WoaM: Acceptance, Confusion and Pride

How does one gets past off the acceptance stage?

How does one not think about of what others will say?

I was supposed to write a new entry of this post on the next Sunday, but my mind and heart wants to explode all the words I can’t say just to anyone. And so I am writing a short entry just to blow off some steam in my system.

I am still in the grieving stage – a continuous long vacation of the unknown. Last time, I was left all alone in the house and the amount of grief and anxiety is taking its toll in my mental state. I found myself fuming of anger and agitated of everything that is going on with my present situation. Why do I have to go all through this? Why do I belong in the unlucky circle? And so, I just shouted (a shout that won’t be heard by the neighborhood) and screamed foul words; I was flaming mad of the situation, and of myself.

Afterwards, I felt a momentary peace. I guess the action helped me quite a bit and I felt brief healing. I somehow felt positive that everything’s going to be alright; that there will be good news at the end of the week.

True enough, I received back to back job interviews – one of those is from a tutor school just near our house. I sent an email from them half a month ago and from then on I relentlessly wait for their reply. I was hopeless until I received a text message from them inviting me for interview. You’d thought I’d feel happy about it but to be honest, I am not feeling any excitement. The other interview is from a company just near my former workplace. I am quite skeptical going there because it’s near my previous company and I don’t want to go back to a place that might make my inner wound deeply scarred.

Which actually leads me on what am I truly feeling right now. I feel confused, humiliated and an enormous amount of pride is sinking in my heart. I was about to accept the fact that there are things or dreams that are not meant for me; only if I haven’t found out some people knew the situation I am facing as of the moment. I am shocked, humiliated, ashamed leading me to feel dubious and stupefied. Now I’m back to not accept the fact that I’m bound to stay here; and that I cannot climb up the ladder yet – or worse, forever.

I’ve always been a secretive person – to strangers, acquaintances, best friends, or even to my own family. I don’t share struggles or good news. Sometimes – or most of the times, they will figured out all on their own what’s happening to me. Privacy is a big matter to me. I don’t simply share a piece of my life to someone else. And if I don’t share the good things, why would I even share the bad ones, right? That’s why I am mortified to find out that some people knew about my current situation. Overthinking started. Aside from them, who else knew of it? I did not even tell them yet how did they know? Now, I’m scared to see some of these people who probably knew, thinking to myself that they might ask me about it not because they’re concern but because they’re just curious. Yes, being in the dark makes me think bad about others. I can’t help it. I entrusted a secret, a big part of me, to a few people just to find out one of them carelessly shared it to others without my consent.

I admit that I am mad because I feel embarrassed. People kept on congratulating me before only to find out the misfortune that I’m going through. Now, I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to settle to a mediocre job because my pride is overflowing, and I just want to prove to the naysayers that I am not in the losing force.

I don’t want to attend to any interviews. I feel so confused; heck, I don’t even know what’s the right and best decision for my life. I thought that finally I will be able to pause this constant struggle but it just keeps on going on. I feel so degraded. I feel like a ludicrous fool.

I feel like I’m in this track that keeps on showing me another road. It’s a road that looks so bumpy and ridiculous but there is Someone who is ready to lead me. The problem with me is that, I cannot accept the fact that I have to go through that road; I cannot embrace that kind of life. I don’t want to be with those type of people because I found them really weird and freakish. I find it hard to accept all of it and I’m thinking that I’m better than that. I’m above them and I don’t want to be a part of that clique.

Wow. My rotten character is showing as I continue writing this blog. I am feeling like a trash again. It keeps on getting worse. This pride of mine keeps on getting worse too.

How do I held my head up high and see past through the judgment and pity of these people?

How do I throw away this pride and all the terrible attitude of my heart and to just submit to the holy authority?

Or should I just accept the fact that I’m born to just stay here – in the suburbs, and be stuck here all the days of my life.

Should I just keep on trying again? Or should I just stop believing?

This is my midweek – hardly accepting of my situation, pride that is consuming me, and an endless confusion of what if, what could have been and what should be.

Healing is never easy especially if it’s about to heal only to be wounded again because life keeps on saying you can never be healed, fucker.

 

 

 

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Japanese Drama: Long Vacation

I was a bum for two months now and I am losing every ounce of hope I managed to muster for a time. And in rough times like this, I always drown myself in series that I can relate to; a series that will make me feel alive even for a short while. Guess what, I found it in a 23 year-old drama.

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I am actually remembering how I came across with this drama considering it’s a really old drama. It aired 1996 and Kimura Takuya’s youthfulness in here makes me even harder to resist.

Okay. I give up. I really can’t remember how I found out this drama. My initial impression upon watching the first episode is nostalgia. The resolution of the video itself will make you know that it’s an old drama. The scene started with a lady in a traditional japanese gown running on the streets of Japan, seemingly hurried, worried and pissed of for an unknown reason that is yet to be revealed. Later, we found out that she went to an apartment looking for her supposedly husband because their wedding is on that day and few minutes before the ceremony starts, her husband doesn’t arrive yet. What she saw is a different, confused man, not sure what was happening as he just woke up by a loud knock on the door. And this, my folks, is where the riot and blooming love starts.

Our main gal is Hayama Minami, a 31-year old woman who was left off by her fiance before their wedding ceremony starts. She is a model but after the incident, and because of her age as well, she is struggling to get new gigs as a model. She’s broke because she invest most of her money for the wedding and for her fiance. She decided to live in her fiance’s old apartment together with his roommate, Sena Hidetoshi.  Sena is a 24-year old piano instructor for kids who aims to won in a big piano competition. His life begins to changed when Minami started living in his apartment.

My most favorite scene in this drama is at the end of Episode 2, where Sena explains to Minami that they are in a long vacation which is also the title of this drama. He said that amidst the struggles they are in right now, better things are coming even if they won’t do anything. That they are in a long vacation and soon it will end; something new will arise.

WOW. Those words got sucked into my heart as if I am the one being comforted by Sena and not Minami. I am always engaged in a drama that speaks to the very depth of my soul and I feel like Long Vacation reflects the season of my life right now. I see myself in some parts of Minami or Sena or even in the supporting characters. Everyone is struggling; everyone wants to be in the light. Here’s the conversation of Sena and Minami in the ending scene of Episode 2, which resonates in me:

Sena: There’s no spotlight on the supporting role. The cameras don’t even go after the supporting role. What rigid rules.

Minami: The movie?

Sena: No, life.

Minami: When will it be my turn? What am I doing? I played panchiko all day.

Sena: Why don’t you think of it this way? It’s a long vacation. 

Minami: Long Vacation?

Sena: There’s no reason to rush. There are times where no matter what you do, it doesn’t work out. No matter what you do, it’s no good. At times like that, it may sound strange but.. Why don’t you think it’s a vacation from God? Don’t force yourself. Don’t rush. Don’t try hard. Just let everything to take is natural course. 

Minami: Then?

Sena:  Things will improve.

Minami: Really?

Sena: Probably…

Minami: Probably…

I felt the comfort and ease on a very personal level. I empathize with the characters, knowing the pain, worry and frustration that feels like a domino effect. The feeling that no matter how hard you try, nothing good is coming out of the situation. Maybe that’s why I can relate – because I am currently experiencing it right now. Somehow, this words of Sena gave me hope. It gave me an assurance that soon everything will fall in its proper place; and that I just have to believe that things will improve, no matter how blurry it seems in the present.

This is the series that mirrors mine; and I am happy I stumbled upon this drama.

Romance

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If we talk about their individual characters, both actors managed to make their roles come to life. Tomoko Yamaguchi as the badass, sassy lady Minami is a character I hoped I could be in the future. Sure, she has flaws but I saw growth in her throughout the course of the drama. She’s a strong, free-spirited woman but with emotional baggages too.

I liked how meek, cool and reserved Sena is which is also wonderfully portrayed by Kimura Takuya. You could say I am hypnotized by the “Kimutaku Charm”. I don’t usually watch jdramas but his charisma on-screen is really evident.

I like their rapport as a couple, and their chemistry both as their characters and actors sizzle on-screen. I like that even though this is an old drama, it’s not a statue kissing. Overall, I can’t say anything bad with their romance. Everything is fast-paced, there are no unnecessary scenes or heavy conflicts. They also have nice rapport with the supporting characters.

More than the romance, I am merely drawn with their journey while they are on long vacation. I feel sad when Sena decided to give up playing piano because nothing good is coming out of it. I also like it when he went back to his passion because there is one person who believes in him and wants to hear him playing piano. Of course, that person is Minami.

There are areas of this drama that might seem cliche already because we can see a lot of this used in romcom dramas. But to be honest, I don’t have problems with it. I still found this drama light, enjoyable and feel-good. Something you can watch whatever emotions you’re in – whether happy or lonely.

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I would highly recommend this jdorama. If you could see pass its oldness then you are in for a good ride. I am actually writing an entry about this drama because it’s been eating me up for days now. I am just so addicted. When I wake up, I would remember the characters. In my idle moments, I would see some scenes in my mind. Whenever I feel like this way in the dramas that I watched, I just have the need to write about it so I can release the love I have for the drama. And for me to go through my life as well, I have to let go and realized that I’m not living in their world. I have my own and I have to deal with it too. Wow, that’s a severe post-withdrawal symptom I got there.

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And so this is it. As hard as it may seem, Show, I have to let go of you now. You will always have a place in my heart. The impact you made in my drama-watching is so severe but in a good way. Someday, I would also like to experience seeing the end of this long vacation that I’m in right now. Yes, I am in a long vacation; and soon, everything will be alright. Everything will be good again.

Oh, did I also mentioned how La la la love song plays in my mind the entire time? 🙂

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Why

I have an old WordPress account which tackles more about spirituality and college experiences. It was doing good because I’m always updating blog posts full of inspirational words that I knew comes from my heart. It doesn’t have a lot of followers but knowing there are few people who got inspired with every post, it’s more than enough for me so I pushed through with it. Writing was an outlet I discovered way back college and I felt like I was good with it during that time. All the words left unsaid became an entry and it was always flooded with thoughts and emotions. Writing was a healing escape. Writing was a new found skill. Until life happens.

You know when the universe is trying to test your soul and character but because you’re still weak and fragile, you end up failing it. You failed every test and it became a snowball effect. Nothing good comes out of it afterwards. And probably that’s the thing that happened to me. I was so devastated and angry with life that I can’t manage to write wonderful words anymore. All I can think about was negativity and I felt like that was the end of me. It was a hard time. And every skill I acquired back then just vanished and escaped. That includes my capacity to write. To weave words and create an inspirational message out of it. I was lost. How can I write if I’m not in the zone? And so I stopped.

Then came a ray of sunlight again. Now I’m trying to rebuild everything that was lost. I’m trying to form a new me. Though still a bit lost and confused, I still need to survive this life and make the most out of it. Most of the time it still dawned on me how I was way back then. As I assess myself now, some traits never left. The character that I have learned through those years still remain that I don’t know if I should be happy or sad about it.

There are still hardships, of course. It’s just so vastly different. There were times that I’m still terrified of what might happen in the future but I’m just trying to erase it. I don’t want it to bother me at all. I don’t want it to be a hindrance of the life I’m slowly rebuilding. I don’t want it to have a negative effect on me.

I can say goodbye to the old me and say hello to a new life that lies ahead. It’s still full of uncertainty and I don’t know if I choose the right path. I want to know how it is to live in this kind of world. I want to know the flaws and beauty of it. I want to feel again.

And so I write. I write again. I wanna write again. To pour out these words. To flood this blog with happiness whenever a new episode of Kdrama comes out. To cry out words whenever I’m sad or worried. To bring out the fangirl inside of me. To share my ecstatic feeling whenever I see a different world that I used to know. To weave words again.

Maybe.. If I’ll write again. I can be healed. I can escape.