Wallow Wednesdays XI

I am constantly feeling this lump in my chest. The moment I wake up, whenever I’m trying my best to divert my attention to something else – the lump is always there. I wonder what’s inside this lump for it never goes away. Is it about the love? the crisis? the calling? Or is it about ALL of them?

I wonder why I still write. This is not even an obligation. I don’t even know if people will come across this site and curiously read all the entries in here. As of now, I don’t even know what to write. Well, it’s always been this way. I would try to type words and then will erase it.. then I’m gonna try to write another sentence.. then I’ll realize it’s not the correct grammar. Is the preposition right or wrong? Then I’m gonna erase it again. And since nothing was being formed, I’m just gonna leave it on draft and never come back.

But I still choose to write.. because it’s therapeutic; because it’s making the lump on my chest smaller. Writing makes me breathe. Writing makes me at ease. And so.. I will continue to write. Maybe I’m gonna pause for a while, but I will always come back.

I will always come back.

On to the entry

Everything’s the same ever since I went home. Nothing much changed, actually. I still think of him, I still think of what could happen, I still fear. One of the things that interest me are my old photos from university and former job. Funny how I try to visit my own profile and look at it because of the back of my mind HE might be stalking on my accounts too. Ha! INFP’s delusion is something else! But as I look at my photos, it ended up bringing back all those good memories and it makes me realize how far I’ve been in this life. I’ve met a lot of people, most of them I haven’t talked too the moment we parted ways. I remembered the laughter, the tears, the journey and the relationship. It wasn’t the place or the situation that made me nostalgic, it’s the people who were part of it. Every one I’ve come across with was so important on how I shaped my mind, on what my morals and principles are now and on why I became this way.

Is this the sign of aging? I was never sentimental. The last time I know I’m the type of person who leave the past with no regret. I’m the type of person who doesn’t care if I’ve lost contact with friends. It just goes to show that the last ten years of my life was so special, even if the people who were in it was not in my present now.

I’ve realized that we don’t leave the past just like that. We leave the past and bring the good and the bad that comes with it then we move forward. We continue life and what it taught us — the ones that hurt and the ones that brought us pleasure. It is part of who we are. It is part of what had become of us.

Infatuation

In order for me to not be confuse of the terms infatuation and love. Let’s define both.

According to google,

in·fat·u·a·tion /inˌfaCHəˈwāSH(ə)n/   noun
Why do I feel like I’m feeling both about you????

 

I still think of you. I still do. The intensity toned down a little bit but there is no doubt I still think of you. The disappointment wasn’t as hurtful as before but I still think of you. I still think about the memory of us, and it irks me a lot because I’m the kind of person who can easily leave the past behind with no reservations at all. Right now I am still a prisoner of that memory of us. I try to forget. I try to think of reasons why it’s never gonna work out or why things ended up this way between the both of us. I try to think of your bad traits and sometimes all of those thoughts are working. A part of the lump will magically disappear.. for a minute or two. Memory is a traitor. A part of our interactions will just pop up in my mind then suddenly all hope will gone up. I will start to think of scenarios of what might have been and will not happen in reality. When a Taylor Swift song starts to play, I will automatically start to think of all those memories. (Note: I don’t listen to Tay’s songs as of now. D*mn you! :D)

I come up with another plan – that is to accept. To accept that memories that became so special will be hard to erase just by having a mindset that I will start to forget you. To accept that what happened between the two of us will never escalate to something more; and that I should let time erase all those feelings I had for you until I wake up one day and all of it will be gone, there will be no lingering emotions anymore.

For now, what I do every time I think of you? I get a pen and a paper, let all of those emotions out and come back to what I was doing.

No more trying hard but no more wasting time thinking of what could have been or what if’s. It ended because it had to be.

INFP

Another thing that I am fascinated now is my Myer-Briggs personality. Before I’ve always wondered why I act or behave that way on crowd or uncomfortable scenarios. I hated myself for being too quiet or sometimes, a pushover to other people. I wondered why I chose to see the good in any situation despite of it being helpless. And I still have a whole lot of wonders of why I act and think this way. Finding out my Myer-Briggs personality and reading about it helped me understand myself better. I couldn’t put into words what my personality is but upon reading what an INFP is, I just couldn’t helped but agree to eveyrthing it described. I am definitely an INFP; and the more I read about it when it comes to relationships and dealing with life, the more I accept myself – flaws and all. I spend most of my time reading articles of how INFP act on different situations and once again, my mind will just shout “THAT IS TOTALLY ME”.

Let me tell you a bit of my personality (something that I personally noticed about myself):

I am very shy and reserved especially if I am in a big group. I don’t like being the center of attention and I don’t like talking in big group (best example: meetings at work (so uncomfortable for me!). The funny thing is that ever since I started my job, I was always working with a team and I am much, much more comfortable working alone. With that, I had to interact with them and talk to them. I am friendly but they only see my surface-level personality. I can come across as jolly and positive but deep inside I am always anxious and worried with the smallest things. As much as possible, I like to have good relationship with everyone because I don’t like conflict and confrontations. When it comes to making friends, I am a very good listener. It’s better for me to get to know the person first and if I see we have a lot of similar traits or if I get comfortable with you, I’ll start to open up about myself as well (which happens to a very few people). Sometimes I feel like my personality depends on who I’m with. I adapt myself on whoever I’m with.

It’s hard for me to trust someone easily. It takes years before I get comfortable with a person. I have a lot of friends throughout the years but I feel like only few of them knows the real me. Even my closest friends sometimes sees me as a mystery for I don’t open up or be that vulnerable easily. (So that explains my frustrations on the infatuation I felt and why it’s hard for me to forget.)

I can state more but this will be too long. In summary, INFP craves deep and meaningful conversations, we are good listeners and we don’t judge you for the choices you made. If we are talking about ourselves, our opinions, our problems, our principles to you, that means we trust you a lot.

Netflix and Books

In my quest to divert my attention to something else, I’m trying to watch some Netflix shows but whenever I start a series, I will eventually get tired of it. I watched Friends but not in the mood for the 2nd Season, Money Heist is the right show for me but also not in the mood to finish the first season. The list goes on and on with Altered Carbon, Breaking Bad, Your Lie in April (trying to avoid romance series, you know why :D) but I just can’t finish watching them. I am now watching Hospital Playlist (on to the 2nd episode) and I think I’m gonna stay and see how it goes. I tried watching movies but eventually got sick of choosing what to watch as well. I think my mind is not equipped for binge-watching just like the good old days. I don’t know what happened and why the sudden lost of interest.

I start to divert as well and read books. I like reading books but I realized that most of what I read, I actually forget. However, the feeling and healing that I’ve got upon reading it stays in me. For example, I will never forget how “The Graveyard Book” made me feel. I was going through a tough phase of my life, I was in a transition and that book just resonates in me. The journey of Bod made me realize that I am also in a journey and after being in that place for a long time – the place that shaped who you are, it’s time to move on and go with the next one – unto an unfamiliar place, without the people who was with you on your previous journey. It was time to face a new one, all on your own, with the hope that it’s gonna be better, and you’ll meet new people who will be there to help you.

Going back, I just can’t finish reading Quiet by Susan Cain. My mind wants to finish it, but I just can’t get the book and start reading it. I’m currently reading Becoming by Michelle Obama. I am off to a good start, actually but I don’t have the driving force to read it continuously.

I realized that as I grew older, my choice of books start to be different. Gone are the days when I chose Young Adult or Wattpad romance. I chose to read a book that refreshes my soul. Recently, books that made impact to me are Dear, Evan Hansen, The Subtle Art of not giving a F*ck and All Your Perfects.

I hope I get back all my focus and will just finish a book just like the good old times!

Wallowing

I think I know to myself that I’m running away again but I just don’t want to admit it. I would like to experience life. I always do. But sometimes I feel like fate has a different plan for me. Deep inside I knew I want to make a change. I want to create an impact to every person that I will encounter. I want to leave a mark. And maybe, if I write this, it will happen soon.

I will end this post with an excerpt of what I wrote a few years back. Before it was just a dream, and that dream grew inside of me. Now it is actually happening. I am at the first phase of what I wrote before. And I know dreams are placed inside our heart because it has something to do with the purpose we are manufactured to be while we are here in our temporary home.

 I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.

xoxo

PS. not edited, lots of grammatical errors

WoaM: Acceptance, Confusion and Pride

How does one gets past off the acceptance stage?

How does one not think about of what others will say?

I was supposed to write a new entry of this post on the next Sunday, but my mind and heart wants to explode all the words I can’t say just to anyone. And so I am writing a short entry just to blow off some steam in my system.

I am still in the grieving stage – a continuous long vacation of the unknown. Last time, I was left all alone in the house and the amount of grief and anxiety is taking its toll in my mental state. I found myself fuming of anger and agitated of everything that is going on with my present situation. Why do I have to go all through this? Why do I belong in the unlucky circle? And so, I just shouted (a shout that won’t be heard by the neighborhood) and screamed foul words; I was flaming mad of the situation, and of myself.

Afterwards, I felt a momentary peace. I guess the action helped me quite a bit and I felt brief healing. I somehow felt positive that everything’s going to be alright; that there will be good news at the end of the week.

True enough, I received back to back job interviews – one of those is from a tutor school just near our house. I sent an email from them half a month ago and from then on I relentlessly wait for their reply. I was hopeless until I received a text message from them inviting me for interview. You’d thought I’d feel happy about it but to be honest, I am not feeling any excitement. The other interview is from a company just near my former workplace. I am quite skeptical going there because it’s near my previous company and I don’t want to go back to a place that might make my inner wound deeply scarred.

Which actually leads me on what am I truly feeling right now. I feel confused, humiliated and an enormous amount of pride is sinking in my heart. I was about to accept the fact that there are things or dreams that are not meant for me; only if I haven’t found out some people knew the situation I am facing as of the moment. I am shocked, humiliated, ashamed leading me to feel dubious and stupefied. Now I’m back to not accept the fact that I’m bound to stay here; and that I cannot climb up the ladder yet – or worse, forever.

I’ve always been a secretive person – to strangers, acquaintances, best friends, or even to my own family. I don’t share struggles or good news. Sometimes – or most of the times, they will figured out all on their own what’s happening to me. Privacy is a big matter to me. I don’t simply share a piece of my life to someone else. And if I don’t share the good things, why would I even share the bad ones, right? That’s why I am mortified to find out that some people knew about my current situation. Overthinking started. Aside from them, who else knew of it? I did not even tell them yet how did they know? Now, I’m scared to see some of these people who probably knew, thinking to myself that they might ask me about it not because they’re concern but because they’re just curious. Yes, being in the dark makes me think bad about others. I can’t help it. I entrusted a secret, a big part of me, to a few people just to find out one of them carelessly shared it to others without my consent.

I admit that I am mad because I feel embarrassed. People kept on congratulating me before only to find out the misfortune that I’m going through. Now, I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to settle to a mediocre job because my pride is overflowing, and I just want to prove to the naysayers that I am not in the losing force.

I don’t want to attend to any interviews. I feel so confused; heck, I don’t even know what’s the right and best decision for my life. I thought that finally I will be able to pause this constant struggle but it just keeps on going on. I feel so degraded. I feel like a ludicrous fool.

I feel like I’m in this track that keeps on showing me another road. It’s a road that looks so bumpy and ridiculous but there is Someone who is ready to lead me. The problem with me is that, I cannot accept the fact that I have to go through that road; I cannot embrace that kind of life. I don’t want to be with those type of people because I found them really weird and freakish. I find it hard to accept all of it and I’m thinking that I’m better than that. I’m above them and I don’t want to be a part of that clique.

Wow. My rotten character is showing as I continue writing this blog. I am feeling like a trash again. It keeps on getting worse. This pride of mine keeps on getting worse too.

How do I held my head up high and see past through the judgment and pity of these people?

How do I throw away this pride and all the terrible attitude of my heart and to just submit to the holy authority?

Or should I just accept the fact that I’m born to just stay here – in the suburbs, and be stuck here all the days of my life.

Should I just keep on trying again? Or should I just stop believing?

This is my midweek – hardly accepting of my situation, pride that is consuming me, and an endless confusion of what if, what could have been and what should be.

Healing is never easy especially if it’s about to heal only to be wounded again because life keeps on saying you can never be healed, fucker.

 

 

 

Wallow Wednesdays VIII

If there is one object or channel I have always been honest with, it is in this blog. I never hid my struggles in here; in fact, writing here is slowly making my mind and body heal. I’ve been in a constant tussle of starting a brand new spectacle of this life, but there were days that it’s just really hard to get by. It’s hard for me to accept the fact that I’m fated to stay here — in an unknown place I can’t name as well, and not there — in a different unknown place with lots of grander possibilities.

Sometimes I would see these people, already achieved better things in life, and feel a surge of insecurity as they embarked their dream life — grandiose places, bigger world to unravel and a whole new different trials to overcome in relation to their dream. I also dream of same things; but how come it’s hard for me to get there? Is it because at the back of my mind I still yearn for instant gratification? Is it because the best that I am exerting is not enough to achieve all of it? But what if it’s already fate that’s saying you, “not yet”. If it’s not yet, then when will it be? As Ariel sang in Little Mermaid, “When’s it my turn? Wouldn’t I love? Love to explore that shore up above. Out of the sea, wish I could be, Part of Your World.”

It’s so easy to say to a devastated person the lines, “Maybe it’s not yet the right time” or “Better things are in store for you” but to be honest, it’s just rubbing salt to the wound, and I am guilty of those actions as well. I’ve always stay in silence when a person, even close to mine, is struggling so hard. And even though I don’t mention it to them, at the back of my mind having the “faith mentality” will solve all those pain. Truth be told, it won’t change the circumstances of the person. And now, people are telling me to just hold on; but it’s hard. It’s hard to believe especially if everything’s just chaos and oblivion.

How do you even save yourself from all sorts of pain? The feeling of waking up in the morning and suddenly feeling the sorrow and defeat make my days so unbearable. There will be moments of lingering hope but suddenly will shatter once I realize the state that I’m still in. And maybe, cynical thoughts will quash once I come out of this situation. The question is: will I come out alive?

Japanese Dramas

As I am in the state of depression, I continuously indulge myself with doramas of Kimura Takuya. God, I just can’t stop talking about this actor. I have no plans of watching Beautiful Life anymore as I know the ending but my crazy impulse just found myself skimming every episode until I reached the end last night. And knowing the ending, it did not sort of leave a heavy impact to me. I believe that if I haven’t known how it ends, I’ll be in cryfest for days, atop with my emotional disaster. I am still controlling myself to watch Good Luck and Hero because I feel like I don’t deserve to have a drama marathon considering how messed up my life is and rewarding myself of the time to binge watch these dramas is a sin. I don’t deserve to squeal over dramas right now until I figure out an escape to the mess I’m in. And so, as much as I want to, let me pause my Takuya’s drama marathon for now until I got my shit together. I hope I can do this, though.

I am telling myself over and over again that consuming most of my time watching dramas is not making my emotional turmoil heal. I feel like I just need to make my time productive, even though I don’t know how.

Korean Dramas

I am in my ongoing watch of Touch your Heart and Romance is a Bonus Book, though I still haven’t watch this week’s episodes of the latter. I can’t help but compare the former with What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim, mostly because it has the same director and probably the drama is also based on manhwa (not sure with it though). Still, the show is feel-good and both main actors have this natural and explosive chemistry that you just want them to be together. I don’t have problems with the plot. As shallow or cliche it seems to be, I don’t care. I just want a fluffy drama to cover black spots in my chest.

Romance is a Bonus Book, on the other hand, is also a fluffy drama starring the fluff and cute that is Lee Jong Suk. Gosh, any drama with Lee Jong Suk in it is hypnotizing me to continue watching Kdramas. I love the conversations and dialogues presented in every episode especially towards the ending scene. I love the supporting characters. I love that they’re showing the struggles of publishing a book especially in an era where almost everything is digital. I love how it shows the different struggles of every character. I have soft spot with characters that are not shown to be perfect and have-it-all life.  Though I just don’t have the interest of watching the latest episode and I don’t know why. Okay. okay. I have to admit, I’m still in a Kimura Takuya drama hangover. Teehee.

I also had an interest with The Light in Your Eyes especially in the first two episodes. I can relate with the characters and how depressing their lives are, until the fantasy elements happened. It would’ve been a better drama for me if there’s no time jump that happened and the show just presented the struggles of the two main characters when it comes to their dreams and life as a whole plus the romance between them. Nam Joo Hyuk is slaying his character whereas Han Ji Min’s rocking hers. I must say their chemistry is palpable and I would love to see their journey both as couple and individual. The turnout of the succeeding episodes is personally not working for me and to be honest, I just want a simple slice-of-life drama that reflects my struggles too; no time jump. No fantasy.

Books

I’ve come to a fact that I haven’t read for a long period of time. The last book I read was To all the Boys I’ve Loved Before Trilogy and right after that, Life happened thus straying myself away from good books. Now, I just want to read again, preferably self-help books just so I can input some positivity in this pessimistic cloud circling in my head. I downloaded epub such as The Power of Now, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, and Persuasion by Jane Austen to name a few. I hope my perspective will change as I read this books and that not only knowledge but also certainty fills my mind as I delve into this books.

Back to Reality

Aaahhhh.. The feeling of being alive but is wallowed by sorrow is both agonizing and tremendously scarring my system. Right now, I want to believe that greater things are in store for me and that I should start fresh. It’s still hard for me to accept the fact that I had to go through it the hard way and that time and luck is never in my side all this time.

I want to start afresh and live with no expectations. No more dreaming big. But at the other side of spectrum, I want to push myself to the limits. I want to try harder and live farther in spite of suicidal thoughts (this is not alarming so dont worry. Im not brave enough to kill myself. lol).

I hope this time the Law of Attraction applies to me and I just attract the finer things in life and blind my sight to see others’ achievements. We all have our struggles, with some having achieved their dreams in life but is continually surviving in a grueling world, while others still trying to find their place in the world. I am not yet in a total healing as I still have thoughts of envy and jealousy towards others who have their shit together. But someday, I hope I can change the course of my life, without Someone telling me to do this and that; because the holy betrayal penetrates so deep I don’t think it’s gonna heal in a short period of time.