It was ,surprisingly, a fruitful week. I started the week with the training and thank god it’s over. I dreaded those three days (including the day I had to rent a room just so I can make it to the 4am call time the next day) of training. I even have to jump over that height for three times. I’m happy that I was able to surpass it but I opt not to do it again. I guess, I’ll have to do it in the next five years ‘coz jumping in that height is such a struggle for me. The highlight of my week is when I finally got to see Hamilton musical live. (YEES!!!!) I’m just disappointed of how far our seats were that I can barely see the faces and expressions of the actors. But I’m lucky enough that it was Rachelle Ann Go who performed as Eliza and I got to see her perform in her theater actress era. I love her and I love how light and positive her aura is. She is the kind of Christian woman I wanted to be. Just a woman full of faith, and that all she is getting is one answered prayer after another (tho I’m sure she has her fair share of struggles too). I love her life story — her positive aura, her story of success.
And then after those four days I became a bum again. I told myself I need some relaxation which I think got too much since I stopped doing yoga. But today, I finally got myself in the mat and now I can say I’m back on track. I’m proud of myself for showing up!
I rewatched Full House, a classic Kdrama hit that pioneered the romcom genre. And oh boy, I just love old classics. I mean, there are lots of things to judge, one of those are the characterizations, the conflicts, the flow of the story, but at the heart of it is the oozing and wholesome chemistry of the main couple. That it doesn’t need a kiss scene or too much skinship to evoke heart-fluttering scenes. Their bickering is a joy to watch and the subtle concerns with each other makes my heart skip a beat. And what’s more fun in rewatching Shows like this is that you just have to fast-forward to the scenes that you like and avoid those nonsensical conflicts just to prolong the show and you still understand how the story flows.. just because you’ve already rewatched a hundred times. I also started the first episode of Castaway Diva, and oh boy, what a heavy first episode it is! And I’m still not sure what to feel about the fact that writer or director is keeping who the main male lead will be probably because they’re gonna try to milk the love triangle again (just like what they did in Start Up) but this time trying to make things right just so the fanwars won’t be too much to the point that the other male actor will overshadow the “supposedly” male actor lead (and yes, this preference is from Start Up).
I’m not sure what to add anymore. I guess just the fact that I’m still getting anxiety or that this vacation reminds me of the past two years ago. The monsters of my past keep on haunting me and now I felt like this heaviness in my chest won’t go away. I guess this is how I’m gonna live this life — forever anxious, of anything that I could think of. My mind will always find something that will make me feel anxious. This mind won’t let me be at peace. I will always be bombarded with insecurities, fear and doubt. In return, it’s hard to live life. It’s hard to be at ease. But what can I do? I guess this runs in the blood. Both my parents are worrier and anxious. Maybe it’s a generational thing. Which is why I’m fascinated to meet people who are the opposite me, who sees life through rose-colored lens. These people who has simple dreams in life and is hardworking enough to make those dreams into reality. While I’m here, sluggish, passive and just living life day by day. They say I’m smart. But I’m just book smart. I just feel too much. I’m a person who tries to analyze things but is not the one to execute it. I’m still thankful where life is leading me.
I’m slowly in my quest of accepting myself. But I guess it’s gonna be a life-long process. I wonder if I already changed, which I think I am. I feel like I’m not the same person that I was years ago. How melancholic is it that I haven’t said goodbye to those versions of mine that is not there anymore. Or do I really changed? Or deep within is still the immature, indecisive me? How funny is it that even though I’ve went to different places I still am going back to the same place of anxiety and fear. I guess I need to relocate now. I need to live life somewhere else, not going back to my hometown. I need to go to a different place where memories of my past won’t haunt me down. I feel like my previous bad energy is lurking in this house that whenever I stay here, it consumes my system. I feel like if I’m here I will always go back to square one. And I don’t want that to happen anymore. I don’t wanna go back to that side of me that feels like a loser or inconsequential. I wanted change, a plot twist in this season of my life that I’m in. I want to move somewhere else. I want a different place which I can consider home. Universe, can you make that happen please? Higher being, can you make that happen please? God, can you make that happen please? Remove the roadblocks along the way. Remove the roadblocks that is in me that which is preventing me to reach my full potential, or to be in the place which I ought to be. Relocating to a different country? Bring it on! I hope to live in a different country. That has always been a dream of mine. To live and grow old in a place that is not the house in which I grew up. Let me live a different kind of life now. Let me go somewhere else that I can consider as home. This is a new dream of mine. To live somewhere else, to have a job that sustains my lifestyle, to go somewhere else away from the struggles of commuting (commuting is hell in Manila), somewhere safe and peaceful. (Maybe Canada or New Zealand?) Let me still work in the ship to fund this dream of mine and let me go somewhere else now. To start a brand new chapter of my life. This… is a new dream of mine. Let my wings fly. Let me be a full-grown butterfly.