Wallow Wednesdays XII

What am I up to in this two months of Isolation?

Nothing totally productive or worth earning money. First, I momentarily forgot everything about him in those one month and became so busy watching series, documentaries, podcasts and anything else. I am actually wondering right now how fast yet so slow this past months had been. And in those months, I succumbed myself to temporary pleasures but isn’t really striking my soul to the point I have to take action and just do something worthwhile. Good thing I’ve chanced upon shows that makes me re-evaluate life itself and forget the reality for the meantime.

Hunter X Hunter

I remembered I was looking for a good show and then stumbled upon Hunter x Hunter. It was probably the best show I’ve watched this season and I just bawled my eyes crying in some of the episodes. I was so enthralled with the friendship of the characters — especially Gon and Killua. I always have a soft spot to stories of adventure together with someone, whether romantic interest, friends or families, and just growing together and discovering what to do in life. That last scene in the last episode of the last season (lol.. the construction of this sentence is just so redundant) is just so heartfelt for me that I can’t help but cry. Farewell for me is just something so bittersweet especially if you have to part ways with people whom you’ve shared memories and has been an audience of each other towards character development, every triumph and lost, every bad choices and good ones. It’s inevitable for Gon and Killua to part ways because at the end of the day, they are both individuals who have their own purpose in life and there are just some seasons in life where you have to go through it without your best friend or family.

 

Each season presented different arcs and stories of growth, redemption, revenge, to name a few. However, all I can say is I enjoy every part of it, both filler and main episodes. I enjoyed the Heavens Arena Arc and I just want to give a shoutout to Hisoka because he is actually my favorite villain (or not!) in this anime. Chimera Ants Arc is kind of a slowburn to me at first but during the mid and its final episodes it sort of gave me this deconstructed idea of who’s good and evil. I’ve read a lot of interpretations regarding this arc and how it shouts humanism all over it and I’m just glad to say how profound those interpretations. A lot of characters died in this arc (which is so dear to me) that is why this is the most emotional arc for me and I’ve cried tons of it. There’s this one character who died (I won’t tell who to prevent spoilers) that truly resonate with me; and like all these characters who are close to him/her, I grieve together with them. It was just a painful watch for me and the menacing result that was born out of that grief is somehow doleful for me.

Hisoka MOROW | Anime-Planet

Review: Hunter x Hunter - Chimera Ant Arc | Anime Amino

Overall, this show has managed to capture my heart and I’m sad that there’s a blurry chance we get to see how it ends for the characters. However, the anime wrapped it up beautifully and I truly enjoyed the roller-coaster adventures of all characters.

Hospital Playlist

Next to my watch list was Hospital Playlist which wrapped up its first season last week. This is the kind of show that I didn’t fully realize just grew in my heart and when I finally realize how good it is, I just start to care for every aspect of the storytelling. I started this show with no expectations and what caught me to watch it was some of my favorite actors are in it. I am not a fan of Reply Series (I just can’t understand why I can’t bring myself to love the show even though every time I watch some episodes, it gives a nostalgic and healing factor to me) but with good credentials of the writer-PD tandem, I give this show a try. At first, the rumblings and chaos in the hospital looks realistic for me and the first episode got me confused on what’s going to be the plot of this series. It actually gave me a bored feel to it because one episode is just too long for me. However, I think it was on episode 6 or 7 where I realized how this show just wants to give a story of friendship, love and life of normal people trying to make ends meet through a hospital setting. I think it was a smart choice to use the hospital setting because:

(1) we meet different stories of people in the hospitals — their struggles and their relationships. In each patient that the show introduced to us, we get a glimpse of what their life is outside the hospital. The patients’ POV give us a story of hope, grief and love in just a short period of time. How amazing is that, right? For us viewers to sympathize and empathize to character’s that are not even the leads of the show is a smart way to tell a story which creates impact to its audience.

(2) every time we watch a medical Korean drama, the story focuses on either hospital politics or hospital jargons which is use to create conflict or hospital romance. What separates Hospital Playlist among them is that there’s no hospital politics at all. (If you remember in episode 1, I think the writer wants us to believe there’s going to be a politics conflict brewing up after the chairman died. Rosa — which is the dead chairman’s wife and Jong Su are good friends and it also seems like a betrayal’s about to ensue. It turns out that there’s no conflict at all between them and whoever’s going to be the chairman isn’t really the main interest of the show. Well played, show. Well, played). In summary, this is just a series that shows the life of normal beings without grandiose battle of who’s who. Just a normal story of normal people working on a hospital.

5 Reasons To Start Watching The New Wholesome K-Drama “Hospital ...

This show is just a healing drama to those who will watch it because all characters are endearing to watch. Every main character was given emphasis and no one is left behind. Jo Jung Seok is always amusing to watch (props to his comedic timing; who won’t forget the now-and-soon-to-be legendary Pick Me dance) and he has given life to his character Ik-Jun who is the Mr. Congeniality of the hospital. But it also shows that however hilarious and friendly he is, someone who always give advice to people, he is not exempted to the trials of life. At some point, there will always be hardship too and funny guy can also be serious and earnest (insert: being a father to U-Ju and that confession of love) I would also like to mention the bromance between Jun Wan and Jae Hak. Oh, these two! Helping each other out sincerely and quietly without too much drama. I adore watching their antics and banters and watching them learn from each other.

There are just so many little arcs to mention in this show and I would like to highlight all of them but this post will just get longer and longer. 😀

Last thing I want to mention is the budding love lines in this show. Personally, I root for Seok-Hyeong and Min-Ha together and they are my most favorite couple in the show. An introvert and extrovert? Oh, I would love how it would pan out and I’m sure there’s going to be lots of comical scenes if it will happen. I read some opinions about the love lines on this show discussing how the writer actually confuses its audience about who’s going to end up together with who; showing some signs of ships to sail only for it to crash in the end. eg. Reply 1988. And that there are some subtle signs of who’s the real love team of this show. Of course, everyone is into Song Hwa’s love line with Chi Hong and Ik Joon. For me, what Chi Hong has was a one-sided love and as much as I pity that likeness and sincerity to Song-Hwa, I just don’t think he is the right man for Song-Hwa. I’m not going to talk much with Ik-Joon x Song-Hwa budding romance but going back to the discussions I read (which is actually an unpopular opinion but I firmly believe with a good basis to back-up) Song-Hwa just doesn’t like Ik-Joon. We can formulate theories of the romance through different shots of the scenes eg. that night where Song-Hwa stayed in Ik-Joon’s apartment. There was this shot of the both of them outside the window with the pouring rain and as the scene ends they became blurry because of too much rain. With regards to Jeong-Won and Gyeo-Wool, well their scene in the last episode just gives us a room to be more excited of what story they will provide in season 2. I just think it’s too early to finalized all love interests in this show because a lot can happened in Season 2.

Hospital Playlist' gains traction in terms of buzz, TV ratings

Can I just also mention the OST’s?! This is one of the best this show has offered me as well. This group of people who’ve withstand the test of time, forming a band and just singing their hearts out is definitely a highlight of the show for me. I think this is the first time in so many years where I love all of the OST’s in the drama. OSTs speak of their past, their present and their future and I just love it.

Overall, I enjoyed this show so much and it’s just weird that the last episode doesn’t feel like the last episode because their stories left a lot for a second season. Now, the agony is to wait for the S2 for a year!? Let’s see what’s going to happen about it.

So this entry ended up with me making some flash reviews about the series that speaks volume to my heart. Well, it’s just so worthwhile to meet a good show that resonates deeply in my heart. I am not usually a fan of theories, though I welcome it, nor I have an eye for every detail. As I mentioned before, what grips my heart for a show to truly impress me is the storytelling of opening yourself to a wider perspective filled with emotions and reflection of your own self right after watching or reading it. For me, the downside of coming across this shows is it always leave a hallow feeling in my chest making me feel empty. Well, I want to believe that there’s an upside to this one too. Even though it leaves a space in my heart, it gives me a room to reassess myself and put more knowledge and feeling into it for me to learn more and get to know myself even better. I believe that this shows helped me go back to my inner core and just fully enjoy my own adventure even though I am stubborn and inconsistent in some of my ways.

And to everyone who will get to read this post, I hope you get to appreciate any form of storytelling (films, series, novels, poems) and whatever kind of storytelling you meet along the way, I hope it creates an impact to you and how you view this world.

Out of all the art I knew, it always boils down to the core which is the stories of life — hope and becoming, of tragedy and recovery, of yin and yang.

 

Wallow Wednesdays XI

I am constantly feeling this lump in my chest. The moment I wake up, whenever I’m trying my best to divert my attention to something else – the lump is always there. I wonder what’s inside this lump for it never goes away. Is it about the love? the crisis? the calling? Or is it about ALL of them?

I wonder why I still write. This is not even an obligation. I don’t even know if people will come across this site and curiously read all the entries in here. As of now, I don’t even know what to write. Well, it’s always been this way. I would try to type words and then will erase it.. then I’m gonna try to write another sentence.. then I’ll realize it’s not the correct grammar. Is the preposition right or wrong? Then I’m gonna erase it again. And since nothing was being formed, I’m just gonna leave it on draft and never come back.

But I still choose to write.. because it’s therapeutic; because it’s making the lump on my chest smaller. Writing makes me breathe. Writing makes me at ease. And so.. I will continue to write. Maybe I’m gonna pause for a while, but I will always come back.

I will always come back.

On to the entry

Everything’s the same ever since I went home. Nothing much changed, actually. I still think of him, I still think of what could happen, I still fear. One of the things that interest me are my old photos from university and former job. Funny how I try to visit my own profile and look at it because of the back of my mind HE might be stalking on my accounts too. Ha! INFP’s delusion is something else! But as I look at my photos, it ended up bringing back all those good memories and it makes me realize how far I’ve been in this life. I’ve met a lot of people, most of them I haven’t talked too the moment we parted ways. I remembered the laughter, the tears, the journey and the relationship. It wasn’t the place or the situation that made me nostalgic, it’s the people who were part of it. Every one I’ve come across with was so important on how I shaped my mind, on what my morals and principles are now and on why I became this way.

Is this the sign of aging? I was never sentimental. The last time I know I’m the type of person who leave the past with no regret. I’m the type of person who doesn’t care if I’ve lost contact with friends. It just goes to show that the last ten years of my life was so special, even if the people who were in it was not in my present now.

I’ve realized that we don’t leave the past just like that. We leave the past and bring the good and the bad that comes with it then we move forward. We continue life and what it taught us — the ones that hurt and the ones that brought us pleasure. It is part of who we are. It is part of what had become of us.

Infatuation

In order for me to not be confuse of the terms infatuation and love. Let’s define both.

According to google,

in·fat·u·a·tion /inˌfaCHəˈwāSH(ə)n/   noun
Why do I feel like I’m feeling both about you????

 

I still think of you. I still do. The intensity toned down a little bit but there is no doubt I still think of you. The disappointment wasn’t as hurtful as before but I still think of you. I still think about the memory of us, and it irks me a lot because I’m the kind of person who can easily leave the past behind with no reservations at all. Right now I am still a prisoner of that memory of us. I try to forget. I try to think of reasons why it’s never gonna work out or why things ended up this way between the both of us. I try to think of your bad traits and sometimes all of those thoughts are working. A part of the lump will magically disappear.. for a minute or two. Memory is a traitor. A part of our interactions will just pop up in my mind then suddenly all hope will gone up. I will start to think of scenarios of what might have been and will not happen in reality. When a Taylor Swift song starts to play, I will automatically start to think of all those memories. (Note: I don’t listen to Tay’s songs as of now. D*mn you! :D)

I come up with another plan – that is to accept. To accept that memories that became so special will be hard to erase just by having a mindset that I will start to forget you. To accept that what happened between the two of us will never escalate to something more; and that I should let time erase all those feelings I had for you until I wake up one day and all of it will be gone, there will be no lingering emotions anymore.

For now, what I do every time I think of you? I get a pen and a paper, let all of those emotions out and come back to what I was doing.

No more trying hard but no more wasting time thinking of what could have been or what if’s. It ended because it had to be.

INFP

Another thing that I am fascinated now is my Myer-Briggs personality. Before I’ve always wondered why I act or behave that way on crowd or uncomfortable scenarios. I hated myself for being too quiet or sometimes, a pushover to other people. I wondered why I chose to see the good in any situation despite of it being helpless. And I still have a whole lot of wonders of why I act and think this way. Finding out my Myer-Briggs personality and reading about it helped me understand myself better. I couldn’t put into words what my personality is but upon reading what an INFP is, I just couldn’t helped but agree to eveyrthing it described. I am definitely an INFP; and the more I read about it when it comes to relationships and dealing with life, the more I accept myself – flaws and all. I spend most of my time reading articles of how INFP act on different situations and once again, my mind will just shout “THAT IS TOTALLY ME”.

Let me tell you a bit of my personality (something that I personally noticed about myself):

I am very shy and reserved especially if I am in a big group. I don’t like being the center of attention and I don’t like talking in big group (best example: meetings at work (so uncomfortable for me!). The funny thing is that ever since I started my job, I was always working with a team and I am much, much more comfortable working alone. With that, I had to interact with them and talk to them. I am friendly but they only see my surface-level personality. I can come across as jolly and positive but deep inside I am always anxious and worried with the smallest things. As much as possible, I like to have good relationship with everyone because I don’t like conflict and confrontations. When it comes to making friends, I am a very good listener. It’s better for me to get to know the person first and if I see we have a lot of similar traits or if I get comfortable with you, I’ll start to open up about myself as well (which happens to a very few people). Sometimes I feel like my personality depends on who I’m with. I adapt myself on whoever I’m with.

It’s hard for me to trust someone easily. It takes years before I get comfortable with a person. I have a lot of friends throughout the years but I feel like only few of them knows the real me. Even my closest friends sometimes sees me as a mystery for I don’t open up or be that vulnerable easily. (So that explains my frustrations on the infatuation I felt and why it’s hard for me to forget.)

I can state more but this will be too long. In summary, INFP craves deep and meaningful conversations, we are good listeners and we don’t judge you for the choices you made. If we are talking about ourselves, our opinions, our problems, our principles to you, that means we trust you a lot.

Netflix and Books

In my quest to divert my attention to something else, I’m trying to watch some Netflix shows but whenever I start a series, I will eventually get tired of it. I watched Friends but not in the mood for the 2nd Season, Money Heist is the right show for me but also not in the mood to finish the first season. The list goes on and on with Altered Carbon, Breaking Bad, Your Lie in April (trying to avoid romance series, you know why :D) but I just can’t finish watching them. I am now watching Hospital Playlist (on to the 2nd episode) and I think I’m gonna stay and see how it goes. I tried watching movies but eventually got sick of choosing what to watch as well. I think my mind is not equipped for binge-watching just like the good old days. I don’t know what happened and why the sudden lost of interest.

I start to divert as well and read books. I like reading books but I realized that most of what I read, I actually forget. However, the feeling and healing that I’ve got upon reading it stays in me. For example, I will never forget how “The Graveyard Book” made me feel. I was going through a tough phase of my life, I was in a transition and that book just resonates in me. The journey of Bod made me realize that I am also in a journey and after being in that place for a long time – the place that shaped who you are, it’s time to move on and go with the next one – unto an unfamiliar place, without the people who was with you on your previous journey. It was time to face a new one, all on your own, with the hope that it’s gonna be better, and you’ll meet new people who will be there to help you.

Going back, I just can’t finish reading Quiet by Susan Cain. My mind wants to finish it, but I just can’t get the book and start reading it. I’m currently reading Becoming by Michelle Obama. I am off to a good start, actually but I don’t have the driving force to read it continuously.

I realized that as I grew older, my choice of books start to be different. Gone are the days when I chose Young Adult or Wattpad romance. I chose to read a book that refreshes my soul. Recently, books that made impact to me are Dear, Evan Hansen, The Subtle Art of not giving a F*ck and All Your Perfects.

I hope I get back all my focus and will just finish a book just like the good old times!

Wallowing

I think I know to myself that I’m running away again but I just don’t want to admit it. I would like to experience life. I always do. But sometimes I feel like fate has a different plan for me. Deep inside I knew I want to make a change. I want to create an impact to every person that I will encounter. I want to leave a mark. And maybe, if I write this, it will happen soon.

I will end this post with an excerpt of what I wrote a few years back. Before it was just a dream, and that dream grew inside of me. Now it is actually happening. I am at the first phase of what I wrote before. And I know dreams are placed inside our heart because it has something to do with the purpose we are manufactured to be while we are here in our temporary home.

 I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.

xoxo

PS. not edited, lots of grammatical errors

Wallow Wednesdays X

After a year

How do I even start? How do I even narrate a year of happenings in my life? I’ve been trying to control the whirlwind of emotions that is bound to happen inside my heart. I’ve been trying to tell my inner self that everything is alright, even though news and circumstances show otherwise. I’m in an inner battle. Funny how you triumph each war zone in your life only to realized there is a harder one that’s gonna come. I can now almost believe that Life might be a game, with a never ending levels, with lots of enemies to fight. The question is does it bother making through each level? Is there truly a great reward waiting for me at the end of it all?

How do I even begin? All I really want is to write all these emotions inside of me, which I always do. When the going gets rough, I release everything through constant typing of words and just releasing all this vibes outside my system.

Memories

Let me start by telling you a story. Once upon a time, there’s this heartless lady who believed that true love doesn’t exist, or loving someone includes heartaches and sacrifice, of compromising and understanding in which she promised won’t be her downfall. This lady believed that she doesn’t need anyone in her life. She’s used to being alone, and she will make it that way until she gets old. However, this lady has a secret. Deep within her, she wants to feel rainbows and butterflies. She wants someone who will make her feel important. She wants to meet someone who is brave enough to pursue her no matter how many times she rebuild the walls that others try to infiltrate.

Later on, she was in a place where the spirit of lust, longing and romance are everywhere. She knew she was in another battle. She tried her best not to let those spirits devour her principles nor be led by her emotions that will falsely made her feel beautiful and wanted. She stand strong, not letting anyone destroy the walls she constantly build throughout her life. Until someone came along..

It wasn’t even a decade, or a year, or a month. It only took a week for that spirit to crash all those walls she built. And it also took a week for that spirit to crash her heart hoping something more will happen, something more will escalate, that for once in her life, this might be worth the risk.

At first, she just wants to play along. Heck, she loved the feeling of someone making her feel special. But then a sudden news came that stopped her from diving into those foreign feelings. A news that is like warning her that if she proceeds, it’s like trampling on those principles she held all her life. And so she did what she knows best. She stopped. She backed off. SHE TRIED HER BEST TO STOP. But this sensations betrayed her. Little did she know, she was still in a trance.

Until fate did its job… She was taken away from that place. This wonderful nightmare needed to end. But what good does it did to her? She went back to her place still on a trance, still on a high, with the lingering hope that maybe there could be something more. Conscience and Selfishness started to argue but the former is still winning.

She was left alone, bringing her memories along with her, to the reality she was supposed to be in.

Present

Is it even possible to be attached in just a short period of time? I knew myself as a person who takes a while to give trust to someone. It takes time for me to feel comfortable being vulnerable to people. But with this one, I chose to trust and open my heart. I guess my discernment was wrong this time. I know soon time will do its work and one day I will wake up with no more lingering hope for something to happen. I know it’s gonna be sooner than I expected. For now, let me wallow on to these memories because this is all I have left with.

Isolation

With the global pandemic happening right now, I’m trying my best to stay as calm as possible. I don’t want to drown myself with anxiousness and uncertainty. But there are just those unguarded times where it creeps out. If I’m not thinking about the almost love, mind starts drifting to the possibility of the unknown. When is this all gonna end? Can I still go back to my former job? Is this the start of an apocalypse era? Why do I have to be living at this era? Just when I thought I’m starting my life that’s where a national crisis decides to slap your face saying “na-ah! you wish!”.

I am used to isolation. I can even stay in our house for three months without going outside. But this kind of isolation is different. Because in the former I CHOSE NOT TO go outside, with this one, I AM FORCED to stay inside for health purposes. And that’s a lot different.

After a Year

This is me after a year: still lost and uncertain, still in doubt and misery, still weak yet trying to be strong. Maybe I know the way out in this chess game of life I am in right now, I just choose to stay and be imprison by my misery.

Wallow Wednesdays IX

I spent a big time of this whole week binge-watching Kimura Takuya’s dramas. After watching Beautiful Life, I feel so guilty to watch another dramas ‘coz it seems like I’m wasting my precious time devoting myself of just watching dramas and not minding my personal issues in life. But I carelessly started watching Sora Kara Furu Ichioku No Hoshi and now I’m enchanted again. If I won’t stop, I might spend my whole year just watching Takuya’s dramas and movies.

I already knew the major plot twist in Sora Kara because of my interest in its Korean version. I found out that the Kdrama was just an adaptation and mindlessly read reviews (which contains massive spoilers) on both Japanese and Korean version. I won’t spoil the whole story because you really have to experience yourself the roller-coaster of emotions while watching this drama. Just a tip: if you plan on watching the jap version, it’s gonna be a helluva ride because it’s a story that is really heavy, sordid and dark. By the end of the last episode, I was dumbfounded and shocked with how the drama turned out. Because while I knew of the major plot twist (I won’t say.. I won’t say! 😂), I did not knew that the outcome of the twist was so severe and detrimental to the lives of our main characters.

Since Sora Kara left me speechless and strucked, I knew I had to watch a different drama just to cleanse all these rigid emotions that was formed inside and so I decided to watch Hero. Yes. Another Kimura Takuya drama. Again.

The Kimutaku effect is real and I am thoroughly affected. I guess this lovely disease won’t get healed that soon.

/cue in bg music: Can You Keep A Secret?/

Oh boy. This song just grew in me; just like the effect La la love song had in me. That song stayed in my head for few days!

Talking about Hero, which was very popular in its time (aired in 2001 and all episodes reached a rating of 30%), was a fun show to watch. Although I want to ridicule its approach in the legal procedural parts of it, I had to remind myself that it’s an old drama and it might be those one of the first dramas to have tried this kind of genre. I’ve seen better crime/legal procedural dramas that left me flabbergasted each time (usually this dramas are suckers for cliffhangers!) but with Hero it’s a different case each episode and so each conflict was getting solved by the end of the episode. I don’t have a problem with it, though. It’s just that there were flaws I’ve seen as a result of wrapping up the cases in a fast manner. However, the strength of this show comes with the ensemble of prosecutors who were wonderfully portrayed by a stellar cast. Abe Hiroshi has a commanding presence on screen; KimuMatsu combo does not disappoint! I love that there’s a touch of romance between Amamiya and Kuryu! I’m still in love with this ensemble so I don’t think I’ll watch Hero S2 yet.

Just when I thought I’m done watching jdoramas, I found myself watching another drama of Takuya; this time it’s Good Luck!!. The main theme of this drama is the life in the aviation industry. So far, I am loving this drama and its budding romance between the two leads. I know that the main focus of this drama is about the people working in an airline but I just really want more screentime for the romance (it’s just me though). Romance genre + Kimura Takuya + lots of kisses = COUNT ME IN! 😂😂

Life outside Jdoramas

Last time I mentioned I had some job interviews and I know it’s kind of stupid but I DID NOT go to any of the interviews. I just lost my confidence in myself and I feel like I can’t do anything. I know I’m slacking off and being so adamant about my life decisions but to be honest, everything’s starting to feel so halfhearted. Right now, I am numb in any pain or sorrow; I still can’t move emotionally and mentally. I felt like my life stopped and in the point of slowly accepting the fact that I’m defeated. That I’m just gonna stay here in the surface. That I am not bound to reach my dreams. I’m close to reaching the point wherein everything that I want for myself is the opposite of what the universe wants for me. And while I am having this foolish mindset, my life is slowly going in a way that could be describe as a loser.

All the things I need to accomplish just got halted. It seems like I don’t care about my future anymore.

I don’t know how to end this nonsensical entry of mine and I can’t continue writing my thoughts anymore so I’ll just end it with a quote from Hero Jdorama that hits my soft and damage heart:

Everybody sets out with the same set of ideals, but reality deals harshly with idealists. In the end, ideals are always out of reach.

I guess the point of this Wallow Wednesday entry is that, go watch a Kimura Takuya drama but get ready to be captivated and bewitched ‘coz once you started one, you’ll crave for more of him!! 😂😂💖💖

I see Kimura Takuya in pilot’s uniform, I watch! 😍😍

I can’t get enough of him, how to cure this?? 😍😍😂

Okay.. Last one..

This time with Takako Matsu at the back because the KimuMatsu tandem is the one to beat, yo!

Wallow Wednesdays VIII

If there is one object or channel I have always been honest with, it is in this blog. I never hid my struggles in here; in fact, writing here is slowly making my mind and body heal. I’ve been in a constant tussle of starting a brand new spectacle of this life, but there were days that it’s just really hard to get by. It’s hard for me to accept the fact that I’m fated to stay here — in an unknown place I can’t name as well, and not there — in a different unknown place with lots of grander possibilities.

Sometimes I would see these people, already achieved better things in life, and feel a surge of insecurity as they embarked their dream life — grandiose places, bigger world to unravel and a whole new different trials to overcome in relation to their dream. I also dream of same things; but how come it’s hard for me to get there? Is it because at the back of my mind I still yearn for instant gratification? Is it because the best that I am exerting is not enough to achieve all of it? But what if it’s already fate that’s saying you, “not yet”. If it’s not yet, then when will it be? As Ariel sang in Little Mermaid, “When’s it my turn? Wouldn’t I love? Love to explore that shore up above. Out of the sea, wish I could be, Part of Your World.”

It’s so easy to say to a devastated person the lines, “Maybe it’s not yet the right time” or “Better things are in store for you” but to be honest, it’s just rubbing salt to the wound, and I am guilty of those actions as well. I’ve always stay in silence when a person, even close to mine, is struggling so hard. And even though I don’t mention it to them, at the back of my mind having the “faith mentality” will solve all those pain. Truth be told, it won’t change the circumstances of the person. And now, people are telling me to just hold on; but it’s hard. It’s hard to believe especially if everything’s just chaos and oblivion.

How do you even save yourself from all sorts of pain? The feeling of waking up in the morning and suddenly feeling the sorrow and defeat make my days so unbearable. There will be moments of lingering hope but suddenly will shatter once I realize the state that I’m still in. And maybe, cynical thoughts will quash once I come out of this situation. The question is: will I come out alive?

Japanese Dramas

As I am in the state of depression, I continuously indulge myself with doramas of Kimura Takuya. God, I just can’t stop talking about this actor. I have no plans of watching Beautiful Life anymore as I know the ending but my crazy impulse just found myself skimming every episode until I reached the end last night. And knowing the ending, it did not sort of leave a heavy impact to me. I believe that if I haven’t known how it ends, I’ll be in cryfest for days, atop with my emotional disaster. I am still controlling myself to watch Good Luck and Hero because I feel like I don’t deserve to have a drama marathon considering how messed up my life is and rewarding myself of the time to binge watch these dramas is a sin. I don’t deserve to squeal over dramas right now until I figure out an escape to the mess I’m in. And so, as much as I want to, let me pause my Takuya’s drama marathon for now until I got my shit together. I hope I can do this, though.

I am telling myself over and over again that consuming most of my time watching dramas is not making my emotional turmoil heal. I feel like I just need to make my time productive, even though I don’t know how.

Korean Dramas

I am in my ongoing watch of Touch your Heart and Romance is a Bonus Book, though I still haven’t watch this week’s episodes of the latter. I can’t help but compare the former with What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim, mostly because it has the same director and probably the drama is also based on manhwa (not sure with it though). Still, the show is feel-good and both main actors have this natural and explosive chemistry that you just want them to be together. I don’t have problems with the plot. As shallow or cliche it seems to be, I don’t care. I just want a fluffy drama to cover black spots in my chest.

Romance is a Bonus Book, on the other hand, is also a fluffy drama starring the fluff and cute that is Lee Jong Suk. Gosh, any drama with Lee Jong Suk in it is hypnotizing me to continue watching Kdramas. I love the conversations and dialogues presented in every episode especially towards the ending scene. I love the supporting characters. I love that they’re showing the struggles of publishing a book especially in an era where almost everything is digital. I love how it shows the different struggles of every character. I have soft spot with characters that are not shown to be perfect and have-it-all life.  Though I just don’t have the interest of watching the latest episode and I don’t know why. Okay. okay. I have to admit, I’m still in a Kimura Takuya drama hangover. Teehee.

I also had an interest with The Light in Your Eyes especially in the first two episodes. I can relate with the characters and how depressing their lives are, until the fantasy elements happened. It would’ve been a better drama for me if there’s no time jump that happened and the show just presented the struggles of the two main characters when it comes to their dreams and life as a whole plus the romance between them. Nam Joo Hyuk is slaying his character whereas Han Ji Min’s rocking hers. I must say their chemistry is palpable and I would love to see their journey both as couple and individual. The turnout of the succeeding episodes is personally not working for me and to be honest, I just want a simple slice-of-life drama that reflects my struggles too; no time jump. No fantasy.

Books

I’ve come to a fact that I haven’t read for a long period of time. The last book I read was To all the Boys I’ve Loved Before Trilogy and right after that, Life happened thus straying myself away from good books. Now, I just want to read again, preferably self-help books just so I can input some positivity in this pessimistic cloud circling in my head. I downloaded epub such as The Power of Now, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, and Persuasion by Jane Austen to name a few. I hope my perspective will change as I read this books and that not only knowledge but also certainty fills my mind as I delve into this books.

Back to Reality

Aaahhhh.. The feeling of being alive but is wallowed by sorrow is both agonizing and tremendously scarring my system. Right now, I want to believe that greater things are in store for me and that I should start fresh. It’s still hard for me to accept the fact that I had to go through it the hard way and that time and luck is never in my side all this time.

I want to start afresh and live with no expectations. No more dreaming big. But at the other side of spectrum, I want to push myself to the limits. I want to try harder and live farther in spite of suicidal thoughts (this is not alarming so dont worry. Im not brave enough to kill myself. lol).

I hope this time the Law of Attraction applies to me and I just attract the finer things in life and blind my sight to see others’ achievements. We all have our struggles, with some having achieved their dreams in life but is continually surviving in a grueling world, while others still trying to find their place in the world. I am not yet in a total healing as I still have thoughts of envy and jealousy towards others who have their shit together. But someday, I hope I can change the course of my life, without Someone telling me to do this and that; because the holy betrayal penetrates so deep I don’t think it’s gonna heal in a short period of time.