WOAM: Rumblings in Times of Isolation

Isolate /verb/ – cause (a person or a place) to be remain alone or apart from others

During this times, we often here the word isolation. The global pandemic Covid 19 causes the people to halt their everyday activities and just remain at home. On when this is going to end, no one knows. As a result, a lot of people resorted to different activities in order for them to make this time more productive and entertaining. And because people have more time to indulge in social media, there has been an increase of usage to popular social media apps such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and even Tiktok. This could also be a perfect time for them to finish those series on Netflix. Others are using this time to bond more with their families especially those parents who’ve always been at work and rarely at home. For singles, they are using this time for self-growth – learning a new language, baking, cooking and the likes. For some, they still have to work from home and meet the demands of their boss and company. I would also like to take this opportunity to salute our front liners who are bravely doing their duty to serve people; while other people are in the comfort of their own homes, these front liners willingly go to their respective workplace and be of service to those who are in need.

Isolation

For introverts like me, isolation have always felt heaven. This is what helps us energize from all the socializing we did on that day or week. This has been a birth of the memes that I’ve read and how this isolation has always been the life of introverts and it’s not new to us. However, in spite of the jokes, even for some introverts, this could also serve as a challenge to face. At first, I had a rough time dealing with this isolation period. Fresh from my job in the cruise, I had to take time to release all the emotions that I’ve got on my last contract. I try to indulge myself with Netflix movies and series but I just lost interest as time goes by. I downloaded a lot of epub books but none of them have filled up the thirst that I’m feeling as of the moment. Until I went back to my interest on my Myer-Briggs personality. I’ve always been fascinated about MBTI and introversion topics for it helped me understand myself better. So I spend most of my time reading bunch of articles about INFP, introversion, strengthfinder. I started listening to podcast and some Tedtalks and to be honest, I think this interest of mind won’t die any soon. Because of my engrossment about this topic, I had some moments of epiphany and discovery about where I am right now in my life, what had happened in the past year, what have changed in me and how does some moments of isolation in the past helped me once I go out there and faced the world again.

Let’s start with the series of isolation in my life. From time to time, ever since young, I am always going through hermit mode. All of a sudden, I will just discard myself to my peers and stay at home doing either nonsensical or vice versa. But I will always remember the two important isolation in my life. One of which, was in 2015, right after I graduated from college. At first I told myself that I’m going to rest for a short while then will start to look for a job. But at some point, the pressure from inner circle is starting to take a toll on me. I have something in mind that I think I ought to do but people close to me are opposed to it. And so, those months of seclusion had turned me into being bitter and sour. I found a job after 6 months and told myself that this is going to be the start of a new chapter in my life.

I stayed on that job for three years and I will always have good memories about it. My favorite part will always be the friendship formed with a lot of people. However, I also discovered all the nasty attitudes I have – no self-confidence, insecure, undeveloped skills, low social skills. I realized that I haven’t shown who I really am in the number of times I have interacted with a lot of people. I chose to stay on a surface-level personal. Though full of potential, I don’t want to stand out or make other people notice what I am capable of.

After some spiritual intervention, I decided to close that chapter of my life. I resigned. I found another opportunity but I wasn’t able to get it easily. There were a lot of hurdles that I had to encounter. And that’s how I will proceed to the second important isolation. That was last year from January-May. I felt like it was the continuation I had on year 2015. Last year, I was depressed and on the verge of losing hope. But that isolation helped me improve and learned a new level of wisdom and certainty.

Being isolated have always helped me reassess myself on who I’ve become after all these years. It is my self-meditation. It’s my season to reflect about my life. This isolation during pandemic is making me think if I was able to apply all the knowledge during this past year. The answer that I’ve gotten: a resounding NO.

Last year I was on a totally different work culture where everything was about fun. Because the nature of the job is hard, people are doing things for self-satisfaction. And those things weren’t really my thing. I decided upon myself not to get too attached to anyone or anything and just do the job and leave after I ended the contract. The human interaction was different from what I experienced on my previous job. On this one, people come and go. You might or might not see them again. And so I dreaded it. Also, I cannot connect to most of the people on a deeper level. I crave for social intimacy – one that is not just bound with superficial talks of gossiping, sex or relationship with whoever. It was suffocating to me. But in time, I learned to just break free from my walls and start letting people in slowly.

So what is the point of my rumblings? This is what I’ve learned so far on my self-assessment:

  1. We need wilderness in order to proceed in the promised land. Jesus went through on a 40 days and night fasting before he went out to perform miracles and proclaim the word of truth. The same with us, we needed to be alone, to meditate, what do we really aspire to be. Which leads me to the second one,
  2. Discover our core project. This is what I’ve learned in one of the Tedtalk I listened to. Whether we are an introvert or extrovert doesn’t really matter. We do not based our capability on the label we put into ourselves. It doesn’t mean that if we’re introvert we can not strive on an extroverted world. What is our core project? What is it that we’re really meant to do in our lives? Biblically speaking, what is our calling? Our mission? our purpose?
  3. My core project is to share my faith to other people. My faith was on an unpopular opinion side. It is good to hear about Jesus – his promises, what He can do in our lives. But proclaiming the gospel is more than about the prosperity here on Earth. Proclaiming the gospel includes scrutiny, judgment and anger from other people. Proclaiming the gospel means I have to die to my own desires, to take up the cross and follow Jesus.
  4. This fourth self-reflection is kind of not related to the first three. I am having thoughts about marriage. I am never interested about getting married. I am so used to being alone that I really don’t mind being alone forever. But this time it is making me really think of someone who could be a possible life partner. I won’t get into details too much as I don’t know when this feeling will last. I might just be feeling alone and these days I’m really craving for a deep and intimate conversation about my present thoughts.
  5. I would like to find a job in which i could use my talents. I like to host, sing and perform but I am not really confident about it. I lack experience and I feel like I have mediocre skills.
  6. In connection to no. 5, I would like to be more confident and bold about what I’m capable of. And I think I’m getting there. Two years ago I don’t have confidence at all but after working on a cruise line, somehow it made me believe that I am really good at my skills and would like to improve it.

I have so much to say but I think I’m going to stop here for now. I think that in spite of the pandemic, I am able to conquer the worries that comes with it and just be mentally strong. To be honest, if I let the worries get the best of me I would just be this depressing lady that I was a year ago. But I think this time it’s different. This time I want to get out of this isolation stronger and more mature as ever. I believe that my ongoing reflection isn’t the end yet. This is just the beginning. And I would gladly take what I can learn once more in order for me to walk through the path that I’m destined to be.

 

PS. unedited post

WoaM: De-Ci-Sion

I am as confused as ever.

Well, when did I not get confused? I am confused all the time. You can cut my chest, see my heart and find spirit of organism named Confusion – a group of cells that is slowly eating the organs of your heart until it becomes lifeless; then this Confusion will aim at your brain and start devouring it until you become a zombie. This organism, Confusion, will torture you but will not kill you yet. It will make sure that you are confused for the rest of your life. Oh, did I not mention? This Confusion leads to myriad of emotions – depression, anxiety, panic. It will consume your being that will cause you not to live your life to the fullest.

Worst case scenario: You won’t be able to move literally; it’s like you are in state of paralysis. Everything in your life will be pointless. One seeming move and your mind parades fear and doubt.

How to cure? MAKE A DECISION. It’s either you step out of fear and do what scares you or be in the state of confusion and doubt all the time until you just decided to kill yourself and die.

Wow. So easy to say, but so hard to do.

Mine, I could say, is a special case. I know why I am so confuse and I know how to cure it. But the problem is, a lot of thoughts are at the back of my mind. A souls of microorganisms are eating my decision to just embrace it all – including the bad and the good. Why do I say it’s special? Because mind is bind with divinity. I know we have different perception of who God is, and we are taught in different cultures and religions. In my case, whatever lens I looked at it, it’s always associated with God. My life is always connected with Him. I’ve experienced it – floating in a surging storm in the middle of the ocean, but is relaxed and calm because the presence of God inside of me is overflowing that it transcends peace and tranquility. But to be honest, there are things in your life you have to give up to continue this divine road. You have to give up your own desires and succumb to His. And so I realized that I just want a Savior, not a Master. Because being with God is living your life for His glory and detaching yourself from the riches of the world and focusing your mind in heavenly things.

I knew a lot of Christ-followers who had their life turned around in full circle, but still enjoying their lives to the fullest. While I knew some, who had overcome depression and is now living their lives to the fullest even without God.

I know I’m being a selfish bitch and you could assume now that If I die at this very moment, my soul will rotten in hell. I have a lukewarm faith and I am not qualified to be His daughter. My soul cannot be equipped to serve Him – that’s what I thought. I grew up in a Catholic household; I am the only Born Again-Christian. I already knew a lot of answers on what my purpose could be but is still having a tough time embracing it. I’m in a turmoil. I don’t want this life to be fully devoted to God but at the same time, I feel like this is my only way to be out of this destruction. Sometimes I just want to let go of what ifs and just stepped out of this faith and see where it leads me. I’ve always read about it, but when it’s happening to you it’s just really hard to decide whether to do it or not.

I ran away before; after three years, managed to get back on track, and now I want to run away again. I don’t want to sign up for this anymore. Why is my journey so hard? Why do I feel like everything that He has for me is the opposite of what I want?

They say only He knows what’s best for us; but why can’t I feel it? Why do I need to be test in fire every freaking time? Why do I have to be involved in this kind of divinity? Why can’t I be like other people who can managed to live their life even without Him?

What did I even got myself into?

Whether you are a Christ-follower or not, you are not an exemption in depression. You will always feel anxious. As long as we are in this world, we will be in endless trials.

Everything that I want I cannot get because it’s not meant for me. I feel so alone and useless. Whenever I will decide to let go of the inhibitions, it will all come back and melt the grand decision that I was about to do.

I’m fucking scared – of change and of responsibility.

I am not deserving and qualified to do what He calls me to do. Can I just live like the rest? Can I be out of the equation?

At this point in my life, I am at the lowest of lows. I am losing the energy to fight this battles. I am so tired of being tired; tired of being weary all the time.

I know the answers in my own misery but is terrified of doing so.

Decision.

De

ci

sion.

Help me.

Get me out of this jail.

Get. me. out.

Ending my week with a conclusion that I need to make a decision. But I feel like I am left with no choice. It’s either I trust Him and jump the cliff or forever stay at the edge not knowing what lies beneath.

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PS.  My entry is getting more personal every time I post. I hope no one knows me personally. /crosses fingers/