Soulful Sundays II

It was ,surprisingly, a fruitful week. I started the week with the training and thank god it’s over. I dreaded those three days (including the day I had to rent a room just so I can make it to the 4am call time the next day) of training. I even have to jump over that height for three times. I’m happy that I was able to surpass it but I opt not to do it again. I guess, I’ll have to do it in the next five years ‘coz jumping in that height is such a struggle for me. The highlight of my week is when I finally got to see Hamilton musical live. (YEES!!!!) I’m just disappointed of how far our seats were that I can barely see the faces and expressions of the actors. But I’m lucky enough that it was Rachelle Ann Go who performed as Eliza and I got to see her perform in her theater actress era. I love her and I love how light and positive her aura is. She is the kind of Christian woman I wanted to be. Just a woman full of faith, and that all she is getting is one answered prayer after another (tho I’m sure she has her fair share of struggles too). I love her life story — her positive aura, her story of success.

And then after those four days I became a bum again. I told myself I need some relaxation which I think got too much since I stopped doing yoga. But today, I finally got myself in the mat and now I can say I’m back on track. I’m proud of myself for showing up!

I rewatched Full House, a classic Kdrama hit that pioneered the romcom genre. And oh boy, I just love old classics. I mean, there are lots of things to judge, one of those are the characterizations, the conflicts, the flow of the story, but at the heart of it is the oozing and wholesome chemistry of the main couple. That it doesn’t need a kiss scene or too much skinship to evoke heart-fluttering scenes. Their bickering is a joy to watch and the subtle concerns with each other makes my heart skip a beat. And what’s more fun in rewatching Shows like this is that you just have to fast-forward to the scenes that you like and avoid those nonsensical conflicts just to prolong the show and you still understand how the story flows.. just because you’ve already rewatched a hundred times. I also started the first episode of Castaway Diva, and oh boy, what a heavy first episode it is! And I’m still not sure what to feel about the fact that writer or director is keeping who the main male lead will be probably because they’re gonna try to milk the love triangle again (just like what they did in Start Up) but this time trying to make things right just so the fanwars won’t be too much to the point that the other male actor will overshadow the “supposedly” male actor lead (and yes, this preference is from Start Up).

I’m not sure what to add anymore. I guess just the fact that I’m still getting anxiety or that this vacation reminds me of the past two years ago. The monsters of my past keep on haunting me and now I felt like this heaviness in my chest won’t go away. I guess this is how I’m gonna live this life — forever anxious, of anything that I could think of. My mind will always find something that will make me feel anxious. This mind won’t let me be at peace. I will always be bombarded with insecurities, fear and doubt. In return, it’s hard to live life. It’s hard to be at ease. But what can I do? I guess this runs in the blood. Both my parents are worrier and anxious. Maybe it’s a generational thing. Which is why I’m fascinated to meet people who are the opposite me, who sees life through rose-colored lens. These people who has simple dreams in life and is hardworking enough to make those dreams into reality. While I’m here, sluggish, passive and just living life day by day. They say I’m smart. But I’m just book smart. I just feel too much. I’m a person who tries to analyze things but is not the one to execute it. I’m still thankful where life is leading me.

I’m slowly in my quest of accepting myself. But I guess it’s gonna be a life-long process. I wonder if I already changed, which I think I am. I feel like I’m not the same person that I was years ago. How melancholic is it that I haven’t said goodbye to those versions of mine that is not there anymore. Or do I really changed? Or deep within is still the immature, indecisive me? How funny is it that even though I’ve went to different places I still am going back to the same place of anxiety and fear. I guess I need to relocate now. I need to live life somewhere else, not going back to my hometown. I need to go to a different place where memories of my past won’t haunt me down. I feel like my previous bad energy is lurking in this house that whenever I stay here, it consumes my system. I feel like if I’m here I will always go back to square one. And I don’t want that to happen anymore. I don’t wanna go back to that side of me that feels like a loser or inconsequential. I wanted change, a plot twist in this season of my life that I’m in. I want to move somewhere else. I want a different place which I can consider home. Universe, can you make that happen please? Higher being, can you make that happen please? God, can you make that happen please? Remove the roadblocks along the way. Remove the roadblocks that is in me that which is preventing me to reach my full potential, or to be in the place which I ought to be. Relocating to a different country? Bring it on! I hope to live in a different country. That has always been a dream of mine. To live and grow old in a place that is not the house in which I grew up. Let me live a different kind of life now. Let me go somewhere else that I can consider as home. This is a new dream of mine. To live somewhere else, to have a job that sustains my lifestyle, to go somewhere else away from the struggles of commuting (commuting is hell in Manila), somewhere safe and peaceful. (Maybe Canada or New Zealand?) Let me still work in the ship to fund this dream of mine and let me go somewhere else now. To start a brand new chapter of my life. This… is a new dream of mine. Let my wings fly. Let me be a full-grown butterfly.

Soulful Sundays I

The date is October 22, 2023. It’s 3:03 in the afternoon. My anxiety is slowly eating up my system once again. Six months from now and I’m gonna exit this twentysomething life of mine. As someone who’s always been in tune with my emotions (especially the negative ones), I am fascinated whenever I see old entries of mine that I wrote, particularly those that are written during the height of my emotions — my insecurities, doubts, aspirations about life. I stumbled upon this website where I wrote fragments of my life. This blog is a big part of my twenties. And so I decided maybe I should write again. I am not as good of a writer now than before, coz heck how did all those word came out of this tiny brain of mine? There might be more grammar errors than ever but I guess it’s still alright? Maybe let’s try to continue writing here to complete this ode to my 20s. I’m actually thinking what should I do to celebrate my 30th life here on earth. Maybe this is one of those — to start writing again before I completely end my twenties’ season.

If you (a non-existent reader) happen to read entries in this blog, please don’t be misunderstood. For I wrote all my agonies and frustrations in life here, but that’s not to say all I had in life was downfall one after the other. I also had series of breakthroughs. Throughout my 20s, I was able to land a job where I can travel the world and bring out the child in me as part of the job requirement. Though I must say to get there was never an easy journey. Lots of problems with my documents, a world pandemic and a whole lotta more. And maybe that is why all those fears keep on resurfacing as I enter my “renewal of documents” season once again. There’s no problem with my employer. The problem is with my documents–my medical, training, my US Visa (which took a big toll in my life, the trauma it gave me is nothing but chaos in my heart). And now that’s what boggles me, what if same scenario happened again? What if the universe is trying to reroute my life’s direction again? If this all happen once again, how will I handle the aftermath?

But the other side of my mind is telling me why do I have to be anxious of something THAT HAVEN’T HAPPENED YET OR MORESO SOMETHING THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN? What if your mind is just making up worst scenarios due to the fear that you’ve experienced before? What if you’re not gonna move backwards anymore but forward this time? What if all those anxiety and fear is all in your head? What if everything’s gonna be alright and smooth-sailing? And no matter how rational all these are I still can’t help but get scared, coz it’s a high possibility, ‘coz I already have a bad record with them. I wanted to hold unto the promise the Lord made for me way back 2019 “that I will never experience a denied Visa ever again”. But that was before, when I still have the faith and belief of this certain God that was instilled in me; a lot of my Christian beliefs have changed now. So if I already have a different understanding of a higher being, of a higher power, does this promise still holds true? Should I still hold unto this? Should I still believe in these words?

I guess all I can do right now is to let this anxiety swim in my system but just making sure it won’t devour my whole being to the point of being paralyzed again. I guess I’ll just continue being anxious until the day that I can be free of this worry which is once I already got hold of the new visa. There’s nothing I can do to ease the fear for it’s the trauma that is speaking in me. It’s the previous worst experience that is preventing me from being completely fine. So what will I do? This is something that is out of my control. I’m gonna try to brush this aside and trust that the universe is on my side, trust that I will still be able to sign on next January in Panorama. Just please help me to not feed this fear all the more with scenarios that will make me more and more anxious.

To be honest, I have a lot of anxiety right now. The fact that I have a three-month vacation is making me scared that I’ll be penniless because of all the bills and financial responsibility. I also need to renew my Basic Training and I absent-mindedly enrolled in a training center where training will be held miles away from home. This is indecisiveness speaking again because I opted for a cheaper training and the one with earlier schedule but in the end I had to give time for it which I don’t want to do. My hope right now is to find silver lining in what happened here.

I’m also worried because I need to do medical again because it’s gonna expire next year and I’m still gonna be onboard that time. I’m worried that they might find something (my scoliosis is for sure a given, which I’ve longed accepted) that will delay everything again. Especially now that I’ve gotten used to drinking beer and I’m scared it took a toll in my health. But I stopped now (even though I’m craving for it even just one can of beer) until I finished my medical. Here’s to me hoping that all is well in my medical results.

If only I could turn back time, I wish I haven’t seen the post about that US Visa. It was because of that post why my anxiety was triggered. Everything is fine with me, my supposedly only concern is how long the process will take but because I read that post it opened a can of worms in me. It opened up the wounds of the past. My intuition is telling me that they might request for an appearance (due to my previous record which let’s just say, might appear sketchy to them, but I hope there’s gonna be a light touch to the consul who’ll review my ds160 and will not see anything wrong with my application) but my intuition is also telling me that everything is gonna be alright. But I just really hope I don’t need to have appearance anymore because that will make me really happy.

There you go… I’ve dumped all my thoughts once again and I kinda felt relieved in doing so. I guess I’m gonna end this post on why the title is Soulful Sunday.

Maybe this is the in-between of my 20s and my 30th. This is the transition phase, of a so close time, nearing the end of my 20s. I wanna record how my life will be in the remaining months of my twenties. I had victories that I haven’t shared in this blog, because I guess, I can only write whenever rotten emotions get the best of me. But I do have my breakthroughs. Thinking about it now there’s a lot to celebrate in my twenties. And those writings that I wrote before of how I wanted my life to be? Surprisingly, it happened. I was able to manifest those things that I just aspired to be before. I was able to travel, to meet new people and learn different culture. I was able to gain wisdom and widen my perspective about a lot of things. I was able to achieve all those things. And somehow I took all those experiences for granted and not until I read this blog that I pondered to myself, “wait a minute, everything that I wished to be before, is the trajectory of my life right now.”

And so I really hope I can still continue this job. I really hope all will be well with my Visa, in my medical, in all my documents. Because even though I only sleep most of my time in my cabin, and even though I have internal turmoil and doubts, or having hard time building relationships, or even though my principles are always tested, it is when in the ship I feel the most alive. Working in the ship makes me get to know myself better, assess myself and the insecurities I have with my job and with other people that are better than me. And I guess alongside the complacent me that is who I was during my 20s. Here’s something I want to achieve as I enter my 30s: to be brave, to be proactive, to be positive, that this time I will handle life better when it once again decided to throw lemons at me. That every time challenge or adversity occurs, I will not wallow with sadness or self-pity, but instead I will take action of whatever outcome of situations happened. I will not anymore be laid back but I need to take control of my life. As of now, I really do not have a set goal in mind of what I wanted to be (but I do know I want enough money to sustain living, which is a big reason why I want still want this job). Heck, I don’t even know what I really want to achieve. But I guess I’ll get there? Baby steps. And I will navigate life based on the present moment–filled with anxiety but also joy, of the unknown, of what will be.

Afterword

I always say I don’t want to get married, but deep inside I do. And my friend is right, the reason why I don’t want is because I’m scared. I can’t risk that the comfort that comes from being alone will be infiltrated by heartaches and sorrows. But I do, I want to love. (But being childless is still a want from me, I don’t want to bear a child). I want to feel the feeling of being wanted. I feel like I have so much overflowing love in me but I don’t have someone whom I can shower this love. I want to see a new side of me once I have a romantic interest. I hope I can experience a genuine and real love in this lifetime, universe.

No Title

I am experiencing a writer’s block. That sounds so funny considering that I am never a writer by profession in the first place. It just so happened that writing is my hobby, and that there are some few people in social media that might actually appreciate the musings and insights that I’ve written in the past months.

For more context, I am actually writing insights about my favorite K-dramas. I started last year, in the height of pandemic, and surprisingly, I am still doing this. I am never the type to be consistent in everything that I do. So it’s quite a little bit of a shock for me that I am still into this even after a year. The thing is that, what started out of hobby becomes a source of pressure for me. As I see more content creators in the platform being so good at it, and as I see some people messaging me of how much they appreciate my content, it actually gets harder for me to write something good and worthwhile to read. I feel like in the recent months, my essays have become a lackluster and always falling short. It’s like there’s no improvement or it’s just the same words or phrases that I use in all my contents or insights.

Early this year, I really had a fun time writing my thoughts about Vincenzo. I did wrote about other dramas before that, even though it’s kinda off-putting and unintelligent. But I trained my mind that I’m doing this not for anyone else but for myself, I’m doing this for my entertainment, for my happiness. And so I continue to write. I write and write even though it’s not up to par with the other writers out there. Then Vincenzo happened and I got so absorbed with writing, raving and fangirling about it. As a result, engagements and reach on my social platform becomes higher than usual. I get to talk to fellow fangirls and share insights with them. Come to think of it, it was such a fun memory. I think it was my turning point since the day I made that account to dump all my K-drama insights.

Until real life obligations kicked in, and I found myself so stressed and depressed. As a result, I unintentionally abandoned the platform. Followers decreased and I just lost the spark to write about it. I decided to go back after two months of being away and I felt the changed of being such a snob and not posting so much just like before. My engagement and reach is not as high as before and other people are seemingly not interested to what I am writing about K-dramas. Worst, I got insecure as I see fellow creators still on a high and still is being active. I feel like they are farther away from me in terms of what they have accomplished. I also feel so wort for thinking that some of what they’re doing right now is an idea that I originally started. But because I only have a small audience, of course I dont take the credit for that. See how worse I am becoming?

I am writing this just so I can release my inner thoughts, the way that I always do every time I’m in an internal turmoil of a mess. And I am writing again so I can become used to sharing my thoughts in the blogging platform, something that I think I’ve forgotten to do.

I just want to write. I want to write about K-dramas. I want to write about asian dramas. I don’t want to add so much pressure into it. And so, yes, as I am writing this down, I am making up my mind that I will no longer do this for the views, or for the reach; I am doing this for myself. Because I want to pour all my insights about a drama, whether good or bad, in an avenue where there is no silent competition, or even interaction. I just want to write. I will write by my own rules. I will write by my own way. And I won’t let anyone make me sway by making me feel so small and incompetent.

Wallow Wednesday XV

Today I decided I’m gonna right again. I’m going to write anything that crosses my mind. I am going to write so I can find out what my unconscious is hiding to my self. I am going to write because I am once again, and always, fed up with life.

First, I just finished watching a K-drama, Chicago Typewriter. My head hurts because of crying too much. Imagine, I cried for an hour straight (a whole episode), took a break to release my feels in Instagram, then watched it, and cried once more. This is such a good drama in a sense that it talked about LOVE – friendship, romance, love for the nation, love for the family, revenge, sacrifice, freedom, privilege. The drama challenges the way I live this life and what can I do to make this life worthwhile. I just can’t fathom the depth of love of this people to their nation and friends that they are willing to kill and to die for it. But who am I speaking here I am just another human being, reeking of so many privileges that I tend to forgot how lucky I am. That even though I don’t have a job I still get to eat three, or even more than three, times a day. And I guess, in a way, that makes me even more guilty. My problems are too small to be compared to the real problems of society. How can I even help the world?

That leads me to a realization that I am craving for a new wisdom, of a different perspective about the world. Or even if that wisdom is still has something to do with God, I want anew revelation. Something that I haven’t heard of before. A revelation that is not coming from the past people of my church or of my mentor. I needed something new. I needed a new family. A new person I can trust. A new addition in my life that will make an impact to me. A new addition in my life that will challenge me to go beyond my limits. I don’t want it to be a family member or someone I new before. I just want to meet new people. Is that even possible? Can I even ask for that even though the world is getting more and more broken each day?

Second, I am tired of living this life with family. Of that feeling that I am useless and at the same time, my kindness and patience is being abused. I am grateful to have my parents still alive. But I feel so guilty that at an old age, they can’t seem to escape from the responsibility brought by the recklessness of their children. That they have to carry with us the repercussions of our wrong decisions in life. I envy my oldest sister for being so brave and strong to live a life that is independent to family. But it also makes me wonder, how does she feel of bearing the weight–financial, mental and emotional–for this family.

I am getting so emotional once again. On a light note, I applied and got accepted for a job I really didn’t like. And I’m scared that I cannot give my best for the job. I want to excel even though I don’t like it. I don’t want to stay being a mediocre. Also. I am broke. how many times will I be broke in my entire life. How many times should I endure this cycle just so I can learn from my mistakes.

I actually don’t know what I’m talking about anymore. And I don’t know what to say anymore either. I guess I will have to stop writing this. Soon, I’ll be back. I’ll write another topic.. of my angst, of my burdens, of my agony.

Wallow Wednesdays XIV

It’s been so long since I haven’t write in this online diary of mine. My mind is currently filled with so many thoughts that I really don’t even know which of those thoughts are making my whole life so toxic. By now I just really want to be honest to myself and assess everything in my life through writing about it.

First, as petty as it may seems, I am currently obsess with this K-drama, Start-Up. I’ve been following this drama since Episode 1 and now that we’re down to the last episodes, it has become a wonderful disaster in my viewing experience. Just a context, I created additional two Instagram accounts (lol) at the course of pandemic and one of those is to feed myself of anything related to Asian dramas. I post videos and photos and some insights in my caption. So, when I started watching Start Up, I relentlessly pour out writing my thoughts about this drama. I found likeminded people who’s enjoying the drama and it’s just so fun to talk about this drama together with some people you knew online. Now, the worst part of this viewing experience is the division it create amongst viewers. This drama is now considered such a huge hit internationally being the most watched K-drama on Netflix this 2020. The division was highly caused by the love triangle between the two male characters. Another worst thing is that fans of Kim Seon Ho is pathetically bashing Nam Joo Hyuk as an actor and it was just highly uncalled for. You know what’s making me even more stressed? That Nam Joo Hyuk’s character is super underappreciated and not many people like him as a character. I feel bad because I love Nam Do San. He isn’t your typical male lead. People can’t understand or relate to him as a character and worshipping Han Ji Pyeong like fools. Okay. Now, I feel so pathetic for being so into this shipping war. I honestly need to get a life. lol.

I developed a huge liking for Nam Joo Hyuk because of this drama and I just feel so sad that he is the male lead but he isn’t getting so much love as Kim Seon Ho. That’s the reason why I feel so pathetic as of the moment. Clearly, there is no spice in my life that I’m even sympathizing the divided attention Nam Joo Hyuk is getting and for all I know, the actor’s continually living his life as a top paid actor, moving on to promote a new movie and probably on a rest right now. My mental health cannot take too much fangirling now compared when I was in my teenage years. Also, the global hit that is K-dramas (or even K-pop) has so many toxic fans that they can just easily spit negative vibes just because they’re hiding behind their laptop and smart phone. So yeah. All the more I realized that I’m too old for petty fangirling if it’s just like this. Throwing mean remarks just to get a point across and it doesn’t matter if they hurt people in the process. Ladies and gentlemen, this is how idol world has become in Hallyu. It sucks.

So aside from stressing over Nam Joo Hyuk and Start-Up, I recently learned how to play ukulele and wanting to learn guitar as well. It was such a great stress reliever. Nothing much to say about a new hobby of mine ‘coz while it reduce stress, it isn’t really removing the stress away.

My current dilemma is losing drive to do anything. I’m just emotionally and mentally tired to even try to do anything. Finding a job, learning a new language, studying. It’s like all motivation and care was thrown in the ocean and now I just don’t care about anything at all. I lose the will to live life to the fullest.

I don’t even have the drive to finish writing this entry so I’m just gonna end this as it is. lol. bye.