Where does Life will take me?

I don’t know what happened.. It just happened. Without any warnings. Bad decisions one after another. Then I just found myself having this kind of life. I actually don’t know what to feel. ‘Coz it feels like I’m a totally different person now haunted by my past life.

I was so depressed the last time I remember. Then I found an escape route to avoid more heartaches. This time I feel like I’m free yet still imprison. Sounds ironic, right? Yeah, maybe my life is planned to be ironic. The plan for my life is a disaster.

I have a job now. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing though. ‘Coz I was looking at some parts of myself and realized it was slowly fading. I am such a happy-go-lucky girl, full of humour and joy. I crack some jokes from time to time to my friends. I engage with deep conversations that is healing to one’s life and soul. Now, all I see is a void. A lost woman with no identity. I turned out to be this antisocial person who keeps quiet during group talks. I can’t even engage with them properly because it seems like I forgot how to. I just keep silent; most of the time thinking what have happened to me. This isn’t me before. But it is me now. And I unmindedly choose this way. The moment I ran away from my calling is the moment I threw away every ounce of beautiful things inside of me. I may be beautiful outside but my soul is purely black. With no sense of being. Just plain person with no more soul.

And, yeah, this is my life right now. Living inside of my comfort zone. Unsure of what life lies ahead. But surprisingly, I’m liking it. ‘Coz I felt like a real person. A human. Full of flaws, mistakes and uncertainty. This is how it shouldn’t be. But believing for something great in my life already died a long time ago. I just want to go with the flow. Although still fearing of the future, fearing for the prophecy, I’ll still go with the flow and see where this choice will lead me. Regret or reward will come soon so maybe I just have to prepare for it.

It’s been a long time since I last wrote something about myself. But writing keeps my soul awake. No matter how many grammar lapses I have in every paragraph, I still want to write. ‘Coz it’s my only cure. ‘Coz I’m bottling up all my emotions inside and I couldn’t think of any person to damp all my frustrations in life. How I miss writing. How I miss forming words while tapping my fingers to the keyboard. How I miss typing every word that comes in my mind no matter how random it is.

Going back to my life right now. I just want to ask myself if I’m happy. Am I happy? I think it’s such a hard question. ‘Coz maybe I’m happy but not to the point of being joyful. It’s a shallow kind of happy. Not the kind of happy that penetrates to the deepest of my soul. My mind is in ruckus right now.

Maybe I’ll just indulge myself with lots of K-dramas to heal my soul temporarily. Let me just escape, even for just two days. Just give me time to recharge myself and to go back to a life that is full of shenanigans.

Why

I have an old WordPress account which tackles more about spirituality and college experiences. It was doing good because I’m always updating blog posts full of inspirational words that I knew comes from my heart. It doesn’t have a lot of followers but knowing there are few people who got inspired with every post, it’s more than enough for me so I pushed through with it. Writing was an outlet I discovered way back college and I felt like I was good with it during that time. All the words left unsaid became an entry and it was always flooded with thoughts and emotions. Writing was a healing escape. Writing was a new found skill. Until life happens.

You know when the universe is trying to test your soul and character but because you’re still weak and fragile, you end up failing it. You failed every test and it became a snowball effect. Nothing good comes out of it afterwards. And probably that’s the thing that happened to me. I was so devastated and angry with life that I can’t manage to write wonderful words anymore. All I can think about was negativity and I felt like that was the end of me. It was a hard time. And every skill I acquired back then just vanished and escaped. That includes my capacity to write. To weave words and create an inspirational message out of it. I was lost. How can I write if I’m not in the zone? And so I stopped.

Then came a ray of sunlight again. Now I’m trying to rebuild everything that was lost. I’m trying to form a new me. Though still a bit lost and confused, I still need to survive this life and make the most out of it. Most of the time it still dawned on me how I was way back then. As I assess myself now, some traits never left. The character that I have learned through those years still remain that I don’t know if I should be happy or sad about it.

There are still hardships, of course. It’s just so vastly different. There were times that I’m still terrified of what might happen in the future but I’m just trying to erase it. I don’t want it to bother me at all. I don’t want it to be a hindrance of the life I’m slowly rebuilding. I don’t want it to have a negative effect on me.

I can say goodbye to the old me and say hello to a new life that lies ahead. It’s still full of uncertainty and I don’t know if I choose the right path. I want to know how it is to live in this kind of world. I want to know the flaws and beauty of it. I want to feel again.

And so I write. I write again. I wanna write again. To pour out these words. To flood this blog with happiness whenever a new episode of Kdrama comes out. To cry out words whenever I’m sad or worried. To bring out the fangirl inside of me. To share my ecstatic feeling whenever I see a different world that I used to know. To weave words again.

Maybe.. If I’ll write again. I can be healed. I can escape.