After a year
How do I even start? How do I even narrate a year of happenings in my life? I’ve been trying to control the whirlwind of emotions that is bound to happen inside my heart. I’ve been trying to tell my inner self that everything is alright, even though news and circumstances show otherwise. I’m in an inner battle. Funny how you triumph each war zone in your life only to realized there is a harder one that’s gonna come. I can now almost believe that Life might be a game, with a never ending levels, with lots of enemies to fight. The question is does it bother making through each level? Is there truly a great reward waiting for me at the end of it all?
How do I even begin? All I really want is to write all these emotions inside of me, which I always do. When the going gets rough, I release everything through constant typing of words and just releasing all this vibes outside my system.
Let me start by telling you a story. Once upon a time, there’s this heartless lady who believed that true love doesn’t exist, or loving someone includes heartaches and sacrifice, of compromising and understanding in which she promised won’t be her downfall. This lady believed that she doesn’t need anyone in her life. She’s used to being alone, and she will make it that way until she gets old. However, this lady has a secret. Deep within her, she wants to feel rainbows and butterflies. She wants someone who will make her feel important. She wants to meet someone who is brave enough to pursue her no matter how many times she rebuild the walls that others try to infiltrate.
Later on, she was in a place where the spirit of lust, longing and romance are everywhere. She knew she was in another battle. She tried her best not to let those spirits devour her principles nor be led by her emotions that will falsely made her feel beautiful and wanted. She stand strong, not letting anyone destroy the walls she constantly build throughout her life. Until someone came along..
It wasn’t even a decade, or a year, or a month. It only took a week for that spirit to crash all those walls she built. And it also took a week for that spirit to crash her heart hoping something more will happen, something more will escalate, that for once in her life, this might be worth the risk.
At first, she just wants to play along. Heck, she loved the feeling of someone making her feel special. But then a sudden news came that stopped her from diving into those foreign feelings. A news that is like warning her that if she proceeds, it’s like trampling on those principles she held all her life. And so she did what she knows best. She stopped. She backed off. SHE TRIED HER BEST TO STOP. But this sensations betrayed her. Little did she know, she was still in a trance.
Until fate did its job… She was taken away from that place. This wonderful nightmare needed to end. But what good does it did to her? She went back to her place still on a trance, still on a high, with the lingering hope that maybe there could be something more. Conscience and Selfishness started to argue but the former is still winning.
She was left alone, bringing her memories along with her, to the reality she was supposed to be in.
Is it even possible to be attached in just a short period of time? I knew myself as a person who takes a while to give trust to someone. It takes time for me to feel comfortable being vulnerable to people. But with this one, I chose to trust and open my heart. I guess my discernment was wrong this time. I know soon time will do its work and one day I will wake up with no more lingering hope for something to happen. I know it’s gonna be sooner than I expected. For now, let me wallow on to these memories because this is all I have left with.
With the global pandemic happening right now, I’m trying my best to stay as calm as possible. I don’t want to drown myself with anxiousness and uncertainty. But there are just those unguarded times where it creeps out. If I’m not thinking about the almost love, mind starts drifting to the possibility of the unknown. When is this all gonna end? Can I still go back to my former job? Is this the start of an apocalypse era? Why do I have to be living at this era? Just when I thought I’m starting my life that’s where a national crisis decides to slap your face saying “na-ah! you wish!”.
I am used to isolation. I can even stay in our house for three months without going outside. But this kind of isolation is different. Because in the former I CHOSE NOT TO go outside, with this one, I AM FORCED to stay inside for health purposes. And that’s a lot different.
After a Year
This is me after a year: still lost and uncertain, still in doubt and misery, still weak yet trying to be strong. Maybe I know the way out in this chess game of life I am in right now, I just choose to stay and be imprison by my misery.