Wallow Wednesdays XI

I am constantly feeling this lump in my chest. The moment I wake up, whenever I’m trying my best to divert my attention to something else – the lump is always there. I wonder what’s inside this lump for it never goes away. Is it about the love? the crisis? the calling? Or is it about ALL of them?

I wonder why I still write. This is not even an obligation. I don’t even know if people will come across this site and curiously read all the entries in here. As of now, I don’t even know what to write. Well, it’s always been this way. I would try to type words and then will erase it.. then I’m gonna try to write another sentence.. then I’ll realize it’s not the correct grammar. Is the preposition right or wrong? Then I’m gonna erase it again. And since nothing was being formed, I’m just gonna leave it on draft and never come back.

But I still choose to write.. because it’s therapeutic; because it’s making the lump on my chest smaller. Writing makes me breathe. Writing makes me at ease. And so.. I will continue to write. Maybe I’m gonna pause for a while, but I will always come back.

I will always come back.

On to the entry

Everything’s the same ever since I went home. Nothing much changed, actually. I still think of him, I still think of what could happen, I still fear. One of the things that interest me are my old photos from university and former job. Funny how I try to visit my own profile and look at it because of the back of my mind HE might be stalking on my accounts too. Ha! INFP’s delusion is something else! But as I look at my photos, it ended up bringing back all those good memories and it makes me realize how far I’ve been in this life. I’ve met a lot of people, most of them I haven’t talked too the moment we parted ways. I remembered the laughter, the tears, the journey and the relationship. It wasn’t the place or the situation that made me nostalgic, it’s the people who were part of it. Every one I’ve come across with was so important on how I shaped my mind, on what my morals and principles are now and on why I became this way.

Is this the sign of aging? I was never sentimental. The last time I know I’m the type of person who leave the past with no regret. I’m the type of person who doesn’t care if I’ve lost contact with friends. It just goes to show that the last ten years of my life was so special, even if the people who were in it was not in my present now.

I’ve realized that we don’t leave the past just like that. We leave the past and bring the good and the bad that comes with it then we move forward. We continue life and what it taught us — the ones that hurt and the ones that brought us pleasure. It is part of who we are. It is part of what had become of us.

Infatuation

In order for me to not be confuse of the terms infatuation and love. Let’s define both.

According to google,

in·fat·u·a·tion /inˌfaCHəˈwāSH(ə)n/   noun
Why do I feel like I’m feeling both about you????

 

I still think of you. I still do. The intensity toned down a little bit but there is no doubt I still think of you. The disappointment wasn’t as hurtful as before but I still think of you. I still think about the memory of us, and it irks me a lot because I’m the kind of person who can easily leave the past behind with no reservations at all. Right now I am still a prisoner of that memory of us. I try to forget. I try to think of reasons why it’s never gonna work out or why things ended up this way between the both of us. I try to think of your bad traits and sometimes all of those thoughts are working. A part of the lump will magically disappear.. for a minute or two. Memory is a traitor. A part of our interactions will just pop up in my mind then suddenly all hope will gone up. I will start to think of scenarios of what might have been and will not happen in reality. When a Taylor Swift song starts to play, I will automatically start to think of all those memories. (Note: I don’t listen to Tay’s songs as of now. D*mn you! :D)

I come up with another plan – that is to accept. To accept that memories that became so special will be hard to erase just by having a mindset that I will start to forget you. To accept that what happened between the two of us will never escalate to something more; and that I should let time erase all those feelings I had for you until I wake up one day and all of it will be gone, there will be no lingering emotions anymore.

For now, what I do every time I think of you? I get a pen and a paper, let all of those emotions out and come back to what I was doing.

No more trying hard but no more wasting time thinking of what could have been or what if’s. It ended because it had to be.

INFP

Another thing that I am fascinated now is my Myer-Briggs personality. Before I’ve always wondered why I act or behave that way on crowd or uncomfortable scenarios. I hated myself for being too quiet or sometimes, a pushover to other people. I wondered why I chose to see the good in any situation despite of it being helpless. And I still have a whole lot of wonders of why I act and think this way. Finding out my Myer-Briggs personality and reading about it helped me understand myself better. I couldn’t put into words what my personality is but upon reading what an INFP is, I just couldn’t helped but agree to eveyrthing it described. I am definitely an INFP; and the more I read about it when it comes to relationships and dealing with life, the more I accept myself – flaws and all. I spend most of my time reading articles of how INFP act on different situations and once again, my mind will just shout “THAT IS TOTALLY ME”.

Let me tell you a bit of my personality (something that I personally noticed about myself):

I am very shy and reserved especially if I am in a big group. I don’t like being the center of attention and I don’t like talking in big group (best example: meetings at work (so uncomfortable for me!). The funny thing is that ever since I started my job, I was always working with a team and I am much, much more comfortable working alone. With that, I had to interact with them and talk to them. I am friendly but they only see my surface-level personality. I can come across as jolly and positive but deep inside I am always anxious and worried with the smallest things. As much as possible, I like to have good relationship with everyone because I don’t like conflict and confrontations. When it comes to making friends, I am a very good listener. It’s better for me to get to know the person first and if I see we have a lot of similar traits or if I get comfortable with you, I’ll start to open up about myself as well (which happens to a very few people). Sometimes I feel like my personality depends on who I’m with. I adapt myself on whoever I’m with.

It’s hard for me to trust someone easily. It takes years before I get comfortable with a person. I have a lot of friends throughout the years but I feel like only few of them knows the real me. Even my closest friends sometimes sees me as a mystery for I don’t open up or be that vulnerable easily. (So that explains my frustrations on the infatuation I felt and why it’s hard for me to forget.)

I can state more but this will be too long. In summary, INFP craves deep and meaningful conversations, we are good listeners and we don’t judge you for the choices you made. If we are talking about ourselves, our opinions, our problems, our principles to you, that means we trust you a lot.

Netflix and Books

In my quest to divert my attention to something else, I’m trying to watch some Netflix shows but whenever I start a series, I will eventually get tired of it. I watched Friends but not in the mood for the 2nd Season, Money Heist is the right show for me but also not in the mood to finish the first season. The list goes on and on with Altered Carbon, Breaking Bad, Your Lie in April (trying to avoid romance series, you know why :D) but I just can’t finish watching them. I am now watching Hospital Playlist (on to the 2nd episode) and I think I’m gonna stay and see how it goes. I tried watching movies but eventually got sick of choosing what to watch as well. I think my mind is not equipped for binge-watching just like the good old days. I don’t know what happened and why the sudden lost of interest.

I start to divert as well and read books. I like reading books but I realized that most of what I read, I actually forget. However, the feeling and healing that I’ve got upon reading it stays in me. For example, I will never forget how “The Graveyard Book” made me feel. I was going through a tough phase of my life, I was in a transition and that book just resonates in me. The journey of Bod made me realize that I am also in a journey and after being in that place for a long time – the place that shaped who you are, it’s time to move on and go with the next one – unto an unfamiliar place, without the people who was with you on your previous journey. It was time to face a new one, all on your own, with the hope that it’s gonna be better, and you’ll meet new people who will be there to help you.

Going back, I just can’t finish reading Quiet by Susan Cain. My mind wants to finish it, but I just can’t get the book and start reading it. I’m currently reading Becoming by Michelle Obama. I am off to a good start, actually but I don’t have the driving force to read it continuously.

I realized that as I grew older, my choice of books start to be different. Gone are the days when I chose Young Adult or Wattpad romance. I chose to read a book that refreshes my soul. Recently, books that made impact to me are Dear, Evan Hansen, The Subtle Art of not giving a F*ck and All Your Perfects.

I hope I get back all my focus and will just finish a book just like the good old times!

Wallowing

I think I know to myself that I’m running away again but I just don’t want to admit it. I would like to experience life. I always do. But sometimes I feel like fate has a different plan for me. Deep inside I knew I want to make a change. I want to create an impact to every person that I will encounter. I want to leave a mark. And maybe, if I write this, it will happen soon.

I will end this post with an excerpt of what I wrote a few years back. Before it was just a dream, and that dream grew inside of me. Now it is actually happening. I am at the first phase of what I wrote before. And I know dreams are placed inside our heart because it has something to do with the purpose we are manufactured to be while we are here in our temporary home.

 I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.

xoxo

PS. not edited, lots of grammatical errors

Wallow Wednesdays X

After a year

How do I even start? How do I even narrate a year of happenings in my life? I’ve been trying to control the whirlwind of emotions that is bound to happen inside my heart. I’ve been trying to tell my inner self that everything is alright, even though news and circumstances show otherwise. I’m in an inner battle. Funny how you triumph each war zone in your life only to realized there is a harder one that’s gonna come. I can now almost believe that Life might be a game, with a never ending levels, with lots of enemies to fight. The question is does it bother making through each level? Is there truly a great reward waiting for me at the end of it all?

How do I even begin? All I really want is to write all these emotions inside of me, which I always do. When the going gets rough, I release everything through constant typing of words and just releasing all this vibes outside my system.

Memories

Let me start by telling you a story. Once upon a time, there’s this heartless lady who believed that true love doesn’t exist, or loving someone includes heartaches and sacrifice, of compromising and understanding in which she promised won’t be her downfall. This lady believed that she doesn’t need anyone in her life. She’s used to being alone, and she will make it that way until she gets old. However, this lady has a secret. Deep within her, she wants to feel rainbows and butterflies. She wants someone who will make her feel important. She wants to meet someone who is brave enough to pursue her no matter how many times she rebuild the walls that others try to infiltrate.

Later on, she was in a place where the spirit of lust, longing and romance are everywhere. She knew she was in another battle. She tried her best not to let those spirits devour her principles nor be led by her emotions that will falsely made her feel beautiful and wanted. She stand strong, not letting anyone destroy the walls she constantly build throughout her life. Until someone came along..

It wasn’t even a decade, or a year, or a month. It only took a week for that spirit to crash all those walls she built. And it also took a week for that spirit to crash her heart hoping something more will happen, something more will escalate, that for once in her life, this might be worth the risk.

At first, she just wants to play along. Heck, she loved the feeling of someone making her feel special. But then a sudden news came that stopped her from diving into those foreign feelings. A news that is like warning her that if she proceeds, it’s like trampling on those principles she held all her life. And so she did what she knows best. She stopped. She backed off. SHE TRIED HER BEST TO STOP. But this sensations betrayed her. Little did she know, she was still in a trance.

Until fate did its job… She was taken away from that place. This wonderful nightmare needed to end. But what good does it did to her? She went back to her place still on a trance, still on a high, with the lingering hope that maybe there could be something more. Conscience and Selfishness started to argue but the former is still winning.

She was left alone, bringing her memories along with her, to the reality she was supposed to be in.

Present

Is it even possible to be attached in just a short period of time? I knew myself as a person who takes a while to give trust to someone. It takes time for me to feel comfortable being vulnerable to people. But with this one, I chose to trust and open my heart. I guess my discernment was wrong this time. I know soon time will do its work and one day I will wake up with no more lingering hope for something to happen. I know it’s gonna be sooner than I expected. For now, let me wallow on to these memories because this is all I have left with.

Isolation

With the global pandemic happening right now, I’m trying my best to stay as calm as possible. I don’t want to drown myself with anxiousness and uncertainty. But there are just those unguarded times where it creeps out. If I’m not thinking about the almost love, mind starts drifting to the possibility of the unknown. When is this all gonna end? Can I still go back to my former job? Is this the start of an apocalypse era? Why do I have to be living at this era? Just when I thought I’m starting my life that’s where a national crisis decides to slap your face saying “na-ah! you wish!”.

I am used to isolation. I can even stay in our house for three months without going outside. But this kind of isolation is different. Because in the former I CHOSE NOT TO go outside, with this one, I AM FORCED to stay inside for health purposes. And that’s a lot different.

After a Year

This is me after a year: still lost and uncertain, still in doubt and misery, still weak yet trying to be strong. Maybe I know the way out in this chess game of life I am in right now, I just choose to stay and be imprison by my misery.

Japanese Actor: Kimura Takuya

This is the first time I will write a blog entry dedicated solely to an actor. Even though I found out actors (mostly Hallyu stars) that is worthy of fangirling, it never gotten to the point I have to write their awesomeness and their brilliance as an actor. And so I wondered to myself, why and how did it got to this point when it comes to Kimura Takuya?

Yes, yes. I am super late with this KimuTaku syndrome. He is a Japanese icon and every drama he is in always received a massive high ratings in Japan. A few information about him:

Image result for kimura takuya present

Profile

  • Name: Takuya Kimura
  • Japanese: 木村拓哉 (きむら たくや)
  • Birthdate: November 13, 1972
  • Birthplace: Chiba CityChiba Prefecture, Japan
  • Height: 176.5 cm
  • Blood Type:O

Notes

  1. Former member of J-pop group “SMAP”

(source: asianwiki.com)

Holy wow! I am stanning a 46-year old ahjussi and I am liking it!! There is really something about in him that just stands out everytime I watched him in J-doramas. I’ve only seen him in three dramas and so far I was able to endure the drama experience in spite of it being old, in plot and in style, because he really exudes charisma that feels so good and giddy. I always search about him everyday about his latest news, his popularity in Japan, even his scandal or controversy. I would love to see more of him through variety shows but I can’t find a lot and if there is, there’s no english subtitle (poor me!).

Image result for kimura takuya

He really was at his peak in 90s and early 2000s, and I’m quite frustrated that I wasn’t able to witness him during those times. I’m just three years old when Long Vacation aired and the frenzy during 2000s in our country was a different Asian drama so I hardly know him back then.

I came across his name while searching for the Jdorama version of Hundred Million Stars Falling from the Sky because of its Korean remake. He is the leading man but since I don’t have interest in him yet, I did not even bother watching that drama.

Dramas

On as to why I got to know him, it is because of Long Vacation which I totally love and I also made a post about it! I love all the cast in that drama that I searched everyone’s name, their age and how they are now in the industry; but it is with Kimura Takuya I truly stayed. Maybe because he has a lot of popular and iconic dramas under his name and with the few blog entries and write-ups I read about him, every show is actually a delight and worthy of watching.

Don’t get me wrong though, because I’ve only watched him in three dramas so far but look where it got me now! I am so enthralled and I’m craving for more!! 😀

Image result for kimura takuya pride

Now, let me talk about him through the dramas that I’ve watched. Maybe I’m just being biased because I’ve only seen him in romance but he truly shone in that genre. And what fascinates me is that, his character is really fresh because I’m quite used with a leading man being either a chaebol, doctor or a prosecutor. In Long Vacation, he is a piano instructor (which upon my search, due to its popularity that time, most of the males actually took up piano because of that drama). In Pride, his 2nd drama that I watched, he is an ice hockey player. And in Love Generation, he is an ordinary salaryman.

Again, don’t get me wrong. I love Korean dramas and will always be. I am also aware that good K-dramas doesn’t always have a chaebol nor a lawyer leading man. I would just like to point out that Takuya-san has different characters, based on the dramas of him that I’ve watched, which is actually fresh in my eyes.

Image result for kimura takuya pride

I already talked about why I love Long Vacation. I also love him in Pride because he really owns his character, Halu. I also love the romance between him and Aki that my heart is leaping of joy because of their chemistry. Can I just mentioned the ending scene of episode 6!? That is one scorching heat and I love every detail of that scene! Too bad that the succeeding episodes was full of angst that I found myself fast forwarding just for the scenes of Halu and Aki. Next drama that I watched was Love Generation which aired a year after Long Vacation and reunited him with Takako Matsu, this time as his love interest. I so love Takako Matsu in here! Her character is very far from his character in Long Vacation. I am close to giving up watching this drama because I am not a fan of 1.) the leading lady falling in love first with the leading man, and 2) love triangle with the second lady running back with the leading man. Okay, enough of too much explanation. 😀 However, I still managed to finish the series, with lots of fast-forwarding because I just love to see Takuya on screen.

Image result for kimura takuya love generation

Okay, that was it. I LOVE WATCHING KIMURA TAKUYA on screen, especially in his younger years. THE MAN IS TRULY HANDSOME! His long hair and his expressive eyes, plus his different expressions of fascination, love and anguish in his character. Wow, he really looks good on screen and I am obviously enchanted.

He is the only Japanese actor that I can actually say, wow, he’s really handsome even before I got to watch his drama. I have this prejudice when it comes to Japanese actors wherein I opt not to watch the drama if I don’t find the actor handsome or if I don’t see him in a previous Jdorama.

I was able to watch those dramas because of Kimura Takuya even though it’s not of my interest and some conflicts, plots or character development was a meeh . He made these dramas full of impact in my part because of his presence and chemistry with the female lead.

I am also planning to watch more of his dramas but foolish me for accidentally reading the ending of Beautiful Life! I feel like watching that drama with me knowing how it ends will just make it less impactful. Then in Sora Kara, I also knew the major plot twist because of searching it in the past. I am interested to watch Hero because it had high ratings and his role is a prosecutor but I feel like at this point in my life I should not devote my time in watching Asian dramas all day (quoting Minami “What am I doing with my life? I played panchiko all day.” with me replacing it with, “What am I doing with my life? I am just watching Takuya Jdoramas all day.” LOL — this is, of course, a different and personal story already. :D), and also with the fact that I like watching Takuya in a romance drama. Some would say he always play the same characters but I actually disagree. I see Sena, Halu and Teppei as all different persons with different struggles and personality. I am actually curious now how much of his characters are based in his character in real life. Imagine, a popular actor playing as an ordinary man. That in itself is already considered as a wonder and amazing.

Fangirl heart solely for Takuya-san

Sometimes I am forgetting that he is not in his 20s or 30s anymore that everytime I am searching for his images, I can already see him aging (but in a good way) and feel so sad ‘coz I wasn’t able to be part of idolizing him in his peak (wait, I’ve mentioned this already. HAHA!)

I am not sure where this entry will lead me but I just really want to write the awesomeness and love with this actor. I hardly come across with an actor that will made me watch some of his dramas  and still want to see more of him, even just in variety shows.

Some blogs about him and his dramas are also a delight to read ‘coz even though it was in the past already I was able to know a glimpse of him during those time and the depth and height of his popularity.

I’m not sure on when this fangirl inside of me will last long but certainly, Kimura Takuya is now a part of my Asian drama memories as I grow old and one day decided to take a trip down the memory lane. The oldness of his dramas doesn’t diminish the fact that all of those were bearable to watch because of him.

Oh my, oh my. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!! I know this is slightly absurd but I hope to see him again in a romance drama, with a mature content and a character that match his age of course. It’s possible, right?!!

Image result for kimura takuya

His gaze in this picture, I AM MELTING!!!!

Image result for kimura takuya

EEEHHHHHHHHH… LOVE HIM!!!!! /hearts all over the air/

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Omo.. omo.. So adorable and hot!!!! Help!! I’m drowning with his charisma and sex appeal!! lol

Image result for kimura takuya

Still oozing with sex appeal in spite of age!

I would love to add more pictures but I really need to stop myself! All pictures are found in google and I give the credit to its rightful owners.

Now, please excuse me, I have to fangirl more of Kimura Takuya!!

Inner self: Baka! Go out and work!! 😀 😀 😀

 

Wallow Wednesdays II

I rarely cry.

I cry whenever I watch a relatable scene in a drama that I’m watching or if I am sso much immersed in a novel that I’m reading. But crying because of life issues? That is really rare to happen.

If life keeps on frustrating me, I just want to cry it all but unfortunately no tears were coming out. It’s hard for me to cry. I don’t cry easily.

Last night was one of those few moments wherein I just burst it all out and cry nonstop.

This week wasn’t a good week. Funny how I’ve shown positivity on my last week’s post but ended up getting disappointed and frustrated at myself, even at life.

First, I didn’t attend the cabin crew recruitment. Major reason was I’m just so lazy about going in the venue. I’m living in the countryside and I’m on a vacation from work but I’m just so tired to work on CV and outfits for the recruitment. In other words, I don’t have motivation. To be honest, I’m not sure if I still want this job badly. I feel like the only reason I wanted this is because I’m fit for this job, or I don’t have anything that I’m good at and my physical appearance fits the role of a cabin crew (as anyone will always tell me). So I taught, that maybe, this is the job that I can do. The problem is that I don’t have the motivation to go out there, let these recruiters scrutinize me from head to toe and decide if they’ll accept me or not. I want the easiest way to get the job. I don’t want to suffer anymore and accept rejections all the time. I’ve been trying for four times already and even in the first round, which is the physical test, I can’t even pass.

Yeah, yeah. The reason is because I don’t have confidence and I do not believe in myself. Maybe I have to badly want this first so that I’ll do anything just to get it. The funny thing was that, in my height of badly wanting to be a cabin crew, whenever I go to a recruitment, when I’m already standing in front of everyone, the confidence that I’ve mustered and collected just vanished in an instant.

I’m having second thoughts about this career. I’m just feeling demotivated especially with what’s haunting in my life right now. I am being haunted by the past. I just want to normally live this life and be like everyone else. Why do I have to be reminded by that stupid prophecy all the time? What’s even worse is that I’m letting it affect my whole system and just feeling like a scaredy cat!

Going back, now I’m planning to go to that airline company and have a walk-in interview because I’ve neglected going in their cabin crew recruitment twice. I even go on a vacation leave just for the recruitment but I’m always not going. But then, all are just plans; there’s no action and execution. I’ll plan to go and be hopeful but if that day comes every positive attitude is gone in an instant to the point that I won’t just go anymore.

Second, maybe this is just a hormonal issue and I might have my period on the following days. This is just a hunch but my emotions are becoming so magnify when I’m nearing that time of the month. So if I’m feeling agitated or frustrated or extremely sad, that’s my signal that I’ll be having my period already. I think this could be one of the reasons of this sudden change of mood ‘coz I am extremely hopeful and dreamy last week and now, it’s all gone.

Third, I’m having family issues that I can’t even (or I chose not to) let out in my system. I can’t/don’t even want to talk nor write about this. It’s a very sensitive topic and I just want to think that nothing serious is happening but I’m aware that it’s been going on for years now.

I’m depressed and I just don’t want to live anymore. I don’t want to die; I want to sleep forever. I want to be numb and I don’t want to have emotions. I even wish I have amnesia just so I can remove all these memories and start with a clean slate. I suddenly remember the premise of Circle. If removing memories will help cure people then be it. Now I want my memories to be remove minus the Human B having a copy of my memory! I don’t want to be in this pain and agony all my life.

This is how I am broken right now.

On to the good stuff….

After this I’ll be watching the last four episodes of Lookout. I just hope all will be well with our Lookout squad and just please let that bitch attorney’s son suffer. I loathe him the most out of all the villains. If he doesn’t have an ounce of resentment with what he’s done, he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. It’s the same with Seung Ro.

I’ll just watch the last two episodes of Suspicious Partner as well (I think it’ll end this week) and then I might hibernate in the world of K-dramas. I don’t know. This season I’ve watched a lot of ongoing dramas (four dramas are a lot for me) and I feel like I just need to take a break. I’ve lost my interest with Fight my Way and still not in the mood to watch the last four episodes. I’m gonna focus my time finishing American Gods (w/c I wasn’t even able to hold this whole week!) or watch/rewatch Ji Chang Wook’s dramas after his enlistment. My Wookie side of heart is slowly dying. 😭😭 He’ll be gone for two years! How will I handle that?!

BUT!

If there is a drama that piques my interest, then I might watch it. My competitive side doesn’t want to lose to those Kdrama watchers (esp the new ones) since K-dramas are quite a hit now and everyone watches and I don’t want to be left behind. I think that’s the reason why I watch almost all ongoing dramas right now. However, I’m not tailored for that kind of drama watching. From now on, I’ll go back to what I always do in watching Kdramas. I’ll watch what I think is good and enjoyable and stick to it; no need to force myself to watch a drama just because it’s popular and everyone’s raving about it.

Getting ready for this week

I’m still feeling hallow and tired about everything. I don’t even want to go to work tomorrow. Just thinking about it is making me feel dreadful. So I’m not gonna expect something positive to happen ‘coz the last time I did that nothing good happens. So I won’t be expectant and make every tomorrow surprise me of what’s gonna happen.

Hey, that’s a good mantra right now, isn’t it?