Wallow Wednesdays XI

I am constantly feeling this lump in my chest. The moment I wake up, whenever I’m trying my best to divert my attention to something else – the lump is always there. I wonder what’s inside this lump for it never goes away. Is it about the love? the crisis? the calling? Or is it about ALL of them?

I wonder why I still write. This is not even an obligation. I don’t even know if people will come across this site and curiously read all the entries in here. As of now, I don’t even know what to write. Well, it’s always been this way. I would try to type words and then will erase it.. then I’m gonna try to write another sentence.. then I’ll realize it’s not the correct grammar. Is the preposition right or wrong? Then I’m gonna erase it again. And since nothing was being formed, I’m just gonna leave it on draft and never come back.

But I still choose to write.. because it’s therapeutic; because it’s making the lump on my chest smaller. Writing makes me breathe. Writing makes me at ease. And so.. I will continue to write. Maybe I’m gonna pause for a while, but I will always come back.

I will always come back.

On to the entry

Everything’s the same ever since I went home. Nothing much changed, actually. I still think of him, I still think of what could happen, I still fear. One of the things that interest me are my old photos from university and former job. Funny how I try to visit my own profile and look at it because of the back of my mind HE might be stalking on my accounts too. Ha! INFP’s delusion is something else! But as I look at my photos, it ended up bringing back all those good memories and it makes me realize how far I’ve been in this life. I’ve met a lot of people, most of them I haven’t talked too the moment we parted ways. I remembered the laughter, the tears, the journey and the relationship. It wasn’t the place or the situation that made me nostalgic, it’s the people who were part of it. Every one I’ve come across with was so important on how I shaped my mind, on what my morals and principles are now and on why I became this way.

Is this the sign of aging? I was never sentimental. The last time I know I’m the type of person who leave the past with no regret. I’m the type of person who doesn’t care if I’ve lost contact with friends. It just goes to show that the last ten years of my life was so special, even if the people who were in it was not in my present now.

I’ve realized that we don’t leave the past just like that. We leave the past and bring the good and the bad that comes with it then we move forward. We continue life and what it taught us — the ones that hurt and the ones that brought us pleasure. It is part of who we are. It is part of what had become of us.

Infatuation

In order for me to not be confuse of the terms infatuation and love. Let’s define both.

According to google,

in·fat·u·a·tion /inˌfaCHəˈwāSH(ə)n/   noun
Why do I feel like I’m feeling both about you????

 

I still think of you. I still do. The intensity toned down a little bit but there is no doubt I still think of you. The disappointment wasn’t as hurtful as before but I still think of you. I still think about the memory of us, and it irks me a lot because I’m the kind of person who can easily leave the past behind with no reservations at all. Right now I am still a prisoner of that memory of us. I try to forget. I try to think of reasons why it’s never gonna work out or why things ended up this way between the both of us. I try to think of your bad traits and sometimes all of those thoughts are working. A part of the lump will magically disappear.. for a minute or two. Memory is a traitor. A part of our interactions will just pop up in my mind then suddenly all hope will gone up. I will start to think of scenarios of what might have been and will not happen in reality. When a Taylor Swift song starts to play, I will automatically start to think of all those memories. (Note: I don’t listen to Tay’s songs as of now. D*mn you! :D)

I come up with another plan – that is to accept. To accept that memories that became so special will be hard to erase just by having a mindset that I will start to forget you. To accept that what happened between the two of us will never escalate to something more; and that I should let time erase all those feelings I had for you until I wake up one day and all of it will be gone, there will be no lingering emotions anymore.

For now, what I do every time I think of you? I get a pen and a paper, let all of those emotions out and come back to what I was doing.

No more trying hard but no more wasting time thinking of what could have been or what if’s. It ended because it had to be.

INFP

Another thing that I am fascinated now is my Myer-Briggs personality. Before I’ve always wondered why I act or behave that way on crowd or uncomfortable scenarios. I hated myself for being too quiet or sometimes, a pushover to other people. I wondered why I chose to see the good in any situation despite of it being helpless. And I still have a whole lot of wonders of why I act and think this way. Finding out my Myer-Briggs personality and reading about it helped me understand myself better. I couldn’t put into words what my personality is but upon reading what an INFP is, I just couldn’t helped but agree to eveyrthing it described. I am definitely an INFP; and the more I read about it when it comes to relationships and dealing with life, the more I accept myself – flaws and all. I spend most of my time reading articles of how INFP act on different situations and once again, my mind will just shout “THAT IS TOTALLY ME”.

Let me tell you a bit of my personality (something that I personally noticed about myself):

I am very shy and reserved especially if I am in a big group. I don’t like being the center of attention and I don’t like talking in big group (best example: meetings at work (so uncomfortable for me!). The funny thing is that ever since I started my job, I was always working with a team and I am much, much more comfortable working alone. With that, I had to interact with them and talk to them. I am friendly but they only see my surface-level personality. I can come across as jolly and positive but deep inside I am always anxious and worried with the smallest things. As much as possible, I like to have good relationship with everyone because I don’t like conflict and confrontations. When it comes to making friends, I am a very good listener. It’s better for me to get to know the person first and if I see we have a lot of similar traits or if I get comfortable with you, I’ll start to open up about myself as well (which happens to a very few people). Sometimes I feel like my personality depends on who I’m with. I adapt myself on whoever I’m with.

It’s hard for me to trust someone easily. It takes years before I get comfortable with a person. I have a lot of friends throughout the years but I feel like only few of them knows the real me. Even my closest friends sometimes sees me as a mystery for I don’t open up or be that vulnerable easily. (So that explains my frustrations on the infatuation I felt and why it’s hard for me to forget.)

I can state more but this will be too long. In summary, INFP craves deep and meaningful conversations, we are good listeners and we don’t judge you for the choices you made. If we are talking about ourselves, our opinions, our problems, our principles to you, that means we trust you a lot.

Netflix and Books

In my quest to divert my attention to something else, I’m trying to watch some Netflix shows but whenever I start a series, I will eventually get tired of it. I watched Friends but not in the mood for the 2nd Season, Money Heist is the right show for me but also not in the mood to finish the first season. The list goes on and on with Altered Carbon, Breaking Bad, Your Lie in April (trying to avoid romance series, you know why :D) but I just can’t finish watching them. I am now watching Hospital Playlist (on to the 2nd episode) and I think I’m gonna stay and see how it goes. I tried watching movies but eventually got sick of choosing what to watch as well. I think my mind is not equipped for binge-watching just like the good old days. I don’t know what happened and why the sudden lost of interest.

I start to divert as well and read books. I like reading books but I realized that most of what I read, I actually forget. However, the feeling and healing that I’ve got upon reading it stays in me. For example, I will never forget how “The Graveyard Book” made me feel. I was going through a tough phase of my life, I was in a transition and that book just resonates in me. The journey of Bod made me realize that I am also in a journey and after being in that place for a long time – the place that shaped who you are, it’s time to move on and go with the next one – unto an unfamiliar place, without the people who was with you on your previous journey. It was time to face a new one, all on your own, with the hope that it’s gonna be better, and you’ll meet new people who will be there to help you.

Going back, I just can’t finish reading Quiet by Susan Cain. My mind wants to finish it, but I just can’t get the book and start reading it. I’m currently reading Becoming by Michelle Obama. I am off to a good start, actually but I don’t have the driving force to read it continuously.

I realized that as I grew older, my choice of books start to be different. Gone are the days when I chose Young Adult or Wattpad romance. I chose to read a book that refreshes my soul. Recently, books that made impact to me are Dear, Evan Hansen, The Subtle Art of not giving a F*ck and All Your Perfects.

I hope I get back all my focus and will just finish a book just like the good old times!

Wallowing

I think I know to myself that I’m running away again but I just don’t want to admit it. I would like to experience life. I always do. But sometimes I feel like fate has a different plan for me. Deep inside I knew I want to make a change. I want to create an impact to every person that I will encounter. I want to leave a mark. And maybe, if I write this, it will happen soon.

I will end this post with an excerpt of what I wrote a few years back. Before it was just a dream, and that dream grew inside of me. Now it is actually happening. I am at the first phase of what I wrote before. And I know dreams are placed inside our heart because it has something to do with the purpose we are manufactured to be while we are here in our temporary home.

 I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.

xoxo

PS. not edited, lots of grammatical errors

Wallow Wednesdays X

After a year

How do I even start? How do I even narrate a year of happenings in my life? I’ve been trying to control the whirlwind of emotions that is bound to happen inside my heart. I’ve been trying to tell my inner self that everything is alright, even though news and circumstances show otherwise. I’m in an inner battle. Funny how you triumph each war zone in your life only to realized there is a harder one that’s gonna come. I can now almost believe that Life might be a game, with a never ending levels, with lots of enemies to fight. The question is does it bother making through each level? Is there truly a great reward waiting for me at the end of it all?

How do I even begin? All I really want is to write all these emotions inside of me, which I always do. When the going gets rough, I release everything through constant typing of words and just releasing all this vibes outside my system.

Memories

Let me start by telling you a story. Once upon a time, there’s this heartless lady who believed that true love doesn’t exist, or loving someone includes heartaches and sacrifice, of compromising and understanding in which she promised won’t be her downfall. This lady believed that she doesn’t need anyone in her life. She’s used to being alone, and she will make it that way until she gets old. However, this lady has a secret. Deep within her, she wants to feel rainbows and butterflies. She wants someone who will make her feel important. She wants to meet someone who is brave enough to pursue her no matter how many times she rebuild the walls that others try to infiltrate.

Later on, she was in a place where the spirit of lust, longing and romance are everywhere. She knew she was in another battle. She tried her best not to let those spirits devour her principles nor be led by her emotions that will falsely made her feel beautiful and wanted. She stand strong, not letting anyone destroy the walls she constantly build throughout her life. Until someone came along..

It wasn’t even a decade, or a year, or a month. It only took a week for that spirit to crash all those walls she built. And it also took a week for that spirit to crash her heart hoping something more will happen, something more will escalate, that for once in her life, this might be worth the risk.

At first, she just wants to play along. Heck, she loved the feeling of someone making her feel special. But then a sudden news came that stopped her from diving into those foreign feelings. A news that is like warning her that if she proceeds, it’s like trampling on those principles she held all her life. And so she did what she knows best. She stopped. She backed off. SHE TRIED HER BEST TO STOP. But this sensations betrayed her. Little did she know, she was still in a trance.

Until fate did its job… She was taken away from that place. This wonderful nightmare needed to end. But what good does it did to her? She went back to her place still on a trance, still on a high, with the lingering hope that maybe there could be something more. Conscience and Selfishness started to argue but the former is still winning.

She was left alone, bringing her memories along with her, to the reality she was supposed to be in.

Present

Is it even possible to be attached in just a short period of time? I knew myself as a person who takes a while to give trust to someone. It takes time for me to feel comfortable being vulnerable to people. But with this one, I chose to trust and open my heart. I guess my discernment was wrong this time. I know soon time will do its work and one day I will wake up with no more lingering hope for something to happen. I know it’s gonna be sooner than I expected. For now, let me wallow on to these memories because this is all I have left with.

Isolation

With the global pandemic happening right now, I’m trying my best to stay as calm as possible. I don’t want to drown myself with anxiousness and uncertainty. But there are just those unguarded times where it creeps out. If I’m not thinking about the almost love, mind starts drifting to the possibility of the unknown. When is this all gonna end? Can I still go back to my former job? Is this the start of an apocalypse era? Why do I have to be living at this era? Just when I thought I’m starting my life that’s where a national crisis decides to slap your face saying “na-ah! you wish!”.

I am used to isolation. I can even stay in our house for three months without going outside. But this kind of isolation is different. Because in the former I CHOSE NOT TO go outside, with this one, I AM FORCED to stay inside for health purposes. And that’s a lot different.

After a Year

This is me after a year: still lost and uncertain, still in doubt and misery, still weak yet trying to be strong. Maybe I know the way out in this chess game of life I am in right now, I just choose to stay and be imprison by my misery.

Wallow Wednesdays IX

I spent a big time of this whole week binge-watching Kimura Takuya’s dramas. After watching Beautiful Life, I feel so guilty to watch another dramas ‘coz it seems like I’m wasting my precious time devoting myself of just watching dramas and not minding my personal issues in life. But I carelessly started watching Sora Kara Furu Ichioku No Hoshi and now I’m enchanted again. If I won’t stop, I might spend my whole year just watching Takuya’s dramas and movies.

I already knew the major plot twist in Sora Kara because of my interest in its Korean version. I found out that the Kdrama was just an adaptation and mindlessly read reviews (which contains massive spoilers) on both Japanese and Korean version. I won’t spoil the whole story because you really have to experience yourself the roller-coaster of emotions while watching this drama. Just a tip: if you plan on watching the jap version, it’s gonna be a helluva ride because it’s a story that is really heavy, sordid and dark. By the end of the last episode, I was dumbfounded and shocked with how the drama turned out. Because while I knew of the major plot twist (I won’t say.. I won’t say! 😂), I did not knew that the outcome of the twist was so severe and detrimental to the lives of our main characters.

Since Sora Kara left me speechless and strucked, I knew I had to watch a different drama just to cleanse all these rigid emotions that was formed inside and so I decided to watch Hero. Yes. Another Kimura Takuya drama. Again.

The Kimutaku effect is real and I am thoroughly affected. I guess this lovely disease won’t get healed that soon.

/cue in bg music: Can You Keep A Secret?/

Oh boy. This song just grew in me; just like the effect La la love song had in me. That song stayed in my head for few days!

Talking about Hero, which was very popular in its time (aired in 2001 and all episodes reached a rating of 30%), was a fun show to watch. Although I want to ridicule its approach in the legal procedural parts of it, I had to remind myself that it’s an old drama and it might be those one of the first dramas to have tried this kind of genre. I’ve seen better crime/legal procedural dramas that left me flabbergasted each time (usually this dramas are suckers for cliffhangers!) but with Hero it’s a different case each episode and so each conflict was getting solved by the end of the episode. I don’t have a problem with it, though. It’s just that there were flaws I’ve seen as a result of wrapping up the cases in a fast manner. However, the strength of this show comes with the ensemble of prosecutors who were wonderfully portrayed by a stellar cast. Abe Hiroshi has a commanding presence on screen; KimuMatsu combo does not disappoint! I love that there’s a touch of romance between Amamiya and Kuryu! I’m still in love with this ensemble so I don’t think I’ll watch Hero S2 yet.

Just when I thought I’m done watching jdoramas, I found myself watching another drama of Takuya; this time it’s Good Luck!!. The main theme of this drama is the life in the aviation industry. So far, I am loving this drama and its budding romance between the two leads. I know that the main focus of this drama is about the people working in an airline but I just really want more screentime for the romance (it’s just me though). Romance genre + Kimura Takuya + lots of kisses = COUNT ME IN! 😂😂

Life outside Jdoramas

Last time I mentioned I had some job interviews and I know it’s kind of stupid but I DID NOT go to any of the interviews. I just lost my confidence in myself and I feel like I can’t do anything. I know I’m slacking off and being so adamant about my life decisions but to be honest, everything’s starting to feel so halfhearted. Right now, I am numb in any pain or sorrow; I still can’t move emotionally and mentally. I felt like my life stopped and in the point of slowly accepting the fact that I’m defeated. That I’m just gonna stay here in the surface. That I am not bound to reach my dreams. I’m close to reaching the point wherein everything that I want for myself is the opposite of what the universe wants for me. And while I am having this foolish mindset, my life is slowly going in a way that could be describe as a loser.

All the things I need to accomplish just got halted. It seems like I don’t care about my future anymore.

I don’t know how to end this nonsensical entry of mine and I can’t continue writing my thoughts anymore so I’ll just end it with a quote from Hero Jdorama that hits my soft and damage heart:

Everybody sets out with the same set of ideals, but reality deals harshly with idealists. In the end, ideals are always out of reach.

I guess the point of this Wallow Wednesday entry is that, go watch a Kimura Takuya drama but get ready to be captivated and bewitched ‘coz once you started one, you’ll crave for more of him!! 😂😂💖💖

I see Kimura Takuya in pilot’s uniform, I watch! 😍😍

I can’t get enough of him, how to cure this?? 😍😍😂

Okay.. Last one..

This time with Takako Matsu at the back because the KimuMatsu tandem is the one to beat, yo!

WoaM: De-Ci-Sion

I am as confused as ever.

Well, when did I not get confused? I am confused all the time. You can cut my chest, see my heart and find spirit of organism named Confusion – a group of cells that is slowly eating the organs of your heart until it becomes lifeless; then this Confusion will aim at your brain and start devouring it until you become a zombie. This organism, Confusion, will torture you but will not kill you yet. It will make sure that you are confused for the rest of your life. Oh, did I not mention? This Confusion leads to myriad of emotions – depression, anxiety, panic. It will consume your being that will cause you not to live your life to the fullest.

Worst case scenario: You won’t be able to move literally; it’s like you are in state of paralysis. Everything in your life will be pointless. One seeming move and your mind parades fear and doubt.

How to cure? MAKE A DECISION. It’s either you step out of fear and do what scares you or be in the state of confusion and doubt all the time until you just decided to kill yourself and die.

Wow. So easy to say, but so hard to do.

Mine, I could say, is a special case. I know why I am so confuse and I know how to cure it. But the problem is, a lot of thoughts are at the back of my mind. A souls of microorganisms are eating my decision to just embrace it all – including the bad and the good. Why do I say it’s special? Because mind is bind with divinity. I know we have different perception of who God is, and we are taught in different cultures and religions. In my case, whatever lens I looked at it, it’s always associated with God. My life is always connected with Him. I’ve experienced it – floating in a surging storm in the middle of the ocean, but is relaxed and calm because the presence of God inside of me is overflowing that it transcends peace and tranquility. But to be honest, there are things in your life you have to give up to continue this divine road. You have to give up your own desires and succumb to His. And so I realized that I just want a Savior, not a Master. Because being with God is living your life for His glory and detaching yourself from the riches of the world and focusing your mind in heavenly things.

I knew a lot of Christ-followers who had their life turned around in full circle, but still enjoying their lives to the fullest. While I knew some, who had overcome depression and is now living their lives to the fullest even without God.

I know I’m being a selfish bitch and you could assume now that If I die at this very moment, my soul will rotten in hell. I have a lukewarm faith and I am not qualified to be His daughter. My soul cannot be equipped to serve Him – that’s what I thought. I grew up in a Catholic household; I am the only Born Again-Christian. I already knew a lot of answers on what my purpose could be but is still having a tough time embracing it. I’m in a turmoil. I don’t want this life to be fully devoted to God but at the same time, I feel like this is my only way to be out of this destruction. Sometimes I just want to let go of what ifs and just stepped out of this faith and see where it leads me. I’ve always read about it, but when it’s happening to you it’s just really hard to decide whether to do it or not.

I ran away before; after three years, managed to get back on track, and now I want to run away again. I don’t want to sign up for this anymore. Why is my journey so hard? Why do I feel like everything that He has for me is the opposite of what I want?

They say only He knows what’s best for us; but why can’t I feel it? Why do I need to be test in fire every freaking time? Why do I have to be involved in this kind of divinity? Why can’t I be like other people who can managed to live their life even without Him?

What did I even got myself into?

Whether you are a Christ-follower or not, you are not an exemption in depression. You will always feel anxious. As long as we are in this world, we will be in endless trials.

Everything that I want I cannot get because it’s not meant for me. I feel so alone and useless. Whenever I will decide to let go of the inhibitions, it will all come back and melt the grand decision that I was about to do.

I’m fucking scared – of change and of responsibility.

I am not deserving and qualified to do what He calls me to do. Can I just live like the rest? Can I be out of the equation?

At this point in my life, I am at the lowest of lows. I am losing the energy to fight this battles. I am so tired of being tired; tired of being weary all the time.

I know the answers in my own misery but is terrified of doing so.

Decision.

De

ci

sion.

Help me.

Get me out of this jail.

Get. me. out.

Ending my week with a conclusion that I need to make a decision. But I feel like I am left with no choice. It’s either I trust Him and jump the cliff or forever stay at the edge not knowing what lies beneath.

//////

PS.  My entry is getting more personal every time I post. I hope no one knows me personally. /crosses fingers/

 

WoaM: Acceptance, Confusion and Pride

How does one gets past off the acceptance stage?

How does one not think about of what others will say?

I was supposed to write a new entry of this post on the next Sunday, but my mind and heart wants to explode all the words I can’t say just to anyone. And so I am writing a short entry just to blow off some steam in my system.

I am still in the grieving stage – a continuous long vacation of the unknown. Last time, I was left all alone in the house and the amount of grief and anxiety is taking its toll in my mental state. I found myself fuming of anger and agitated of everything that is going on with my present situation. Why do I have to go all through this? Why do I belong in the unlucky circle? And so, I just shouted (a shout that won’t be heard by the neighborhood) and screamed foul words; I was flaming mad of the situation, and of myself.

Afterwards, I felt a momentary peace. I guess the action helped me quite a bit and I felt brief healing. I somehow felt positive that everything’s going to be alright; that there will be good news at the end of the week.

True enough, I received back to back job interviews – one of those is from a tutor school just near our house. I sent an email from them half a month ago and from then on I relentlessly wait for their reply. I was hopeless until I received a text message from them inviting me for interview. You’d thought I’d feel happy about it but to be honest, I am not feeling any excitement. The other interview is from a company just near my former workplace. I am quite skeptical going there because it’s near my previous company and I don’t want to go back to a place that might make my inner wound deeply scarred.

Which actually leads me on what am I truly feeling right now. I feel confused, humiliated and an enormous amount of pride is sinking in my heart. I was about to accept the fact that there are things or dreams that are not meant for me; only if I haven’t found out some people knew the situation I am facing as of the moment. I am shocked, humiliated, ashamed leading me to feel dubious and stupefied. Now I’m back to not accept the fact that I’m bound to stay here; and that I cannot climb up the ladder yet – or worse, forever.

I’ve always been a secretive person – to strangers, acquaintances, best friends, or even to my own family. I don’t share struggles or good news. Sometimes – or most of the times, they will figured out all on their own what’s happening to me. Privacy is a big matter to me. I don’t simply share a piece of my life to someone else. And if I don’t share the good things, why would I even share the bad ones, right? That’s why I am mortified to find out that some people knew about my current situation. Overthinking started. Aside from them, who else knew of it? I did not even tell them yet how did they know? Now, I’m scared to see some of these people who probably knew, thinking to myself that they might ask me about it not because they’re concern but because they’re just curious. Yes, being in the dark makes me think bad about others. I can’t help it. I entrusted a secret, a big part of me, to a few people just to find out one of them carelessly shared it to others without my consent.

I admit that I am mad because I feel embarrassed. People kept on congratulating me before only to find out the misfortune that I’m going through. Now, I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to settle to a mediocre job because my pride is overflowing, and I just want to prove to the naysayers that I am not in the losing force.

I don’t want to attend to any interviews. I feel so confused; heck, I don’t even know what’s the right and best decision for my life. I thought that finally I will be able to pause this constant struggle but it just keeps on going on. I feel so degraded. I feel like a ludicrous fool.

I feel like I’m in this track that keeps on showing me another road. It’s a road that looks so bumpy and ridiculous but there is Someone who is ready to lead me. The problem with me is that, I cannot accept the fact that I have to go through that road; I cannot embrace that kind of life. I don’t want to be with those type of people because I found them really weird and freakish. I find it hard to accept all of it and I’m thinking that I’m better than that. I’m above them and I don’t want to be a part of that clique.

Wow. My rotten character is showing as I continue writing this blog. I am feeling like a trash again. It keeps on getting worse. This pride of mine keeps on getting worse too.

How do I held my head up high and see past through the judgment and pity of these people?

How do I throw away this pride and all the terrible attitude of my heart and to just submit to the holy authority?

Or should I just accept the fact that I’m born to just stay here – in the suburbs, and be stuck here all the days of my life.

Should I just keep on trying again? Or should I just stop believing?

This is my midweek – hardly accepting of my situation, pride that is consuming me, and an endless confusion of what if, what could have been and what should be.

Healing is never easy especially if it’s about to heal only to be wounded again because life keeps on saying you can never be healed, fucker.