WoaM: Acceptance, Confusion and Pride

How does one gets past off the acceptance stage?

How does one not think about of what others will say?

I was supposed to write a new entry of this post on the next Sunday, but my mind and heart wants to explode all the words I can’t say just to anyone. And so I am writing a short entry just to blow off some steam in my system.

I am still in the grieving stage – a continuous long vacation of the unknown. Last time, I was left all alone in the house and the amount of grief and anxiety is taking its toll in my mental state. I found myself fuming of anger and agitated of everything that is going on with my present situation. Why do I have to go all through this? Why do I belong in the unlucky circle? And so, I just shouted (a shout that won’t be heard by the neighborhood) and screamed foul words; I was flaming mad of the situation, and of myself.

Afterwards, I felt a momentary peace. I guess the action helped me quite a bit and I felt brief healing. I somehow felt positive that everything’s going to be alright; that there will be good news at the end of the week.

True enough, I received back to back job interviews – one of those is from a tutor school just near our house. I sent an email from them half a month ago and from then on I relentlessly wait for their reply. I was hopeless until I received a text message from them inviting me for interview. You’d thought I’d feel happy about it but to be honest, I am not feeling any excitement. The other interview is from a company just near my former workplace. I am quite skeptical going there because it’s near my previous company and I don’t want to go back to a place that might make my inner wound deeply scarred.

Which actually leads me on what am I truly feeling right now. I feel confused, humiliated and an enormous amount of pride is sinking in my heart. I was about to accept the fact that there are things or dreams that are not meant for me; only if I haven’t found out some people knew the situation I am facing as of the moment. I am shocked, humiliated, ashamed leading me to feel dubious and stupefied. Now I’m back to not accept the fact that I’m bound to stay here; and that I cannot climb up the ladder yet – or worse, forever.

I’ve always been a secretive person – to strangers, acquaintances, best friends, or even to my own family. I don’t share struggles or good news. Sometimes – or most of the times, they will figured out all on their own what’s happening to me. Privacy is a big matter to me. I don’t simply share a piece of my life to someone else. And if I don’t share the good things, why would I even share the bad ones, right? That’s why I am mortified to find out that some people knew about my current situation. Overthinking started. Aside from them, who else knew of it? I did not even tell them yet how did they know? Now, I’m scared to see some of these people who probably knew, thinking to myself that they might ask me about it not because they’re concern but because they’re just curious. Yes, being in the dark makes me think bad about others. I can’t help it. I entrusted a secret, a big part of me, to a few people just to find out one of them carelessly shared it to others without my consent.

I admit that I am mad because I feel embarrassed. People kept on congratulating me before only to find out the misfortune that I’m going through. Now, I feel like I’m back to square one. I don’t want to settle to a mediocre job because my pride is overflowing, and I just want to prove to the naysayers that I am not in the losing force.

I don’t want to attend to any interviews. I feel so confused; heck, I don’t even know what’s the right and best decision for my life. I thought that finally I will be able to pause this constant struggle but it just keeps on going on. I feel so degraded. I feel like a ludicrous fool.

I feel like I’m in this track that keeps on showing me another road. It’s a road that looks so bumpy and ridiculous but there is Someone who is ready to lead me. The problem with me is that, I cannot accept the fact that I have to go through that road; I cannot embrace that kind of life. I don’t want to be with those type of people because I found them really weird and freakish. I find it hard to accept all of it and I’m thinking that I’m better than that. I’m above them and I don’t want to be a part of that clique.

Wow. My rotten character is showing as I continue writing this blog. I am feeling like a trash again. It keeps on getting worse. This pride of mine keeps on getting worse too.

How do I held my head up high and see past through the judgment and pity of these people?

How do I throw away this pride and all the terrible attitude of my heart and to just submit to the holy authority?

Or should I just accept the fact that I’m born to just stay here – in the suburbs, and be stuck here all the days of my life.

Should I just keep on trying again? Or should I just stop believing?

This is my midweek – hardly accepting of my situation, pride that is consuming me, and an endless confusion of what if, what could have been and what should be.

Healing is never easy especially if it’s about to heal only to be wounded again because life keeps on saying you can never be healed, fucker.

 

 

 

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Wallow Wednesdays IV

Hello October!

It had been a long time since the last post and a lot of realizations and never ending worries consumed me for the last two months I haven’t write. I opt not to update this blog because I’m not in the zone to write all the happenings of my life as of the moment.

A very close friend at work resigned because she’ll be pursuing her plans to live abroad with her boyfriend. I’m really happy for her because she’s really following and living up the course of her life. It’s just really sad because I’ve been so attached to her and a year and a half feels so short for us to get to know each other better. I can’t imagine not seeing her at work. She’s one of the few close friends I have and now she’s not there anymore. I’m seriously gonna miss her!

Since it’s her last day, we decided to have fun a little bit and so we went to this high-end bar near at work. It was so fun since it’s my first time going there. For some reason, I think a divine intervention happened last last night, which totally sucks. I got an allergic reaction that caused swollen eyes. I look like a shit and if not had been with the make up and dim lights, I look like someone who just got her eyes done. On the other note, it was my first time after five years that I got drunk again. I don’t know if that’s a good thing ‘coz I feel embarrassed the next day, to those people who saw me on that mess. It was good feeling drunk but the after-effects made me cringe just the thought of what I’ve done.

I decided to be more carefree as the year is approaching to its end. This 2017 is a shitty year for me. It did not bring me luck and fortune and it made me realize how my life is such a mess. Should I expect the same or the worse next year? Still, I’m expecting something good will happen this year. It will compensate all the bad things this year had given me. So please, please, can you just let it happen?? It’s written in the book, in  my fate. I know it will happen. It’s inevitable. So just please, give it to me. So that I could go back to my purpose.

Career-wise, I’m having a lot of thoughts to resign. I’ve been feeling this since the first quarter of the year. I feel like I’ve learned what I learned in that company and now I have to venture to a different company where I can really learn a lot with the field I want to grow. I just really need to get that dream job happen so I can leave the company for good. I’m not gaining anything anymore and I feel I’m under-appreciated. No one’s motivating me. Colleagues and leader don’t trust me. I don’t feel like pushing myself to the limits. I don’t want to do it anymore. But you know, I gotta make a living. So I should endure all these things.

I felt like people are really interested in me right now. It was just so petty ‘coz they’re like bystanders trying to watch my every move now. I don’t want to elaborate anymore but I’m very uncomfortable knowing that there are people who talks about me and my life. I feel like I’m being judged and being laughed at about this certain happening in my life.

Korean Dramas

Still on a drama slump but got to watch dramas one at a time. School 2017 was really fun to watch since it’s been a long time since I’ve watched a high school drama. Kim Sejeong is so adorable that I binge-watched Produce 101 where she was first discovered. I’m currently watching Age of Youth and Temperature of Love. I’m not sure what to expect with the latter but Seo Hyun Jin and Yang Se Jung’s chemistry is a delight to watch. Finally, I can binge-watch Rescue Me (have to schedule that) since it’s finish already. I can’t live-watch it because it’s too stressful for me and I don’t want to wait a week for the next two episodes to come out. That is TORTURE. I will also start watching While you were Sleeping. LEE JUNG SUK! I soooo miss you in dramaland! Eyeing Revolutionary of Love with Siwon as his comeback drama after army and Kang Sora, and This Life is our First with Lee Min Ki and Jung So Min. Wow, talking about drama slump. Hahaha!

Life 

It’s hard to live and the last two months were both haunting and life-defying as well. I want to live my life to the fullest. Enjoy life at its finest and slowly break some barriers and walls. I don’t know what lies ahead but I just wish that life will turn itself 360 degrees and surprise me that there’s more to life than what I’ve grown and accustomed to. So please, you better be good at me and show me that to live is a greatest gift to have. Because I’m seriously not appreciating life right now.

Wallow Wednesdays I

I started this day binge-watching episodes of Korean drama’s Lookout. I was still awake at 12am, in front of my laptop, feeling all sorts of emotions on what’s happening with the heroine and the gang. I just have to stopped around 3am because I really need to sleep. It’s dawn already and if I’ll continue, I might even see the sun rise.

Having still awake at midnight, I sorta did a salubong of Ji Chang Wook’s birthday. He’s 30 by now and set to enlist in the army after his ongoing drama, Suspicious Partner. He’s my oppa that I’m currently obssessed with; he’s even my wallpaper! I happened to watch some Running Man episodes yesterday with him as one of the guests, and, oh boy, he’s just so freaking adorkable! Park Bong Soo is real!

I woke up with the news that Song Joong Ki and Song Hye Kyo announced their marriage this October! I have to checked some sites to know if it’s legit, and it really is! There were speculations even before about them dating but I can’t believe it’s really true! Congratulations, SongSong couple! Now, I have this desire to rewatch Descendants of the Sun again!

Speaking of K-dramas, I just finished Circle: Two Worlds Connected last Monday (I also slept late because I have to finished it!) and it was superb! Too bad the drama is underrated. It doesn’t reach their expected ratings of 3%. Yeo Jin Gu is such a delight to watch! What a brilliant actor. And I’m also having a girl crush to the actress who portrayed Byul/Han Jung Yeon. Her acting delivery as Byul (alien) is just both creepy and lovely to watch. I love how the show did not left its core – love. It’s the driving force of everyone. The brother’s love for each other stays until the end of the episode. From the BETA project up to the Brave New World, they did not stop looking for each other because of love. They want Human B to end because they know that it’s better to keep the memories, even agonizing, than having no memories at all. I’m proud with Le Ho Soo’s redeeming moment. He just pissed me of big time during the former episodes. It’s good that he realizes his mistake at the end and help our team to find Woo-Jin. My favorite character is Lee Hyun Suk. If you read some former entry, I empathize characters like Hyun Suk. He’s will to live ended him to join the bad force. He’s too coward to leave Human B even though he knows it’s wrong. I feel you, bro. I feel you.

I’m dying to find some answers on who really Byul is and where she came from but they use that mystery as their ending to make viewers be more curious. Arrrggghhh, show. Why? Are you hinting a Season 2?

I think I have to stop talking about Circle by now. I shoulda make a separate post about it. Tee hee. But if you’re a lover of Kdramas, you have to watch this. It’s a rare gem in Kdramaland, I tell you!

Book

I’ve been dividing my little time binge-watching dramas and reading a new book, American Gods by Neil Gaiman. I’ve always feel like I’m in an adventure whenever I read Gaiman’s novels. I’m not yet in the mid-half of the novel but it’s slowly unraveling the mystery of the gods. I’m sort of knowing and understanding who’s Mr. Wednesday. I’m slowly falling in love with the book. I will always be amazed with Neil Gaiman’s writing style and the richness of his imaginations to come up with this kind of stories.

Other stuff

I’m financially unstable right now. It’s my fault for being this way. In my quest to enjoy this life, I’ve been indulging too much to expensive delight such as theater plays, which is such an expensive hobby. I have a lot of expenses lately but my salary is not cooperating. I realized that if you want to enjoy life greatly, you must have money! And a lots of it.

Work and Life

I’m having an utter delight with these korean kids at work. They’re four siblings – oppa, unni and an identical twin sisters. They’re all so adorable! I’ve been wanting to develop a relationship with these kids so whenever I got the chance I talk to them a lot. I find out that Twin A doesn’t want to go with unnie and Twin B. The way the story was told to me was just so kyeopta!

During the first quarter of the year, I’m dreading to go to work. That was the worst so far. I know I’m not that fond with work anymore but those months I was just really dragging my way to work. Add on the emotional turmoil of the events surrounding my life. However, things just went on 360 degrees. Work became my stress-reliever now. There’s still that lingering feeling of not going to work but once I’m there, I don’t feel the passing of time. I like talking to kids and knowing a little about them. Maybe part of the reason is I started liking the activities assigned to our team. Then there were the “korean kids” who are very cute and adorable. Work became a safe haven.

I’ll be trying another cabin crew recruitment this Saturday and I’m feeling nervous and lazy at the same time. I should give it a try. I let go of the opportunity last May that cause me to lurk around and be tired of everything. I never really know why I wanted this job so bad. Yeah, it was a promise. A part of the past. But it’s different now. I’m no longer the girl in the past. I’m a brand new person today yet I still want it. Well, not as much as before but I feel like I belong to that career. I feel like that job is for me. A lot of people are telling me that I look like a cabin crew and pushing me to try it but it’s not as easy as it seems. Being a cabin crew is like going through a needle. It’s not just about the looks but on how people see me. It’s about my personality. It’s about myself and how I interact with people. I realized that first impression lasts.

Having said that, I’m just glad that I am getting to know myself better. My flaws and all that. It’s just the middle of the year but 2017 is proving me that this is not my best year. There were lots of things that happened, personal and national. I’m just scared of everything. I’m scared of the future, of the decisions I chose. Sometimes this is the reason why I’m tired to live this life dilligently. Hope will fire up only for it to die down once I remember those dreading events. What’s the use of living the life if it will only lead to destruction? What’s the use of dreaming if it will only end?

I hope that there will be good news at the end of the week. I hope to live even if it’s hard. I hope to dream even if there’s still no light at the end of the tunnel. I hope to pursue grander things in life. I hope to find a different purpose. I hope. Hope. Even it’s just merely a word, but the intensity of the meaning, will always lead me to survive eagerly. ‘Coz this is what Life is all about. You pass through the calm waves only to find a storm. And once the storm is over, you rest in the serenity of the waves only for it to get bigger again until you meet another raging storm. Yes, life is a cycle. It’s a never-ending journey through the unknown.

And while I’m in it, might as well fight the raging storm and indulge through the calm waves. As the song say, let’s just dance through life.

 

PS. I have a lot of errands to do but I’m just so tired to get up. Geez. This laziness is consuming me.