Wallow Wednesdays XI

I am constantly feeling this lump in my chest. The moment I wake up, whenever I’m trying my best to divert my attention to something else – the lump is always there. I wonder what’s inside this lump for it never goes away. Is it about the love? the crisis? the calling? Or is it about ALL of them?

I wonder why I still write. This is not even an obligation. I don’t even know if people will come across this site and curiously read all the entries in here. As of now, I don’t even know what to write. Well, it’s always been this way. I would try to type words and then will erase it.. then I’m gonna try to write another sentence.. then I’ll realize it’s not the correct grammar. Is the preposition right or wrong? Then I’m gonna erase it again. And since nothing was being formed, I’m just gonna leave it on draft and never come back.

But I still choose to write.. because it’s therapeutic; because it’s making the lump on my chest smaller. Writing makes me breathe. Writing makes me at ease. And so.. I will continue to write. Maybe I’m gonna pause for a while, but I will always come back.

I will always come back.

On to the entry

Everything’s the same ever since I went home. Nothing much changed, actually. I still think of him, I still think of what could happen, I still fear. One of the things that interest me are my old photos from university and former job. Funny how I try to visit my own profile and look at it because of the back of my mind HE might be stalking on my accounts too. Ha! INFP’s delusion is something else! But as I look at my photos, it ended up bringing back all those good memories and it makes me realize how far I’ve been in this life. I’ve met a lot of people, most of them I haven’t talked too the moment we parted ways. I remembered the laughter, the tears, the journey and the relationship. It wasn’t the place or the situation that made me nostalgic, it’s the people who were part of it. Every one I’ve come across with was so important on how I shaped my mind, on what my morals and principles are now and on why I became this way.

Is this the sign of aging? I was never sentimental. The last time I know I’m the type of person who leave the past with no regret. I’m the type of person who doesn’t care if I’ve lost contact with friends. It just goes to show that the last ten years of my life was so special, even if the people who were in it was not in my present now.

I’ve realized that we don’t leave the past just like that. We leave the past and bring the good and the bad that comes with it then we move forward. We continue life and what it taught us — the ones that hurt and the ones that brought us pleasure. It is part of who we are. It is part of what had become of us.

Infatuation

In order for me to not be confuse of the terms infatuation and love. Let’s define both.

According to google,

in·fat·u·a·tion /inˌfaCHəˈwāSH(ə)n/   noun
Why do I feel like I’m feeling both about you????

 

I still think of you. I still do. The intensity toned down a little bit but there is no doubt I still think of you. The disappointment wasn’t as hurtful as before but I still think of you. I still think about the memory of us, and it irks me a lot because I’m the kind of person who can easily leave the past behind with no reservations at all. Right now I am still a prisoner of that memory of us. I try to forget. I try to think of reasons why it’s never gonna work out or why things ended up this way between the both of us. I try to think of your bad traits and sometimes all of those thoughts are working. A part of the lump will magically disappear.. for a minute or two. Memory is a traitor. A part of our interactions will just pop up in my mind then suddenly all hope will gone up. I will start to think of scenarios of what might have been and will not happen in reality. When a Taylor Swift song starts to play, I will automatically start to think of all those memories. (Note: I don’t listen to Tay’s songs as of now. D*mn you! :D)

I come up with another plan – that is to accept. To accept that memories that became so special will be hard to erase just by having a mindset that I will start to forget you. To accept that what happened between the two of us will never escalate to something more; and that I should let time erase all those feelings I had for you until I wake up one day and all of it will be gone, there will be no lingering emotions anymore.

For now, what I do every time I think of you? I get a pen and a paper, let all of those emotions out and come back to what I was doing.

No more trying hard but no more wasting time thinking of what could have been or what if’s. It ended because it had to be.

INFP

Another thing that I am fascinated now is my Myer-Briggs personality. Before I’ve always wondered why I act or behave that way on crowd or uncomfortable scenarios. I hated myself for being too quiet or sometimes, a pushover to other people. I wondered why I chose to see the good in any situation despite of it being helpless. And I still have a whole lot of wonders of why I act and think this way. Finding out my Myer-Briggs personality and reading about it helped me understand myself better. I couldn’t put into words what my personality is but upon reading what an INFP is, I just couldn’t helped but agree to eveyrthing it described. I am definitely an INFP; and the more I read about it when it comes to relationships and dealing with life, the more I accept myself – flaws and all. I spend most of my time reading articles of how INFP act on different situations and once again, my mind will just shout “THAT IS TOTALLY ME”.

Let me tell you a bit of my personality (something that I personally noticed about myself):

I am very shy and reserved especially if I am in a big group. I don’t like being the center of attention and I don’t like talking in big group (best example: meetings at work (so uncomfortable for me!). The funny thing is that ever since I started my job, I was always working with a team and I am much, much more comfortable working alone. With that, I had to interact with them and talk to them. I am friendly but they only see my surface-level personality. I can come across as jolly and positive but deep inside I am always anxious and worried with the smallest things. As much as possible, I like to have good relationship with everyone because I don’t like conflict and confrontations. When it comes to making friends, I am a very good listener. It’s better for me to get to know the person first and if I see we have a lot of similar traits or if I get comfortable with you, I’ll start to open up about myself as well (which happens to a very few people). Sometimes I feel like my personality depends on who I’m with. I adapt myself on whoever I’m with.

It’s hard for me to trust someone easily. It takes years before I get comfortable with a person. I have a lot of friends throughout the years but I feel like only few of them knows the real me. Even my closest friends sometimes sees me as a mystery for I don’t open up or be that vulnerable easily. (So that explains my frustrations on the infatuation I felt and why it’s hard for me to forget.)

I can state more but this will be too long. In summary, INFP craves deep and meaningful conversations, we are good listeners and we don’t judge you for the choices you made. If we are talking about ourselves, our opinions, our problems, our principles to you, that means we trust you a lot.

Netflix and Books

In my quest to divert my attention to something else, I’m trying to watch some Netflix shows but whenever I start a series, I will eventually get tired of it. I watched Friends but not in the mood for the 2nd Season, Money Heist is the right show for me but also not in the mood to finish the first season. The list goes on and on with Altered Carbon, Breaking Bad, Your Lie in April (trying to avoid romance series, you know why :D) but I just can’t finish watching them. I am now watching Hospital Playlist (on to the 2nd episode) and I think I’m gonna stay and see how it goes. I tried watching movies but eventually got sick of choosing what to watch as well. I think my mind is not equipped for binge-watching just like the good old days. I don’t know what happened and why the sudden lost of interest.

I start to divert as well and read books. I like reading books but I realized that most of what I read, I actually forget. However, the feeling and healing that I’ve got upon reading it stays in me. For example, I will never forget how “The Graveyard Book” made me feel. I was going through a tough phase of my life, I was in a transition and that book just resonates in me. The journey of Bod made me realize that I am also in a journey and after being in that place for a long time – the place that shaped who you are, it’s time to move on and go with the next one – unto an unfamiliar place, without the people who was with you on your previous journey. It was time to face a new one, all on your own, with the hope that it’s gonna be better, and you’ll meet new people who will be there to help you.

Going back, I just can’t finish reading Quiet by Susan Cain. My mind wants to finish it, but I just can’t get the book and start reading it. I’m currently reading Becoming by Michelle Obama. I am off to a good start, actually but I don’t have the driving force to read it continuously.

I realized that as I grew older, my choice of books start to be different. Gone are the days when I chose Young Adult or Wattpad romance. I chose to read a book that refreshes my soul. Recently, books that made impact to me are Dear, Evan Hansen, The Subtle Art of not giving a F*ck and All Your Perfects.

I hope I get back all my focus and will just finish a book just like the good old times!

Wallowing

I think I know to myself that I’m running away again but I just don’t want to admit it. I would like to experience life. I always do. But sometimes I feel like fate has a different plan for me. Deep inside I knew I want to make a change. I want to create an impact to every person that I will encounter. I want to leave a mark. And maybe, if I write this, it will happen soon.

I will end this post with an excerpt of what I wrote a few years back. Before it was just a dream, and that dream grew inside of me. Now it is actually happening. I am at the first phase of what I wrote before. And I know dreams are placed inside our heart because it has something to do with the purpose we are manufactured to be while we are here in our temporary home.

 I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.

xoxo

PS. not edited, lots of grammatical errors

Japanese Drama: Long Vacation

I was a bum for two months now and I am losing every ounce of hope I managed to muster for a time. And in rough times like this, I always drown myself in series that I can relate to; a series that will make me feel alive even for a short while. Guess what, I found it in a 23 year-old drama.

Image result for long vacation

I am actually remembering how I came across with this drama considering it’s a really old drama. It aired 1996 and Kimura Takuya’s youthfulness in here makes me even harder to resist.

Okay. I give up. I really can’t remember how I found out this drama. My initial impression upon watching the first episode is nostalgia. The resolution of the video itself will make you know that it’s an old drama. The scene started with a lady in a traditional japanese gown running on the streets of Japan, seemingly hurried, worried and pissed of for an unknown reason that is yet to be revealed. Later, we found out that she went to an apartment looking for her supposedly husband because their wedding is on that day and few minutes before the ceremony starts, her husband doesn’t arrive yet. What she saw is a different, confused man, not sure what was happening as he just woke up by a loud knock on the door. And this, my folks, is where the riot and blooming love starts.

Our main gal is Hayama Minami, a 31-year old woman who was left off by her fiance before their wedding ceremony starts. She is a model but after the incident, and because of her age as well, she is struggling to get new gigs as a model. She’s broke because she invest most of her money for the wedding and for her fiance. She decided to live in her fiance’s old apartment together with his roommate, Sena Hidetoshi.  Sena is a 24-year old piano instructor for kids who aims to won in a big piano competition. His life begins to changed when Minami started living in his apartment.

My most favorite scene in this drama is at the end of Episode 2, where Sena explains to Minami that they are in a long vacation which is also the title of this drama. He said that amidst the struggles they are in right now, better things are coming even if they won’t do anything. That they are in a long vacation and soon it will end; something new will arise.

WOW. Those words got sucked into my heart as if I am the one being comforted by Sena and not Minami. I am always engaged in a drama that speaks to the very depth of my soul and I feel like Long Vacation reflects the season of my life right now. I see myself in some parts of Minami or Sena or even in the supporting characters. Everyone is struggling; everyone wants to be in the light. Here’s the conversation of Sena and Minami in the ending scene of Episode 2, which resonates in me:

Sena: There’s no spotlight on the supporting role. The cameras don’t even go after the supporting role. What rigid rules.

Minami: The movie?

Sena: No, life.

Minami: When will it be my turn? What am I doing? I played panchiko all day.

Sena: Why don’t you think of it this way? It’s a long vacation. 

Minami: Long Vacation?

Sena: There’s no reason to rush. There are times where no matter what you do, it doesn’t work out. No matter what you do, it’s no good. At times like that, it may sound strange but.. Why don’t you think it’s a vacation from God? Don’t force yourself. Don’t rush. Don’t try hard. Just let everything to take is natural course. 

Minami: Then?

Sena:  Things will improve.

Minami: Really?

Sena: Probably…

Minami: Probably…

I felt the comfort and ease on a very personal level. I empathize with the characters, knowing the pain, worry and frustration that feels like a domino effect. The feeling that no matter how hard you try, nothing good is coming out of the situation. Maybe that’s why I can relate – because I am currently experiencing it right now. Somehow, this words of Sena gave me hope. It gave me an assurance that soon everything will fall in its proper place; and that I just have to believe that things will improve, no matter how blurry it seems in the present.

This is the series that mirrors mine; and I am happy I stumbled upon this drama.

Romance

Image result for long vacation

If we talk about their individual characters, both actors managed to make their roles come to life. Tomoko Yamaguchi as the badass, sassy lady Minami is a character I hoped I could be in the future. Sure, she has flaws but I saw growth in her throughout the course of the drama. She’s a strong, free-spirited woman but with emotional baggages too.

I liked how meek, cool and reserved Sena is which is also wonderfully portrayed by Kimura Takuya. You could say I am hypnotized by the “Kimutaku Charm”. I don’t usually watch jdramas but his charisma on-screen is really evident.

I like their rapport as a couple, and their chemistry both as their characters and actors sizzle on-screen. I like that even though this is an old drama, it’s not a statue kissing. Overall, I can’t say anything bad with their romance. Everything is fast-paced, there are no unnecessary scenes or heavy conflicts. They also have nice rapport with the supporting characters.

More than the romance, I am merely drawn with their journey while they are on long vacation. I feel sad when Sena decided to give up playing piano because nothing good is coming out of it. I also like it when he went back to his passion because there is one person who believes in him and wants to hear him playing piano. Of course, that person is Minami.

There are areas of this drama that might seem cliche already because we can see a lot of this used in romcom dramas. But to be honest, I don’t have problems with it. I still found this drama light, enjoyable and feel-good. Something you can watch whatever emotions you’re in – whether happy or lonely.

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I would highly recommend this jdorama. If you could see pass its oldness then you are in for a good ride. I am actually writing an entry about this drama because it’s been eating me up for days now. I am just so addicted. When I wake up, I would remember the characters. In my idle moments, I would see some scenes in my mind. Whenever I feel like this way in the dramas that I watched, I just have the need to write about it so I can release the love I have for the drama. And for me to go through my life as well, I have to let go and realized that I’m not living in their world. I have my own and I have to deal with it too. Wow, that’s a severe post-withdrawal symptom I got there.

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And so this is it. As hard as it may seem, Show, I have to let go of you now. You will always have a place in my heart. The impact you made in my drama-watching is so severe but in a good way. Someday, I would also like to experience seeing the end of this long vacation that I’m in right now. Yes, I am in a long vacation; and soon, everything will be alright. Everything will be good again.

Oh, did I also mentioned how La la la love song plays in my mind the entire time? 🙂

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Wallow Wednesdays V

Here I am again, with a tinge of hope sparkling as new days lies ahead. I’ve been wanting to  experience life to the fullest because for the last years I kept on controlling myself to achieve new heights, to discover that there are things that is worth celebrating and achieving even thought the world is full of mess. I hope this sense of urgency to live and love life won’t die any soon, because whenever I have this great feeling I always end up being down and weary on the following weeks.

Come fast, November, because I am willing to try another cabin crew recruitment at this local airline. I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.

I realized that I don’t need anyone to be my friend. I don’t need the approval of everyone. Slowly I am on my way of not giving a fuck of what everyone thinks of me. I am a certified people-pleaser and I don’t want to form arguments and fights with anyone or everyone. I am almost there. Just few more steps and hurdles; a little bit of practice then and there. Surely, I’m gonna master it.

I feel like I’m into taking the ladder of making my career successful. Right now, I’m not into focusing myself on finding a lover unlike other people in my age. If there will be, then fine but if there’s none, then it’s better as well. I don’t wanna rely my happiness to anyone. I want to be a whole person and I’m not yet ready to give half of it to someone else.

Books

I seriously want to read a book right now. I’m eyeing to read The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman but I can’t buy a copy because I’m broke. It seems like I just want to read Neil Gaiman’s novels  for now. I have a huge respect to this writer. Though I have to admit, American Gods wasn’t the right Neil Gaiman book for me. Nevertheless, I still felt its heart and soul. I felt emotions. And that’s what I like whenever I read a book or even watch series. More than the actions and the gripping scenes, more than its cinematography (which is a big plus point, still), I am more attracted to the story and how it builds up towards the end. I love seeing different characters and discovering their similarities with mine. I love finding out that we have the same dilemma and I love how they conquer everything that conflict throws away.

For some reason, more than the travelling stuff, I want to be more incline with arts now like watching a film and a theater play. I’ve been looking for someone for so many years to just engage in a very meaningful conversation and just talked about our thoughts when it comes to those film and plays we’ve watched. I’m gonna be lucky if that person watch K-dramas as well. Haha! I want to have someone like girlfriday of Dramabeans and just talked about it over some drinks. More than the satisfaction and entertaining factor, I want to talk about the story, characters and even plot holes. I want to talk about what was really good and what went wrong, its upside and downside. I just badly want someone whom I can talk with when it comes to this stuff ‘coz I’m really a fan of these type of art and entertainment.

New Perspective

Let me discover the good things in life one step at a time. Let me discover its rotten and ugly side too. Let me feel. Let me be happy and angry and sad. Let me hope. Let it spark alive. Let me live.

Life: Change

There’s this unexplainable feeling in my chest that I can’t specify into words. All I know is that I want my life to change. I want to explore the world, to meet new people, to learn about life, to widen horizons. I want a total change in my life. A change of habit. A change of lifestyle. The problem is.. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know how to meet new people. It’s awkward for me to start a conversation with someone. I don’t know how to make friends with anyone. I’m not just a Miss Congeniality type of person. I’m used to having a small circle of friends. I don’t like large crowd especially if I’m not close to this crowd. There’s another problem.. How will I explore the world if I’m afraid to be alone? This one is kind of confusing. I want to be alone but the thought of travelling alone makes me like a scaredy cat. I just can’t.. And that’s a problem. I don’t know how.. I don’t know why I can’t do it.

I’m afraid to get out of my comfort zone. That is the main problem. I want change but I can’t even get out of my zone and risk. I always feel like I’m an independent woman when in reality I can’t even go to the dentist alone. You see what I mean? I feel like I don’t have the capacity to change my lifestyle if I won’t risk getting out of my shell, which I think, will really be hard. I know that I should do this on my own but I hope I have someone who will help me with all of this. I am just tired of being this kind of woman who can’t even go out and enjoy and just be laid back with life.

I just hope that before this year ends. I can start changing this life. I am really hoping for a new beginning. I hope that before 2017 starts, there will be a start of something new in my life. Something that I never knew will happen. Something that I never imagine before. Something new. Something grandiose. Something different.

When hope arises, that is the beginning right? Of something wonderful and extraordinary? I can’t wait to reach that part of my life.

Since no one will be cheering me, might as well cheer myself.

Cheers to me, who won’t kill the hope that someday, everything will fall into place.

Cheers to me, who’s craving for a life that is beautiful.

Cheers to me, who can’t wait but be amazed in the world that there is, or there will be.

Cheers to me, who’s been lurking around for four days, haven’t done something productive, but still hoping that someday a fantasy will turn into reality.

And even the hope is slowly dying, I will still lit it up and will stay positive that this life of mine will change.

For more adventures and beyond!