital ...

This show is just a healing drama to those who will watch it because all characters are endearing to watch. Every main character was given emphasis and no one is left behind. Jo Jung Seok is always amusing to watch (props to his comedic timing; who won’t forget the now-and-soon-to-be legendary Pick Me dance) and he has given life to his character Ik-Jun who is the Mr. Congeniality of the hospital. But it also shows that however hilarious and friendly he is, someone who always give advice to people, he is not exempted to the trials of life. At some point, there will always be hardship too and funny guy can also be serious and earnest (insert: being a father to U-Ju and that confession of love) I would also like to mention the bromance between Jun Wan and Jae Hak. Oh, these two! Helping each other out sincerely and quietly without too much drama. I adore watching their antics and banters and watching them learn from each other.

There are just so many little arcs to mention in this show and I would like to highlight all of them but this post will just get longer and longer. 😀

Last thing I want to mention is the budding love lines in this show. Personally, I root for Seok-Hyeong and Min-Ha together and they are my most favorite couple in the show. An introvert and extrovert? Oh, I would love how it would pan out and I’m sure there’s going to be lots of comical scenes if it will happen. I read some opinions about the love lines on this show discussing how the writer actually confuses its audience about who’s going to end up together with who; showing some signs of ships to sail only for it to crash in the end. eg. Reply 1988. And that there are some subtle signs of who’s the real love team of this show. Of course, everyone is into Song Hwa’s love line with Chi Hong and Ik Joon. For me, what Chi Hong has was a one-sided love and as much as I pity that likeness and sincerity to Song-Hwa, I just don’t think he is the right man for Song-Hwa. I’m not going to talk much with Ik-Joon x Song-Hwa budding romance but going back to the discussions I read (which is actually an unpopular opinion but I firmly believe with a good basis to back-up) Song-Hwa just doesn’t like Ik-Joon. We can formulate theories of the romance through different shots of the scenes eg. that night where Song-Hwa stayed in Ik-Joon’s apartment. There was this shot of the both of them outside the window with the pouring rain and as the scene ends they became blurry because of too much rain. With regards to Jeong-Won and Gyeo-Wool, well their scene in the last episode just gives us a room to be more excited of what story they will provide in season 2. I just think it’s too early to finalized all love interests in this show because a lot can happened in Season 2.

Hospital Playlist' gains traction in terms of buzz, TV ratings

Can I just also mention the OST’s?! This is one of the best this show has offered me as well. This group of people who’ve withstand the test of time, forming a band and just singing their hearts out is definitely a highlight of the show for me. I think this is the first time in so many years where I love all of the OST’s in the drama. OSTs speak of their past, their present and their future and I just love it.

Overall, I enjoyed this show so much and it’s just weird that the last episode doesn’t feel like the last episode because their stories left a lot for a second season. Now, the agony is to wait for the S2 for a year!? Let’s see what’s going to happen about it.

So this entry ended up with me making some flash reviews about the series that speaks volume to my heart. Well, it’s just so worthwhile to meet a good show that resonates deeply in my heart. I am not usually a fan of theories, though I welcome it, nor I have an eye for every detail. As I mentioned before, what grips my heart for a show to truly impress me is the storytelling of opening yourself to a wider perspective filled with emotions and reflection of your own self right after watching or reading it. For me, the downside of coming across this shows is it always leave a hallow feeling in my chest making me feel empty. Well, I want to believe that there’s an upside to this one too. Even though it leaves a space in my heart, it gives me a room to reassess myself and put more knowledge and feeling into it for me to learn more and get to know myself even better. I believe that this shows helped me go back to my inner core and just fully enjoy my own adventure even though I am stubborn and inconsistent in some of my ways.

And to everyone who will get to read this post, I hope you get to appreciate any form of storytelling (films, series, novels, poems) and whatever kind of storytelling you meet along the way, I hope it creates an impact to you and how you view this world.

Out of all the art I knew, it always boils down to the core which is the stories of life — hope and becoming, of tragedy and recovery, of yin and yang.

 

Words of A Mundane: Deadline

I’ve been itching to write my thoughts for quite some days now and reading all those past posts made me wonder how am I able to write all those words? I feel like I am just really good expressing myself in writing rather than in speaking for every time I read my thoughts through this blog, I get to know myself and understand my inner core. I guess at some point, even I can’t just really fully comprehend myself.

So what do I want to write specifically? To be honest, I’m not sure as well. I’m lost and in a daze and I just don’t what to do.  It’s been two months since I came back home from the ship and up to now I didn’t really have any specific plans on what I should do next. I’m lost in my own trance and motivation is not within my reach. I have plans but I don’t know how to start. I have ideas but I can’t just force myself to do it all. Funny thing is, amidst all this crazy mess, I am actually in peace on where I am right now. It feels so new to me. Yes, there are things that are really troublesome and worrying and most of the time it crossed my mind. However, I’m in my dilly-dally stage which, after pondering, I think is both dangerous and safe. Safe because worrying really harms mental health but at the same time, dangerous because I’m not doing anything to change my circumstances.

I guess all this reason is because I am not fully connected to my inner core. And here I am again, back at wandering, doubting and running away. Ever since I started working on the ship, I slowly lost control of who I should be. I feel like throughout the months in that place I became superficial and conceited. Yes, I’ve gained a new-found confidence but I believe it was born out of wrong roots; a root that can get easily withered because it has to be sprinkled with false and shallow admiration from other people. It’s hard to make a step without me knowing it is driven by my inner core — the core that I trusted the most but keeps on neglecting every time I see something elegant on the outside but rotten on the inside.

I remembered this passage that I’ve come across a year ago. It’s about someone who was entrusted with everything and because of that he was put in the highest position to serve others. But because of being on that position, he became proud of himself, even got envious of others. He was reminded and warned of his dubious action but remained the same. As a result, everything he had was taken away from him because he did not acknowledge the source of his riches and power and he did not take care properly of what was given to him. I feel like it mirrors what is happening to me right now. I was a nobody but became somebody. I think I didn’t just notice it but I became proud of what I have at some point and forgot the real reason why I was given that blessing in the first place. It is probably the reason why the Giver had even use a pandemic to revoke what I have in order for me to come to my senses. But then, it was tougher than I thought it would be. A year, as fast as it may seem to be, changed me a lot. And I know nothing is impossible but coming back to who I was back then is just harder to do. I am standing on a rock in the middle of a vast ocean and just being there is comfortable for me not to jump of to see what’s beneath it.

Why am I going through this again? I guess I just never learn. I always have to be disciplined in the hardest way for me to go back to my inner core. Another thing I’m thinking about this past few days was how I neglected this people who’s been with me when I have nothing. I feel like I’ve abandoned them somewhere in between and crawling back to them when I am back at the beginning is just too shameless of me.

The question to myself is: what should I do now? How will I bounce back? Is this post even making sense? With all these disorder and chaos happening around us, is it even possible to go back? I feel like going back to the core is harder and harder with this isolation happening to everyone. I feel like it’s left with me making the decision to myself. Sometimes I feel like going back but distractions kept coming through. I am actually confuse right now. Is being at peace to myself a good or a bad thing?

Day 69 of isolation

Here I am back to the beginning.. being punished and discipline for being adamant and conceited.

Here I am lost and out of control.. wanting to be productive but ending up becoming hot or cold in making decisions.

Here I am numb and dumb.. going back to someone who I loathed and despised.

Here I am.. seeing all this chaos and knew that deadline is getting nearer but still have the audacity to choose myself over the savior.

WOAM: Rumblings in Times of Isolation

Isolate /verb/ – cause (a person or a place) to be remain alone or apart from others

During this times, we often here the word isolation. The global pandemic Covid 19 causes the people to halt their everyday activities and just remain at home. On when this is going to end, no one knows. As a result, a lot of people resorted to different activities in order for them to make this time more productive and entertaining. And because people have more time to indulge in social media, there has been an increase of usage to popular social media apps such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and even Tiktok. This could also be a perfect time for them to finish those series on Netflix. Others are using this time to bond more with their families especially those parents who’ve always been at work and rarely at home. For singles, they are using this time for self-growth – learning a new language, baking, cooking and the likes. For some, they still have to work from home and meet the demands of their boss and company. I would also like to take this opportunity to salute our front liners who are bravely doing their duty to serve people; while other people are in the comfort of their own homes, these front liners willingly go to their respective workplace and be of service to those who are in need.

Isolation

For introverts like me, isolation have always felt heaven. This is what helps us energize from all the socializing we did on that day or week. This has been a birth of the memes that I’ve read and how this isolation has always been the life of introverts and it’s not new to us. However, in spite of the jokes, even for some introverts, this could also serve as a challenge to face. At first, I had a rough time dealing with this isolation period. Fresh from my job in the cruise, I had to take time to release all the emotions that I’ve got on my last contract. I try to indulge myself with Netflix movies and series but I just lost interest as time goes by. I downloaded a lot of epub books but none of them have filled up the thirst that I’m feeling as of the moment. Until I went back to my interest on my Myer-Briggs personality. I’ve always been fascinated about MBTI and introversion topics for it helped me understand myself better. So I spend most of my time reading bunch of articles about INFP, introversion, strengthfinder. I started listening to podcast and some Tedtalks and to be honest, I think this interest of mind won’t die any soon. Because of my engrossment about this topic, I had some moments of epiphany and discovery about where I am right now in my life, what had happened in the past year, what have changed in me and how does some moments of isolation in the past helped me once I go out there and faced the world again.

Let’s start with the series of isolation in my life. From time to time, ever since young, I am always going through hermit mode. All of a sudden, I will just discard myself to my peers and stay at home doing either nonsensical or vice versa. But I will always remember the two important isolation in my life. One of which, was in 2015, right after I graduated from college. At first I told myself that I’m going to rest for a short while then will start to look for a job. But at some point, the pressure from inner circle is starting to take a toll on me. I have something in mind that I think I ought to do but people close to me are opposed to it. And so, those months of seclusion had turned me into being bitter and sour. I found a job after 6 months and told myself that this is going to be the start of a new chapter in my life.

I stayed on that job for three years and I will always have good memories about it. My favorite part will always be the friendship formed with a lot of people. However, I also discovered all the nasty attitudes I have – no self-confidence, insecure, undeveloped skills, low social skills. I realized that I haven’t shown who I really am in the number of times I have interacted with a lot of people. I chose to stay on a surface-level personal. Though full of potential, I don’t want to stand out or make other people notice what I am capable of.

After some spiritual intervention, I decided to close that chapter of my life. I resigned. I found another opportunity but I wasn’t able to get it easily. There were a lot of hurdles that I had to encounter. And that’s how I will proceed to the second important isolation. That was last year from January-May. I felt like it was the continuation I had on year 2015. Last year, I was depressed and on the verge of losing hope. But that isolation helped me improve and learned a new level of wisdom and certainty.

Being isolated have always helped me reassess myself on who I’ve become after all these years. It is my self-meditation. It’s my season to reflect about my life. This isolation during pandemic is making me think if I was able to apply all the knowledge during this past year. The answer that I’ve gotten: a resounding NO.

Last year I was on a totally different work culture where everything was about fun. Because the nature of the job is hard, people are doing things for self-satisfaction. And those things weren’t really my thing. I decided upon myself not to get too attached to anyone or anything and just do the job and leave after I ended the contract. The human interaction was different from what I experienced on my previous job. On this one, people come and go. You might or might not see them again. And so I dreaded it. Also, I cannot connect to most of the people on a deeper level. I crave for social intimacy – one that is not just bound with superficial talks of gossiping, sex or relationship with whoever. It was suffocating to me. But in time, I learned to just break free from my walls and start letting people in slowly.

So what is the point of my rumblings? This is what I’ve learned so far on my self-assessment:

  1. We need wilderness in order to proceed in the promised land. Jesus went through on a 40 days and night fasting before he went out to perform miracles and proclaim the word of truth. The same with us, we needed to be alone, to meditate, what do we really aspire to be. Which leads me to the second one,
  2. Discover our core project. This is what I’ve learned in one of the Tedtalk I listened to. Whether we are an introvert or extrovert doesn’t really matter. We do not based our capability on the label we put into ourselves. It doesn’t mean that if we’re introvert we can not strive on an extroverted world. What is our core project? What is it that we’re really meant to do in our lives? Biblically speaking, what is our calling? Our mission? our purpose?
  3. My core project is to share my faith to other people. My faith was on an unpopular opinion side. It is good to hear about Jesus – his promises, what He can do in our lives. But proclaiming the gospel is more than about the prosperity here on Earth. Proclaiming the gospel includes scrutiny, judgment and anger from other people. Proclaiming the gospel means I have to die to my own desires, to take up the cross and follow Jesus.
  4. This fourth self-reflection is kind of not related to the first three. I am having thoughts about marriage. I am never interested about getting married. I am so used to being alone that I really don’t mind being alone forever. But this time it is making me really think of someone who could be a possible life partner. I won’t get into details too much as I don’t know when this feeling will last. I might just be feeling alone and these days I’m really craving for a deep and intimate conversation about my present thoughts.
  5. I would like to find a job in which i could use my talents. I like to host, sing and perform but I am not really confident about it. I lack experience and I feel like I have mediocre skills.
  6. In connection to no. 5, I would like to be more confident and bold about what I’m capable of. And I think I’m getting there. Two years ago I don’t have confidence at all but after working on a cruise line, somehow it made me believe that I am really good at my skills and would like to improve it.

I have so much to say but I think I’m going to stop here for now. I think that in spite of the pandemic, I am able to conquer the worries that comes with it and just be mentally strong. To be honest, if I let the worries get the best of me I would just be this depressing lady that I was a year ago. But I think this time it’s different. This time I want to get out of this isolation stronger and more mature as ever. I believe that my ongoing reflection isn’t the end yet. This is just the beginning. And I would gladly take what I can learn once more in order for me to walk through the path that I’m destined to be.

 

PS. unedited post

Wallow Wednesdays XI

I am constantly feeling this lump in my chest. The moment I wake up, whenever I’m trying my best to divert my attention to something else – the lump is always there. I wonder what’s inside this lump for it never goes away. Is it about the love? the crisis? the calling? Or is it about ALL of them?

I wonder why I still write. This is not even an obligation. I don’t even know if people will come across this site and curiously read all the entries in here. As of now, I don’t even know what to write. Well, it’s always been this way. I would try to type words and then will erase it.. then I’m gonna try to write another sentence.. then I’ll realize it’s not the correct grammar. Is the preposition right or wrong? Then I’m gonna erase it again. And since nothing was being formed, I’m just gonna leave it on draft and never come back.

But I still choose to write.. because it’s therapeutic; because it’s making the lump on my chest smaller. Writing makes me breathe. Writing makes me at ease. And so.. I will continue to write. Maybe I’m gonna pause for a while, but I will always come back.

I will always come back.

On to the entry

Everything’s the same ever since I went home. Nothing much changed, actually. I still think of him, I still think of what could happen, I still fear. One of the things that interest me are my old photos from university and former job. Funny how I try to visit my own profile and look at it because of the back of my mind HE might be stalking on my accounts too. Ha! INFP’s delusion is something else! But as I look at my photos, it ended up bringing back all those good memories and it makes me realize how far I’ve been in this life. I’ve met a lot of people, most of them I haven’t talked too the moment we parted ways. I remembered the laughter, the tears, the journey and the relationship. It wasn’t the place or the situation that made me nostalgic, it’s the people who were part of it. Every one I’ve come across with was so important on how I shaped my mind, on what my morals and principles are now and on why I became this way.

Is this the sign of aging? I was never sentimental. The last time I know I’m the type of person who leave the past with no regret. I’m the type of person who doesn’t care if I’ve lost contact with friends. It just goes to show that the last ten years of my life was so special, even if the people who were in it was not in my present now.

I’ve realized that we don’t leave the past just like that. We leave the past and bring the good and the bad that comes with it then we move forward. We continue life and what it taught us — the ones that hurt and the ones that brought us pleasure. It is part of who we are. It is part of what had become of us.

Infatuation

In order for me to not be confuse of the terms infatuation and love. Let’s define both.

According to google,

in·fat·u·a·tion /inˌfaCHəˈwāSH(ə)n/   noun
Why do I feel like I’m feeling both about you????

 

I still think of you. I still do. The intensity toned down a little bit but there is no doubt I still think of you. The disappointment wasn’t as hurtful as before but I still think of you. I still think about the memory of us, and it irks me a lot because I’m the kind of person who can easily leave the past behind with no reservations at all. Right now I am still a prisoner of that memory of us. I try to forget. I try to think of reasons why it’s never gonna work out or why things ended up this way between the both of us. I try to think of your bad traits and sometimes all of those thoughts are working. A part of the lump will magically disappear.. for a minute or two. Memory is a traitor. A part of our interactions will just pop up in my mind then suddenly all hope will gone up. I will start to think of scenarios of what might have been and will not happen in reality. When a Taylor Swift song starts to play, I will automatically start to think of all those memories. (Note: I don’t listen to Tay’s songs as of now. D*mn you! :D)

I come up with another plan – that is to accept. To accept that memories that became so special will be hard to erase just by having a mindset that I will start to forget you. To accept that what happened between the two of us will never escalate to something more; and that I should let time erase all those feelings I had for you until I wake up one day and all of it will be gone, there will be no lingering emotions anymore.

For now, what I do every time I think of you? I get a pen and a paper, let all of those emotions out and come back to what I was doing.

No more trying hard but no more wasting time thinking of what could have been or what if’s. It ended because it had to be.

INFP

Another thing that I am fascinated now is my Myer-Briggs personality. Before I’ve always wondered why I act or behave that way on crowd or uncomfortable scenarios. I hated myself for being too quiet or sometimes, a pushover to other people. I wondered why I chose to see the good in any situation despite of it being helpless. And I still have a whole lot of wonders of why I act and think this way. Finding out my Myer-Briggs personality and reading about it helped me understand myself better. I couldn’t put into words what my personality is but upon reading what an INFP is, I just couldn’t helped but agree to eveyrthing it described. I am definitely an INFP; and the more I read about it when it comes to relationships and dealing with life, the more I accept myself – flaws and all. I spend most of my time reading articles of how INFP act on different situations and once again, my mind will just shout “THAT IS TOTALLY ME”.

Let me tell you a bit of my personality (something that I personally noticed about myself):

I am very shy and reserved especially if I am in a big group. I don’t like being the center of attention and I don’t like talking in big group (best example: meetings at work (so uncomfortable for me!). The funny thing is that ever since I started my job, I was always working with a team and I am much, much more comfortable working alone. With that, I had to interact with them and talk to them. I am friendly but they only see my surface-level personality. I can come across as jolly and positive but deep inside I am always anxious and worried with the smallest things. As much as possible, I like to have good relationship with everyone because I don’t like conflict and confrontations. When it comes to making friends, I am a very good listener. It’s better for me to get to know the person first and if I see we have a lot of similar traits or if I get comfortable with you, I’ll start to open up about myself as well (which happens to a very few people). Sometimes I feel like my personality depends on who I’m with. I adapt myself on whoever I’m with.

It’s hard for me to trust someone easily. It takes years before I get comfortable with a person. I have a lot of friends throughout the years but I feel like only few of them knows the real me. Even my closest friends sometimes sees me as a mystery for I don’t open up or be that vulnerable easily. (So that explains my frustrations on the infatuation I felt and why it’s hard for me to forget.)

I can state more but this will be too long. In summary, INFP craves deep and meaningful conversations, we are good listeners and we don’t judge you for the choices you made. If we are talking about ourselves, our opinions, our problems, our principles to you, that means we trust you a lot.

Netflix and Books

In my quest to divert my attention to something else, I’m trying to watch some Netflix shows but whenever I start a series, I will eventually get tired of it. I watched Friends but not in the mood for the 2nd Season, Money Heist is the right show for me but also not in the mood to finish the first season. The list goes on and on with Altered Carbon, Breaking Bad, Your Lie in April (trying to avoid romance series, you know why :D) but I just can’t finish watching them. I am now watching Hospital Playlist (on to the 2nd episode) and I think I’m gonna stay and see how it goes. I tried watching movies but eventually got sick of choosing what to watch as well. I think my mind is not equipped for binge-watching just like the good old days. I don’t know what happened and why the sudden lost of interest.

I start to divert as well and read books. I like reading books but I realized that most of what I read, I actually forget. However, the feeling and healing that I’ve got upon reading it stays in me. For example, I will never forget how “The Graveyard Book” made me feel. I was going through a tough phase of my life, I was in a transition and that book just resonates in me. The journey of Bod made me realize that I am also in a journey and after being in that place for a long time – the place that shaped who you are, it’s time to move on and go with the next one – unto an unfamiliar place, without the people who was with you on your previous journey. It was time to face a new one, all on your own, with the hope that it’s gonna be better, and you’ll meet new people who will be there to help you.

Going back, I just can’t finish reading Quiet by Susan Cain. My mind wants to finish it, but I just can’t get the book and start reading it. I’m currently reading Becoming by Michelle Obama. I am off to a good start, actually but I don’t have the driving force to read it continuously.

I realized that as I grew older, my choice of books start to be different. Gone are the days when I chose Young Adult or Wattpad romance. I chose to read a book that refreshes my soul. Recently, books that made impact to me are Dear, Evan Hansen, The Subtle Art of not giving a F*ck and All Your Perfects.

I hope I get back all my focus and will just finish a book just like the good old times!

Wallowing

I think I know to myself that I’m running away again but I just don’t want to admit it. I would like to experience life. I always do. But sometimes I feel like fate has a different plan for me. Deep inside I knew I want to make a change. I want to create an impact to every person that I will encounter. I want to leave a mark. And maybe, if I write this, it will happen soon.

I will end this post with an excerpt of what I wrote a few years back. Before it was just a dream, and that dream grew inside of me. Now it is actually happening. I am at the first phase of what I wrote before. And I know dreams are placed inside our heart because it has something to do with the purpose we are manufactured to be while we are here in our temporary home.

 I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.

xoxo

PS. not edited, lots of grammatical errors

Wallow Wednesdays X

After a year

How do I even start? How do I even narrate a year of happenings in my life? I’ve been trying to control the whirlwind of emotions that is bound to happen inside my heart. I’ve been trying to tell my inner self that everything is alright, even though news and circumstances show otherwise. I’m in an inner battle. Funny how you triumph each war zone in your life only to realized there is a harder one that’s gonna come. I can now almost believe that Life might be a game, with a never ending levels, with lots of enemies to fight. The question is does it bother making through each level? Is there truly a great reward waiting for me at the end of it all?

How do I even begin? All I really want is to write all these emotions inside of me, which I always do. When the going gets rough, I release everything through constant typing of words and just releasing all this vibes outside my system.

Memories

Let me start by telling you a story. Once upon a time, there’s this heartless lady who believed that true love doesn’t exist, or loving someone includes heartaches and sacrifice, of compromising and understanding in which she promised won’t be her downfall. This lady believed that she doesn’t need anyone in her life. She’s used to being alone, and she will make it that way until she gets old. However, this lady has a secret. Deep within her, she wants to feel rainbows and butterflies. She wants someone who will make her feel important. She wants to meet someone who is brave enough to pursue her no matter how many times she rebuild the walls that others try to infiltrate.

Later on, she was in a place where the spirit of lust, longing and romance are everywhere. She knew she was in another battle. She tried her best not to let those spirits devour her principles nor be led by her emotions that will falsely made her feel beautiful and wanted. She stand strong, not letting anyone destroy the walls she constantly build throughout her life. Until someone came along..

It wasn’t even a decade, or a year, or a month. It only took a week for that spirit to crash all those walls she built. And it also took a week for that spirit to crash her heart hoping something more will happen, something more will escalate, that for once in her life, this might be worth the risk.

At first, she just wants to play along. Heck, she loved the feeling of someone making her feel special. But then a sudden news came that stopped her from diving into those foreign feelings. A news that is like warning her that if she proceeds, it’s like trampling on those principles she held all her life. And so she did what she knows best. She stopped. She backed off. SHE TRIED HER BEST TO STOP. But this sensations betrayed her. Little did she know, she was still in a trance.

Until fate did its job… She was taken away from that place. This wonderful nightmare needed to end. But what good does it did to her? She went back to her place still on a trance, still on a high, with the lingering hope that maybe there could be something more. Conscience and Selfishness started to argue but the former is still winning.

She was left alone, bringing her memories along with her, to the reality she was supposed to be in.

Present

Is it even possible to be attached in just a short period of time? I knew myself as a person who takes a while to give trust to someone. It takes time for me to feel comfortable being vulnerable to people. But with this one, I chose to trust and open my heart. I guess my discernment was wrong this time. I know soon time will do its work and one day I will wake up with no more lingering hope for something to happen. I know it’s gonna be sooner than I expected. For now, let me wallow on to these memories because this is all I have left with.

Isolation

With the global pandemic happening right now, I’m trying my best to stay as calm as possible. I don’t want to drown myself with anxiousness and uncertainty. But there are just those unguarded times where it creeps out. If I’m not thinking about the almost love, mind starts drifting to the possibility of the unknown. When is this all gonna end? Can I still go back to my former job? Is this the start of an apocalypse era? Why do I have to be living at this era? Just when I thought I’m starting my life that’s where a national crisis decides to slap your face saying “na-ah! you wish!”.

I am used to isolation. I can even stay in our house for three months without going outside. But this kind of isolation is different. Because in the former I CHOSE NOT TO go outside, with this one, I AM FORCED to stay inside for health purposes. And that’s a lot different.

After a Year

This is me after a year: still lost and uncertain, still in doubt and misery, still weak yet trying to be strong. Maybe I know the way out in this chess game of life I am in right now, I just choose to stay and be imprison by my misery.