WoaM: De-Ci-Sion

I am as confused as ever.

Well, when did I not get confused? I am confused all the time. You can cut my chest, see my heart and find spirit of organism named Confusion – a group of cells that is slowly eating the organs of your heart until it becomes lifeless; then this Confusion will aim at your brain and start devouring it until you become a zombie. This organism, Confusion, will torture you but will not kill you yet. It will make sure that you are confused for the rest of your life. Oh, did I not mention? This Confusion leads to myriad of emotions – depression, anxiety, panic. It will consume your being that will cause you not to live your life to the fullest.

Worst case scenario: You won’t be able to move literally; it’s like you are in state of paralysis. Everything in your life will be pointless. One seeming move and your mind parades fear and doubt.

How to cure? MAKE A DECISION. It’s either you step out of fear and do what scares you or be in the state of confusion and doubt all the time until you just decided to kill yourself and die.

Wow. So easy to say, but so hard to do.

Mine, I could say, is a special case. I know why I am so confuse and I know how to cure it. But the problem is, a lot of thoughts are at the back of my mind. A souls of microorganisms are eating my decision to just embrace it all – including the bad and the good. Why do I say it’s special? Because mind is bind with divinity. I know we have different perception of who God is, and we are taught in different cultures and religions. In my case, whatever lens I looked at it, it’s always associated with God. My life is always connected with Him. I’ve experienced it – floating in a surging storm in the middle of the ocean, but is relaxed and calm because the presence of God inside of me is overflowing that it transcends peace and tranquility. But to be honest, there are things in your life you have to give up to continue this divine road. You have to give up your own desires and succumb to His. And so I realized that I just want a Savior, not a Master. Because being with God is living your life for His glory and detaching yourself from the riches of the world and focusing your mind in heavenly things.

I knew a lot of Christ-followers who had their life turned around in full circle, but still enjoying their lives to the fullest. While I knew some, who had overcome depression and is now living their lives to the fullest even without God.

I know I’m being a selfish bitch and you could assume now that If I die at this very moment, my soul will rotten in hell. I have a lukewarm faith and I am not qualified to be His daughter. My soul cannot be equipped to serve Him – that’s what I thought. I grew up in a Catholic household; I am the only Born Again-Christian. I already knew a lot of answers on what my purpose could be but is still having a tough time embracing it. I’m in a turmoil. I don’t want this life to be fully devoted to God but at the same time, I feel like this is my only way to be out of this destruction. Sometimes I just want to let go of what ifs and just stepped out of this faith and see where it leads me. I’ve always read about it, but when it’s happening to you it’s just really hard to decide whether to do it or not.

I ran away before; after three years, managed to get back on track, and now I want to run away again. I don’t want to sign up for this anymore. Why is my journey so hard? Why do I feel like everything that He has for me is the opposite of what I want?

They say only He knows what’s best for us; but why can’t I feel it? Why do I need to be test in fire every freaking time? Why do I have to be involved in this kind of divinity? Why can’t I be like other people who can managed to live their life even without Him?

What did I even got myself into?

Whether you are a Christ-follower or not, you are not an exemption in depression. You will always feel anxious. As long as we are in this world, we will be in endless trials.

Everything that I want I cannot get because it’s not meant for me. I feel so alone and useless. Whenever I will decide to let go of the inhibitions, it will all come back and melt the grand decision that I was about to do.

I’m fucking scared – of change and of responsibility.

I am not deserving and qualified to do what He calls me to do. Can I just live like the rest? Can I be out of the equation?

At this point in my life, I am at the lowest of lows. I am losing the energy to fight this battles. I am so tired of being tired; tired of being weary all the time.

I know the answers in my own misery but is terrified of doing so.

Decision.

De

ci

sion.

Help me.

Get me out of this jail.

Get. me. out.

Ending my week with a conclusion that I need to make a decision. But I feel like I am left with no choice. It’s either I trust Him and jump the cliff or forever stay at the edge not knowing what lies beneath.

//////

PS.  My entry is getting more personal every time I post. I hope no one knows me personally. /crosses fingers/

 

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WoaM: Acceptance, Confusion and Pride

How does one gets past off the acceptance stage?

How does one not think about of what others will say?

I was supposed to write a new entry of this post on the next Sunday, but my mind and heart wants to explode all the words I can’t say just to anyone. And so I am writing a short entry just to blow off some steam in my system.

I am still in the grieving stage – a continuous long vacation of the unknown. Last time, I was left all alone in the house and the amount of grief and anxiety is taking its toll in my mental state. I found myself fuming of anger and agitated of everything that is going on with my present situation. Why do I have to go all through this? Why do I belong in the unlucky circle? And so, I just shouted (a shout that won’t be heard by the neighborhood) and screamed foul words; I was flaming mad of the situation, and of myself.

Afterwards, I felt a momentary peace. I guess the action helped me quite a bit and I felt brief healing. I somehow felt positive that everything’s going to be alright; that there will be good news at the end of the week.

True enough, I received back to back job interviews – one of those is from a tutor school just near our house. I sent an email from them half a month ago and from then on I relentlessly wait for their reply. I was hopeless until I received a text message from them inviting me for interview. You’d thought I’d feel happy about it but to be honest, I am not feeling any excitement. The other interview is from a company just near my former workplace. I am quite skeptical going there because it’s near my previous company and I don’t want to go back to a place that might make my inner wound deeply scarred.

Which actually leads me on what am I truly feeling right now. I feel confused, humiliated and an enormous amount of pride is sinking in my heart. I was about to accept the fact that there are things or dreams that are not meant for me; only if I haven’t found out some people knew the situation I am facing as of the moment. I am shocked, humiliated, ashamed leading me to feel dubious and stupefied. Now I’m back to not accept the fact that I’m bound to stay here; and that I cannot climb up the ladder yet – or worse, forever.

I’ve always been a secretive person – to strangers, acquaintances, best friends, or even to my own family. I don’t share struggles or good news. Sometimes – or most of the times, they will figured out all on their own what’s happening to me. Privacy is a big matter to me. I don’t simply share a piece of my life to someone else. And if I don’t share the good things, why would I even share the bad ones, right? That’s why I am mortified to find out that some people knew about my current situation. Overthinking started. Aside from them, who else knew of it? I did not even tell them yet how did they know? Now, I’m scared to see some of these people who probably knew, thinking to myself that they might ask me about it not because they’re concern but because they’re just curious. Yes, being in the dark makes me think bad about others. I can’t help it. I entrusted a secret, a big part of me, to a few people just to find out one of them carelessly shared it to others without my consent.

I admit that I am mad because I feel embarrassed. People kept on congratulating me before only to find out the misfortune that I’m going through. Now, I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to settle to a mediocre job because my pride is overflowing, and I just want to prove to the naysayers that I am not in the losing force.

I don’t want to attend to any interviews. I feel so confused; heck, I don’t even know what’s the right and best decision for my life. I thought that finally I will be able to pause this constant struggle but it just keeps on going on. I feel so degraded. I feel like a ludicrous fool.

I feel like I’m in this track that keeps on showing me another road. It’s a road that looks so bumpy and ridiculous but there is Someone who is ready to lead me. The problem with me is that, I cannot accept the fact that I have to go through that road; I cannot embrace that kind of life. I don’t want to be with those type of people because I found them really weird and freakish. I find it hard to accept all of it and I’m thinking that I’m better than that. I’m above them and I don’t want to be a part of that clique.

Wow. My rotten character is showing as I continue writing this blog. I am feeling like a trash again. It keeps on getting worse. This pride of mine keeps on getting worse too.

How do I held my head up high and see past through the judgment and pity of these people?

How do I throw away this pride and all the terrible attitude of my heart and to just submit to the holy authority?

Or should I just accept the fact that I’m born to just stay here – in the suburbs, and be stuck here all the days of my life.

Should I just keep on trying again? Or should I just stop believing?

This is my midweek – hardly accepting of my situation, pride that is consuming me, and an endless confusion of what if, what could have been and what should be.

Healing is never easy especially if it’s about to heal only to be wounded again because life keeps on saying you can never be healed, fucker.

 

 

 

Wallow Wednesdays VIII

If there is one object or channel I have always been honest with, it is in this blog. I never hid my struggles in here; in fact, writing here is slowly making my mind and body heal. I’ve been in a constant tussle of starting a brand new spectacle of this life, but there were days that it’s just really hard to get by. It’s hard for me to accept the fact that I’m fated to stay here — in an unknown place I can’t name as well, and not there — in a different unknown place with lots of grander possibilities.

Sometimes I would see these people, already achieved better things in life, and feel a surge of insecurity as they embarked their dream life — grandiose places, bigger world to unravel and a whole new different trials to overcome in relation to their dream. I also dream of same things; but how come it’s hard for me to get there? Is it because at the back of my mind I still yearn for instant gratification? Is it because the best that I am exerting is not enough to achieve all of it? But what if it’s already fate that’s saying you, “not yet”. If it’s not yet, then when will it be? As Ariel sang in Little Mermaid, “When’s it my turn? Wouldn’t I love? Love to explore that shore up above. Out of the sea, wish I could be, Part of Your World.”

It’s so easy to say to a devastated person the lines, “Maybe it’s not yet the right time” or “Better things are in store for you” but to be honest, it’s just rubbing salt to the wound, and I am guilty of those actions as well. I’ve always stay in silence when a person, even close to mine, is struggling so hard. And even though I don’t mention it to them, at the back of my mind having the “faith mentality” will solve all those pain. Truth be told, it won’t change the circumstances of the person. And now, people are telling me to just hold on; but it’s hard. It’s hard to believe especially if everything’s just chaos and oblivion.

How do you even save yourself from all sorts of pain? The feeling of waking up in the morning and suddenly feeling the sorrow and defeat make my days so unbearable. There will be moments of lingering hope but suddenly will shatter once I realize the state that I’m still in. And maybe, cynical thoughts will quash once I come out of this situation. The question is: will I come out alive?

Japanese Dramas

As I am in the state of depression, I continuously indulge myself with doramas of Kimura Takuya. God, I just can’t stop talking about this actor. I have no plans of watching Beautiful Life anymore as I know the ending but my crazy impulse just found myself skimming every episode until I reached the end last night. And knowing the ending, it did not sort of leave a heavy impact to me. I believe that if I haven’t known how it ends, I’ll be in cryfest for days, atop with my emotional disaster. I am still controlling myself to watch Good Luck and Hero because I feel like I don’t deserve to have a drama marathon considering how messed up my life is and rewarding myself of the time to binge watch these dramas is a sin. I don’t deserve to squeal over dramas right now until I figure out an escape to the mess I’m in. And so, as much as I want to, let me pause my Takuya’s drama marathon for now until I got my shit together. I hope I can do this, though.

I am telling myself over and over again that consuming most of my time watching dramas is not making my emotional turmoil heal. I feel like I just need to make my time productive, even though I don’t know how.

Korean Dramas

I am in my ongoing watch of Touch your Heart and Romance is a Bonus Book, though I still haven’t watch this week’s episodes of the latter. I can’t help but compare the former with What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim, mostly because it has the same director and probably the drama is also based on manhwa (not sure with it though). Still, the show is feel-good and both main actors have this natural and explosive chemistry that you just want them to be together. I don’t have problems with the plot. As shallow or cliche it seems to be, I don’t care. I just want a fluffy drama to cover black spots in my chest.

Romance is a Bonus Book, on the other hand, is also a fluffy drama starring the fluff and cute that is Lee Jong Suk. Gosh, any drama with Lee Jong Suk in it is hypnotizing me to continue watching Kdramas. I love the conversations and dialogues presented in every episode especially towards the ending scene. I love the supporting characters. I love that they’re showing the struggles of publishing a book especially in an era where almost everything is digital. I love how it shows the different struggles of every character. I have soft spot with characters that are not shown to be perfect and have-it-all life.  Though I just don’t have the interest of watching the latest episode and I don’t know why. Okay. okay. I have to admit, I’m still in a Kimura Takuya drama hangover. Teehee.

I also had an interest with The Light in Your Eyes especially in the first two episodes. I can relate with the characters and how depressing their lives are, until the fantasy elements happened. It would’ve been a better drama for me if there’s no time jump that happened and the show just presented the struggles of the two main characters when it comes to their dreams and life as a whole plus the romance between them. Nam Joo Hyuk is slaying his character whereas Han Ji Min’s rocking hers. I must say their chemistry is palpable and I would love to see their journey both as couple and individual. The turnout of the succeeding episodes is personally not working for me and to be honest, I just want a simple slice-of-life drama that reflects my struggles too; no time jump. No fantasy.

Books

I’ve come to a fact that I haven’t read for a long period of time. The last book I read was To all the Boys I’ve Loved Before Trilogy and right after that, Life happened thus straying myself away from good books. Now, I just want to read again, preferably self-help books just so I can input some positivity in this pessimistic cloud circling in my head. I downloaded epub such as The Power of Now, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, and Persuasion by Jane Austen to name a few. I hope my perspective will change as I read this books and that not only knowledge but also certainty fills my mind as I delve into this books.

Back to Reality

Aaahhhh.. The feeling of being alive but is wallowed by sorrow is both agonizing and tremendously scarring my system. Right now, I want to believe that greater things are in store for me and that I should start fresh. It’s still hard for me to accept the fact that I had to go through it the hard way and that time and luck is never in my side all this time.

I want to start afresh and live with no expectations. No more dreaming big. But at the other side of spectrum, I want to push myself to the limits. I want to try harder and live farther in spite of suicidal thoughts (this is not alarming so dont worry. Im not brave enough to kill myself. lol).

I hope this time the Law of Attraction applies to me and I just attract the finer things in life and blind my sight to see others’ achievements. We all have our struggles, with some having achieved their dreams in life but is continually surviving in a grueling world, while others still trying to find their place in the world. I am not yet in a total healing as I still have thoughts of envy and jealousy towards others who have their shit together. But someday, I hope I can change the course of my life, without Someone telling me to do this and that; because the holy betrayal penetrates so deep I don’t think it’s gonna heal in a short period of time.

 

Wallow Wednesdays II

I rarely cry.

I cry whenever I watch a relatable scene in a drama that I’m watching or if I am sso much immersed in a novel that I’m reading. But crying because of life issues? That is really rare to happen.

If life keeps on frustrating me, I just want to cry it all but unfortunately no tears were coming out. It’s hard for me to cry. I don’t cry easily.

Last night was one of those few moments wherein I just burst it all out and cry nonstop.

This week wasn’t a good week. Funny how I’ve shown positivity on my last week’s post but ended up getting disappointed and frustrated at myself, even at life.

First, I didn’t attend the cabin crew recruitment. Major reason was I’m just so lazy about going in the venue. I’m living in the countryside and I’m on a vacation from work but I’m just so tired to work on CV and outfits for the recruitment. In other words, I don’t have motivation. To be honest, I’m not sure if I still want this job badly. I feel like the only reason I wanted this is because I’m fit for this job, or I don’t have anything that I’m good at and my physical appearance fits the role of a cabin crew (as anyone will always tell me). So I taught, that maybe, this is the job that I can do. The problem is that I don’t have the motivation to go out there, let these recruiters scrutinize me from head to toe and decide if they’ll accept me or not. I want the easiest way to get the job. I don’t want to suffer anymore and accept rejections all the time. I’ve been trying for four times already and even in the first round, which is the physical test, I can’t even pass.

Yeah, yeah. The reason is because I don’t have confidence and I do not believe in myself. Maybe I have to badly want this first so that I’ll do anything just to get it. The funny thing was that, in my height of badly wanting to be a cabin crew, whenever I go to a recruitment, when I’m already standing in front of everyone, the confidence that I’ve mustered and collected just vanished in an instant.

I’m having second thoughts about this career. I’m just feeling demotivated especially with what’s haunting in my life right now. I am being haunted by the past. I just want to normally live this life and be like everyone else. Why do I have to be reminded by that stupid prophecy all the time? What’s even worse is that I’m letting it affect my whole system and just feeling like a scaredy cat!

Going back, now I’m planning to go to that airline company and have a walk-in interview because I’ve neglected going in their cabin crew recruitment twice. I even go on a vacation leave just for the recruitment but I’m always not going. But then, all are just plans; there’s no action and execution. I’ll plan to go and be hopeful but if that day comes every positive attitude is gone in an instant to the point that I won’t just go anymore.

Second, maybe this is just a hormonal issue and I might have my period on the following days. This is just a hunch but my emotions are becoming so magnify when I’m nearing that time of the month. So if I’m feeling agitated or frustrated or extremely sad, that’s my signal that I’ll be having my period already. I think this could be one of the reasons of this sudden change of mood ‘coz I am extremely hopeful and dreamy last week and now, it’s all gone.

Third, I’m having family issues that I can’t even (or I chose not to) let out in my system. I can’t/don’t even want to talk nor write about this. It’s a very sensitive topic and I just want to think that nothing serious is happening but I’m aware that it’s been going on for years now.

I’m depressed and I just don’t want to live anymore. I don’t want to die; I want to sleep forever. I want to be numb and I don’t want to have emotions. I even wish I have amnesia just so I can remove all these memories and start with a clean slate. I suddenly remember the premise of Circle. If removing memories will help cure people then be it. Now I want my memories to be remove minus the Human B having a copy of my memory! I don’t want to be in this pain and agony all my life.

This is how I am broken right now.

On to the good stuff….

After this I’ll be watching the last four episodes of Lookout. I just hope all will be well with our Lookout squad and just please let that bitch attorney’s son suffer. I loathe him the most out of all the villains. If he doesn’t have an ounce of resentment with what he’s done, he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. It’s the same with Seung Ro.

I’ll just watch the last two episodes of Suspicious Partner as well (I think it’ll end this week) and then I might hibernate in the world of K-dramas. I don’t know. This season I’ve watched a lot of ongoing dramas (four dramas are a lot for me) and I feel like I just need to take a break. I’ve lost my interest with Fight my Way and still not in the mood to watch the last four episodes. I’m gonna focus my time finishing American Gods (w/c I wasn’t even able to hold this whole week!) or watch/rewatch Ji Chang Wook’s dramas after his enlistment. My Wookie side of heart is slowly dying. 😭😭 He’ll be gone for two years! How will I handle that?!

BUT!

If there is a drama that piques my interest, then I might watch it. My competitive side doesn’t want to lose to those Kdrama watchers (esp the new ones) since K-dramas are quite a hit now and everyone watches and I don’t want to be left behind. I think that’s the reason why I watch almost all ongoing dramas right now. However, I’m not tailored for that kind of drama watching. From now on, I’ll go back to what I always do in watching Kdramas. I’ll watch what I think is good and enjoyable and stick to it; no need to force myself to watch a drama just because it’s popular and everyone’s raving about it.

Getting ready for this week

I’m still feeling hallow and tired about everything. I don’t even want to go to work tomorrow. Just thinking about it is making me feel dreadful. So I’m not gonna expect something positive to happen ‘coz the last time I did that nothing good happens. So I won’t be expectant and make every tomorrow surprise me of what’s gonna happen.

Hey, that’s a good mantra right now, isn’t it?