I’ve been itching to write my thoughts for quite some days now and reading all those past posts made me wonder how am I able to write all those words? I feel like I am just really good expressing myself in writing rather than in speaking for every time I read my thoughts through this blog, I get to know myself and understand my inner core. I guess at some point, even I can’t just really fully comprehend myself.
So what do I want to write specifically? To be honest, I’m not sure as well. I’m lost and in a daze and I just don’t what to do. It’s been two months since I came back home from the ship and up to now I didn’t really have any specific plans on what I should do next. I’m lost in my own trance and motivation is not within my reach. I have plans but I don’t know how to start. I have ideas but I can’t just force myself to do it all. Funny thing is, amidst all this crazy mess, I am actually in peace on where I am right now. It feels so new to me. Yes, there are things that are really troublesome and worrying and most of the time it crossed my mind. However, I’m in my dilly-dally stage which, after pondering, I think is both dangerous and safe. Safe because worrying really harms mental health but at the same time, dangerous because I’m not doing anything to change my circumstances.
I guess all this reason is because I am not fully connected to my inner core. And here I am again, back at wandering, doubting and running away. Ever since I started working on the ship, I slowly lost control of who I should be. I feel like throughout the months in that place I became superficial and conceited. Yes, I’ve gained a new-found confidence but I believe it was born out of wrong roots; a root that can get easily withered because it has to be sprinkled with false and shallow admiration from other people. It’s hard to make a step without me knowing it is driven by my inner core — the core that I trusted the most but keeps on neglecting every time I see something elegant on the outside but rotten on the inside.
I remembered this passage that I’ve come across a year ago. It’s about someone who was entrusted with everything and because of that he was put in the highest position to serve others. But because of being on that position, he became proud of himself, even got envious of others. He was reminded and warned of his dubious action but remained the same. As a result, everything he had was taken away from him because he did not acknowledge the source of his riches and power and he did not take care properly of what was given to him. I feel like it mirrors what is happening to me right now. I was a nobody but became somebody. I think I didn’t just notice it but I became proud of what I have at some point and forgot the real reason why I was given that blessing in the first place. It is probably the reason why the Giver had even use a pandemic to revoke what I have in order for me to come to my senses. But then, it was tougher than I thought it would be. A year, as fast as it may seem to be, changed me a lot. And I know nothing is impossible but coming back to who I was back then is just harder to do. I am standing on a rock in the middle of a vast ocean and just being there is comfortable for me not to jump of to see what’s beneath it.
Why am I going through this again? I guess I just never learn. I always have to be disciplined in the hardest way for me to go back to my inner core. Another thing I’m thinking about this past few days was how I neglected this people who’s been with me when I have nothing. I feel like I’ve abandoned them somewhere in between and crawling back to them when I am back at the beginning is just too shameless of me.
The question to myself is: what should I do now? How will I bounce back? Is this post even making sense? With all these disorder and chaos happening around us, is it even possible to go back? I feel like going back to the core is harder and harder with this isolation happening to everyone. I feel like it’s left with me making the decision to myself. Sometimes I feel like going back but distractions kept coming through. I am actually confuse right now. Is being at peace to myself a good or a bad thing?
Day 69 of isolation
Here I am back to the beginning.. being punished and discipline for being adamant and conceited.
Here I am lost and out of control.. wanting to be productive but ending up becoming hot or cold in making decisions.
Here I am numb and dumb.. going back to someone who I loathed and despised.
Here I am.. seeing all this chaos and knew that deadline is getting nearer but still have the audacity to choose myself over the savior.
Isolate /verb/ – cause (a person or a place) to be remain alone or apart from others
During this times, we often here the word isolation. The global pandemic Covid 19 causes the people to halt their everyday activities and just remain at home. On when this is going to end, no one knows. As a result, a lot of people resorted to different activities in order for them to make this time more productive and entertaining. And because people have more time to indulge in social media, there has been an increase of usage to popular social media apps such as Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and even Tiktok. This could also be a perfect time for them to finish those series on Netflix. Others are using this time to bond more with their families especially those parents who’ve always been at work and rarely at home. For singles, they are using this time for self-growth – learning a new language, baking, cooking and the likes. For some, they still have to work from home and meet the demands of their boss and company. I would also like to take this opportunity to salute our front liners who are bravely doing their duty to serve people; while other people are in the comfort of their own homes, these front liners willingly go to their respective workplace and be of service to those who are in need.
For introverts like me, isolation have always felt heaven. This is what helps us energize from all the socializing we did on that day or week. This has been a birth of the memes that I’ve read and how this isolation has always been the life of introverts and it’s not new to us. However, in spite of the jokes, even for some introverts, this could also serve as a challenge to face. At first, I had a rough time dealing with this isolation period. Fresh from my job in the cruise, I had to take time to release all the emotions that I’ve got on my last contract. I try to indulge myself with Netflix movies and series but I just lost interest as time goes by. I downloaded a lot of epub books but none of them have filled up the thirst that I’m feeling as of the moment. Until I went back to my interest on my Myer-Briggs personality. I’ve always been fascinated about MBTI and introversion topics for it helped me understand myself better. So I spend most of my time reading bunch of articles about INFP, introversion, strengthfinder. I started listening to podcast and some Tedtalks and to be honest, I think this interest of mind won’t die any soon. Because of my engrossment about this topic, I had some moments of epiphany and discovery about where I am right now in my life, what had happened in the past year, what have changed in me and how does some moments of isolation in the past helped me once I go out there and faced the world again.
Let’s start with the series of isolation in my life. From time to time, ever since young, I am always going through hermit mode. All of a sudden, I will just discard myself to my peers and stay at home doing either nonsensical or vice versa. But I will always remember the two important isolation in my life. One of which, was in 2015, right after I graduated from college. At first I told myself that I’m going to rest for a short while then will start to look for a job. But at some point, the pressure from inner circle is starting to take a toll on me. I have something in mind that I think I ought to do but people close to me are opposed to it. And so, those months of seclusion had turned me into being bitter and sour. I found a job after 6 months and told myself that this is going to be the start of a new chapter in my life.
I stayed on that job for three years and I will always have good memories about it. My favorite part will always be the friendship formed with a lot of people. However, I also discovered all the nasty attitudes I have – no self-confidence, insecure, undeveloped skills, low social skills. I realized that I haven’t shown who I really am in the number of times I have interacted with a lot of people. I chose to stay on a surface-level personal. Though full of potential, I don’t want to stand out or make other people notice what I am capable of.
After some spiritual intervention, I decided to close that chapter of my life. I resigned. I found another opportunity but I wasn’t able to get it easily. There were a lot of hurdles that I had to encounter. And that’s how I will proceed to the second important isolation. That was last year from January-May. I felt like it was the continuation I had on year 2015. Last year, I was depressed and on the verge of losing hope. But that isolation helped me improve and learned a new level of wisdom and certainty.
Being isolated have always helped me reassess myself on who I’ve become after all these years. It is my self-meditation. It’s my season to reflect about my life. This isolation during pandemic is making me think if I was able to apply all the knowledge during this past year. The answer that I’ve gotten: a resounding NO.
Last year I was on a totally different work culture where everything was about fun. Because the nature of the job is hard, people are doing things for self-satisfaction. And those things weren’t really my thing. I decided upon myself not to get too attached to anyone or anything and just do the job and leave after I ended the contract. The human interaction was different from what I experienced on my previous job. On this one, people come and go. You might or might not see them again. And so I dreaded it. Also, I cannot connect to most of the people on a deeper level. I crave for social intimacy – one that is not just bound with superficial talks of gossiping, sex or relationship with whoever. It was suffocating to me. But in time, I learned to just break free from my walls and start letting people in slowly.
So what is the point of my rumblings? This is what I’ve learned so far on my self-assessment:
- We need wilderness in order to proceed in the promised land. Jesus went through on a 40 days and night fasting before he went out to perform miracles and proclaim the word of truth. The same with us, we needed to be alone, to meditate, what do we really aspire to be. Which leads me to the second one,
- Discover our core project. This is what I’ve learned in one of the Tedtalk I listened to. Whether we are an introvert or extrovert doesn’t really matter. We do not based our capability on the label we put into ourselves. It doesn’t mean that if we’re introvert we can not strive on an extroverted world. What is our core project? What is it that we’re really meant to do in our lives? Biblically speaking, what is our calling? Our mission? our purpose?
- My core project is to share my faith to other people. My faith was on an unpopular opinion side. It is good to hear about Jesus – his promises, what He can do in our lives. But proclaiming the gospel is more than about the prosperity here on Earth. Proclaiming the gospel includes scrutiny, judgment and anger from other people. Proclaiming the gospel means I have to die to my own desires, to take up the cross and follow Jesus.
- This fourth self-reflection is kind of not related to the first three. I am having thoughts about marriage. I am never interested about getting married. I am so used to being alone that I really don’t mind being alone forever. But this time it is making me really think of someone who could be a possible life partner. I won’t get into details too much as I don’t know when this feeling will last. I might just be feeling alone and these days I’m really craving for a deep and intimate conversation about my present thoughts.
- I would like to find a job in which i could use my talents. I like to host, sing and perform but I am not really confident about it. I lack experience and I feel like I have mediocre skills.
- In connection to no. 5, I would like to be more confident and bold about what I’m capable of. And I think I’m getting there. Two years ago I don’t have confidence at all but after working on a cruise line, somehow it made me believe that I am really good at my skills and would like to improve it.
I have so much to say but I think I’m going to stop here for now. I think that in spite of the pandemic, I am able to conquer the worries that comes with it and just be mentally strong. To be honest, if I let the worries get the best of me I would just be this depressing lady that I was a year ago. But I think this time it’s different. This time I want to get out of this isolation stronger and more mature as ever. I believe that my ongoing reflection isn’t the end yet. This is just the beginning. And I would gladly take what I can learn once more in order for me to walk through the path that I’m destined to be.
PS. unedited post
How does one gets past off the acceptance stage?
How does one not think about of what others will say?
I was supposed to write a new entry of this post on the next Sunday, but my mind and heart wants to explode all the words I can’t say just to anyone. And so I am writing a short entry just to blow off some steam in my system.
I am still in the grieving stage – a continuous long vacation of the unknown. Last time, I was left all alone in the house and the amount of grief and anxiety is taking its toll in my mental state. I found myself fuming of anger and agitated of everything that is going on with my present situation. Why do I have to go all through this? Why do I belong in the unlucky circle? And so, I just shouted (a shout that won’t be heard by the neighborhood) and screamed foul words; I was flaming mad of the situation, and of myself.
Afterwards, I felt a momentary peace. I guess the action helped me quite a bit and I felt brief healing. I somehow felt positive that everything’s going to be alright; that there will be good news at the end of the week.
True enough, I received back to back job interviews – one of those is from a tutor school just near our house. I sent an email from them half a month ago and from then on I relentlessly wait for their reply. I was hopeless until I received a text message from them inviting me for interview. You’d thought I’d feel happy about it but to be honest, I am not feeling any excitement. The other interview is from a company just near my former workplace. I am quite skeptical going there because it’s near my previous company and I don’t want to go back to a place that might make my inner wound deeply scarred.
Which actually leads me on what am I truly feeling right now. I feel confused, humiliated and an enormous amount of pride is sinking in my heart. I was about to accept the fact that there are things or dreams that are not meant for me; only if I haven’t found out some people knew the situation I am facing as of the moment. I am shocked, humiliated, ashamed leading me to feel dubious and stupefied. Now I’m back to not accept the fact that I’m bound to stay here; and that I cannot climb up the ladder yet – or worse, forever.
I’ve always been a secretive person – to strangers, acquaintances, best friends, or even to my own family. I don’t share struggles or good news. Sometimes – or most of the times, they will figured out all on their own what’s happening to me. Privacy is a big matter to me. I don’t simply share a piece of my life to someone else. And if I don’t share the good things, why would I even share the bad ones, right? That’s why I am mortified to find out that some people knew about my current situation. Overthinking started. Aside from them, who else knew of it? I did not even tell them yet how did they know? Now, I’m scared to see some of these people who probably knew, thinking to myself that they might ask me about it not because they’re concern but because they’re just curious. Yes, being in the dark makes me think bad about others. I can’t help it. I entrusted a secret, a big part of me, to a few people just to find out one of them carelessly shared it to others without my consent.
I admit that I am mad because I feel embarrassed. People kept on congratulating me before only to find out the misfortune that I’m going through. Now, I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to settle to a mediocre job because my pride is overflowing, and I just want to prove to the naysayers that I am not in the losing force.
I don’t want to attend to any interviews. I feel so confused; heck, I don’t even know what’s the right and best decision for my life. I thought that finally I will be able to pause this constant struggle but it just keeps on going on. I feel so degraded. I feel like a ludicrous fool.
I feel like I’m in this track that keeps on showing me another road. It’s a road that looks so bumpy and ridiculous but there is Someone who is ready to lead me. The problem with me is that, I cannot accept the fact that I have to go through that road; I cannot embrace that kind of life. I don’t want to be with those type of people because I found them really weird and freakish. I find it hard to accept all of it and I’m thinking that I’m better than that. I’m above them and I don’t want to be a part of that clique.
Wow. My rotten character is showing as I continue writing this blog. I am feeling like a trash again. It keeps on getting worse. This pride of mine keeps on getting worse too.
How do I held my head up high and see past through the judgment and pity of these people?
How do I throw away this pride and all the terrible attitude of my heart and to just submit to the holy authority?
Or should I just accept the fact that I’m born to just stay here – in the suburbs, and be stuck here all the days of my life.
Should I just keep on trying again? Or should I just stop believing?
This is my midweek – hardly accepting of my situation, pride that is consuming me, and an endless confusion of what if, what could have been and what should be.
Healing is never easy especially if it’s about to heal only to be wounded again because life keeps on saying you can never be healed, fucker.
I’ve always been very personal when it comes to posting an entry in this blog. Even if I am talking about a certain drama or a book, there’s always a hint of what I’m going through or feeling at that certain moment because those kinds of entertainment struck and hit me right in my soul.
I am a self-proclaimed melancholic person; and this blog is helping me get through the painful episodes of my life. I always write about what I feel when mundane life is making me weary and gloomy. I also write a little bit of what’s happening everyday, just to let out some emotions that I can’t simply share to other people. Writing is my sanctuary, even if I’m just a mediocre in it.
It’s been going three months since I am spiraling downward into an abyss of despair and honestly, I feel like I cannot come out of this place any longer. I feel like I am trapped in this place and there’s no getting out. There’s no more chance of breaking the cage. I’m in the pit of a nightmare and nothing can ever take me out.
The light at the end of the tunnel that I’ve always believed in is taking me longer and longer to reach. This insurmountable suffering is just like a storm in the middle of the sea – wrathful and seething.
Few weeks ahead I’ll be reaching the grueling 25th year of my life in this mundane world. Wow, quarter life crisis is so real especially if you’re the one going through it. It’s a place of uncertainty, of dark thoughts, of never-ending misery.
So before I reach the quarter life, I would like to write about my weekly dose of insanity and monitor if this feeling will get better or worse once I reach THAT date. This is an extremely personal post because I just want to let my emotions overpower this entry and let the mind do the tapping, no holds barred.
And so, if you ever get to read this and know me personally, please do not shower me with pity or any judgment because just like you, I am also a human capable of feeling despondent musings. If we ever get to bump or see each other, act like you know nothing and let’s just laugh all day like this world is full of rainbows and butterflies. Or you can just simply offer me a beer and let the alcohol open the Pandora’s box inside of me and throw it all to you. Who would want an excess baggage with them anyway? So let’s just crush that thought, shall we?
If we don’t know each other personally, but stumbled into this crazy mess of a blog – often mix with tons of grammar errors and love for Asian dramas plus personal episodes of a gibberish life, please do not pity me as well. Or I hope in one way or another you can relate to this melancholic feeling and realize what a harsh world we live in.
I hate to admit this but I think and act like a loser; a crap who don’t know how to be responsible in every decision and action that led her to be miserable. But what can I do? All present situations feels like a slap in my face. There are no good opportunities; just pure failure one after another. How can I even let my wings spread wide if life keeps showing that you don’t have one?
How to be strong in a glut of struggles? How to think positively if everything is load of bull? How to end a suffering that’s been consuming your mind? How to remove thorns that keeps on piercing your heart?
How does one can be joyful in the midst of agony?
How does one can be vigorous in the midst of attack?
How does a life end and be reborn?
This is my Week One — full of raging and maddening thoughts about life, of how unfair it can be, and of forlorn attempt to escape.
Let’s see up to when this torment will last.