Wallow Wednesdays VIII

If there is one object or channel I have always been honest with, it is in this blog. I never hid my struggles in here; in fact, writing here is slowly making my mind and body heal. I’ve been in a constant tussle of starting a brand new spectacle of this life, but there were days that it’s just really hard to get by. It’s hard for me to accept the fact that I’m fated to stay here — in an unknown place I can’t name as well, and not there — in a different unknown place with lots of grander possibilities.

Sometimes I would see these people, already achieved better things in life, and feel a surge of insecurity as they embarked their dream life — grandiose places, bigger world to unravel and a whole new different trials to overcome in relation to their dream. I also dream of same things; but how come it’s hard for me to get there? Is it because at the back of my mind I still yearn for instant gratification? Is it because the best that I am exerting is not enough to achieve all of it? But what if it’s already fate that’s saying you, “not yet”. If it’s not yet, then when will it be? As Ariel sang in Little Mermaid, “When’s it my turn? Wouldn’t I love? Love to explore that shore up above. Out of the sea, wish I could be, Part of Your World.”

It’s so easy to say to a devastated person the lines, “Maybe it’s not yet the right time” or “Better things are in store for you” but to be honest, it’s just rubbing salt to the wound, and I am guilty of those actions as well. I’ve always stay in silence when a person, even close to mine, is struggling so hard. And even though I don’t mention it to them, at the back of my mind having the “faith mentality” will solve all those pain. Truth be told, it won’t change the circumstances of the person. And now, people are telling me to just hold on; but it’s hard. It’s hard to believe especially if everything’s just chaos and oblivion.

How do you even save yourself from all sorts of pain? The feeling of waking up in the morning and suddenly feeling the sorrow and defeat make my days so unbearable. There will be moments of lingering hope but suddenly will shatter once I realize the state that I’m still in. And maybe, cynical thoughts will quash once I come out of this situation. The question is: will I come out alive?

Japanese Dramas

As I am in the state of depression, I continuously indulge myself with doramas of Kimura Takuya. God, I just can’t stop talking about this actor. I have no plans of watching Beautiful Life anymore as I know the ending but my crazy impulse just found myself skimming every episode until I reached the end last night. And knowing the ending, it did not sort of leave a heavy impact to me. I believe that if I haven’t known how it ends, I’ll be in cryfest for days, atop with my emotional disaster. I am still controlling myself to watch Good Luck and Hero because I feel like I don’t deserve to have a drama marathon considering how messed up my life is and rewarding myself of the time to binge watch these dramas is a sin. I don’t deserve to squeal over dramas right now until I figure out an escape to the mess I’m in. And so, as much as I want to, let me pause my Takuya’s drama marathon for now until I got my shit together. I hope I can do this, though.

I am telling myself over and over again that consuming most of my time watching dramas is not making my emotional turmoil heal. I feel like I just need to make my time productive, even though I don’t know how.

Korean Dramas

I am in my ongoing watch of Touch your Heart and Romance is a Bonus Book, though I still haven’t watch this week’s episodes of the latter. I can’t help but compare the former with What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim, mostly because it has the same director and probably the drama is also based on manhwa (not sure with it though). Still, the show is feel-good and both main actors have this natural and explosive chemistry that you just want them to be together. I don’t have problems with the plot. As shallow or cliche it seems to be, I don’t care. I just want a fluffy drama to cover black spots in my chest.

Romance is a Bonus Book, on the other hand, is also a fluffy drama starring the fluff and cute that is Lee Jong Suk. Gosh, any drama with Lee Jong Suk in it is hypnotizing me to continue watching Kdramas. I love the conversations and dialogues presented in every episode especially towards the ending scene. I love the supporting characters. I love that they’re showing the struggles of publishing a book especially in an era where almost everything is digital. I love how it shows the different struggles of every character. I have soft spot with characters that are not shown to be perfect and have-it-all life.  Though I just don’t have the interest of watching the latest episode and I don’t know why. Okay. okay. I have to admit, I’m still in a Kimura Takuya drama hangover. Teehee.

I also had an interest with The Light in Your Eyes especially in the first two episodes. I can relate with the characters and how depressing their lives are, until the fantasy elements happened. It would’ve been a better drama for me if there’s no time jump that happened and the show just presented the struggles of the two main characters when it comes to their dreams and life as a whole plus the romance between them. Nam Joo Hyuk is slaying his character whereas Han Ji Min’s rocking hers. I must say their chemistry is palpable and I would love to see their journey both as couple and individual. The turnout of the succeeding episodes is personally not working for me and to be honest, I just want a simple slice-of-life drama that reflects my struggles too; no time jump. No fantasy.

Books

I’ve come to a fact that I haven’t read for a long period of time. The last book I read was To all the Boys I’ve Loved Before Trilogy and right after that, Life happened thus straying myself away from good books. Now, I just want to read again, preferably self-help books just so I can input some positivity in this pessimistic cloud circling in my head. I downloaded epub such as The Power of Now, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, and Persuasion by Jane Austen to name a few. I hope my perspective will change as I read this books and that not only knowledge but also certainty fills my mind as I delve into this books.

Back to Reality

Aaahhhh.. The feeling of being alive but is wallowed by sorrow is both agonizing and tremendously scarring my system. Right now, I want to believe that greater things are in store for me and that I should start fresh. It’s still hard for me to accept the fact that I had to go through it the hard way and that time and luck is never in my side all this time.

I want to start afresh and live with no expectations. No more dreaming big. But at the other side of spectrum, I want to push myself to the limits. I want to try harder and live farther in spite of suicidal thoughts (this is not alarming so dont worry. Im not brave enough to kill myself. lol).

I hope this time the Law of Attraction applies to me and I just attract the finer things in life and blind my sight to see others’ achievements. We all have our struggles, with some having achieved their dreams in life but is continually surviving in a grueling world, while others still trying to find their place in the world. I am not yet in a total healing as I still have thoughts of envy and jealousy towards others who have their shit together. But someday, I hope I can change the course of my life, without Someone telling me to do this and that; because the holy betrayal penetrates so deep I don’t think it’s gonna heal in a short period of time.

 

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Korean Drama: Just Between Lovers

It’s 23:21 on my clock and I just recently finished this drama “Just Between Lovers”. To be honest, I don’t know why I decided to binge-watch this drama. All I know is that I want to watch a completed K-drama while waiting for Misty and Radio Romance’ new episodes to come out.

I already have a list of dramas to marathon in my mind and Just Between Lovers is not a part of it. However, I saw it was on the list of completed episodes and I started it without any hesitation (usually I would look up some reviews before I watch it.) Maybe it’s because I don’t have high expectations at all that I just found myself craving for the next episodes.

Some episodes are painful to watch that sometimes I ask myself, should I continue watching this? But I stayed. It’s because Ha Moon Soo and Lee Gang Doo’s story was hard to miss. There’s something about their characters, whether as individuals or a pair, that makes you wanna watch as how they deal with the greatest struggle of their life.

Forgive me as this entry might be very incohesive for I don’t really know what to say. All I know is that I’m feeling all sorts of emotions as soon as I reached the last scene of the last episode. I’ve cried bucket of tears for all the characters, for their hardships and milestones, for finding a reason to live after all the bullshits Life threw at them. I am not writing a review for this drama, I just want to let it all out. All characters are plain and simple human beings trying to survive in this world. I can’t think of any antagonists in this drama ‘coz everyone is hurting no matter how illogical or bad their intentions are.

I’ve learned through this drama to love my life and appreciate even the little moments because we’re only given one life. It doesn’t matter if we reached the highest ladder of success, what matters most is that we don’t forget what it really means to be a human – to love, to endure, to sacrifice, to live. The core of this drama is not just being in love with someone or how to forget the pain of the past. It’s about healing and loving and taking care of the people and things that matter the most.

I don’t know where this words will be headed to and I don’t want to talk about my favorite scenes or some plot holes. I just want to remember the feeling while watching it. It makes me have hope that true and authentic love is still attainable no matter how fucked up this world is right now. I want to remember the love between a child, a mother and a father, the love of some stranger you’ve met and becomes a family you want to protect, the love that is patient and kind, that will sacrifice everything for the sake of the other.

Humanity. Where does humanity takes us? Can we still consider ourselves loving to one another? Can we just wipe away all the sorrows with genuine love? How wonderful the world is if we just love one another.

Love. The main focus of this drama is love. Again, it has a formula of a cliche drama but the execution, the actors, the directors, they breath life to this drama. I hope they were able to get a lesson out of this that they’ll bring to their future productions.

Let me wallow this whirlwind of emotions for a while.

Spoiler ahead:

It’s a happy ending but the emotions this show gave me still lingers. The pain and the heartache still resonates. Wow, what an impact it gave me.

Watched this drama and brace yourselves and I hope that you’ll be able to reflect about the reality of life after watching Just Between Lovers.

NOTE:

Not edited and I hope I will be able to write a cohesive one tomorrow that I can post in Instagram. This underrated drama deserves more popularity.

 

Korean Drama: Because This Life is our First

Warning: The article might contains spoilers.

I’ve been in an on and off relationship with dramas this year. I have some fair share of dramas that I watched and most of it I liked but wasn’t able to find a new drama that could be included in my top ten all-time loved dramas. When While You Were Sleeping is nearing its premiere, I know that I’m on my way of loving K-dramas again. After all, I noticed dramas of Lee Jong Suk serves as a catalyst for me to be totally addicted with K-dramas (eg. I Hear Your Voice, Pinocchio, W-Two Worlds). I watched While You Were Sleeping and I love it but a different drama totally stole my heart.

I’ve heard Jung So Min’s new drama and utterly delighted because I really love her in My Father is Strange. But, but… I’m not that interested because I still have a hangover with her loveline with Lee Joon. And so my mind was truly excited for While You Were Sleeping.

 

Oh boy, was I so wrong.

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I tried watching with NO expectations at all. Not a total fan of Lee Min Ki and I just really watched because I want to see Jung So Min in a different drama,andI was a bit interested since cohabitation/marriage contract is one of the greatest drive for romance when it comes to K-dramas. Who doesn’t love this kind of plot, right? As cliche as it may seems, this kind of stories never gets old.

Because This Life is our First is a kind of food that is OKAY when you first taste it but as you devour each bite, you came to realize that IT WAS, OH SO, GOOD and kept you wanting for more. I didn’t even notice that I am loving every bit of the episode and I just found myself waiting for Tuesdays and Wednesdays to come fast so I can watch new episodes. It has a slice of life feel into it and the use of cliches felt more realistic as we watch all characters in their everyday life. You know, sometimes we just don’t notice it, but our own lives can be cliche as well. This is what I love about this drama. It mirrors reality. In one way or another, with the different situations happening in our life, we can relate to them; their pain, their agony, their happiness resembles of what could truly happen in real life.

All characters felt three-dimensional. They are like real people and not fictional characters. I always say this, I am drawn with any stories in which characters felt real; that they are real people out there, somewhere in an alternate universe, and we are lucky to have seen a glimpse of their life. We’re lucky to see their journey.

It’s not only the main characters who are interesting, even the side characters have their own story to tell. They have their bumpy roads in life. They have their dilemma. It’s really cool that they weren’t there to drive the main characters to be together; they also have their own story to tell and still was a great support for our main characters.

Just to give you a short synopsis of what the story is.. Yoon Ji Ho(Jung So Min) is an aspiring writer and as she reach 30, she is still an assistant writer of some makjang dramas. Life gets on her way and she realizes she needs a place that she can consider as home. She meets Nam Se Hee who needs a roommate so he can pay the mortgage of his house. Circumstances occur and so they decided to be under a marriage contract and started living together. Now, this is where their story truly began.

I am actually amazed as each episode goes by. It’s getting better and better. On the former episodes we only hear Ji Ho’s perspective and struggles under this marriage life but when the show started showing us Se Hee’s thoughts, I was totally sold with this OTP. I am bewitched, for lack of a better term. This drama is GOLD.

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screenshot (c) dramabeans

Personally, marriage is something that I’ve scratched off my list for quite a while now. That’s why as I watched the show and seeing Ji Ho slowly falling in love with Se Hee I just thought, oh no, girl, you just let yourself jump off the cliff! especially seeing how stoic Se Hee is when it comes to everything! But they just managed to slowly realize the good traits of one another and appreciates it. I love their relationship, whether as a tenant-landlord or as a fake couple to slowly being a real couple.

There’s still last two episode that will be airing this week *sobs* and I can’t wait for them to start a REAL relationship. I just really hope the writer is totally sober all throughout and give us a satisfying ending! Because this last two episodes might make or break it! Pleaseeee, writer-nim, we have high hopes!!

What I also love about this drama is how they handle different struggles of people in their 30s, which I must say not only for those who are in this age but also adulting as a whole! It’s just really hard to fully face a battle with Life ‘coz sometimes you don’t know what it’ll throw unto you. It’s full of surprises resulting to impulsive choices, wrong decisions and such.

This drama also has good conversations! I especially love conversations of Se Hee and Ji Ho and also the way they use literature to further explain their feelings (which ia a good thing since Ji Ho is a writer). The use of the novel, Room 19 and the movie, The Graduate as a use to drive the plot or for the characters to understand each other was really amazing for me.

These are some of the lines that touched me (and I’m editing it out to add more!):

“Words are born from people’s mouths and die in their ears. But some words don’t die They go into people’s hearts and survive.”

These was based on a poem (I forgot the title)

“The fact that someone comes to you

is actually a tremendous

thing.

Because he

and his past

and the present

and

also his future come with

him.

Because his life comes with

him.

It’s easily broken

and therefore could have

broken

the heart that comes.”

This one is my personal favorite:

“When I decided to follow my dream, I thought my life would be like walking through a dark tunnel. But I didn’t know it was going to be this dark. I didn’t know it was going to be this lonely.”

There are actually a lot of it! But these three are my favorites! Lots of good thoughts to ponder right there!

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I also love the friendship in this drama. The trio who’s always there for each other to talk about anything under the sun. It’s nice to have friends like that, who will cheer you on in times of trouble and accomplishment. Friends who will keep you sane when the going gets rough. And a friend who understands you at your weirdest personality (ehem, Ma Sang Goo 😅😂)

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To be honest, I’m not yet ready to say goodbye to this drama. Can you please give me a hundred episodes of this drama? ‘Coz I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of all the characters. My Tuesdays and Wednesdays won’t be the same anymore starting next week.

Everything about this drama is so damn good. Starting from the actors, who breathe life with the character they were given to them, to the drama’s attention to details, the OSTs (guys, listen to OSTs!! It’s really pleasing to the ears!!).

I think this just not enter the Top 10 of my most loved dramas, it automatically became the TOP 1 FAVORITE DRAMA OF ALL TIME.

If you love K-dramas and still not watching this, do yourselves a favor and watch this! This is a gem in dramaland! A lot of people are raving about this already!!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to rewatch all episodes again before the last two episodes air tonight and tomorrow!

 

 

Wallow Wednesdays V

Here I am again, with a tinge of hope sparkling as new days lies ahead. I’ve been wanting to  experience life to the fullest because for the last years I kept on controlling myself to achieve new heights, to discover that there are things that is worth celebrating and achieving even thought the world is full of mess. I hope this sense of urgency to live and love life won’t die any soon, because whenever I have this great feeling I always end up being down and weary on the following weeks.

Come fast, November, because I am willing to try another cabin crew recruitment at this local airline. I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.

I realized that I don’t need anyone to be my friend. I don’t need the approval of everyone. Slowly I am on my way of not giving a fuck of what everyone thinks of me. I am a certified people-pleaser and I don’t want to form arguments and fights with anyone or everyone. I am almost there. Just few more steps and hurdles; a little bit of practice then and there. Surely, I’m gonna master it.

I feel like I’m into taking the ladder of making my career successful. Right now, I’m not into focusing myself on finding a lover unlike other people in my age. If there will be, then fine but if there’s none, then it’s better as well. I don’t wanna rely my happiness to anyone. I want to be a whole person and I’m not yet ready to give half of it to someone else.

Books

I seriously want to read a book right now. I’m eyeing to read The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman but I can’t buy a copy because I’m broke. It seems like I just want to read Neil Gaiman’s novels  for now. I have a huge respect to this writer. Though I have to admit, American Gods wasn’t the right Neil Gaiman book for me. Nevertheless, I still felt its heart and soul. I felt emotions. And that’s what I like whenever I read a book or even watch series. More than the actions and the gripping scenes, more than its cinematography (which is a big plus point, still), I am more attracted to the story and how it builds up towards the end. I love seeing different characters and discovering their similarities with mine. I love finding out that we have the same dilemma and I love how they conquer everything that conflict throws away.

For some reason, more than the travelling stuff, I want to be more incline with arts now like watching a film and a theater play. I’ve been looking for someone for so many years to just engage in a very meaningful conversation and just talked about our thoughts when it comes to those film and plays we’ve watched. I’m gonna be lucky if that person watch K-dramas as well. Haha! I want to have someone like girlfriday of Dramabeans and just talked about it over some drinks. More than the satisfaction and entertaining factor, I want to talk about the story, characters and even plot holes. I want to talk about what was really good and what went wrong, its upside and downside. I just badly want someone whom I can talk with when it comes to this stuff ‘coz I’m really a fan of these type of art and entertainment.

New Perspective

Let me discover the good things in life one step at a time. Let me discover its rotten and ugly side too. Let me feel. Let me be happy and angry and sad. Let me hope. Let it spark alive. Let me live.

Wallow Wednesdays III

Nothing’s new in my life.

That’s why I opt not to write an entry last Wednesday. It’s been the same, old routine.

Same people. Same circumstances.

I don’t even know what to write for this week’s entry. I know no one’s forcing me to do this but I felt like I just need to let out these emotions and thoughts in my mind no matter how nonsensical it is.

Where do I start? Hmmm.. I stay true to my word; I stopped watching a lot of K-dramas. However, I’m currently watching Father is Strange right now. It’s my first time to watch a family weekend drama with 52 episodes. The drama is ongoing right now and it’s in episode 42 as of now. I’m in episode 22 and the show keeps getting better. I love that the whole siblings are having their own spotlight with their respective lives. Hye Young is my most favorite character! She just embodies the modern woman. Independent and classy. She doesn’t need any man to get what she wants. She knows how to fight for herself and for the people she loves. She’s successful and rational as well. Aahhhh.. I hope to be like her, to be honest.

I’m also enjoying Mi Young’s and Joong Hee’s blossoming friendship. I think the romance won’t be in full circle soon but I’ll just enjoy this subtle ride with the two characters until it lasts.

Overall, this is the kind of light drama that I need. It’s kind of impossible that the characters are connected with each other but I love how they addressed each problems that can possibly happen in real life. And for that, my heart is full and I’m all in with the shenanigans of this strange family.

Looks like I won’t be able to watch this theater play I’ve been eyeing for a month now. Ticket is just expensive and as always, I’m broke. Aside from that, I don’t have someone to watch with me. It sucks, but I need to prioritize what’s important.

I don’t really want to write about this “thing” so I won’t go into specifics. ‘Coz I think if I write everything about it, I’m admitting to myself that there is really something to worry about. I’m trying my best not to jump into that cliff and save myself so that I won’t get hurt. I just hate the fact that this person can see right through me and know what’s in my mind or how I live my life even though I’m not telling much. This person is not the right person to break my walls. I know I’ve been waiting for someone to unravel the different layers of my personality but that person can’t definitely be that someone. It’s just so complicated. I don’t want my heart to be swayed easily ‘coz this won’t definitely go anywhere. I know that my feelings won’t be reciprocated. So I just have to stop this. This is just a phase. This will be over soon.

I rarely talked about love life ‘coz I don’t have any. Ha ha! To be honest, I want to feel romance. I want to feel how it is to be loved and adored by someone. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach. However, I don’t think I can love someone. Just thinking about someone who’ll barge in my life makes me worrisome already. I’m just confusing. I want to feel the thrill of someone slowly knowing everything about me but at the same time I don’t want him to change the ways that I’ve been used to all my life. I’m just complicated. Sometimes it frustrates me too.

With that being said, I feel like I don’t have the right to be happy. I’m scared to feel happiness. Maybe it’s because I’ve never felt happiness in such a long time that whenever I’m slowly feeling it, my system can’t accept it. I don’t deserve to be joyful. I’m scared that if I’ll experience that genuine and deep happiness, a circumstance will just take it away from me. Come to think of it, I’ve never felt inner peace in such a long period of time. I’m always scared and worried. It’s hard for me to think and pursue what I want for the future ‘coz someone will take it away from me. I’m scared to discover new heights alone because I know it will be taken from me or because I don’t deserve it.

I don’t deserve to feel genuine happiness. I don’t deserve to have a decent and successful life. I don’t deserved to be loved. I don’t deserve to live my life to the fullest. Every positivity will always lead me to think of negativity. There is always a “but” in every hope.

Sadness is swallowing my system again.

This will be forever part of my life.