Wallow Wednesdays V

Here I am again, with a tinge of hope sparkling as new days lies ahead. I’ve been wanting to  experience life to the fullest because for the last years I kept on controlling myself to achieve new heights, to discover that there are things that is worth celebrating and achieving even thought the world is full of mess. I hope this sense of urgency to live and love life won’t die any soon, because whenever I have this great feeling I always end up being down and weary on the following weeks.

Come fast, November, because I am willing to try another cabin crew recruitment at this local airline. I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.

I realized that I don’t need anyone to be my friend. I don’t need the approval of everyone. Slowly I am on my way of not giving a fuck of what everyone thinks of me. I am a certified people-pleaser and I don’t want to form arguments and fights with anyone or everyone. I am almost there. Just few more steps and hurdles; a little bit of practice then and there. Surely, I’m gonna master it.

I feel like I’m into taking the ladder of making my career successful. Right now, I’m not into focusing myself on finding a lover unlike other people in my age. If there will be, then fine but if there’s none, then it’s better as well. I don’t wanna rely my happiness to anyone. I want to be a whole person and I’m not yet ready to give half of it to someone else.

Books

I seriously want to read a book right now. I’m eyeing to read The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman but I can’t buy a copy because I’m broke. It seems like I just want to read Neil Gaiman’s novels  for now. I have a huge respect to this writer. Though I have to admit, American Gods wasn’t the right Neil Gaiman book for me. Nevertheless, I still felt its heart and soul. I felt emotions. And that’s what I like whenever I read a book or even watch series. More than the actions and the gripping scenes, more than its cinematography (which is a big plus point, still), I am more attracted to the story and how it builds up towards the end. I love seeing different characters and discovering their similarities with mine. I love finding out that we have the same dilemma and I love how they conquer everything that conflict throws away.

For some reason, more than the travelling stuff, I want to be more incline with arts now like watching a film and a theater play. I’ve been looking for someone for so many years to just engage in a very meaningful conversation and just talked about our thoughts when it comes to those film and plays we’ve watched. I’m gonna be lucky if that person watch K-dramas as well. Haha! I want to have someone like girlfriday of Dramabeans and just talked about it over some drinks. More than the satisfaction and entertaining factor, I want to talk about the story, characters and even plot holes. I want to talk about what was really good and what went wrong, its upside and downside. I just badly want someone whom I can talk with when it comes to this stuff ‘coz I’m really a fan of these type of art and entertainment.

New Perspective

Let me discover the good things in life one step at a time. Let me discover its rotten and ugly side too. Let me feel. Let me be happy and angry and sad. Let me hope. Let it spark alive. Let me live.

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Life: Change

There’s this unexplainable feeling in my chest that I can’t specify into words. All I know is that I want my life to change. I want to explore the world, to meet new people, to learn about life, to widen horizons. I want a total change in my life. A change of habit. A change of lifestyle. The problem is.. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to meet new people. It’s awkward for me to start a conversation with someone. I don’t know how to make friends with anyone. I’m not just a Miss Congeniality type of person. I’m used to having a small circle of friends. I don’t like large crowd especially if I’m not close to this crowd. There’s another problem.. How will I explore the world if I’m afraid to be alone? This one is kind of confusing. I want to be alone but the thought of travelling alone makes me like a scaredy cat. I just can’t.. And that’s a problem. I don’t know how.. I don’t know why I can’t do it.

I’m afraid to get out of my comfort zone. That is the main problem. I want change but I can’t even get out of my zone and risk. I always feel like I’m an independent woman when in reality I can’t even go to the dentist alone. You see what I mean? I feel like I don’t have the capacity to change my lifestyle if I won’t risk getting out of my shell, which I think, will really be hard. I know that I should do this on my own but I hope I have someone who will help me with all of this. I am just tired of being this kind of woman who can’t even go out and enjoy and just be laid back with life.

I just hope that before this year ends. I can start changing this life. I am really hoping for a new beginning. I hope that before 2017 starts, there will be a start of something new in my life. Something that I never knew will happen. Something that I never imagine before. Something new. Something grandiose. Something different.

When hope arises, that is the beginning right? Of something wonderful and extraordinary? I can’t wait to reach that part of my life.

Since no one will be cheering me, might as well cheer myself.

Cheers to me, who won’t kill the hope that someday, everything will fall into place.

Cheers to me, who’s craving for a life that is beautiful.

Cheers to me, who can’t wait but be amazed in the world that there is, or there will be.

Cheers to me, who’s been lurking around for four days, haven’t done something productive, but still hoping that someday a fantasy will turn into reality.

And even the hope is slowly dying, I will still lit it up and will stay positive that this life of mine will change.

For more adventures and beyond!