Letter of a Sensitive Soul

I’m not really sure if I’m sensitive all along and I’m just finding it out now, or the sensitivity sprewed out because of all the national and personal crisis I’ve gone through ever since this year started.

On the first quarter of the year, I’m still trying to contain the sanity and still forcing myself to believe that everything’s going to be better even though my gut feel states otherwise.

Then, the next quarter of the year exploded and now everyone of us is affected by this disaster. The weakling that I am is still mortified that the life that I’m slowly building fresh from its mess is now back to zero.

I’m a mess all over again.

Around March, I’ve been trying to make connections with people hoping that somehow it’s going to ease the pain that I’m feeling. I’m looking for support system. Though I didn’t really tell it to people directly, but yes, I want attention. I want to be noticed; I don’t want to feel the loneliness that is slowly creeping up in my system. There are some people who really listened. Then some, in whom I didn’t really felt that deep concern. I don’t want to be too selfish, you know. Everyone has their own life and the world doesn’t revolve around me. But there are just times wherein you want to gain support from the people—especially to those you expect to be there—only to get disappointed. I don’t blame them. Everyone has their own battles to face. And adding my battle to theirs is just unfair for them. 

And so I realized I’ve had enough. I’m always the one to ask, to make the first move. Now, I’m over and done. If they won’t communicate then that’s fine at all. I won’t approach anymore. I’m just tired of expecting too much from people.

To be honest, I’m at fault as well. I am the kind of person who burn bridges not because I don’t like them anymore but because when depression and anxiety dominates me, I’m starting to form my own little shell and just stay away from the world. That includes the closest of friends. I don’t tell them; I just do it. In a snap, I’ll be gone in their lives. They will not hear anything from me. I’ve been like this ever since teenager. And that’s probably the reason why I didn’t have childhood friends. 

I’m always sensitive when it comes to the attention. I don’t directly tell the person I need them everytime I’m in my low points of life. But when sorrow consumes me, I always feel neglected everytime I am not being noticed even in the slightest attention I made. Not responding to my chats? Sensitive. Not responding to my posts? Sensitive. Therefore, good riddance.

I guess that is and will be my toxic trait. When I get tired, I just leave. No more explanation. I won’t be initiating a conversation ever again unless you started one. If I get annoyed at you for not being there for me when I need you the most, I won’t hesitate to stop caring for you anymore. I will quietly get out of your life and won’t come back. 

Yes, you can call me a bitch or whatsoever.

But I hope I can also ask even just a little empathy. That I am also a person who needs to be checked from time to time. I am not strong all the time. I don’t even ask you to listen to my problems. I just want you to be there, sincerely. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Destruct and Disrupt

It starting to get tiring again. 

Endless cycles of wanting and searching, 

of trying and hoping, 

of planning and pretending. 

The joy is nowhere out of sight. 

The gladness is empty. 

The heart is sulking.

The last days of Her life 

to prepare for the death. 

It’s the ode to a farewell.

Her is done.

Her is gone.

The moments Her tried to relive, but mind is all blank.

The laughter Her tried to replicate, but lips is sealed.

The panic is Her sanctuary. 

The anxiety is Her hobby.

The excruciating pain becomes

An everyday part of Her.

The numbness and the guilt 

stays within Her.

Her tried to find answers.

Questions are within reach.

Her buried the answer.

Agony is Her friend.

Sensitivity is Her lust.

People? What is that?

Her is done begging for love.

The darkness is Her home.

The light must stay away from Her.

Someone is in hold of Her heart.

Torturing, breaking it into pieces.

Oh, how lovely it was. 

The pain makes Her smile.

Stop. Don’t do anything.

Will you even keep on trying?

Nothing happens even if Her give everything.

The world is not Her home.

The silence is Her home.

Her, close your eyes.

It’s time to let it go.

There’s no point in saving what was already dead.

Her, it’s time to go home.

Her don’t belong here.

Dark, come, embrace Her being.

Her is ready.

So long, farewell, it’s time to go.

The Catastrophe of the Mind

It was supposed to be a normal Sunday afternoon for her — lying down on the bed while browsing her social media accounts as if there’s something thoroughly interesting on her News Feed and timeline. The neighborhood is blasting old songs that makes her feel plethora of emotions. The songs are her jam. The songs brings her back to her youth—the dreamer she once was and now is out of sight.

“Are you going to stay inside? It’s time to go out now.” her housemate knocked on her door and makes a futile attempt to get her out of the Main Room. She felt a sense of concern coming from her roommate and was about to feel a foreign sensation so she immediately brushed it off.

She’s been staying inside her Main Room for three centuries now. This place is her sanctuary. She has comfort, peace and nonchalance everytime she’s in the Main Room. On her first month, she tried to go out but the tranquility that she is trying to protect instantly vanish as soon as she go out. It was chaos everywhere in the House. The Living Room is so filthy that all kinds of insects reside on the sofa, on the table and even on the appliances. She ran to the Kitchen so she can be safe as the insects notice her presence and tried to eat her, but the kitchen is not safe as well. A small fire that came on the stove slowly becomes gigantic right in front of her eyes and is about to devour her. It was suffocating but she managed to get out. She didn’t even notice the tears that keeps on falling off her eyes because the sight of what was going on is frightening. She wants to go back to her Main Room but it was too hard to do. The House is slowly being infected by doom and disaster. Constant fear made a home in her heart and it made her mental state in the brink of insanity. She looked for her housemate to ask for help. She keeps on screaming for her name. The housemate respond but that was just it. No help came from her. As it turns out, her housemate is in the Bathroom, being sucked by the toilet-like-monster, screaming and crying for help. But she cannot come closer to the Bathroom. There’s so many insects in front of her waiting for her to move. 

The sight and scenario she had gone through when she was out is such a terror that she vows not to get out of her Main Room again.

“I will never go out of again.” she mustered. 

She stayed in her Main Room until the present time. Her housemate was safe from the monster in the Bathroom. She decided to checked up on her but she was too scared of the outside. She is still distress because of the House especially when she found out that the chaos haven’t stopped. It stayed there.

My housemate keeps on knocking. “It is better outside now. The insects are slowly dying and there’s no more fire in the Kitchen.” she said, trying to woo her to go out.

“I don’t feel safe anymore in the House. I only feel safe in my Main Room. I will never get out of here.” she replied to her housemate.

“You have to come out because it’s not what you think of anymore. The House is safe now. It just keeps on getting better and better.” 

“I don’t believe you. Just leave me alone!” she shouted.

The music from her neighborhood is gone. The voice of her housemate is gone. It is just her all alone again and the voices in her mind. “Just don’t do anything. Just stay still. The Main Room is the haven. The Mind is the King. You are being protected from the malicious monster that is roaming in your House.” The words started to rumble like a woe of echoes repeatedly circling inside her mind.

Tranquility is friend.

Chaos is enemy.

Serene is the Main Room.

Destruction is the House.

Listen to the voices—it’s your breeze in the dark.

Trust no one—they are despair out of the light.

Stay in the Main Room and never get out. One does not know what is currently happening in the House. Be lost in your universe. Be joyful in the alternative. 

Yes, that’s right.

Stay, don’t go out.

Be forever in the cosmos that is made perfectly for you.

Wallow Wednesdays XII

What am I up to in this two months of Isolation?

Nothing totally productive or worth earning money. First, I momentarily forgot everything about him in those one month and became so busy watching series, documentaries, podcasts and anything else. I am actually wondering right now how fast yet so slow this past months had been. And in those months, I succumbed myself to temporary pleasures but isn’t really striking my soul to the point I have to take action and just do something worthwhile. Good thing I’ve chanced upon shows that makes me re-evaluate life itself and forget the reality for the meantime.

Hunter X Hunter

I remembered I was looking for a good show and then stumbled upon Hunter x Hunter. It was probably the best show I’ve watched this season and I just bawled my eyes crying in some of the episodes. I was so enthralled with the friendship of the characters — especially Gon and Killua. I always have a soft spot to stories of adventure together with someone, whether romantic interest, friends or families, and just growing together and discovering what to do in life. That last scene in the last episode of the last season (lol.. the construction of this sentence is just so redundant) is just so heartfelt for me that I can’t help but cry. Farewell for me is just something so bittersweet especially if you have to part ways with people whom you’ve shared memories and has been an audience of each other towards character development, every triumph and lost, every bad choices and good ones. It’s inevitable for Gon and Killua to part ways because at the end of the day, they are both individuals who have their own purpose in life and there are just some seasons in life where you have to go through it without your best friend or family.

 

Each season presented different arcs and stories of growth, redemption, revenge, to name a few. However, all I can say is I enjoy every part of it, both filler and main episodes. I enjoyed the Heavens Arena Arc and I just want to give a shoutout to Hisoka because he is actually my favorite villain (or not!) in this anime. Chimera Ants Arc is kind of a slowburn to me at first but during the mid and its final episodes it sort of gave me this deconstructed idea of who’s good and evil. I’ve read a lot of interpretations regarding this arc and how it shouts humanism all over it and I’m just glad to say how profound those interpretations. A lot of characters died in this arc (which is so dear to me) that is why this is the most emotional arc for me and I’ve cried tons of it. There’s this one character who died (I won’t tell who to prevent spoilers) that truly resonate with me; and like all these characters who are close to him/her, I grieve together with them. It was just a painful watch for me and the menacing result that was born out of that grief is somehow doleful for me.

Hisoka MOROW | Anime-Planet

Review: Hunter x Hunter - Chimera Ant Arc | Anime Amino

Overall, this show has managed to capture my heart and I’m sad that there’s a blurry chance we get to see how it ends for the characters. However, the anime wrapped it up beautifully and I truly enjoyed the roller-coaster adventures of all characters.

Hospital Playlist

Next to my watch list was Hospital Playlist which wrapped up its first season last week. This is the kind of show that I didn’t fully realize just grew in my heart and when I finally realize how good it is, I just start to care for every aspect of the storytelling. I started this show with no expectations and what caught me to watch it was some of my favorite actors are in it. I am not a fan of Reply Series (I just can’t understand why I can’t bring myself to love the show even though every time I watch some episodes, it gives a nostalgic and healing factor to me) but with good credentials of the writer-PD tandem, I give this show a try. At first, the rumblings and chaos in the hospital looks realistic for me and the first episode got me confused on what’s going to be the plot of this series. It actually gave me a bored feel to it because one episode is just too long for me. However, I think it was on episode 6 or 7 where I realized how this show just wants to give a story of friendship, love and life of normal people trying to make ends meet through a hospital setting. I think it was a smart choice to use the hospital setting because:

(1) we meet different stories of people in the hospitals — their struggles and their relationships. In each patient that the show introduced to us, we get a glimpse of what their life is outside the hospital. The patients’ POV give us a story of hope, grief and love in just a short period of time. How amazing is that, right? For us viewers to sympathize and empathize to character’s that are not even the leads of the show is a smart way to tell a story which creates impact to its audience.

(2) every time we watch a medical Korean drama, the story focuses on either hospital politics or hospital jargons which is use to create conflict or hospital romance. What separates Hospital Playlist among them is that there’s no hospital politics at all. (If you remember in episode 1, I think the writer wants us to believe there’s going to be a politics conflict brewing up after the chairman died. Rosa — which is the dead chairman’s wife and Jong Su are good friends and it also seems like a betrayal’s about to ensue. It turns out that there’s no conflict at all between them and whoever’s going to be the chairman isn’t really the main interest of the show. Well played, show. Well, played). In summary, this is just a series that shows the life of normal beings without grandiose battle of who’s who. Just a normal story of normal people working on a hospital.

5 Reasons To Start Watching The New Wholesome K-Drama “Hospital ...

This show is just a healing drama to those who will watch it because all characters are endearing to watch. Every main character was given emphasis and no one is left behind. Jo Jung Seok is always amusing to watch (props to his comedic timing; who won’t forget the now-and-soon-to-be legendary Pick Me dance) and he has given life to his character Ik-Jun who is the Mr. Congeniality of the hospital. But it also shows that however hilarious and friendly he is, someone who always give advice to people, he is not exempted to the trials of life. At some point, there will always be hardship too and funny guy can also be serious and earnest (insert: being a father to U-Ju and that confession of love) I would also like to mention the bromance between Jun Wan and Jae Hak. Oh, these two! Helping each other out sincerely and quietly without too much drama. I adore watching their antics and banters and watching them learn from each other.

There are just so many little arcs to mention in this show and I would like to highlight all of them but this post will just get longer and longer. 😀

Last thing I want to mention is the budding love lines in this show. Personally, I root for Seok-Hyeong and Min-Ha together and they are my most favorite couple in the show. An introvert and extrovert? Oh, I would love how it would pan out and I’m sure there’s going to be lots of comical scenes if it will happen. I read some opinions about the love lines on this show discussing how the writer actually confuses its audience about who’s going to end up together with who; showing some signs of ships to sail only for it to crash in the end. eg. Reply 1988. And that there are some subtle signs of who’s the real love team of this show. Of course, everyone is into Song Hwa’s love line with Chi Hong and Ik Joon. For me, what Chi Hong has was a one-sided love and as much as I pity that likeness and sincerity to Song-Hwa, I just don’t think he is the right man for Song-Hwa. I’m not going to talk much with Ik-Joon x Song-Hwa budding romance but going back to the discussions I read (which is actually an unpopular opinion but I firmly believe with a good basis to back-up) Song-Hwa just doesn’t like Ik-Joon. We can formulate theories of the romance through different shots of the scenes eg. that night where Song-Hwa stayed in Ik-Joon’s apartment. There was this shot of the both of them outside the window with the pouring rain and as the scene ends they became blurry because of too much rain. With regards to Jeong-Won and Gyeo-Wool, well their scene in the last episode just gives us a room to be more excited of what story they will provide in season 2. I just think it’s too early to finalized all love interests in this show because a lot can happened in Season 2.

Hospital Playlist' gains traction in terms of buzz, TV ratings

Can I just also mention the OST’s?! This is one of the best this show has offered me as well. This group of people who’ve withstand the test of time, forming a band and just singing their hearts out is definitely a highlight of the show for me. I think this is the first time in so many years where I love all of the OST’s in the drama. OSTs speak of their past, their present and their future and I just love it.

Overall, I enjoyed this show so much and it’s just weird that the last episode doesn’t feel like the last episode because their stories left a lot for a second season. Now, the agony is to wait for the S2 for a year!? Let’s see what’s going to happen about it.

So this entry ended up with me making some flash reviews about the series that speaks volume to my heart. Well, it’s just so worthwhile to meet a good show that resonates deeply in my heart. I am not usually a fan of theories, though I welcome it, nor I have an eye for every detail. As I mentioned before, what grips my heart for a show to truly impress me is the storytelling of opening yourself to a wider perspective filled with emotions and reflection of your own self right after watching or reading it. For me, the downside of coming across this shows is it always leave a hallow feeling in my chest making me feel empty. Well, I want to believe that there’s an upside to this one too. Even though it leaves a space in my heart, it gives me a room to reassess myself and put more knowledge and feeling into it for me to learn more and get to know myself even better. I believe that this shows helped me go back to my inner core and just fully enjoy my own adventure even though I am stubborn and inconsistent in some of my ways.

And to everyone who will get to read this post, I hope you get to appreciate any form of storytelling (films, series, novels, poems) and whatever kind of storytelling you meet along the way, I hope it creates an impact to you and how you view this world.

Out of all the art I knew, it always boils down to the core which is the stories of life — hope and becoming, of tragedy and recovery, of yin and yang.

 

Words of A Mundane: Deadline

I’ve been itching to write my thoughts for quite some days now and reading all those past posts made me wonder how am I able to write all those words? I feel like I am just really good expressing myself in writing rather than in speaking for every time I read my thoughts through this blog, I get to know myself and understand my inner core. I guess at some point, even I can’t just really fully comprehend myself.

So what do I want to write specifically? To be honest, I’m not sure as well. I’m lost and in a daze and I just don’t what to do.  It’s been two months since I came back home from the ship and up to now I didn’t really have any specific plans on what I should do next. I’m lost in my own trance and motivation is not within my reach. I have plans but I don’t know how to start. I have ideas but I can’t just force myself to do it all. Funny thing is, amidst all this crazy mess, I am actually in peace on where I am right now. It feels so new to me. Yes, there are things that are really troublesome and worrying and most of the time it crossed my mind. However, I’m in my dilly-dally stage which, after pondering, I think is both dangerous and safe. Safe because worrying really harms mental health but at the same time, dangerous because I’m not doing anything to change my circumstances.

I guess all this reason is because I am not fully connected to my inner core. And here I am again, back at wandering, doubting and running away. Ever since I started working on the ship, I slowly lost control of who I should be. I feel like throughout the months in that place I became superficial and conceited. Yes, I’ve gained a new-found confidence but I believe it was born out of wrong roots; a root that can get easily withered because it has to be sprinkled with false and shallow admiration from other people. It’s hard to make a step without me knowing it is driven by my inner core — the core that I trusted the most but keeps on neglecting every time I see something elegant on the outside but rotten on the inside.

I remembered this passage that I’ve come across a year ago. It’s about someone who was entrusted with everything and because of that he was put in the highest position to serve others. But because of being on that position, he became proud of himself, even got envious of others. He was reminded and warned of his dubious action but remained the same. As a result, everything he had was taken away from him because he did not acknowledge the source of his riches and power and he did not take care properly of what was given to him. I feel like it mirrors what is happening to me right now. I was a nobody but became somebody. I think I didn’t just notice it but I became proud of what I have at some point and forgot the real reason why I was given that blessing in the first place. It is probably the reason why the Giver had even use a pandemic to revoke what I have in order for me to come to my senses. But then, it was tougher than I thought it would be. A year, as fast as it may seem to be, changed me a lot. And I know nothing is impossible but coming back to who I was back then is just harder to do. I am standing on a rock in the middle of a vast ocean and just being there is comfortable for me not to jump of to see what’s beneath it.

Why am I going through this again? I guess I just never learn. I always have to be disciplined in the hardest way for me to go back to my inner core. Another thing I’m thinking about this past few days was how I neglected this people who’s been with me when I have nothing. I feel like I’ve abandoned them somewhere in between and crawling back to them when I am back at the beginning is just too shameless of me.

The question to myself is: what should I do now? How will I bounce back? Is this post even making sense? With all these disorder and chaos happening around us, is it even possible to go back? I feel like going back to the core is harder and harder with this isolation happening to everyone. I feel like it’s left with me making the decision to myself. Sometimes I feel like going back but distractions kept coming through. I am actually confuse right now. Is being at peace to myself a good or a bad thing?

Day 69 of isolation

Here I am back to the beginning.. being punished and discipline for being adamant and conceited.

Here I am lost and out of control.. wanting to be productive but ending up becoming hot or cold in making decisions.

Here I am numb and dumb.. going back to someone who I loathed and despised.

Here I am.. seeing all this chaos and knew that deadline is getting nearer but still have the audacity to choose myself over the savior.