Wallow Wednesdays I

I started this day binge-watching episodes of Korean drama’s Lookout. I was still awake at 12am, in front of my laptop, feeling all sorts of emotions on what’s happening with the heroine and the gang. I just have to stopped around 3am because I really need to sleep. It’s dawn already and if I’ll continue, I might even see the sun rise.

Having still awake at midnight, I sorta did a salubong of Ji Chang Wook’s birthday. He’s 30 by now and set to enlist in the army after his ongoing drama, Suspicious Partner. He’s my oppa that I’m currently obssessed with; he’s even my wallpaper! I happened to watch some Running Man episodes yesterday with him as one of the guests, and, oh boy, he’s just so freaking adorkable! Park Bong Soo is real!

I woke up with the news that Song Joong Ki and Song Hye Kyo announced their marriage this October! I have to checked some sites to know if it’s legit, and it really is! There were speculations even before about them dating but I can’t believe it’s really true! Congratulations, SongSong couple! Now, I have this desire to rewatch Descendants of the Sun again!

Speaking of K-dramas, I just finished Circle: Two Worlds Connected last Monday (I also slept late because I have to finished it!) and it was superb! Too bad the drama is underrated. It doesn’t reach their expected ratings of 3%. Yeo Jin Gu is such a delight to watch! What a brilliant actor. And I’m also having a girl crush to the actress who portrayed Byul/Han Jung Yeon. Her acting delivery as Byul (alien) is just both creepy and lovely to watch. I love how the show did not left its core – love. It’s the driving force of everyone. The brother’s love for each other stays until the end of the episode. From the BETA project up to the Brave New World, they did not stop looking for each other because of love. They want Human B to end because they know that it’s better to keep the memories, even agonizing, than having no memories at all. I’m proud with Le Ho Soo’s redeeming moment. He just pissed me of big time during the former episodes. It’s good that he realizes his mistake at the end and help our team to find Woo-Jin. My favorite character is Lee Hyun Suk. If you read some former entry, I empathize characters like Hyun Suk. He’s will to live ended him to join the bad force. He’s too coward to leave Human B even though he knows it’s wrong. I feel you, bro. I feel you.

I’m dying to find some answers on who really Byul is and where she came from but they use that mystery as their ending to make viewers be more curious. Arrrggghhh, show. Why? Are you hinting a Season 2?

I think I have to stop talking about Circle by now. I shoulda make a separate post about it. Tee hee. But if you’re a lover of Kdramas, you have to watch this. It’s a rare gem in Kdramaland, I tell you!

Book

I’ve been dividing my little time binge-watching dramas and reading a new book, American Gods by Neil Gaiman. I’ve always feel like I’m in an adventure whenever I read Gaiman’s novels. I’m not yet in the mid-half of the novel but it’s slowly unraveling the mystery of the gods. I’m sort of knowing and understanding who’s Mr. Wednesday. I’m slowly falling in love with the book. I will always be amazed with Neil Gaiman’s writing style and the richness of his imaginations to come up with this kind of stories.

Other stuff

I’m financially unstable right now. It’s my fault for being this way. In my quest to enjoy this life, I’ve been indulging too much to expensive delight such as theater plays, which is such an expensive hobby. I have a lot of expenses lately but my salary is not cooperating. I realized that if you want to enjoy life greatly, you must have money! And a lots of it.

Work and Life

I’m having an utter delight with these korean kids at work. They’re four siblings – oppa, unni and an identical twin sisters. They’re all so adorable! I’ve been wanting to develop a relationship with these kids so whenever I got the chance I talk to them a lot. I find out that Twin A doesn’t want to go with unnie and Twin B. The way the story was told to me was just so kyeopta!

During the first quarter of the year, I’m dreading to go to work. That was the worst so far. I know I’m not that fond with work anymore but those months I was just really dragging my way to work. Add on the emotional turmoil of the events surrounding my life. However, things just went on 360 degrees. Work became my stress-reliever now. There’s still that lingering feeling of not going to work but once I’m there, I don’t feel the passing of time. I like talking to kids and knowing a little about them. Maybe part of the reason is I started liking the activities assigned to our team. Then there were the “korean kids” who are very cute and adorable. Work became a safe haven.

I’ll be trying another cabin crew recruitment this Saturday and I’m feeling nervous and lazy at the same time. I should give it a try. I let go of the opportunity last May that cause me to lurk around and be tired of everything. I never really know why I wanted this job so bad. Yeah, it was a promise. A part of the past. But it’s different now. I’m no longer the girl in the past. I’m a brand new person today yet I still want it. Well, not as much as before but I feel like I belong to that career. I feel like that job is for me. A lot of people are telling me that I look like a cabin crew and pushing me to try it but it’s not as easy as it seems. Being a cabin crew is like going through a needle. It’s not just about the looks but on how people see me. It’s about my personality. It’s about myself and how I interact with people. I realized that first impression lasts.

Having said that, I’m just glad that I am getting to know myself better. My flaws and all that. It’s just the middle of the year but 2017 is proving me that this is not my best year. There were lots of things that happened, personal and national. I’m just scared of everything. I’m scared of the future, of the decisions I chose. Sometimes this is the reason why I’m tired to live this life dilligently. Hope will fire up only for it to die down once I remember those dreading events. What’s the use of living the life if it will only lead to destruction? What’s the use of dreaming if it will only end?

I hope that there will be good news at the end of the week. I hope to live even if it’s hard. I hope to dream even if there’s still no light at the end of the tunnel. I hope to pursue grander things in life. I hope to find a different purpose. I hope. Hope. Even it’s just merely a word, but the intensity of the meaning, will always lead me to survive eagerly. ‘Coz this is what Life is all about. You pass through the calm waves only to find a storm. And once the storm is over, you rest in the serenity of the waves only for it to get bigger again until you meet another raging storm. Yes, life is a cycle. It’s a never-ending journey through the unknown.

And while I’m in it, might as well fight the raging storm and indulge through the calm waves. As the song say, let’s just dance through life.

 

PS. I have a lot of errands to do but I’m just so tired to get up. Geez. This laziness is consuming me.

Novel: It Ends with Us

Warning: Major Spoilers ahead

 

Okaaaaay.. I have such whirlwind emotions after reading this book. Everything just overwhelms me. The life of Lily amazes me and saddens me at the same time. I want to write a proper note with regards to this novel but I don’t even know how or where to start. This book just raised the bar higher amongst other novels of Colleen Hoover. I’m a fan of her novels. Though I’ve never read every novel she wrote, I’ve read most of it. And I love it. However, this novel is really something else. Probably because it’s based from an own experience or because this book teaches us a different side of love – the one that wasn’t tackle that much in romance novel.

I love Ryle. And for some reason I want Lily to forgive him. But then, I realized that it is also the right decision to let go of him even though there’s a chance of redemption for him. I suddenly imagined myself in Lily’s shoes and realized that if I were Lily I would badly want to escape from the relationship. Ryle’s remorse or regret would not necessarily change the fact that she physically abused Lily. No matter what mistake the other party did, it is never right to use physical stamina to hurt a woman.

On a different side of spectrum, I feel sad for Ryle as well. I believed she deeply loves Lily and that other side of him is something he can’t control as well. It’s so frustrating on his part that he can’t save himself in that situation. However, getting help from Lily is hard as well because it’s Lily’s life at stake. I just hope that even though it’s the end of the book already, on some alternate universe, he finds it in himself to heal whatever illness he’s encountering. I hope that he will find happiness on his own despite everything that happened. Every human has a right of redemption. No matter how big or small the mistake is, there is always room for a new beginnings.

Going back to Lily, you go girl! You’re strong enough to break free from a love that won’t do you any good in the long run. Yes, there are best memories; but you won’t be exchanging that best to the worst thing that can happen to you or to your daughter. It’s hard to let go of the man who have given you tinglies and butterflies, who’ve made you feel so many emotions, who’ve given you the best memories. But choosing to let go, not only for her sake but for her daughter’s sake as well, is a mark of a strong woman. Putting her daughter and herself in safety first, above anything else.

I’m sad that they did not end up together. But it teaches me to value myself as well before anything gets worse. I want to find a love where I can feel I am protected but then it is only me who can protect myself. And so, I want to embody a strong woman. A woman who values my worth and won’t let any man wrecked me. I know it’s too early to say that but I’m still hoping that I’ll be as strong as Lily. Ready to face all unsurmountable problems in all aspects of life.

PS. I’m still sad they did not end up together. 😦

 

Why

I have an old WordPress account which tackles more about spirituality and college experiences. It was doing good because I’m always updating blog posts full of inspirational words that I knew comes from my heart. It doesn’t have a lot of followers but knowing there are few people who got inspired with every post, it’s more than enough for me so I pushed through with it. Writing was an outlet I discovered way back college and I felt like I was good with it during that time. All the words left unsaid became an entry and it was always flooded with thoughts and emotions. Writing was a healing escape. Writing was a new found skill. Until life happens.

You know when the universe is trying to test your soul and character but because you’re still weak and fragile, you end up failing it. You failed every test and it became a snowball effect. Nothing good comes out of it afterwards. And probably that’s the thing that happened to me. I was so devastated and angry with life that I can’t manage to write wonderful words anymore. All I can think about was negativity and I felt like that was the end of me. It was a hard time. And every skill I acquired back then just vanished and escaped. That includes my capacity to write. To weave words and create an inspirational message out of it. I was lost. How can I write if I’m not in the zone? And so I stopped.

Then came a ray of sunlight again. Now I’m trying to rebuild everything that was lost. I’m trying to form a new me. Though still a bit lost and confused, I still need to survive this life and make the most out of it. Most of the time it still dawned on me how I was way back then. As I assess myself now, some traits never left. The character that I have learned through those years still remain that I don’t know if I should be happy or sad about it.

There are still hardships, of course. It’s just so vastly different. There were times that I’m still terrified of what might happen in the future but I’m just trying to erase it. I don’t want it to bother me at all. I don’t want it to be a hindrance of the life I’m slowly rebuilding. I don’t want it to have a negative effect on me.

I can say goodbye to the old me and say hello to a new life that lies ahead. It’s still full of uncertainty and I don’t know if I choose the right path. I want to know how it is to live in this kind of world. I want to know the flaws and beauty of it. I want to feel again.

And so I write. I write again. I wanna write again. To pour out these words. To flood this blog with happiness whenever a new episode of Kdrama comes out. To cry out words whenever I’m sad or worried. To bring out the fangirl inside of me. To share my ecstatic feeling whenever I see a different world that I used to know. To weave words again.

Maybe.. If I’ll write again. I can be healed. I can escape.