WoaM: Acceptance, Confusion and Pride

How does one gets past off the acceptance stage?

How does one not think about of what others will say?

I was supposed to write a new entry of this post on the next Sunday, but my mind and heart wants to explode all the words I can’t say just to anyone. And so I am writing a short entry just to blow off some steam in my system.

I am still in the grieving stage – a continuous long vacation of the unknown. Last time, I was left all alone in the house and the amount of grief and anxiety is taking its toll in my mental state. I found myself fuming of anger and agitated of everything that is going on with my present situation. Why do I have to go all through this? Why do I belong in the unlucky circle? And so, I just shouted (a shout that won’t be heard by the neighborhood) and screamed foul words; I was flaming mad of the situation, and of myself.

Afterwards, I felt a momentary peace. I guess the action helped me quite a bit and I felt brief healing. I somehow felt positive that everything’s going to be alright; that there will be good news at the end of the week.

True enough, I received back to back job interviews – one of those is from a tutor school just near our house. I sent an email from them half a month ago and from then on I relentlessly wait for their reply. I was hopeless until I received a text message from them inviting me for interview. You’d thought I’d feel happy about it but to be honest, I am not feeling any excitement. The other interview is from a company just near my former workplace. I am quite skeptical going there because it’s near my previous company and I don’t want to go back to a place that might make my inner wound deeply scarred.

Which actually leads me on what am I truly feeling right now. I feel confused, humiliated and an enormous amount of pride is sinking in my heart. I was about to accept the fact that there are things or dreams that are not meant for me; only if I haven’t found out some people knew the situation I am facing as of the moment. I am shocked, humiliated, ashamed leading me to feel dubious and stupefied. Now I’m back to not accept the fact that I’m bound to stay here; and that I cannot climb up the ladder yet – or worse, forever.

I’ve always been a secretive person – to strangers, acquaintances, best friends, or even to my own family. I don’t share struggles or good news. Sometimes – or most of the times, they will figured out all on their own what’s happening to me. Privacy is a big matter to me. I don’t simply share a piece of my life to someone else. And if I don’t share the good things, why would I even share the bad ones, right? That’s why I am mortified to find out that some people knew about my current situation. Overthinking started. Aside from them, who else knew of it? I did not even tell them yet how did they know? Now, I’m scared to see some of these people who probably knew, thinking to myself that they might ask me about it not because they’re concern but because they’re just curious. Yes, being in the dark makes me think bad about others. I can’t help it. I entrusted a secret, a big part of me, to a few people just to find out one of them carelessly shared it to others without my consent.

I admit that I am mad because I feel embarrassed. People kept on congratulating me before only to find out the misfortune that I’m going through. Now, I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to settle to a mediocre job because my pride is overflowing, and I just want to prove to the naysayers that I am not in the losing force.

I don’t want to attend to any interviews. I feel so confused; heck, I don’t even know what’s the right and best decision for my life. I thought that finally I will be able to pause this constant struggle but it just keeps on going on. I feel so degraded. I feel like a ludicrous fool.

I feel like I’m in this track that keeps on showing me another road. It’s a road that looks so bumpy and ridiculous but there is Someone who is ready to lead me. The problem with me is that, I cannot accept the fact that I have to go through that road; I cannot embrace that kind of life. I don’t want to be with those type of people because I found them really weird and freakish. I find it hard to accept all of it and I’m thinking that I’m better than that. I’m above them and I don’t want to be a part of that clique.

Wow. My rotten character is showing as I continue writing this blog. I am feeling like a trash again. It keeps on getting worse. This pride of mine keeps on getting worse too.

How do I held my head up high and see past through the judgment and pity of these people?

How do I throw away this pride and all the terrible attitude of my heart and to just submit to the holy authority?

Or should I just accept the fact that I’m born to just stay here – in the suburbs, and be stuck here all the days of my life.

Should I just keep on trying again? Or should I just stop believing?

This is my midweek – hardly accepting of my situation, pride that is consuming me, and an endless confusion of what if, what could have been and what should be.

Healing is never easy especially if it’s about to heal only to be wounded again because life keeps on saying you can never be healed, fucker.

 

 

 

Advertisements

Woes of a Mundane: Forlorn Hope

I’ve always been very personal when it comes to posting an entry in this blog. Even if I am talking about a certain drama or a book, there’s always a hint of what I’m going through or feeling at that certain moment because those kinds of entertainment struck and hit me right in my soul.

I am a self-proclaimed melancholic person; and this blog is helping me get through the painful episodes of my life. I always write about what I feel when mundane life is making me weary and gloomy. I also write a little bit of what’s happening everyday, just to let out some emotions that I can’t simply share to other people. Writing is my sanctuary, even if I’m just a mediocre in it.

It’s been going three months since I am spiraling downward into an abyss of despair and honestly, I feel like I cannot come out of this place any longer. I feel like I am trapped in this place and there’s no getting out. There’s no more chance of breaking the cage. I’m in the pit of a nightmare and nothing can ever take me out.

The light at the end of the tunnel that I’ve always believed in is taking me longer and longer to reach. This insurmountable suffering is just like a storm in the middle of the sea – wrathful and seething.

Few weeks ahead I’ll be reaching the grueling 25th year of my life in this mundane world. Wow, quarter life crisis is so real especially if you’re the one going through it. It’s a place of uncertainty, of dark thoughts, of never-ending misery.

So before I reach the quarter life, I would like to write about my weekly dose of insanity and monitor if this feeling will get better or worse once I reach THAT date. This is an extremely personal post because I just want to let my emotions overpower this entry and let the mind do the tapping, no holds barred.

And so, if you ever get to read this and know me personally, please do not shower me with pity or any judgment because just like you, I am also a human capable of feeling despondent musings. If we ever get to bump or see each other, act like you know nothing and let’s just laugh all day like this world is full of rainbows and butterflies. Or you can just simply offer me a beer and let the alcohol open the Pandora’s box inside of me and throw it all to you. Who would want an excess baggage with them anyway? So let’s just crush that thought, shall we?

If we don’t know each other personally, but stumbled into this crazy mess of a blog – often mix with tons of grammar errors and love for Asian dramas plus personal episodes of a gibberish life, please do not pity me as well. Or I hope in one way or another you can relate to this melancholic feeling and realize what a harsh world we live in.

I hate to admit this but I think and act like a loser; a crap who don’t know how to be responsible in every decision and action that led her to be miserable. But what can I do? All present situations feels like a slap in my face. There are no good opportunities; just pure failure one after another. How can I even let my wings spread wide if life keeps showing that you don’t have one?

How to be strong in a glut of struggles? How to think positively if everything is load of bull? How to end a suffering that’s been consuming your mind? How to remove thorns that keeps on piercing your heart?

How does one can be joyful in the midst of agony?

How does one can be vigorous in the midst of attack?

How does a life end and be reborn?

This is my Week One — full of raging and maddening thoughts about life, of how unfair it can be, and of forlorn attempt to escape.

Let’s see up to when this torment will last.