Soulful Sundays II

It was ,surprisingly, a fruitful week. I started the week with the training and thank god it’s over. I dreaded those three days (including the day I had to rent a room just so I can make it to the 4am call time the next day) of training. I even have to jump over that height for three times. I’m happy that I was able to surpass it but I opt not to do it again. I guess, I’ll have to do it in the next five years ‘coz jumping in that height is such a struggle for me. The highlight of my week is when I finally got to see Hamilton musical live. (YEES!!!!) I’m just disappointed of how far our seats were that I can barely see the faces and expressions of the actors. But I’m lucky enough that it was Rachelle Ann Go who performed as Eliza and I got to see her perform in her theater actress era. I love her and I love how light and positive her aura is. She is the kind of Christian woman I wanted to be. Just a woman full of faith, and that all she is getting is one answered prayer after another (tho I’m sure she has her fair share of struggles too). I love her life story — her positive aura, her story of success.

And then after those four days I became a bum again. I told myself I need some relaxation which I think got too much since I stopped doing yoga. But today, I finally got myself in the mat and now I can say I’m back on track. I’m proud of myself for showing up!

I rewatched Full House, a classic Kdrama hit that pioneered the romcom genre. And oh boy, I just love old classics. I mean, there are lots of things to judge, one of those are the characterizations, the conflicts, the flow of the story, but at the heart of it is the oozing and wholesome chemistry of the main couple. That it doesn’t need a kiss scene or too much skinship to evoke heart-fluttering scenes. Their bickering is a joy to watch and the subtle concerns with each other makes my heart skip a beat. And what’s more fun in rewatching Shows like this is that you just have to fast-forward to the scenes that you like and avoid those nonsensical conflicts just to prolong the show and you still understand how the story flows.. just because you’ve already rewatched a hundred times. I also started the first episode of Castaway Diva, and oh boy, what a heavy first episode it is! And I’m still not sure what to feel about the fact that writer or director is keeping who the main male lead will be probably because they’re gonna try to milk the love triangle again (just like what they did in Start Up) but this time trying to make things right just so the fanwars won’t be too much to the point that the other male actor will overshadow the “supposedly” male actor lead (and yes, this preference is from Start Up).

I’m not sure what to add anymore. I guess just the fact that I’m still getting anxiety or that this vacation reminds me of the past two years ago. The monsters of my past keep on haunting me and now I felt like this heaviness in my chest won’t go away. I guess this is how I’m gonna live this life — forever anxious, of anything that I could think of. My mind will always find something that will make me feel anxious. This mind won’t let me be at peace. I will always be bombarded with insecurities, fear and doubt. In return, it’s hard to live life. It’s hard to be at ease. But what can I do? I guess this runs in the blood. Both my parents are worrier and anxious. Maybe it’s a generational thing. Which is why I’m fascinated to meet people who are the opposite me, who sees life through rose-colored lens. These people who has simple dreams in life and is hardworking enough to make those dreams into reality. While I’m here, sluggish, passive and just living life day by day. They say I’m smart. But I’m just book smart. I just feel too much. I’m a person who tries to analyze things but is not the one to execute it. I’m still thankful where life is leading me.

I’m slowly in my quest of accepting myself. But I guess it’s gonna be a life-long process. I wonder if I already changed, which I think I am. I feel like I’m not the same person that I was years ago. How melancholic is it that I haven’t said goodbye to those versions of mine that is not there anymore. Or do I really changed? Or deep within is still the immature, indecisive me? How funny is it that even though I’ve went to different places I still am going back to the same place of anxiety and fear. I guess I need to relocate now. I need to live life somewhere else, not going back to my hometown. I need to go to a different place where memories of my past won’t haunt me down. I feel like my previous bad energy is lurking in this house that whenever I stay here, it consumes my system. I feel like if I’m here I will always go back to square one. And I don’t want that to happen anymore. I don’t wanna go back to that side of me that feels like a loser or inconsequential. I wanted change, a plot twist in this season of my life that I’m in. I want to move somewhere else. I want a different place which I can consider home. Universe, can you make that happen please? Higher being, can you make that happen please? God, can you make that happen please? Remove the roadblocks along the way. Remove the roadblocks that is in me that which is preventing me to reach my full potential, or to be in the place which I ought to be. Relocating to a different country? Bring it on! I hope to live in a different country. That has always been a dream of mine. To live and grow old in a place that is not the house in which I grew up. Let me live a different kind of life now. Let me go somewhere else that I can consider as home. This is a new dream of mine. To live somewhere else, to have a job that sustains my lifestyle, to go somewhere else away from the struggles of commuting (commuting is hell in Manila), somewhere safe and peaceful. (Maybe Canada or New Zealand?) Let me still work in the ship to fund this dream of mine and let me go somewhere else now. To start a brand new chapter of my life. This… is a new dream of mine. Let my wings fly. Let me be a full-grown butterfly.

Wallow Wednesdays XIV

It’s been so long since I haven’t write in this online diary of mine. My mind is currently filled with so many thoughts that I really don’t even know which of those thoughts are making my whole life so toxic. By now I just really want to be honest to myself and assess everything in my life through writing about it.

First, as petty as it may seems, I am currently obsess with this K-drama, Start-Up. I’ve been following this drama since Episode 1 and now that we’re down to the last episodes, it has become a wonderful disaster in my viewing experience. Just a context, I created additional two Instagram accounts (lol) at the course of pandemic and one of those is to feed myself of anything related to Asian dramas. I post videos and photos and some insights in my caption. So, when I started watching Start Up, I relentlessly pour out writing my thoughts about this drama. I found likeminded people who’s enjoying the drama and it’s just so fun to talk about this drama together with some people you knew online. Now, the worst part of this viewing experience is the division it create amongst viewers. This drama is now considered such a huge hit internationally being the most watched K-drama on Netflix this 2020. The division was highly caused by the love triangle between the two male characters. Another worst thing is that fans of Kim Seon Ho is pathetically bashing Nam Joo Hyuk as an actor and it was just highly uncalled for. You know what’s making me even more stressed? That Nam Joo Hyuk’s character is super underappreciated and not many people like him as a character. I feel bad because I love Nam Do San. He isn’t your typical male lead. People can’t understand or relate to him as a character and worshipping Han Ji Pyeong like fools. Okay. Now, I feel so pathetic for being so into this shipping war. I honestly need to get a life. lol.

I developed a huge liking for Nam Joo Hyuk because of this drama and I just feel so sad that he is the male lead but he isn’t getting so much love as Kim Seon Ho. That’s the reason why I feel so pathetic as of the moment. Clearly, there is no spice in my life that I’m even sympathizing the divided attention Nam Joo Hyuk is getting and for all I know, the actor’s continually living his life as a top paid actor, moving on to promote a new movie and probably on a rest right now. My mental health cannot take too much fangirling now compared when I was in my teenage years. Also, the global hit that is K-dramas (or even K-pop) has so many toxic fans that they can just easily spit negative vibes just because they’re hiding behind their laptop and smart phone. So yeah. All the more I realized that I’m too old for petty fangirling if it’s just like this. Throwing mean remarks just to get a point across and it doesn’t matter if they hurt people in the process. Ladies and gentlemen, this is how idol world has become in Hallyu. It sucks.

So aside from stressing over Nam Joo Hyuk and Start-Up, I recently learned how to play ukulele and wanting to learn guitar as well. It was such a great stress reliever. Nothing much to say about a new hobby of mine ‘coz while it reduce stress, it isn’t really removing the stress away.

My current dilemma is losing drive to do anything. I’m just emotionally and mentally tired to even try to do anything. Finding a job, learning a new language, studying. It’s like all motivation and care was thrown in the ocean and now I just don’t care about anything at all. I lose the will to live life to the fullest.

I don’t even have the drive to finish writing this entry so I’m just gonna end this as it is. lol. bye.

Wallow Wednesdays XII

What am I up to in this two months of Isolation?

Nothing totally productive or worth earning money. First, I momentarily forgot everything about him in those one month and became so busy watching series, documentaries, podcasts and anything else. I am actually wondering right now how fast yet so slow this past months had been. And in those months, I succumbed myself to temporary pleasures but isn’t really striking my soul to the point I have to take action and just do something worthwhile. Good thing I’ve chanced upon shows that makes me re-evaluate life itself and forget the reality for the meantime.

Hunter X Hunter

I remembered I was looking for a good show and then stumbled upon Hunter x Hunter. It was probably the best show I’ve watched this season and I just bawled my eyes crying in some of the episodes. I was so enthralled with the friendship of the characters — especially Gon and Killua. I always have a soft spot to stories of adventure together with someone, whether romantic interest, friends or families, and just growing together and discovering what to do in life. That last scene in the last episode of the last season (lol.. the construction of this sentence is just so redundant) is just so heartfelt for me that I can’t help but cry. Farewell for me is just something so bittersweet especially if you have to part ways with people whom you’ve shared memories and has been an audience of each other towards character development, every triumph and lost, every bad choices and good ones. It’s inevitable for Gon and Killua to part ways because at the end of the day, they are both individuals who have their own purpose in life and there are just some seasons in life where you have to go through it without your best friend or family.

 

Each season presented different arcs and stories of growth, redemption, revenge, to name a few. However, all I can say is I enjoy every part of it, both filler and main episodes. I enjoyed the Heavens Arena Arc and I just want to give a shoutout to Hisoka because he is actually my favorite villain (or not!) in this anime. Chimera Ants Arc is kind of a slowburn to me at first but during the mid and its final episodes it sort of gave me this deconstructed idea of who’s good and evil. I’ve read a lot of interpretations regarding this arc and how it shouts humanism all over it and I’m just glad to say how profound those interpretations. A lot of characters died in this arc (which is so dear to me) that is why this is the most emotional arc for me and I’ve cried tons of it. There’s this one character who died (I won’t tell who to prevent spoilers) that truly resonate with me; and like all these characters who are close to him/her, I grieve together with them. It was just a painful watch for me and the menacing result that was born out of that grief is somehow doleful for me.

Overall, this show has managed to capture my heart and I’m sad that there’s a blurry chance we get to see how it ends for the characters. However, the anime wrapped it up beautifully and I truly enjoyed the roller-coaster adventures of all characters.

Hospital Playlist

Next to my watch list was Hospital Playlist which wrapped up its first season last week. This is the kind of show that I didn’t fully realize just grew in my heart and when I finally realize how good it is, I just start to care for every aspect of the storytelling. I started this show with no expectations and what caught me to watch it was some of my favorite actors are in it. I am not a fan of Reply Series (I just can’t understand why I can’t bring myself to love the show even though every time I watch some episodes, it gives a nostalgic and healing factor to me) but with good credentials of the writer-PD tandem, I give this show a try. At first, the rumblings and chaos in the hospital looks realistic for me and the first episode got me confused on what’s going to be the plot of this series. It actually gave me a bored feel to it because one episode is just too long for me. However, I think it was on episode 6 or 7 where I realized how this show just wants to give a story of friendship, love and life of normal people trying to make ends meet through a hospital setting. I think it was a smart choice to use the hospital setting because:

(1) we meet different stories of people in the hospitals — their struggles and their relationships. In each patient that the show introduced to us, we get a glimpse of what their life is outside the hospital. The patients’ POV give us a story of hope, grief and love in just a short period of time. How amazing is that, right? For us viewers to sympathize and empathize to character’s that are not even the leads of the show is a smart way to tell a story which creates impact to its audience.

(2) every time we watch a medical Korean drama, the story focuses on either hospital politics or hospital jargons which is use to create conflict or hospital romance. What separates Hospital Playlist among them is that there’s no hospital politics at all. (If you remember in episode 1, I think the writer wants us to believe there’s going to be a politics conflict brewing up after the chairman died. Rosa — which is the dead chairman’s wife and Jong Su are good friends and it also seems like a betrayal’s about to ensue. It turns out that there’s no conflict at all between them and whoever’s going to be the chairman isn’t really the main interest of the show. Well played, show. Well, played). In summary, this is just a series that shows the life of normal beings without grandiose battle of who’s who. Just a normal story of normal people working on a hospital.

This show is just a healing drama to those who will watch it because all characters are endearing to watch. Every main character was given emphasis and no one is left behind. Jo Jung Seok is always amusing to watch (props to his comedic timing; who won’t forget the now-and-soon-to-be legendary Pick Me dance) and he has given life to his character Ik-Jun who is the Mr. Congeniality of the hospital. But it also shows that however hilarious and friendly he is, someone who always give advice to people, he is not exempted to the trials of life. At some point, there will always be hardship too and funny guy can also be serious and earnest (insert: being a father to U-Ju and that confession of love) I would also like to mention the bromance between Jun Wan and Jae Hak. Oh, these two! Helping each other out sincerely and quietly without too much drama. I adore watching their antics and banters and watching them learn from each other.

There are just so many little arcs to mention in this show and I would like to highlight all of them but this post will just get longer and longer. 😀

Last thing I want to mention is the budding love lines in this show. Personally, I root for Seok-Hyeong and Min-Ha together and they are my most favorite couple in the show. An introvert and extrovert? Oh, I would love how it would pan out and I’m sure there’s going to be lots of comical scenes if it will happen. I read some opinions about the love lines on this show discussing how the writer actually confuses its audience about who’s going to end up together with who; showing some signs of ships to sail only for it to crash in the end. eg. Reply 1988. And that there are some subtle signs of who’s the real love team of this show. Of course, everyone is into Song Hwa’s love line with Chi Hong and Ik Joon. For me, what Chi Hong has was a one-sided love and as much as I pity that likeness and sincerity to Song-Hwa, I just don’t think he is the right man for Song-Hwa. I’m not going to talk much with Ik-Joon x Song-Hwa budding romance but going back to the discussions I read (which is actually an unpopular opinion but I firmly believe with a good basis to back-up) Song-Hwa just doesn’t like Ik-Joon. We can formulate theories of the romance through different shots of the scenes eg. that night where Song-Hwa stayed in Ik-Joon’s apartment. There was this shot of the both of them outside the window with the pouring rain and as the scene ends they became blurry because of too much rain. With regards to Jeong-Won and Gyeo-Wool, well their scene in the last episode just gives us a room to be more excited of what story they will provide in season 2. I just think it’s too early to finalized all love interests in this show because a lot can happened in Season 2.

Can I just also mention the OST’s?! This is one of the best this show has offered me as well. This group of people who’ve withstand the test of time, forming a band and just singing their hearts out is definitely a highlight of the show for me. I think this is the first time in so many years where I love all of the OST’s in the drama. OSTs speak of their past, their present and their future and I just love it.

Overall, I enjoyed this show so much and it’s just weird that the last episode doesn’t feel like the last episode because their stories left a lot for a second season. Now, the agony is to wait for the S2 for a year!? Let’s see what’s going to happen about it.

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So this entry ended up with me making some flash reviews about the series that speaks volume to my heart. Well, it’s just so worthwhile to meet a good show that resonates deeply in my heart. I am not usually a fan of theories, though I welcome it, nor I have an eye for every detail. As I mentioned before, what grips my heart for a show to truly impress me is the storytelling of opening yourself to a wider perspective filled with emotions and reflection of your own self right after watching or reading it. For me, the downside of coming across this shows is it always leave a hallow feeling in my chest making me feel empty. Well, I want to believe that there’s an upside to this one too. Even though it leaves a space in my heart, it gives me a room to reassess myself and put more knowledge and feeling into it for me to learn more and get to know myself even better. I believe that this shows helped me go back to my inner core and just fully enjoy my own adventure even though I am stubborn and inconsistent in some of my ways.

And to everyone who will get to read this post, I hope you get to appreciate any form of storytelling (films, series, novels, poems) and whatever kind of storytelling you meet along the way, I hope it creates an impact to you and how you view this world.

Out of all the art I knew, it always boils down to the core which is the stories of life — hope and becoming, of tragedy and recovery, of yin and yang.

 

Wallow Wednesdays VIII

If there is one object or channel I have always been honest with, it is in this blog. I never hid my struggles in here; in fact, writing here is slowly making my mind and body heal. I’ve been in a constant tussle of starting a brand new spectacle of this life, but there were days that it’s just really hard to get by. It’s hard for me to accept the fact that I’m fated to stay here — in an unknown place I can’t name as well, and not there — in a different unknown place with lots of grander possibilities.

Sometimes I would see these people, already achieved better things in life, and feel a surge of insecurity as they embarked their dream life — grandiose places, bigger world to unravel and a whole new different trials to overcome in relation to their dream. I also dream of same things; but how come it’s hard for me to get there? Is it because at the back of my mind I still yearn for instant gratification? Is it because the best that I am exerting is not enough to achieve all of it? But what if it’s already fate that’s saying you, “not yet”. If it’s not yet, then when will it be? As Ariel sang in Little Mermaid, “When’s it my turn? Wouldn’t I love? Love to explore that shore up above. Out of the sea, wish I could be, Part of Your World.”

It’s so easy to say to a devastated person the lines, “Maybe it’s not yet the right time” or “Better things are in store for you” but to be honest, it’s just rubbing salt to the wound, and I am guilty of those actions as well. I’ve always stay in silence when a person, even close to mine, is struggling so hard. And even though I don’t mention it to them, at the back of my mind having the “faith mentality” will solve all those pain. Truth be told, it won’t change the circumstances of the person. And now, people are telling me to just hold on; but it’s hard. It’s hard to believe especially if everything’s just chaos and oblivion.

How do you even save yourself from all sorts of pain? The feeling of waking up in the morning and suddenly feeling the sorrow and defeat make my days so unbearable. There will be moments of lingering hope but suddenly will shatter once I realize the state that I’m still in. And maybe, cynical thoughts will quash once I come out of this situation. The question is: will I come out alive?

Japanese Dramas

As I am in the state of depression, I continuously indulge myself with doramas of Kimura Takuya. God, I just can’t stop talking about this actor. I have no plans of watching Beautiful Life anymore as I know the ending but my crazy impulse just found myself skimming every episode until I reached the end last night. And knowing the ending, it did not sort of leave a heavy impact to me. I believe that if I haven’t known how it ends, I’ll be in cryfest for days, atop with my emotional disaster. I am still controlling myself to watch Good Luck and Hero because I feel like I don’t deserve to have a drama marathon considering how messed up my life is and rewarding myself of the time to binge watch these dramas is a sin. I don’t deserve to squeal over dramas right now until I figure out an escape to the mess I’m in. And so, as much as I want to, let me pause my Takuya’s drama marathon for now until I got my shit together. I hope I can do this, though.

I am telling myself over and over again that consuming most of my time watching dramas is not making my emotional turmoil heal. I feel like I just need to make my time productive, even though I don’t know how.

Korean Dramas

I am in my ongoing watch of Touch your Heart and Romance is a Bonus Book, though I still haven’t watch this week’s episodes of the latter. I can’t help but compare the former with What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim, mostly because it has the same director and probably the drama is also based on manhwa (not sure with it though). Still, the show is feel-good and both main actors have this natural and explosive chemistry that you just want them to be together. I don’t have problems with the plot. As shallow or cliche it seems to be, I don’t care. I just want a fluffy drama to cover black spots in my chest.

Romance is a Bonus Book, on the other hand, is also a fluffy drama starring the fluff and cute that is Lee Jong Suk. Gosh, any drama with Lee Jong Suk in it is hypnotizing me to continue watching Kdramas. I love the conversations and dialogues presented in every episode especially towards the ending scene. I love the supporting characters. I love that they’re showing the struggles of publishing a book especially in an era where almost everything is digital. I love how it shows the different struggles of every character. I have soft spot with characters that are not shown to be perfect and have-it-all life.  Though I just don’t have the interest of watching the latest episode and I don’t know why. Okay. okay. I have to admit, I’m still in a Kimura Takuya drama hangover. Teehee.

I also had an interest with The Light in Your Eyes especially in the first two episodes. I can relate with the characters and how depressing their lives are, until the fantasy elements happened. It would’ve been a better drama for me if there’s no time jump that happened and the show just presented the struggles of the two main characters when it comes to their dreams and life as a whole plus the romance between them. Nam Joo Hyuk is slaying his character whereas Han Ji Min’s rocking hers. I must say their chemistry is palpable and I would love to see their journey both as couple and individual. The turnout of the succeeding episodes is personally not working for me and to be honest, I just want a simple slice-of-life drama that reflects my struggles too; no time jump. No fantasy.

Books

I’ve come to a fact that I haven’t read for a long period of time. The last book I read was To all the Boys I’ve Loved Before Trilogy and right after that, Life happened thus straying myself away from good books. Now, I just want to read again, preferably self-help books just so I can input some positivity in this pessimistic cloud circling in my head. I downloaded epub such as The Power of Now, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, and Persuasion by Jane Austen to name a few. I hope my perspective will change as I read this books and that not only knowledge but also certainty fills my mind as I delve into this books.

Back to Reality

Aaahhhh.. The feeling of being alive but is wallowed by sorrow is both agonizing and tremendously scarring my system. Right now, I want to believe that greater things are in store for me and that I should start fresh. It’s still hard for me to accept the fact that I had to go through it the hard way and that time and luck is never in my side all this time.

I want to start afresh and live with no expectations. No more dreaming big. But at the other side of spectrum, I want to push myself to the limits. I want to try harder and live farther in spite of suicidal thoughts (this is not alarming so dont worry. Im not brave enough to kill myself. lol).

I hope this time the Law of Attraction applies to me and I just attract the finer things in life and blind my sight to see others’ achievements. We all have our struggles, with some having achieved their dreams in life but is continually surviving in a grueling world, while others still trying to find their place in the world. I am not yet in a total healing as I still have thoughts of envy and jealousy towards others who have their shit together. But someday, I hope I can change the course of my life, without Someone telling me to do this and that; because the holy betrayal penetrates so deep I don’t think it’s gonna heal in a short period of time.

 

Korean Drama: Just Between Lovers

It’s 23:21 on my clock and I just recently finished this drama “Just Between Lovers”. To be honest, I don’t know why I decided to binge-watch this drama. All I know is that I want to watch a completed K-drama while waiting for Misty and Radio Romance’ new episodes to come out.

I already have a list of dramas to marathon in my mind and Just Between Lovers is not a part of it. However, I saw it was on the list of completed episodes and I started it without any hesitation (usually I would look up some reviews before I watch it.) Maybe it’s because I don’t have high expectations at all that I just found myself craving for the next episodes.

Some episodes are painful to watch that sometimes I ask myself, should I continue watching this? But I stayed. It’s because Ha Moon Soo and Lee Gang Doo’s story was hard to miss. There’s something about their characters, whether as individuals or a pair, that makes you wanna watch as how they deal with the greatest struggle of their life.

Forgive me as this entry might be very incohesive for I don’t really know what to say. All I know is that I’m feeling all sorts of emotions as soon as I reached the last scene of the last episode. I’ve cried bucket of tears for all the characters, for their hardships and milestones, for finding a reason to live after all the bullshits Life threw at them. I am not writing a review for this drama, I just want to let it all out. All characters are plain and simple human beings trying to survive in this world. I can’t think of any antagonists in this drama ‘coz everyone is hurting no matter how illogical or bad their intentions are.

I’ve learned through this drama to love my life and appreciate even the little moments because we’re only given one life. It doesn’t matter if we reached the highest ladder of success, what matters most is that we don’t forget what it really means to be a human – to love, to endure, to sacrifice, to live. The core of this drama is not just being in love with someone or how to forget the pain of the past. It’s about healing and loving and taking care of the people and things that matter the most.

I don’t know where this words will be headed to and I don’t want to talk about my favorite scenes or some plot holes. I just want to remember the feeling while watching it. It makes me have hope that true and authentic love is still attainable no matter how fucked up this world is right now. I want to remember the love between a child, a mother and a father, the love of some stranger you’ve met and becomes a family you want to protect, the love that is patient and kind, that will sacrifice everything for the sake of the other.

Humanity. Where does humanity takes us? Can we still consider ourselves loving to one another? Can we just wipe away all the sorrows with genuine love? How wonderful the world is if we just love one another.

Love. The main focus of this drama is love. Again, it has a formula of a cliche drama but the execution, the actors, the directors, they breath life to this drama. I hope they were able to get a lesson out of this that they’ll bring to their future productions.

Let me wallow this whirlwind of emotions for a while.

Spoiler ahead:

It’s a happy ending but the emotions this show gave me still lingers. The pain and the heartache still resonates. Wow, what an impact it gave me.

Watched this drama and brace yourselves and I hope that you’ll be able to reflect about the reality of life after watching Just Between Lovers.

NOTE:

Not edited and I hope I will be able to write a cohesive one tomorrow that I can post in Instagram. This underrated drama deserves more popularity.