Wallow Wednesdays V

Here I am again, with a tinge of hope sparkling as new days lies ahead. I’ve been wanting to  experience life to the fullest because for the last years I kept on controlling myself to achieve new heights, to discover that there are things that is worth celebrating and achieving even thought the world is full of mess. I hope this sense of urgency to live and love life won’t die any soon, because whenever I have this great feeling I always end up being down and weary on the following weeks.

Come fast, November, because I am willing to try another cabin crew recruitment at this local airline. I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.

I realized that I don’t need anyone to be my friend. I don’t need the approval of everyone. Slowly I am on my way of not giving a fuck of what everyone thinks of me. I am a certified people-pleaser and I don’t want to form arguments and fights with anyone or everyone. I am almost there. Just few more steps and hurdles; a little bit of practice then and there. Surely, I’m gonna master it.

I feel like I’m into taking the ladder of making my career successful. Right now, I’m not into focusing myself on finding a lover unlike other people in my age. If there will be, then fine but if there’s none, then it’s better as well. I don’t wanna rely my happiness to anyone. I want to be a whole person and I’m not yet ready to give half of it to someone else.

Books

I seriously want to read a book right now. I’m eyeing to read The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman but I can’t buy a copy because I’m broke. It seems like I just want to read Neil Gaiman’s novels  for now. I have a huge respect to this writer. Though I have to admit, American Gods wasn’t the right Neil Gaiman book for me. Nevertheless, I still felt its heart and soul. I felt emotions. And that’s what I like whenever I read a book or even watch series. More than the actions and the gripping scenes, more than its cinematography (which is a big plus point, still), I am more attracted to the story and how it builds up towards the end. I love seeing different characters and discovering their similarities with mine. I love finding out that we have the same dilemma and I love how they conquer everything that conflict throws away.

For some reason, more than the travelling stuff, I want to be more incline with arts now like watching a film and a theater play. I’ve been looking for someone for so many years to just engage in a very meaningful conversation and just talked about our thoughts when it comes to those film and plays we’ve watched. I’m gonna be lucky if that person watch K-dramas as well. Haha! I want to have someone like girlfriday of Dramabeans and just talked about it over some drinks. More than the satisfaction and entertaining factor, I want to talk about the story, characters and even plot holes. I want to talk about what was really good and what went wrong, its upside and downside. I just badly want someone whom I can talk with when it comes to this stuff ‘coz I’m really a fan of these type of art and entertainment.

New Perspective

Let me discover the good things in life one step at a time. Let me discover its rotten and ugly side too. Let me feel. Let me be happy and angry and sad. Let me hope. Let it spark alive. Let me live.

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Wallow Wednesdays II

I rarely cry.

I cry whenever I watch a relatable scene in a drama that I’m watching or if I am sso much immersed in a novel that I’m reading. But crying because of life issues? That is really rare to happen.

If life keeps on frustrating me, I just want to cry it all but unfortunately no tears were coming out. It’s hard for me to cry. I don’t cry easily.

Last night was one of those few moments wherein I just burst it all out and cry nonstop.

This week wasn’t a good week. Funny how I’ve shown positivity on my last week’s post but ended up getting disappointed and frustrated at myself, even at life.

First, I didn’t attend the cabin crew recruitment. Major reason was I’m just so lazy about going in the venue. I’m living in the countryside and I’m on a vacation from work but I’m just so tired to work on CV and outfits for the recruitment. In other words, I don’t have motivation. To be honest, I’m not sure if I still want this job badly. I feel like the only reason I wanted this is because I’m fit for this job, or I don’t have anything that I’m good at and my physical appearance fits the role of a cabin crew (as anyone will always tell me). So I taught, that maybe, this is the job that I can do. The problem is that I don’t have the motivation to go out there, let these recruiters scrutinize me from head to toe and decide if they’ll accept me or not. I want the easiest way to get the job. I don’t want to suffer anymore and accept rejections all the time. I’ve been trying for four times already and even in the first round, which is the physical test, I can’t even pass.

Yeah, yeah. The reason is because I don’t have confidence and I do not believe in myself. Maybe I have to badly want this first so that I’ll do anything just to get it. The funny thing was that, in my height of badly wanting to be a cabin crew, whenever I go to a recruitment, when I’m already standing in front of everyone, the confidence that I’ve mustered and collected just vanished in an instant.

I’m having second thoughts about this career. I’m just feeling demotivated especially with what’s haunting in my life right now. I am being haunted by the past. I just want to normally live this life and be like everyone else. Why do I have to be reminded by that stupid prophecy all the time? What’s even worse is that I’m letting it affect my whole system and just feeling like a scaredy cat!

Going back, now I’m planning to go to that airline company and have a walk-in interview because I’ve neglected going in their cabin crew recruitment twice. I even go on a vacation leave just for the recruitment but I’m always not going. But then, all are just plans; there’s no action and execution. I’ll plan to go and be hopeful but if that day comes every positive attitude is gone in an instant to the point that I won’t just go anymore.

Second, maybe this is just a hormonal issue and I might have my period on the following days. This is just a hunch but my emotions are becoming so magnify when I’m nearing that time of the month. So if I’m feeling agitated or frustrated or extremely sad, that’s my signal that I’ll be having my period already. I think this could be one of the reasons of this sudden change of mood ‘coz I am extremely hopeful and dreamy last week and now, it’s all gone.

Third, I’m having family issues that I can’t even (or I chose not to) let out in my system. I can’t/don’t even want to talk nor write about this. It’s a very sensitive topic and I just want to think that nothing serious is happening but I’m aware that it’s been going on for years now.

I’m depressed and I just don’t want to live anymore. I don’t want to die; I want to sleep forever. I want to be numb and I don’t want to have emotions. I even wish I have amnesia just so I can remove all these memories and start with a clean slate. I suddenly remember the premise of Circle. If removing memories will help cure people then be it. Now I want my memories to be remove minus the Human B having a copy of my memory! I don’t want to be in this pain and agony all my life.

This is how I am broken right now.

On to the good stuff….

After this I’ll be watching the last four episodes of Lookout. I just hope all will be well with our Lookout squad and just please let that bitch attorney’s son suffer. I loathe him the most out of all the villains. If he doesn’t have an ounce of resentment with what he’s done, he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. It’s the same with Seung Ro.

I’ll just watch the last two episodes of Suspicious Partner as well (I think it’ll end this week) and then I might hibernate in the world of K-dramas. I don’t know. This season I’ve watched a lot of ongoing dramas (four dramas are a lot for me) and I feel like I just need to take a break. I’ve lost my interest with Fight my Way and still not in the mood to watch the last four episodes. I’m gonna focus my time finishing American Gods (w/c I wasn’t even able to hold this whole week!) or watch/rewatch Ji Chang Wook’s dramas after his enlistment. My Wookie side of heart is slowly dying. 😭😭 He’ll be gone for two years! How will I handle that?!

BUT!

If there is a drama that piques my interest, then I might watch it. My competitive side doesn’t want to lose to those Kdrama watchers (esp the new ones) since K-dramas are quite a hit now and everyone watches and I don’t want to be left behind. I think that’s the reason why I watch almost all ongoing dramas right now. However, I’m not tailored for that kind of drama watching. From now on, I’ll go back to what I always do in watching Kdramas. I’ll watch what I think is good and enjoyable and stick to it; no need to force myself to watch a drama just because it’s popular and everyone’s raving about it.

Getting ready for this week

I’m still feeling hallow and tired about everything. I don’t even want to go to work tomorrow. Just thinking about it is making me feel dreadful. So I’m not gonna expect something positive to happen ‘coz the last time I did that nothing good happens. So I won’t be expectant and make every tomorrow surprise me of what’s gonna happen.

Hey, that’s a good mantra right now, isn’t it?