Soulful Sundays II

It was ,surprisingly, a fruitful week. I started the week with the training and thank god it’s over. I dreaded those three days (including the day I had to rent a room just so I can make it to the 4am call time the next day) of training. I even have to jump over that height for three times. I’m happy that I was able to surpass it but I opt not to do it again. I guess, I’ll have to do it in the next five years ‘coz jumping in that height is such a struggle for me. The highlight of my week is when I finally got to see Hamilton musical live. (YEES!!!!) I’m just disappointed of how far our seats were that I can barely see the faces and expressions of the actors. But I’m lucky enough that it was Rachelle Ann Go who performed as Eliza and I got to see her perform in her theater actress era. I love her and I love how light and positive her aura is. She is the kind of Christian woman I wanted to be. Just a woman full of faith, and that all she is getting is one answered prayer after another (tho I’m sure she has her fair share of struggles too). I love her life story — her positive aura, her story of success.

And then after those four days I became a bum again. I told myself I need some relaxation which I think got too much since I stopped doing yoga. But today, I finally got myself in the mat and now I can say I’m back on track. I’m proud of myself for showing up!

I rewatched Full House, a classic Kdrama hit that pioneered the romcom genre. And oh boy, I just love old classics. I mean, there are lots of things to judge, one of those are the characterizations, the conflicts, the flow of the story, but at the heart of it is the oozing and wholesome chemistry of the main couple. That it doesn’t need a kiss scene or too much skinship to evoke heart-fluttering scenes. Their bickering is a joy to watch and the subtle concerns with each other makes my heart skip a beat. And what’s more fun in rewatching Shows like this is that you just have to fast-forward to the scenes that you like and avoid those nonsensical conflicts just to prolong the show and you still understand how the story flows.. just because you’ve already rewatched a hundred times. I also started the first episode of Castaway Diva, and oh boy, what a heavy first episode it is! And I’m still not sure what to feel about the fact that writer or director is keeping who the main male lead will be probably because they’re gonna try to milk the love triangle again (just like what they did in Start Up) but this time trying to make things right just so the fanwars won’t be too much to the point that the other male actor will overshadow the “supposedly” male actor lead (and yes, this preference is from Start Up).

I’m not sure what to add anymore. I guess just the fact that I’m still getting anxiety or that this vacation reminds me of the past two years ago. The monsters of my past keep on haunting me and now I felt like this heaviness in my chest won’t go away. I guess this is how I’m gonna live this life — forever anxious, of anything that I could think of. My mind will always find something that will make me feel anxious. This mind won’t let me be at peace. I will always be bombarded with insecurities, fear and doubt. In return, it’s hard to live life. It’s hard to be at ease. But what can I do? I guess this runs in the blood. Both my parents are worrier and anxious. Maybe it’s a generational thing. Which is why I’m fascinated to meet people who are the opposite me, who sees life through rose-colored lens. These people who has simple dreams in life and is hardworking enough to make those dreams into reality. While I’m here, sluggish, passive and just living life day by day. They say I’m smart. But I’m just book smart. I just feel too much. I’m a person who tries to analyze things but is not the one to execute it. I’m still thankful where life is leading me.

I’m slowly in my quest of accepting myself. But I guess it’s gonna be a life-long process. I wonder if I already changed, which I think I am. I feel like I’m not the same person that I was years ago. How melancholic is it that I haven’t said goodbye to those versions of mine that is not there anymore. Or do I really changed? Or deep within is still the immature, indecisive me? How funny is it that even though I’ve went to different places I still am going back to the same place of anxiety and fear. I guess I need to relocate now. I need to live life somewhere else, not going back to my hometown. I need to go to a different place where memories of my past won’t haunt me down. I feel like my previous bad energy is lurking in this house that whenever I stay here, it consumes my system. I feel like if I’m here I will always go back to square one. And I don’t want that to happen anymore. I don’t wanna go back to that side of me that feels like a loser or inconsequential. I wanted change, a plot twist in this season of my life that I’m in. I want to move somewhere else. I want a different place which I can consider home. Universe, can you make that happen please? Higher being, can you make that happen please? God, can you make that happen please? Remove the roadblocks along the way. Remove the roadblocks that is in me that which is preventing me to reach my full potential, or to be in the place which I ought to be. Relocating to a different country? Bring it on! I hope to live in a different country. That has always been a dream of mine. To live and grow old in a place that is not the house in which I grew up. Let me live a different kind of life now. Let me go somewhere else that I can consider as home. This is a new dream of mine. To live somewhere else, to have a job that sustains my lifestyle, to go somewhere else away from the struggles of commuting (commuting is hell in Manila), somewhere safe and peaceful. (Maybe Canada or New Zealand?) Let me still work in the ship to fund this dream of mine and let me go somewhere else now. To start a brand new chapter of my life. This… is a new dream of mine. Let my wings fly. Let me be a full-grown butterfly.

Soulful Sundays I

The date is October 22, 2023. It’s 3:03 in the afternoon. My anxiety is slowly eating up my system once again. Six months from now and I’m gonna exit this twentysomething life of mine. As someone who’s always been in tune with my emotions (especially the negative ones), I am fascinated whenever I see old entries of mine that I wrote, particularly those that are written during the height of my emotions — my insecurities, doubts, aspirations about life. I stumbled upon this website where I wrote fragments of my life. This blog is a big part of my twenties. And so I decided maybe I should write again. I am not as good of a writer now than before, coz heck how did all those word came out of this tiny brain of mine? There might be more grammar errors than ever but I guess it’s still alright? Maybe let’s try to continue writing here to complete this ode to my 20s. I’m actually thinking what should I do to celebrate my 30th life here on earth. Maybe this is one of those — to start writing again before I completely end my twenties’ season.

If you (a non-existent reader) happen to read entries in this blog, please don’t be misunderstood. For I wrote all my agonies and frustrations in life here, but that’s not to say all I had in life was downfall one after the other. I also had series of breakthroughs. Throughout my 20s, I was able to land a job where I can travel the world and bring out the child in me as part of the job requirement. Though I must say to get there was never an easy journey. Lots of problems with my documents, a world pandemic and a whole lotta more. And maybe that is why all those fears keep on resurfacing as I enter my “renewal of documents” season once again. There’s no problem with my employer. The problem is with my documents–my medical, training, my US Visa (which took a big toll in my life, the trauma it gave me is nothing but chaos in my heart). And now that’s what boggles me, what if same scenario happened again? What if the universe is trying to reroute my life’s direction again? If this all happen once again, how will I handle the aftermath?

But the other side of my mind is telling me why do I have to be anxious of something THAT HAVEN’T HAPPENED YET OR MORESO SOMETHING THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN? What if your mind is just making up worst scenarios due to the fear that you’ve experienced before? What if you’re not gonna move backwards anymore but forward this time? What if all those anxiety and fear is all in your head? What if everything’s gonna be alright and smooth-sailing? And no matter how rational all these are I still can’t help but get scared, coz it’s a high possibility, ‘coz I already have a bad record with them. I wanted to hold unto the promise the Lord made for me way back 2019 “that I will never experience a denied Visa ever again”. But that was before, when I still have the faith and belief of this certain God that was instilled in me; a lot of my Christian beliefs have changed now. So if I already have a different understanding of a higher being, of a higher power, does this promise still holds true? Should I still hold unto this? Should I still believe in these words?

I guess all I can do right now is to let this anxiety swim in my system but just making sure it won’t devour my whole being to the point of being paralyzed again. I guess I’ll just continue being anxious until the day that I can be free of this worry which is once I already got hold of the new visa. There’s nothing I can do to ease the fear for it’s the trauma that is speaking in me. It’s the previous worst experience that is preventing me from being completely fine. So what will I do? This is something that is out of my control. I’m gonna try to brush this aside and trust that the universe is on my side, trust that I will still be able to sign on next January in Panorama. Just please help me to not feed this fear all the more with scenarios that will make me more and more anxious.

To be honest, I have a lot of anxiety right now. The fact that I have a three-month vacation is making me scared that I’ll be penniless because of all the bills and financial responsibility. I also need to renew my Basic Training and I absent-mindedly enrolled in a training center where training will be held miles away from home. This is indecisiveness speaking again because I opted for a cheaper training and the one with earlier schedule but in the end I had to give time for it which I don’t want to do. My hope right now is to find silver lining in what happened here.

I’m also worried because I need to do medical again because it’s gonna expire next year and I’m still gonna be onboard that time. I’m worried that they might find something (my scoliosis is for sure a given, which I’ve longed accepted) that will delay everything again. Especially now that I’ve gotten used to drinking beer and I’m scared it took a toll in my health. But I stopped now (even though I’m craving for it even just one can of beer) until I finished my medical. Here’s to me hoping that all is well in my medical results.

If only I could turn back time, I wish I haven’t seen the post about that US Visa. It was because of that post why my anxiety was triggered. Everything is fine with me, my supposedly only concern is how long the process will take but because I read that post it opened a can of worms in me. It opened up the wounds of the past. My intuition is telling me that they might request for an appearance (due to my previous record which let’s just say, might appear sketchy to them, but I hope there’s gonna be a light touch to the consul who’ll review my ds160 and will not see anything wrong with my application) but my intuition is also telling me that everything is gonna be alright. But I just really hope I don’t need to have appearance anymore because that will make me really happy.

There you go… I’ve dumped all my thoughts once again and I kinda felt relieved in doing so. I guess I’m gonna end this post on why the title is Soulful Sunday.

Maybe this is the in-between of my 20s and my 30th. This is the transition phase, of a so close time, nearing the end of my 20s. I wanna record how my life will be in the remaining months of my twenties. I had victories that I haven’t shared in this blog, because I guess, I can only write whenever rotten emotions get the best of me. But I do have my breakthroughs. Thinking about it now there’s a lot to celebrate in my twenties. And those writings that I wrote before of how I wanted my life to be? Surprisingly, it happened. I was able to manifest those things that I just aspired to be before. I was able to travel, to meet new people and learn different culture. I was able to gain wisdom and widen my perspective about a lot of things. I was able to achieve all those things. And somehow I took all those experiences for granted and not until I read this blog that I pondered to myself, “wait a minute, everything that I wished to be before, is the trajectory of my life right now.”

And so I really hope I can still continue this job. I really hope all will be well with my Visa, in my medical, in all my documents. Because even though I only sleep most of my time in my cabin, and even though I have internal turmoil and doubts, or having hard time building relationships, or even though my principles are always tested, it is when in the ship I feel the most alive. Working in the ship makes me get to know myself better, assess myself and the insecurities I have with my job and with other people that are better than me. And I guess alongside the complacent me that is who I was during my 20s. Here’s something I want to achieve as I enter my 30s: to be brave, to be proactive, to be positive, that this time I will handle life better when it once again decided to throw lemons at me. That every time challenge or adversity occurs, I will not wallow with sadness or self-pity, but instead I will take action of whatever outcome of situations happened. I will not anymore be laid back but I need to take control of my life. As of now, I really do not have a set goal in mind of what I wanted to be (but I do know I want enough money to sustain living, which is a big reason why I want still want this job). Heck, I don’t even know what I really want to achieve. But I guess I’ll get there? Baby steps. And I will navigate life based on the present moment–filled with anxiety but also joy, of the unknown, of what will be.

Afterword

I always say I don’t want to get married, but deep inside I do. And my friend is right, the reason why I don’t want is because I’m scared. I can’t risk that the comfort that comes from being alone will be infiltrated by heartaches and sorrows. But I do, I want to love. (But being childless is still a want from me, I don’t want to bear a child). I want to feel the feeling of being wanted. I feel like I have so much overflowing love in me but I don’t have someone whom I can shower this love. I want to see a new side of me once I have a romantic interest. I hope I can experience a genuine and real love in this lifetime, universe.

Wallow Wednesdays XIII

Year 2020 is proving to be the worst year in my entire existence. I’ve been in an on and off slump about life and nothing seems to give me some form of motivation no matter how hard I try to bounce back from the loss I just recently started to build. This past few days have been the worst so far to the point wherein I just want to sleep forever. I don’t want to die and I’m not to the point wherein I harm myself. I just want to escape the reality that I’m in. Such cowardice from that statement but I just want to let it out, even just through words since I can’t tell it to anyone. I don’t want to add up as a source of negativity to anyone’s own battles in life. It was so hard if you are stripped away of the purpose you’ve wanted to do and now you’re left with nothing else. Once again lost in this sea of wandering and wondering through abyss and wilderness. Everything is like a circular motion of pain and grief, of sorrow and loneliness. A repetitive notion that leads to nowhere. I think that life is slowly becoming like that to me.

I’ve been sulking myself to a 13-year old tv series that I’ve watched when I was young. I chanced upon it again, watched it and now I don’t know if it helped me for the better or for worse. It seemed like I was trapped in this fantasy of love and conquering of against all odds in such an easy manner. But when I try to assess my own reality, it was far from that. It was far from the innocent and pure love I longed to have. It was far from putting hard work to escalate in the society. It was far from bliss and support that comes with extended families. It was all far from my own reality. And because of that, I just grew bitter. Why does my life had to be like this? Why do I have to be the unlucky ones to be affected by this gloom and disaster? Most of all, why do I have to go through this pain again? What did I do to be in this kind of state? I’m so tired of forcing myself to live in a healthy mindset. It’s hard to align my thoughts to positivity and let the law of attraction do its duty. I’m tired of being alone. I’m tired of wandering. I’m tired of this existence.

Why do I have to live my 20s in this era? Why is that my personal growth and advancement in society has to pause because of this worldly disaster? There are so many whys. So many questions and the answers are yet to be found.

I’m tired of not being strong and resilient enough to adapt in this new normal. I’m tired of being such a crybaby. I’m tired of not knowing what to do. I’m tired of being in this ongoing loop of despair and suffering.

I’m so sorry if you have chanced upon this post and all you have read are nonstop and nonsensical wordings of this weakling human. But if this is the only way I can express my thoughts without being judged of being too weak then I would highly throw away all the pain through my words.

Life is surely been tough and rough. There’s no greater reward waiting in all this mess. There’s only perseverance — in which I haven’t muster up until now.

This has been my 6-month journey of quarantine and lockdown. A none-ness and numbness about life; the uncertainty if I can still bounce back. I know that seasons don’t last forever; but for the record, you might witness one right here right now.

Goodbye. ‘Til the next depressing blog post.

Letter of a Sensitive Soul

I’m not really sure if I’m sensitive all along and I’m just finding it out now, or the sensitivity sprewed out because of all the national and personal crisis I’ve gone through ever since this year started.

On the first quarter of the year, I’m still trying to contain the sanity and still forcing myself to believe that everything’s going to be better even though my gut feel states otherwise.

Then, the next quarter of the year exploded and now everyone of us is affected by this disaster. The weakling that I am is still mortified that the life that I’m slowly building fresh from its mess is now back to zero.

I’m a mess all over again.

Around March, I’ve been trying to make connections with people hoping that somehow it’s going to ease the pain that I’m feeling. I’m looking for support system. Though I didn’t really tell it to people directly, but yes, I want attention. I want to be noticed; I don’t want to feel the loneliness that is slowly creeping up in my system. There are some people who really listened. Then some, in whom I didn’t really felt that deep concern. I don’t want to be too selfish, you know. Everyone has their own life and the world doesn’t revolve around me. But there are just times wherein you want to gain support from the people—especially to those you expect to be there—only to get disappointed. I don’t blame them. Everyone has their own battles to face. And adding my battle to theirs is just unfair for them. 

And so I realized I’ve had enough. I’m always the one to ask, to make the first move. Now, I’m over and done. If they won’t communicate then that’s fine at all. I won’t approach anymore. I’m just tired of expecting too much from people.

To be honest, I’m at fault as well. I am the kind of person who burn bridges not because I don’t like them anymore but because when depression and anxiety dominates me, I’m starting to form my own little shell and just stay away from the world. That includes the closest of friends. I don’t tell them; I just do it. In a snap, I’ll be gone in their lives. They will not hear anything from me. I’ve been like this ever since teenager. And that’s probably the reason why I didn’t have childhood friends. 

I’m always sensitive when it comes to the attention. I don’t directly tell the person I need them everytime I’m in my low points of life. But when sorrow consumes me, I always feel neglected everytime I am not being noticed even in the slightest attention I made. Not responding to my chats? Sensitive. Not responding to my posts? Sensitive. Therefore, good riddance.

I guess that is and will be my toxic trait. When I get tired, I just leave. No more explanation. I won’t be initiating a conversation ever again unless you started one. If I get annoyed at you for not being there for me when I need you the most, I won’t hesitate to stop caring for you anymore. I will quietly get out of your life and won’t come back. 

Yes, you can call me a bitch or whatsoever.

But I hope I can also ask even just a little empathy. That I am also a person who needs to be checked from time to time. I am not strong all the time. I don’t even ask you to listen to my problems. I just want you to be there, sincerely. Nothing more. Nothing less.

Destruct and Disrupt

It starting to get tiring again. 

Endless cycles of wanting and searching, 

of trying and hoping, 

of planning and pretending. 

The joy is nowhere out of sight. 

The gladness is empty. 

The heart is sulking.

The last days of Her life 

to prepare for the death. 

It’s the ode to a farewell.

Her is done.

Her is gone.

The moments Her tried to relive, but mind is all blank.

The laughter Her tried to replicate, but lips is sealed.

The panic is Her sanctuary. 

The anxiety is Her hobby.

The excruciating pain becomes

An everyday part of Her.

The numbness and the guilt 

stays within Her.

Her tried to find answers.

Questions are within reach.

Her buried the answer.

Agony is Her friend.

Sensitivity is Her lust.

People? What is that?

Her is done begging for love.

The darkness is Her home.

The light must stay away from Her.

Someone is in hold of Her heart.

Torturing, breaking it into pieces.

Oh, how lovely it was. 

The pain makes Her smile.

Stop. Don’t do anything.

Will you even keep on trying?

Nothing happens even if Her give everything.

The world is not Her home.

The silence is Her home.

Her, close your eyes.

It’s time to let it go.

There’s no point in saving what was already dead.

Her, it’s time to go home.

Her don’t belong here.

Dark, come, embrace Her being.

Her is ready.

So long, farewell, it’s time to go.