Letter of a Sensitive Soul

I’m not really sure if I’m sensitive all along and I’m just finding it out now, or the sensitivity sprewed out because of all the national and personal crisis I’ve gone through ever since this year started.

On the first quarter of the year, I’m still trying to contain the sanity and still forcing myself to believe that everything’s going to be better even though my gut feel states otherwise.

Then, the next quarter of the year exploded and now everyone of us is affected by this disaster. The weakling that I am is still mortified that the life that I’m slowly building fresh from its mess is now back to zero.

I’m a mess all over again.

Around March, I’ve been trying to make connections with people hoping that somehow it’s going to ease the pain that I’m feeling. I’m looking for support system. Though I didn’t really tell it to people directly, but yes, I want attention. I want to be noticed; I don’t want to feel the loneliness that is slowly creeping up in my system. There are some people who really listened. Then some, in whom I didn’t really felt that deep concern. I don’t want to be too selfish, you know. Everyone has their own life and the world doesn’t revolve around me. But there are just times wherein you want to gain support from the people—especially to those you expect to be there—only to get disappointed. I don’t blame them. Everyone has their own battles to face. And adding my battle to theirs is just unfair for them. 

And so I realized I’ve had enough. I’m always the one to ask, to make the first move. Now, I’m over and done. If they won’t communicate then that’s fine at all. I won’t approach anymore. I’m just tired of expecting too much from people.

To be honest, I’m at fault as well. I am the kind of person who burn bridges not because I don’t like them anymore but because when depression and anxiety dominates me, I’m starting to form my own little shell and just stay away from the world. That includes the closest of friends. I don’t tell them; I just do it. In a snap, I’ll be gone in their lives. They will not hear anything from me. I’ve been like this ever since teenager. And that’s probably the reason why I didn’t have childhood friends. 

I’m always sensitive when it comes to the attention. I don’t directly tell the person I need them everytime I’m in my low points of life. But when sorrow consumes me, I always feel neglected everytime I am not being noticed even in the slightest attention I made. Not responding to my chats? Sensitive. Not responding to my posts? Sensitive. Therefore, good riddance.

I guess that is and will be my toxic trait. When I get tired, I just leave. No more explanation. I won’t be initiating a conversation ever again unless you started one. If I get annoyed at you for not being there for me when I need you the most, I won’t hesitate to stop caring for you anymore. I will quietly get out of your life and won’t come back. 

Yes, you can call me a bitch or whatsoever.

But I hope I can also ask even just a little empathy. That I am also a person who needs to be checked from time to time. I am not strong all the time. I don’t even ask you to listen to my problems. I just want you to be there, sincerely. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Destruct and Disrupt

It starting to get tiring again. 

Endless cycles of wanting and searching, 

of trying and hoping, 

of planning and pretending. 

The joy is nowhere out of sight. 

The gladness is empty. 

The heart is sulking.

The last days of Her life 

to prepare for the death. 

It’s the ode to a farewell.

Her is done.

Her is gone.

The moments Her tried to relive, but mind is all blank.

The laughter Her tried to replicate, but lips is sealed.

The panic is Her sanctuary. 

The anxiety is Her hobby.

The excruciating pain becomes

An everyday part of Her.

The numbness and the guilt 

stays within Her.

Her tried to find answers.

Questions are within reach.

Her buried the answer.

Agony is Her friend.

Sensitivity is Her lust.

People? What is that?

Her is done begging for love.

The darkness is Her home.

The light must stay away from Her.

Someone is in hold of Her heart.

Torturing, breaking it into pieces.

Oh, how lovely it was. 

The pain makes Her smile.

Stop. Don’t do anything.

Will you even keep on trying?

Nothing happens even if Her give everything.

The world is not Her home.

The silence is Her home.

Her, close your eyes.

It’s time to let it go.

There’s no point in saving what was already dead.

Her, it’s time to go home.

Her don’t belong here.

Dark, come, embrace Her being.

Her is ready.

So long, farewell, it’s time to go.

The Wonder of Ikigai

The pandemic caused me to lose my job and reevaluate myself especially when it comes to my career. It’s been three months and I’m continually lost and in need to look back on what my inner core wants me to do. I found this fascinating perspective on how to find out that calling and purpose. I found it in Ikigai.

How To Find Your Ikigai And Transform Your Outlook On Life And ...

A brief explanation of this term: Ikigai is a Japanese concept that means “reason for being”. This would help a person determine specifically on what direction should we take in this life and turn it into something worthwhile. This will help a person know what steps should one make and what actions does he need to do for satisfaction and a sense of meaning to life.

If you happen to stumble in this blog, you’ll notice that most of its contents are about me, my self-discovery, rants about life, and Asian Dramas. I am making this post in order for me to align myself in the concept of Ikigai and eventually finding out what I should do in life that will not only give me a sense of purpose but also at the same time, will also help me pay the bills. Sometimes you just get really tired of being so melancholic and negative all the time that you just want to make a move and get yourself out from obstructive and cynical thoughts. Because who else will help you get out of the gloom? You. And me. We only have ourselves to help us get back up again. We can listen to a lot of motivational videos, or advice to friends, but if we’re not going to make a decision to stop being hopeless, then we’re just going to get stuck on the same path and a cycle of misery for the rest of my life.

I’m not saying we are not allowed to feel any sorrow or frustration. Grieve if we must, but don’t stay for a long time. Allow yourself to feel the destruction of your thoughts, to mourn what was lost, to be passive and just binge-watch your favorite Netflix shows or Korean Dramas, then once it’s all done–decide. Decide that leaving a messed-up life is just a repetitive motion with no good results in our life. It’s alright to feel the sadness from time to time, but live. Learn to live that life is chaos and constant asking of what, why and how. Life is a constant pursuit of what to be and how to become. And maybe, once we get to understand that the world is a disarray planet and our life is in sync in this world we live in, we will get to accept that even though some circumstances are a pain in the neck, there might be something worth valuable to continue living.

Breaking down my Ikigai:

There’s four big circles in the diagram for us to be clearer about what can really be our purpose.

  1. What you love
  2. What you are good at
  3. What you can be paid for
  4. What the world needs

Combining 1 & 2 = PASSION

Combining 2 & 3 = PROFESSION

Combining 3 & 4 = VOCATION

Combining 1 & 4 = MISSION

We might have our Profession but it could be different with our Passion. Or we can be doing our mission but it doesn’t really help us earn money for that one. Again, we want to achieve a purpose that hits all the notes in the diagram. According to the articles I read, and some videos–in order for us to determine what we love, we have to look back the time where we are kids or we don’t have any responsibility yet to put food on the table.

What do you love to do when you are kid? What do you love to do that you will forget the passing of time?

A. WHAT I LOVE WHEN I WAS A KID AND WHAT I LOVE TO DO IN MY FREE TIME

  • singing
  • writing
  • I do this when I was a kid – talking to myself in front of the mirror like I’m doing interviews :D,
  • teaching (I remember we had a small board and I’m role playing as a teacher. Note that I’m imagining myself with students Haha!),
  • I’m gonna add that I love watching Asian dramas and anime
  • reading
  • I LOVE TO EAT
  • travelling (who doesn’t, right)
  • playing ukulele

B. WHAT YOU ARE GOOD AT

This is hard for me to answer. You see, ever since kid I’ve been battling this problem wherein I am not confident of my skill. It’s hard for me to answer this because whenever I feel like I’m good at this skill, I will eventually realized that I’m lacking a lot on this areas. Anyway, I’ll still gonna answer this question to the best of my ability.

I think I’m good at:

  • singing,
  • writing
  • public speaking
  • hosting
  • performing
  • and at a certain point in my life, motivating people.
  • cooking (not all dishes though)

C. WHAT YOU CAN BE PAID FOR

So I’m going to write down the jobs that I did before and we’ll check if any of those are included in what I love and what I’m good at

Brief background about my past jobs:

  • worked at a kids’ theme park doing role-play activities. This is actually a job that I really enjoy to do but then it becomes repetitive for me in the long run and the “role-playing” part of the job slowly becomes too operational and statistical for me.
  • worked in a cruise ship facilitating both active and passive games for children. Plus, we get to learn different skills in performing like circus skills and storytelling for kids. This is actually a fun job but it got halted because of the pandemic.

What was included in my previous jobs that has relation to what I love and good at?

Oh wow. The answer kind of shocked me because there were none. You could say performing but not really as much because I didn’t really perform but help the kids perform. I can add the teaching but not the academic one but more of leisure and fun.

In summary: I get paid facilitating for kids.

Now the next question I will answer is what skills do I have that could get paid?

  • singing
  • writing (my niche is creative and fictional writing, contents about pop culture (esp Kdramas), spirituality and religion)
  • public speaking
  • performing
  • hosting
  • as a motivational speaker

D. WHAT THE WORLD NEEDS = Another tough question to answer!

So I find out some possible questions that can help us answer this question:

  • What problems in your society would you like to help solve immediately? – the purpose of other people (funny coz I can’t even understand mine :D), how to be positive amidst tough times
  • What issues in your community/ the whole world touch you emotionally? – the fact that people works hard all their life but still don’t get compensated for it
  • Are people willing to part with their resources to buy what you’re selling? THIS IS ACTUALLY A TOUGH QUESTION but I don’t think so
  • Will your work still be relevant a decade (or even a century) from now? Yes (ref: https://inside.6q.io/guide-to-ikigai/)

Now with all these questions slowly unraveling the answers to my Ikigai. I am now going to try to find out what my Ikigai could be.

  • writing content about motivation and healing
  • something to do with entertainment and to help people be informed and have fun at the same time. In short, entertainment with a cause

To be honest, that’s all I can think of for now. So I’m going to reflect deeply about this one and see where it would take me.

To end this lengthy post, I think searching for our Ikigai will change over time. The world is vastly changing and so as our needs to be able to keep up with that changes. We will all find our Ikigai soon. And if we already did, there will always be room for improvement and learning.

How about you? Have you found your Ikigai? I am very welcome for more tips and information regarding this concept.

The Catastrophe of the Mind

It was supposed to be a normal Sunday afternoon for her — lying down on the bed while browsing her social media accounts as if there’s something thoroughly interesting on her News Feed and timeline. The neighborhood is blasting old songs that makes her feel plethora of emotions. The songs are her jam. The songs brings her back to her youth—the dreamer she once was and now is out of sight.

“Are you going to stay inside? It’s time to go out now.” her housemate knocked on her door and makes a futile attempt to get her out of the Main Room. She felt a sense of concern coming from her roommate and was about to feel a foreign sensation so she immediately brushed it off.

She’s been staying inside her Main Room for three centuries now. This place is her sanctuary. She has comfort, peace and nonchalance everytime she’s in the Main Room. On her first month, she tried to go out but the tranquility that she is trying to protect instantly vanish as soon as she go out. It was chaos everywhere in the House. The Living Room is so filthy that all kinds of insects reside on the sofa, on the table and even on the appliances. She ran to the Kitchen so she can be safe as the insects notice her presence and tried to eat her, but the kitchen is not safe as well. A small fire that came on the stove slowly becomes gigantic right in front of her eyes and is about to devour her. It was suffocating but she managed to get out. She didn’t even notice the tears that keeps on falling off her eyes because the sight of what was going on is frightening. She wants to go back to her Main Room but it was too hard to do. The House is slowly being infected by doom and disaster. Constant fear made a home in her heart and it made her mental state in the brink of insanity. She looked for her housemate to ask for help. She keeps on screaming for her name. The housemate respond but that was just it. No help came from her. As it turns out, her housemate is in the Bathroom, being sucked by the toilet-like-monster, screaming and crying for help. But she cannot come closer to the Bathroom. There’s so many insects in front of her waiting for her to move. 

The sight and scenario she had gone through when she was out is such a terror that she vows not to get out of her Main Room again.

“I will never go out of again.” she mustered. 

She stayed in her Main Room until the present time. Her housemate was safe from the monster in the Bathroom. She decided to checked up on her but she was too scared of the outside. She is still distress because of the House especially when she found out that the chaos haven’t stopped. It stayed there.

My housemate keeps on knocking. “It is better outside now. The insects are slowly dying and there’s no more fire in the Kitchen.” she said, trying to woo her to go out.

“I don’t feel safe anymore in the House. I only feel safe in my Main Room. I will never get out of here.” she replied to her housemate.

“You have to come out because it’s not what you think of anymore. The House is safe now. It just keeps on getting better and better.” 

“I don’t believe you. Just leave me alone!” she shouted.

The music from her neighborhood is gone. The voice of her housemate is gone. It is just her all alone again and the voices in her mind. “Just don’t do anything. Just stay still. The Main Room is the haven. The Mind is the King. You are being protected from the malicious monster that is roaming in your House.” The words started to rumble like a woe of echoes repeatedly circling inside her mind.

Tranquility is friend.

Chaos is enemy.

Serene is the Main Room.

Destruction is the House.

Listen to the voices—it’s your breeze in the dark.

Trust no one—they are despair out of the light.

Stay in the Main Room and never get out. One does not know what is currently happening in the House. Be lost in your universe. Be joyful in the alternative. 

Yes, that’s right.

Stay, don’t go out.

Be forever in the cosmos that is made perfectly for you.

Wallow Wednesdays XII

What am I up to in this two months of Isolation?

Nothing totally productive or worth earning money. First, I momentarily forgot everything about him in those one month and became so busy watching series, documentaries, podcasts and anything else. I am actually wondering right now how fast yet so slow this past months had been. And in those months, I succumbed myself to temporary pleasures but isn’t really striking my soul to the point I have to take action and just do something worthwhile. Good thing I’ve chanced upon shows that makes me re-evaluate life itself and forget the reality for the meantime.

Hunter X Hunter

I remembered I was looking for a good show and then stumbled upon Hunter x Hunter. It was probably the best show I’ve watched this season and I just bawled my eyes crying in some of the episodes. I was so enthralled with the friendship of the characters — especially Gon and Killua. I always have a soft spot to stories of adventure together with someone, whether romantic interest, friends or families, and just growing together and discovering what to do in life. That last scene in the last episode of the last season (lol.. the construction of this sentence is just so redundant) is just so heartfelt for me that I can’t help but cry. Farewell for me is just something so bittersweet especially if you have to part ways with people whom you’ve shared memories and has been an audience of each other towards character development, every triumph and lost, every bad choices and good ones. It’s inevitable for Gon and Killua to part ways because at the end of the day, they are both individuals who have their own purpose in life and there are just some seasons in life where you have to go through it without your best friend or family.

 

Each season presented different arcs and stories of growth, redemption, revenge, to name a few. However, all I can say is I enjoy every part of it, both filler and main episodes. I enjoyed the Heavens Arena Arc and I just want to give a shoutout to Hisoka because he is actually my favorite villain (or not!) in this anime. Chimera Ants Arc is kind of a slowburn to me at first but during the mid and its final episodes it sort of gave me this deconstructed idea of who’s good and evil. I’ve read a lot of interpretations regarding this arc and how it shouts humanism all over it and I’m just glad to say how profound those interpretations. A lot of characters died in this arc (which is so dear to me) that is why this is the most emotional arc for me and I’ve cried tons of it. There’s this one character who died (I won’t tell who to prevent spoilers) that truly resonate with me; and like all these characters who are close to him/her, I grieve together with them. It was just a painful watch for me and the menacing result that was born out of that grief is somehow doleful for me.

Hisoka MOROW | Anime-Planet

Review: Hunter x Hunter - Chimera Ant Arc | Anime Amino

Overall, this show has managed to capture my heart and I’m sad that there’s a blurry chance we get to see how it ends for the characters. However, the anime wrapped it up beautifully and I truly enjoyed the roller-coaster adventures of all characters.

Hospital Playlist

Next to my watch list was Hospital Playlist which wrapped up its first season last week. This is the kind of show that I didn’t fully realize just grew in my heart and when I finally realize how good it is, I just start to care for every aspect of the storytelling. I started this show with no expectations and what caught me to watch it was some of my favorite actors are in it. I am not a fan of Reply Series (I just can’t understand why I can’t bring myself to love the show even though every time I watch some episodes, it gives a nostalgic and healing factor to me) but with good credentials of the writer-PD tandem, I give this show a try. At first, the rumblings and chaos in the hospital looks realistic for me and the first episode got me confused on what’s going to be the plot of this series. It actually gave me a bored feel to it because one episode is just too long for me. However, I think it was on episode 6 or 7 where I realized how this show just wants to give a story of friendship, love and life of normal people trying to make ends meet through a hospital setting. I think it was a smart choice to use the hospital setting because:

(1) we meet different stories of people in the hospitals — their struggles and their relationships. In each patient that the show introduced to us, we get a glimpse of what their life is outside the hospital. The patients’ POV give us a story of hope, grief and love in just a short period of time. How amazing is that, right? For us viewers to sympathize and empathize to character’s that are not even the leads of the show is a smart way to tell a story which creates impact to its audience.

(2) every time we watch a medical Korean drama, the story focuses on either hospital politics or hospital jargons which is use to create conflict or hospital romance. What separates Hospital Playlist among them is that there’s no hospital politics at all. (If you remember in episode 1, I think the writer wants us to believe there’s going to be a politics conflict brewing up after the chairman died. Rosa — which is the dead chairman’s wife and Jong Su are good friends and it also seems like a betrayal’s about to ensue. It turns out that there’s no conflict at all between them and whoever’s going to be the chairman isn’t really the main interest of the show. Well played, show. Well, played). In summary, this is just a series that shows the life of normal beings without grandiose battle of who’s who. Just a normal story of normal people working on a hospital.

5 Reasons To Start Watching The New Wholesome K-Drama “Hospital ...

This show is just a healing drama to those who will watch it because all characters are endearing to watch. Every main character was given emphasis and no one is left behind. Jo Jung Seok is always amusing to watch (props to his comedic timing; who won’t forget the now-and-soon-to-be legendary Pick Me dance) and he has given life to his character Ik-Jun who is the Mr. Congeniality of the hospital. But it also shows that however hilarious and friendly he is, someone who always give advice to people, he is not exempted to the trials of life. At some point, there will always be hardship too and funny guy can also be serious and earnest (insert: being a father to U-Ju and that confession of love) I would also like to mention the bromance between Jun Wan and Jae Hak. Oh, these two! Helping each other out sincerely and quietly without too much drama. I adore watching their antics and banters and watching them learn from each other.

There are just so many little arcs to mention in this show and I would like to highlight all of them but this post will just get longer and longer. 😀

Last thing I want to mention is the budding love lines in this show. Personally, I root for Seok-Hyeong and Min-Ha together and they are my most favorite couple in the show. An introvert and extrovert? Oh, I would love how it would pan out and I’m sure there’s going to be lots of comical scenes if it will happen. I read some opinions about the love lines on this show discussing how the writer actually confuses its audience about who’s going to end up together with who; showing some signs of ships to sail only for it to crash in the end. eg. Reply 1988. And that there are some subtle signs of who’s the real love team of this show. Of course, everyone is into Song Hwa’s love line with Chi Hong and Ik Joon. For me, what Chi Hong has was a one-sided love and as much as I pity that likeness and sincerity to Song-Hwa, I just don’t think he is the right man for Song-Hwa. I’m not going to talk much with Ik-Joon x Song-Hwa budding romance but going back to the discussions I read (which is actually an unpopular opinion but I firmly believe with a good basis to back-up) Song-Hwa just doesn’t like Ik-Joon. We can formulate theories of the romance through different shots of the scenes eg. that night where Song-Hwa stayed in Ik-Joon’s apartment. There was this shot of the both of them outside the window with the pouring rain and as the scene ends they became blurry because of too much rain. With regards to Jeong-Won and Gyeo-Wool, well their scene in the last episode just gives us a room to be more excited of what story they will provide in season 2. I just think it’s too early to finalized all love interests in this show because a lot can happened in Season 2.

Hospital Playlist' gains traction in terms of buzz, TV ratings

Can I just also mention the OST’s?! This is one of the best this show has offered me as well. This group of people who’ve withstand the test of time, forming a band and just singing their hearts out is definitely a highlight of the show for me. I think this is the first time in so many years where I love all of the OST’s in the drama. OSTs speak of their past, their present and their future and I just love it.

Overall, I enjoyed this show so much and it’s just weird that the last episode doesn’t feel like the last episode because their stories left a lot for a second season. Now, the agony is to wait for the S2 for a year!? Let’s see what’s going to happen about it.

So this entry ended up with me making some flash reviews about the series that speaks volume to my heart. Well, it’s just so worthwhile to meet a good show that resonates deeply in my heart. I am not usually a fan of theories, though I welcome it, nor I have an eye for every detail. As I mentioned before, what grips my heart for a show to truly impress me is the storytelling of opening yourself to a wider perspective filled with emotions and reflection of your own self right after watching or reading it. For me, the downside of coming across this shows is it always leave a hallow feeling in my chest making me feel empty. Well, I want to believe that there’s an upside to this one too. Even though it leaves a space in my heart, it gives me a room to reassess myself and put more knowledge and feeling into it for me to learn more and get to know myself even better. I believe that this shows helped me go back to my inner core and just fully enjoy my own adventure even though I am stubborn and inconsistent in some of my ways.

And to everyone who will get to read this post, I hope you get to appreciate any form of storytelling (films, series, novels, poems) and whatever kind of storytelling you meet along the way, I hope it creates an impact to you and how you view this world.

Out of all the art I knew, it always boils down to the core which is the stories of life — hope and becoming, of tragedy and recovery, of yin and yang.