Wallow Wednesdays V

Here I am again, with a tinge of hope sparkling as new days lies ahead. I’ve been wanting to  experience life to the fullest because for the last years I kept on controlling myself to achieve new heights, to discover that there are things that is worth celebrating and achieving even thought the world is full of mess. I hope this sense of urgency to live and love life won’t die any soon, because whenever I have this great feeling I always end up being down and weary on the following weeks.

Come fast, November, because I am willing to try another cabin crew recruitment at this local airline. I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.

I realized that I don’t need anyone to be my friend. I don’t need the approval of everyone. Slowly I am on my way of not giving a fuck of what everyone thinks of me. I am a certified people-pleaser and I don’t want to form arguments and fights with anyone or everyone. I am almost there. Just few more steps and hurdles; a little bit of practice then and there. Surely, I’m gonna master it.

I feel like I’m into taking the ladder of making my career successful. Right now, I’m not into focusing myself on finding a lover unlike other people in my age. If there will be, then fine but if there’s none, then it’s better as well. I don’t wanna rely my happiness to anyone. I want to be a whole person and I’m not yet ready to give half of it to someone else.

Books

I seriously want to read a book right now. I’m eyeing to read The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman but I can’t buy a copy because I’m broke. It seems like I just want to read Neil Gaiman’s novels  for now. I have a huge respect to this writer. Though I have to admit, American Gods wasn’t the right Neil Gaiman book for me. Nevertheless, I still felt its heart and soul. I felt emotions. And that’s what I like whenever I read a book or even watch series. More than the actions and the gripping scenes, more than its cinematography (which is a big plus point, still), I am more attracted to the story and how it builds up towards the end. I love seeing different characters and discovering their similarities with mine. I love finding out that we have the same dilemma and I love how they conquer everything that conflict throws away.

For some reason, more than the travelling stuff, I want to be more incline with arts now like watching a film and a theater play. I’ve been looking for someone for so many years to just engage in a very meaningful conversation and just talked about our thoughts when it comes to those film and plays we’ve watched. I’m gonna be lucky if that person watch K-dramas as well. Haha! I want to have someone like girlfriday of Dramabeans and just talked about it over some drinks. More than the satisfaction and entertaining factor, I want to talk about the story, characters and even plot holes. I want to talk about what was really good and what went wrong, its upside and downside. I just badly want someone whom I can talk with when it comes to this stuff ‘coz I’m really a fan of these type of art and entertainment.

New Perspective

Let me discover the good things in life one step at a time. Let me discover its rotten and ugly side too. Let me feel. Let me be happy and angry and sad. Let me hope. Let it spark alive. Let me live.

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Wallow Wednesdays I

I started this day binge-watching episodes of Korean drama’s Lookout. I was still awake at 12am, in front of my laptop, feeling all sorts of emotions on what’s happening with the heroine and the gang. I just have to stopped around 3am because I really need to sleep. It’s dawn already and if I’ll continue, I might even see the sun rise.

Having still awake at midnight, I sorta did a salubong of Ji Chang Wook’s birthday. He’s 30 by now and set to enlist in the army after his ongoing drama, Suspicious Partner. He’s my oppa that I’m currently obssessed with; he’s even my wallpaper! I happened to watch some Running Man episodes yesterday with him as one of the guests, and, oh boy, he’s just so freaking adorkable! Park Bong Soo is real!

I woke up with the news that Song Joong Ki and Song Hye Kyo announced their marriage this October! I have to checked some sites to know if it’s legit, and it really is! There were speculations even before about them dating but I can’t believe it’s really true! Congratulations, SongSong couple! Now, I have this desire to rewatch Descendants of the Sun again!

Speaking of K-dramas, I just finished Circle: Two Worlds Connected last Monday (I also slept late because I have to finished it!) and it was superb! Too bad the drama is underrated. It doesn’t reach their expected ratings of 3%. Yeo Jin Gu is such a delight to watch! What a brilliant actor. And I’m also having a girl crush to the actress who portrayed Byul/Han Jung Yeon. Her acting delivery as Byul (alien) is just both creepy and lovely to watch. I love how the show did not left its core – love. It’s the driving force of everyone. The brother’s love for each other stays until the end of the episode. From the BETA project up to the Brave New World, they did not stop looking for each other because of love. They want Human B to end because they know that it’s better to keep the memories, even agonizing, than having no memories at all. I’m proud with Le Ho Soo’s redeeming moment. He just pissed me of big time during the former episodes. It’s good that he realizes his mistake at the end and help our team to find Woo-Jin. My favorite character is Lee Hyun Suk. If you read some former entry, I empathize characters like Hyun Suk. He’s will to live ended him to join the bad force. He’s too coward to leave Human B even though he knows it’s wrong. I feel you, bro. I feel you.

I’m dying to find some answers on who really Byul is and where she came from but they use that mystery as their ending to make viewers be more curious. Arrrggghhh, show. Why? Are you hinting a Season 2?

I think I have to stop talking about Circle by now. I shoulda make a separate post about it. Tee hee. But if you’re a lover of Kdramas, you have to watch this. It’s a rare gem in Kdramaland, I tell you!

Book

I’ve been dividing my little time binge-watching dramas and reading a new book, American Gods by Neil Gaiman. I’ve always feel like I’m in an adventure whenever I read Gaiman’s novels. I’m not yet in the mid-half of the novel but it’s slowly unraveling the mystery of the gods. I’m sort of knowing and understanding who’s Mr. Wednesday. I’m slowly falling in love with the book. I will always be amazed with Neil Gaiman’s writing style and the richness of his imaginations to come up with this kind of stories.

Other stuff

I’m financially unstable right now. It’s my fault for being this way. In my quest to enjoy this life, I’ve been indulging too much to expensive delight such as theater plays, which is such an expensive hobby. I have a lot of expenses lately but my salary is not cooperating. I realized that if you want to enjoy life greatly, you must have money! And a lots of it.

Work and Life

I’m having an utter delight with these korean kids at work. They’re four siblings – oppa, unni and an identical twin sisters. They’re all so adorable! I’ve been wanting to develop a relationship with these kids so whenever I got the chance I talk to them a lot. I find out that Twin A doesn’t want to go with unnie and Twin B. The way the story was told to me was just so kyeopta!

During the first quarter of the year, I’m dreading to go to work. That was the worst so far. I know I’m not that fond with work anymore but those months I was just really dragging my way to work. Add on the emotional turmoil of the events surrounding my life. However, things just went on 360 degrees. Work became my stress-reliever now. There’s still that lingering feeling of not going to work but once I’m there, I don’t feel the passing of time. I like talking to kids and knowing a little about them. Maybe part of the reason is I started liking the activities assigned to our team. Then there were the “korean kids” who are very cute and adorable. Work became a safe haven.

I’ll be trying another cabin crew recruitment this Saturday and I’m feeling nervous and lazy at the same time. I should give it a try. I let go of the opportunity last May that cause me to lurk around and be tired of everything. I never really know why I wanted this job so bad. Yeah, it was a promise. A part of the past. But it’s different now. I’m no longer the girl in the past. I’m a brand new person today yet I still want it. Well, not as much as before but I feel like I belong to that career. I feel like that job is for me. A lot of people are telling me that I look like a cabin crew and pushing me to try it but it’s not as easy as it seems. Being a cabin crew is like going through a needle. It’s not just about the looks but on how people see me. It’s about my personality. It’s about myself and how I interact with people. I realized that first impression lasts.

Having said that, I’m just glad that I am getting to know myself better. My flaws and all that. It’s just the middle of the year but 2017 is proving me that this is not my best year. There were lots of things that happened, personal and national. I’m just scared of everything. I’m scared of the future, of the decisions I chose. Sometimes this is the reason why I’m tired to live this life dilligently. Hope will fire up only for it to die down once I remember those dreading events. What’s the use of living the life if it will only lead to destruction? What’s the use of dreaming if it will only end?

I hope that there will be good news at the end of the week. I hope to live even if it’s hard. I hope to dream even if there’s still no light at the end of the tunnel. I hope to pursue grander things in life. I hope to find a different purpose. I hope. Hope. Even it’s just merely a word, but the intensity of the meaning, will always lead me to survive eagerly. ‘Coz this is what Life is all about. You pass through the calm waves only to find a storm. And once the storm is over, you rest in the serenity of the waves only for it to get bigger again until you meet another raging storm. Yes, life is a cycle. It’s a never-ending journey through the unknown.

And while I’m in it, might as well fight the raging storm and indulge through the calm waves. As the song say, let’s just dance through life.

 

PS. I have a lot of errands to do but I’m just so tired to get up. Geez. This laziness is consuming me.

Novel: It Ends with Us

Warning: Major Spoilers ahead

 

Okaaaaay.. I have such whirlwind emotions after reading this book. Everything just overwhelms me. The life of Lily amazes me and saddens me at the same time. I want to write a proper note with regards to this novel but I don’t even know how or where to start. This book just raised the bar higher amongst other novels of Colleen Hoover. I’m a fan of her novels. Though I’ve never read every novel she wrote, I’ve read most of it. And I love it. However, this novel is really something else. Probably because it’s based from an own experience or because this book teaches us a different side of love – the one that wasn’t tackle that much in romance novel.

I love Ryle. And for some reason I want Lily to forgive him. But then, I realized that it is also the right decision to let go of him even though there’s a chance of redemption for him. I suddenly imagined myself in Lily’s shoes and realized that if I were Lily I would badly want to escape from the relationship. Ryle’s remorse or regret would not necessarily change the fact that she physically abused Lily. No matter what mistake the other party did, it is never right to use physical stamina to hurt a woman.

On a different side of spectrum, I feel sad for Ryle as well. I believed she deeply loves Lily and that other side of him is something he can’t control as well. It’s so frustrating on his part that he can’t save himself in that situation. However, getting help from Lily is hard as well because it’s Lily’s life at stake. I just hope that even though it’s the end of the book already, on some alternate universe, he finds it in himself to heal whatever illness he’s encountering. I hope that he will find happiness on his own despite everything that happened. Every human has a right of redemption. No matter how big or small the mistake is, there is always room for a new beginnings.

Going back to Lily, you go girl! You’re strong enough to break free from a love that won’t do you any good in the long run. Yes, there are best memories; but you won’t be exchanging that best to the worst thing that can happen to you or to your daughter. It’s hard to let go of the man who have given you tinglies and butterflies, who’ve made you feel so many emotions, who’ve given you the best memories. But choosing to let go, not only for her sake but for her daughter’s sake as well, is a mark of a strong woman. Putting her daughter and herself in safety first, above anything else.

I’m sad that they did not end up together. But it teaches me to value myself as well before anything gets worse. I want to find a love where I can feel I am protected but then it is only me who can protect myself. And so, I want to embody a strong woman. A woman who values my worth and won’t let any man wrecked me. I know it’s too early to say that but I’m still hoping that I’ll be as strong as Lily. Ready to face all unsurmountable problems in all aspects of life.

PS. I’m still sad they did not end up together. 😦