Wallow Wednesdays III

Nothing’s new in my life.

That’s why I opt not to write an entry last Wednesday. It’s been the same, old routine.

Same people. Same circumstances.

I don’t even know what to write for this week’s entry. I know no one’s forcing me to do this but I felt like I just need to let out these emotions and thoughts in my mind no matter how nonsensical it is.

Where do I start? Hmmm.. I stay true to my word; I stopped watching a lot of K-dramas. However, I’m currently watching Father is Strange right now. It’s my first time to watch a family weekend drama with 52 episodes. The drama is ongoing right now and it’s in episode 42 as of now. I’m in episode 22 and the show keeps getting better. I love that the whole siblings are having their own spotlight with their respective lives. Hye Young is my most favorite character! She just embodies the modern woman. Independent and classy. She doesn’t need any man to get what she wants. She knows how to fight for herself and for the people she loves. She’s successful and rational as well. Aahhhh.. I hope to be like her, to be honest.

I’m also enjoying Mi Young’s and Joong Hee’s blossoming friendship. I think the romance won’t be in full circle soon but I’ll just enjoy this subtle ride with the two characters until it lasts.

Overall, this is the kind of light drama that I need. It’s kind of impossible that the characters are connected with each other but I love how they addressed each problems that can possibly happen in real life. And for that, my heart is full and I’m all in with the shenanigans of this strange family.

Looks like I won’t be able to watch this theater play I’ve been eyeing for a month now. Ticket is just expensive and as always, I’m broke. Aside from that, I don’t have someone to watch with me. It sucks, but I need to prioritize what’s important.

I don’t really want to write about this “thing” so I won’t go into specifics. ‘Coz I think if I write everything about it, I’m admitting to myself that there is really something to worry about. I’m trying my best not to jump into that cliff and save myself so that I won’t get hurt. I just hate the fact that this person can see right through me and know what’s in my mind or how I live my life even though I’m not telling much. This person is not the right person to break my walls. I know I’ve been waiting for someone to unravel the different layers of my personality but that person can’t definitely be that someone. It’s just so complicated. I don’t want my heart to be swayed easily ‘coz this won’t definitely go anywhere. I know that my feelings won’t be reciprocated. So I just have to stop this. This is just a phase. This will be over soon.

I rarely talked about love life ‘coz I don’t have any. Ha ha! To be honest, I want to feel romance. I want to feel how it is to be loved and adored by someone. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach. However, I don’t think I can love someone. Just thinking about someone who’ll barge in my life makes me worrisome already. I’m just confusing. I want to feel the thrill of someone slowly knowing everything about me but at the same time I don’t want him to change the ways that I’ve been used to all my life. I’m just complicated. Sometimes it frustrates me too.

With that being said, I feel like I don’t have the right to be happy. I’m scared to feel happiness. Maybe it’s because I’ve never felt happiness in such a long time that whenever I’m slowly feeling it, my system can’t accept it. I don’t deserve to be joyful. I’m scared that if I’ll experience that genuine and deep happiness, a circumstance will just take it away from me. Come to think of it, I’ve never felt inner peace in such a long period of time. I’m always scared and worried. It’s hard for me to think and pursue what I want for the future ‘coz someone will take it away from me. I’m scared to discover new heights alone because I know it will be taken from me or because I don’t deserve it.

I don’t deserve to feel genuine happiness. I don’t deserve to have a decent and successful life. I don’t deserved to be loved. I don’t deserve to live my life to the fullest. Every positivity will always lead me to think of negativity. There is always a “but” in every hope.

Sadness is swallowing my system again.

This will be forever part of my life.

 

Wallow Wednesdays II

I rarely cry.

I cry whenever I watch a relatable scene in a drama that I’m watching or if I am sso much immersed in a novel that I’m reading. But crying because of life issues? That is really rare to happen.

If life keeps on frustrating me, I just want to cry it all but unfortunately no tears were coming out. It’s hard for me to cry. I don’t cry easily.

Last night was one of those few moments wherein I just burst it all out and cry nonstop.

This week wasn’t a good week. Funny how I’ve shown positivity on my last week’s post but ended up getting disappointed and frustrated at myself, even at life.

First, I didn’t attend the cabin crew recruitment. Major reason was I’m just so lazy about going in the venue. I’m living in the countryside and I’m on a vacation from work but I’m just so tired to work on CV and outfits for the recruitment. In other words, I don’t have motivation. To be honest, I’m not sure if I still want this job badly. I feel like the only reason I wanted this is because I’m fit for this job, or I don’t have anything that I’m good at and my physical appearance fits the role of a cabin crew (as anyone will always tell me). So I taught, that maybe, this is the job that I can do. The problem is that I don’t have the motivation to go out there, let these recruiters scrutinize me from head to toe and decide if they’ll accept me or not. I want the easiest way to get the job. I don’t want to suffer anymore and accept rejections all the time. I’ve been trying for four times already and even in the first round, which is the physical test, I can’t even pass.

Yeah, yeah. The reason is because I don’t have confidence and I do not believe in myself. Maybe I have to badly want this first so that I’ll do anything just to get it. The funny thing was that, in my height of badly wanting to be a cabin crew, whenever I go to a recruitment, when I’m already standing in front of everyone, the confidence that I’ve mustered and collected just vanished in an instant.

I’m having second thoughts about this career. I’m just feeling demotivated especially with what’s haunting in my life right now. I am being haunted by the past. I just want to normally live this life and be like everyone else. Why do I have to be reminded by that stupid prophecy all the time? What’s even worse is that I’m letting it affect my whole system and just feeling like a scaredy cat!

Going back, now I’m planning to go to that airline company and have a walk-in interview because I’ve neglected going in their cabin crew recruitment twice. I even go on a vacation leave just for the recruitment but I’m always not going. But then, all are just plans; there’s no action and execution. I’ll plan to go and be hopeful but if that day comes every positive attitude is gone in an instant to the point that I won’t just go anymore.

Second, maybe this is just a hormonal issue and I might have my period on the following days. This is just a hunch but my emotions are becoming so magnify when I’m nearing that time of the month. So if I’m feeling agitated or frustrated or extremely sad, that’s my signal that I’ll be having my period already. I think this could be one of the reasons of this sudden change of mood ‘coz I am extremely hopeful and dreamy last week and now, it’s all gone.

Third, I’m having family issues that I can’t even (or I chose not to) let out in my system. I can’t/don’t even want to talk nor write about this. It’s a very sensitive topic and I just want to think that nothing serious is happening but I’m aware that it’s been going on for years now.

I’m depressed and I just don’t want to live anymore. I don’t want to die; I want to sleep forever. I want to be numb and I don’t want to have emotions. I even wish I have amnesia just so I can remove all these memories and start with a clean slate. I suddenly remember the premise of Circle. If removing memories will help cure people then be it. Now I want my memories to be remove minus the Human B having a copy of my memory! I don’t want to be in this pain and agony all my life.

This is how I am broken right now.

On to the good stuff….

After this I’ll be watching the last four episodes of Lookout. I just hope all will be well with our Lookout squad and just please let that bitch attorney’s son suffer. I loathe him the most out of all the villains. If he doesn’t have an ounce of resentment with what he’s done, he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. It’s the same with Seung Ro.

I’ll just watch the last two episodes of Suspicious Partner as well (I think it’ll end this week) and then I might hibernate in the world of K-dramas. I don’t know. This season I’ve watched a lot of ongoing dramas (four dramas are a lot for me) and I feel like I just need to take a break. I’ve lost my interest with Fight my Way and still not in the mood to watch the last four episodes. I’m gonna focus my time finishing American Gods (w/c I wasn’t even able to hold this whole week!) or watch/rewatch Ji Chang Wook’s dramas after his enlistment. My Wookie side of heart is slowly dying. 😭😭 He’ll be gone for two years! How will I handle that?!

BUT!

If there is a drama that piques my interest, then I might watch it. My competitive side doesn’t want to lose to those Kdrama watchers (esp the new ones) since K-dramas are quite a hit now and everyone watches and I don’t want to be left behind. I think that’s the reason why I watch almost all ongoing dramas right now. However, I’m not tailored for that kind of drama watching. From now on, I’ll go back to what I always do in watching Kdramas. I’ll watch what I think is good and enjoyable and stick to it; no need to force myself to watch a drama just because it’s popular and everyone’s raving about it.

Getting ready for this week

I’m still feeling hallow and tired about everything. I don’t even want to go to work tomorrow. Just thinking about it is making me feel dreadful. So I’m not gonna expect something positive to happen ‘coz the last time I did that nothing good happens. So I won’t be expectant and make every tomorrow surprise me of what’s gonna happen.

Hey, that’s a good mantra right now, isn’t it?

 

Wallow Wednesdays I

I started this day binge-watching episodes of Korean drama’s Lookout. I was still awake at 12am, in front of my laptop, feeling all sorts of emotions on what’s happening with the heroine and the gang. I just have to stopped around 3am because I really need to sleep. It’s dawn already and if I’ll continue, I might even see the sun rise.

Having still awake at midnight, I sorta did a salubong of Ji Chang Wook’s birthday. He’s 30 by now and set to enlist in the army after his ongoing drama, Suspicious Partner. He’s my oppa that I’m currently obssessed with; he’s even my wallpaper! I happened to watch some Running Man episodes yesterday with him as one of the guests, and, oh boy, he’s just so freaking adorkable! Park Bong Soo is real!

I woke up with the news that Song Joong Ki and Song Hye Kyo announced their marriage this October! I have to checked some sites to know if it’s legit, and it really is! There were speculations even before about them dating but I can’t believe it’s really true! Congratulations, SongSong couple! Now, I have this desire to rewatch Descendants of the Sun again!

Speaking of K-dramas, I just finished Circle: Two Worlds Connected last Monday (I also slept late because I have to finished it!) and it was superb! Too bad the drama is underrated. It doesn’t reach their expected ratings of 3%. Yeo Jin Gu is such a delight to watch! What a brilliant actor. And I’m also having a girl crush to the actress who portrayed Byul/Han Jung Yeon. Her acting delivery as Byul (alien) is just both creepy and lovely to watch. I love how the show did not left its core – love. It’s the driving force of everyone. The brother’s love for each other stays until the end of the episode. From the BETA project up to the Brave New World, they did not stop looking for each other because of love. They want Human B to end because they know that it’s better to keep the memories, even agonizing, than having no memories at all. I’m proud with Le Ho Soo’s redeeming moment. He just pissed me of big time during the former episodes. It’s good that he realizes his mistake at the end and help our team to find Woo-Jin. My favorite character is Lee Hyun Suk. If you read some former entry, I empathize characters like Hyun Suk. He’s will to live ended him to join the bad force. He’s too coward to leave Human B even though he knows it’s wrong. I feel you, bro. I feel you.

I’m dying to find some answers on who really Byul is and where she came from but they use that mystery as their ending to make viewers be more curious. Arrrggghhh, show. Why? Are you hinting a Season 2?

I think I have to stop talking about Circle by now. I shoulda make a separate post about it. Tee hee. But if you’re a lover of Kdramas, you have to watch this. It’s a rare gem in Kdramaland, I tell you!

Book

I’ve been dividing my little time binge-watching dramas and reading a new book, American Gods by Neil Gaiman. I’ve always feel like I’m in an adventure whenever I read Gaiman’s novels. I’m not yet in the mid-half of the novel but it’s slowly unraveling the mystery of the gods. I’m sort of knowing and understanding who’s Mr. Wednesday. I’m slowly falling in love with the book. I will always be amazed with Neil Gaiman’s writing style and the richness of his imaginations to come up with this kind of stories.

Other stuff

I’m financially unstable right now. It’s my fault for being this way. In my quest to enjoy this life, I’ve been indulging too much to expensive delight such as theater plays, which is such an expensive hobby. I have a lot of expenses lately but my salary is not cooperating. I realized that if you want to enjoy life greatly, you must have money! And a lots of it.

Work and Life

I’m having an utter delight with these korean kids at work. They’re four siblings – oppa, unni and an identical twin sisters. They’re all so adorable! I’ve been wanting to develop a relationship with these kids so whenever I got the chance I talk to them a lot. I find out that Twin A doesn’t want to go with unnie and Twin B. The way the story was told to me was just so kyeopta!

During the first quarter of the year, I’m dreading to go to work. That was the worst so far. I know I’m not that fond with work anymore but those months I was just really dragging my way to work. Add on the emotional turmoil of the events surrounding my life. However, things just went on 360 degrees. Work became my stress-reliever now. There’s still that lingering feeling of not going to work but once I’m there, I don’t feel the passing of time. I like talking to kids and knowing a little about them. Maybe part of the reason is I started liking the activities assigned to our team. Then there were the “korean kids” who are very cute and adorable. Work became a safe haven.

I’ll be trying another cabin crew recruitment this Saturday and I’m feeling nervous and lazy at the same time. I should give it a try. I let go of the opportunity last May that cause me to lurk around and be tired of everything. I never really know why I wanted this job so bad. Yeah, it was a promise. A part of the past. But it’s different now. I’m no longer the girl in the past. I’m a brand new person today yet I still want it. Well, not as much as before but I feel like I belong to that career. I feel like that job is for me. A lot of people are telling me that I look like a cabin crew and pushing me to try it but it’s not as easy as it seems. Being a cabin crew is like going through a needle. It’s not just about the looks but on how people see me. It’s about my personality. It’s about myself and how I interact with people. I realized that first impression lasts.

Having said that, I’m just glad that I am getting to know myself better. My flaws and all that. It’s just the middle of the year but 2017 is proving me that this is not my best year. There were lots of things that happened, personal and national. I’m just scared of everything. I’m scared of the future, of the decisions I chose. Sometimes this is the reason why I’m tired to live this life dilligently. Hope will fire up only for it to die down once I remember those dreading events. What’s the use of living the life if it will only lead to destruction? What’s the use of dreaming if it will only end?

I hope that there will be good news at the end of the week. I hope to live even if it’s hard. I hope to dream even if there’s still no light at the end of the tunnel. I hope to pursue grander things in life. I hope to find a different purpose. I hope. Hope. Even it’s just merely a word, but the intensity of the meaning, will always lead me to survive eagerly. ‘Coz this is what Life is all about. You pass through the calm waves only to find a storm. And once the storm is over, you rest in the serenity of the waves only for it to get bigger again until you meet another raging storm. Yes, life is a cycle. It’s a never-ending journey through the unknown.

And while I’m in it, might as well fight the raging storm and indulge through the calm waves. As the song say, let’s just dance through life.

 

PS. I have a lot of errands to do but I’m just so tired to get up. Geez. This laziness is consuming me.

Wallow Wednesdays

wallow v. indulge in an unrestrained way in(something that creates a pleasurable sensation)

I’m trying really best to post an entry in this blog, whether it be about K-dramas, books or anything about my life. However, these past few months it’s just so hard to come up with ideas and words on what to write. Sometimes I think my capacity to write is slowly taking its toll. It’s just so hard to weave words again, to come up with beautifully crafted words that will create a meaningful post.

Hence, an idea popped into mind. This will give me freedom to unravel the deepest pit in my heart and put all into it in words. Wallow Wednesdays is like a weekly diary about everything that is happening to me. It’s like dumping here everything that’s on my mind. There are no specific topics; just anything that will spur out of the moment.

Why Wednesdays?

First, it’s one of my rest days from work. So I have plenty of time to write because this is my day.

Second, it’s the middle of the week. Okay. It’s really nothing special about it but there’s something exhilarating about the fact that there’s some things that happened already, whether good and bad,  and more great things awaits you before the week ends. Hey, it’s not too bad to be optimistic, right?

And so, Wallow Wednesdays was born!

Topics will vary depending on my mood, but expect to read more about K-dramas, K-actors, books, songs, work or about life itself.

So if you happened to stumble this blog and read this post, you’re actually gonna find out who I really am, what my thoughts are, and what am I feeling as of the moment. If you can relate to all my dramas and even fangirling stuff in life, feel free to share your thoughts as well.

PS. I was planning to merge the intro and the first post of Wallow Wednesdays, but just decided (out of the spur of the moment) to separate it so I can write more!

See you on my first post!

With love,

urigureumi

 

 

Where does Life will take me?

I don’t know what happened.. It just happened. Without any warnings. Bad decisions one after another. Then I just found myself having this kind of life. I actually don’t know what to feel. ‘Coz it feels like I’m a totally different person now haunted by my past life.

I was so depressed the last time I remember. Then I found an escape route to avoid more heartaches. This time I feel like I’m free yet still imprison. Sounds ironic, right? Yeah, maybe my life is planned to be ironic. The plan for my life is a disaster.

I have a job now. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing though. ‘Coz I was looking at some parts of myself and realized it was slowly fading. I am such a happy-go-lucky girl, full of humour and joy. I crack some jokes from time to time to my friends. I engage with deep conversations that is healing to one’s life and soul. Now, all I see is a void. A lost woman with no identity. I turned out to be this antisocial person who keeps quiet during group talks. I can’t even engage with them properly because it seems like I forgot how to. I just keep silent; most of the time thinking what have happened to me. This isn’t me before. But it is me now. And I unmindedly choose this way. The moment I ran away from my calling is the moment I threw away every ounce of beautiful things inside of me. I may be beautiful outside but my soul is purely black. With no sense of being. Just plain person with no more soul.

And, yeah, this is my life right now. Living inside of my comfort zone. Unsure of what life lies ahead. But surprisingly, I’m liking it. ‘Coz I felt like a real person. A human. Full of flaws, mistakes and uncertainty. This is how it shouldn’t be. But believing for something great in my life already died a long time ago. I just want to go with the flow. Although still fearing of the future, fearing for the prophecy, I’ll still go with the flow and see where this choice will lead me. Regret or reward will come soon so maybe I just have to prepare for it.

It’s been a long time since I last wrote something about myself. But writing keeps my soul awake. No matter how many grammar lapses I have in every paragraph, I still want to write. ‘Coz it’s my only cure. ‘Coz I’m bottling up all my emotions inside and I couldn’t think of any person to damp all my frustrations in life. How I miss writing. How I miss forming words while tapping my fingers to the keyboard. How I miss typing every word that comes in my mind no matter how random it is.

Going back to my life right now. I just want to ask myself if I’m happy. Am I happy? I think it’s such a hard question. ‘Coz maybe I’m happy but not to the point of being joyful. It’s a shallow kind of happy. Not the kind of happy that penetrates to the deepest of my soul. My mind is in ruckus right now.

Maybe I’ll just indulge myself with lots of K-dramas to heal my soul temporarily. Let me just escape, even for just two days. Just give me time to recharge myself and to go back to a life that is full of shenanigans.

Why

I have an old WordPress account which tackles more about spirituality and college experiences. It was doing good because I’m always updating blog posts full of inspirational words that I knew comes from my heart. It doesn’t have a lot of followers but knowing there are few people who got inspired with every post, it’s more than enough for me so I pushed through with it. Writing was an outlet I discovered way back college and I felt like I was good with it during that time. All the words left unsaid became an entry and it was always flooded with thoughts and emotions. Writing was a healing escape. Writing was a new found skill. Until life happens.

You know when the universe is trying to test your soul and character but because you’re still weak and fragile, you end up failing it. You failed every test and it became a snowball effect. Nothing good comes out of it afterwards. And probably that’s the thing that happened to me. I was so devastated and angry with life that I can’t manage to write wonderful words anymore. All I can think about was negativity and I felt like that was the end of me. It was a hard time. And every skill I acquired back then just vanished and escaped. That includes my capacity to write. To weave words and create an inspirational message out of it. I was lost. How can I write if I’m not in the zone? And so I stopped.

Then came a ray of sunlight again. Now I’m trying to rebuild everything that was lost. I’m trying to form a new me. Though still a bit lost and confused, I still need to survive this life and make the most out of it. Most of the time it still dawned on me how I was way back then. As I assess myself now, some traits never left. The character that I have learned through those years still remain that I don’t know if I should be happy or sad about it.

There are still hardships, of course. It’s just so vastly different. There were times that I’m still terrified of what might happen in the future but I’m just trying to erase it. I don’t want it to bother me at all. I don’t want it to be a hindrance of the life I’m slowly rebuilding. I don’t want it to have a negative effect on me.

I can say goodbye to the old me and say hello to a new life that lies ahead. It’s still full of uncertainty and I don’t know if I choose the right path. I want to know how it is to live in this kind of world. I want to know the flaws and beauty of it. I want to feel again.

And so I write. I write again. I wanna write again. To pour out these words. To flood this blog with happiness whenever a new episode of Kdrama comes out. To cry out words whenever I’m sad or worried. To bring out the fangirl inside of me. To share my ecstatic feeling whenever I see a different world that I used to know. To weave words again.

Maybe.. If I’ll write again. I can be healed. I can escape.