Wallow Wednesdays VIII

If there is one object or channel I have always been honest with, it is in this blog. I never hid my struggles in here; in fact, writing here is slowly making my mind and body heal. I’ve been in a constant tussle of starting a brand new spectacle of this life, but there were days that it’s just really hard to get by. It’s hard for me to accept the fact that I’m fated to stay here — in an unknown place I can’t name as well, and not there — in a different unknown place with lots of grander possibilities.

Sometimes I would see these people, already achieved better things in life, and feel a surge of insecurity as they embarked their dream life — grandiose places, bigger world to unravel and a whole new different trials to overcome in relation to their dream. I also dream of same things; but how come it’s hard for me to get there? Is it because at the back of my mind I still yearn for instant gratification? Is it because the best that I am exerting is not enough to achieve all of it? But what if it’s already fate that’s saying you, “not yet”. If it’s not yet, then when will it be? As Ariel sang in Little Mermaid, “When’s it my turn? Wouldn’t I love? Love to explore that shore up above. Out of the sea, wish I could be, Part of Your World.”

It’s so easy to say to a devastated person the lines, “Maybe it’s not yet the right time” or “Better things are in store for you” but to be honest, it’s just rubbing salt to the wound, and I am guilty of those actions as well. I’ve always stay in silence when a person, even close to mine, is struggling so hard. And even though I don’t mention it to them, at the back of my mind having the “faith mentality” will solve all those pain. Truth be told, it won’t change the circumstances of the person. And now, people are telling me to just hold on; but it’s hard. It’s hard to believe especially if everything’s just chaos and oblivion.

How do you even save yourself from all sorts of pain? The feeling of waking up in the morning and suddenly feeling the sorrow and defeat make my days so unbearable. There will be moments of lingering hope but suddenly will shatter once I realize the state that I’m still in. And maybe, cynical thoughts will quash once I come out of this situation. The question is: will I come out alive?

Japanese Dramas

As I am in the state of depression, I continuously indulge myself with doramas of Kimura Takuya. God, I just can’t stop talking about this actor. I have no plans of watching Beautiful Life anymore as I know the ending but my crazy impulse just found myself skimming every episode until I reached the end last night. And knowing the ending, it did not sort of leave a heavy impact to me. I believe that if I haven’t known how it ends, I’ll be in cryfest for days, atop with my emotional disaster. I am still controlling myself to watch Good Luck and Hero because I feel like I don’t deserve to have a drama marathon considering how messed up my life is and rewarding myself of the time to binge watch these dramas is a sin. I don’t deserve to squeal over dramas right now until I figure out an escape to the mess I’m in. And so, as much as I want to, let me pause my Takuya’s drama marathon for now until I got my shit together. I hope I can do this, though.

I am telling myself over and over again that consuming most of my time watching dramas is not making my emotional turmoil heal. I feel like I just need to make my time productive, even though I don’t know how.

Korean Dramas

I am in my ongoing watch of Touch your Heart and Romance is a Bonus Book, though I still haven’t watch this week’s episodes of the latter. I can’t help but compare the former with What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim, mostly because it has the same director and probably the drama is also based on manhwa (not sure with it though). Still, the show is feel-good and both main actors have this natural and explosive chemistry that you just want them to be together. I don’t have problems with the plot. As shallow or cliche it seems to be, I don’t care. I just want a fluffy drama to cover black spots in my chest.

Romance is a Bonus Book, on the other hand, is also a fluffy drama starring the fluff and cute that is Lee Jong Suk. Gosh, any drama with Lee Jong Suk in it is hypnotizing me to continue watching Kdramas. I love the conversations and dialogues presented in every episode especially towards the ending scene. I love the supporting characters. I love that they’re showing the struggles of publishing a book especially in an era where almost everything is digital. I love how it shows the different struggles of every character. I have soft spot with characters that are not shown to be perfect and have-it-all life.  Though I just don’t have the interest of watching the latest episode and I don’t know why. Okay. okay. I have to admit, I’m still in a Kimura Takuya drama hangover. Teehee.

I also had an interest with The Light in Your Eyes especially in the first two episodes. I can relate with the characters and how depressing their lives are, until the fantasy elements happened. It would’ve been a better drama for me if there’s no time jump that happened and the show just presented the struggles of the two main characters when it comes to their dreams and life as a whole plus the romance between them. Nam Joo Hyuk is slaying his character whereas Han Ji Min’s rocking hers. I must say their chemistry is palpable and I would love to see their journey both as couple and individual. The turnout of the succeeding episodes is personally not working for me and to be honest, I just want a simple slice-of-life drama that reflects my struggles too; no time jump. No fantasy.

Books

I’ve come to a fact that I haven’t read for a long period of time. The last book I read was To all the Boys I’ve Loved Before Trilogy and right after that, Life happened thus straying myself away from good books. Now, I just want to read again, preferably self-help books just so I can input some positivity in this pessimistic cloud circling in my head. I downloaded epub such as The Power of Now, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living, and Persuasion by Jane Austen to name a few. I hope my perspective will change as I read this books and that not only knowledge but also certainty fills my mind as I delve into this books.

Back to Reality

Aaahhhh.. The feeling of being alive but is wallowed by sorrow is both agonizing and tremendously scarring my system. Right now, I want to believe that greater things are in store for me and that I should start fresh. It’s still hard for me to accept the fact that I had to go through it the hard way and that time and luck is never in my side all this time.

I want to start afresh and live with no expectations. No more dreaming big. But at the other side of spectrum, I want to push myself to the limits. I want to try harder and live farther in spite of suicidal thoughts (this is not alarming so dont worry. Im not brave enough to kill myself. lol).

I hope this time the Law of Attraction applies to me and I just attract the finer things in life and blind my sight to see others’ achievements. We all have our struggles, with some having achieved their dreams in life but is continually surviving in a grueling world, while others still trying to find their place in the world. I am not yet in a total healing as I still have thoughts of envy and jealousy towards others who have their shit together. But someday, I hope I can change the course of my life, without Someone telling me to do this and that; because the holy betrayal penetrates so deep I don’t think it’s gonna heal in a short period of time.

 

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WALLOW WEDNESDAYS VI

It was a tough week but I still managed to pull it through. I finally went on to a cabin crew recruitment and much to my dismay, I didn’t get in. Of course, it hurts and it stings. The pain lingered on for a moment. But there’s nothing I can do but to rise up again. Surprisingly, I’m on a better state now. I’m still alive and kicking.

I don’t want to elaborate further on what happened during that day. All I know is that the dream ignited something inside my soul. It made me realized that this is what I really wanted to do. I may not fully understand what comes with the job and why I badly want it, but all I know is that I am born to do this. I am born to be a flight attendant. It’s what I really want in life.

With that being said, I realized I have a lot of growing up to do especially on how I deal with life. I think part of the reason I didn’t get in was because of how I carry myself. These people see right through me. They’ve seen my flaws and it reflects too much on the outside. It sucks but I really need to improve myself.

I’m still having an identity-crisis. Aside from the girl who loves watching K-dramas, who am I? What are my beliefs? What do I stand for? It seems like I’m just going with the current. I’m going with the flow.

I just stopped. ‘Coz I seemingly can’t think of other words to continue this journal. It dawned on me that I am so imperfect and I don’t like how I handle my life. Is there any guide on how to be tough, independent and sassy just like the other ladies I know from afar? How many trials should I experience for me to become the woman I wanted to be?

It’s really hard to have a face-to-face battle with Life. It’s hard to challenge it.

I have a lot of emotional baggages right now and so I’m not fully updating this corner of my internet. I also realized that nothing is happening in my life. There’s no twist and turns. There’s not much excitement. My life is boring.

If I will write all the thoughts that’s in my mind, I will only be reminded of so many things that I want to forget even for the meantime. I want to bury pending responsibilities or how impulsive I am in almost everything.

 

But please, self, here’s one thing that you have to remember: You are not perfect and you have your own fair share of flaws. And it’s okay. It’s gonna be okay. Don’t let hurtful words hinder you to learn more about life and yourself. Don’t let other people dictate what you have to do in life. The only person who knows what’s best for you is yourself. How you handle life is your responsibility; they’re just bystanders. Don’t let them crush you. Don’t let them belittle you. You are your own version of beauty and classy. And one day, you’ll look back with all these dilemmas, with all the people who think less of you and you’ll be glad you’ve experienced all of this. Because this will make you who you are.

You’ll get over this, soon. You’ll find your place in the world. So, forget about the past. Forget about the people who doesn’t appreciate you. Forget about everything that’s blocking your way.

Create a better version of you. Be bold enough. Read more books. Go out some more. Meet new people.

Change your perspective and your perspective will change you.

You are more worthy than a diamond. Shine bright and let your light beams all throughout that surrounds you.

 

xoxo,

urigureumi

Wallow Wednesdays V

Here I am again, with a tinge of hope sparkling as new days lies ahead. I’ve been wanting to  experience life to the fullest because for the last years I kept on controlling myself to achieve new heights, to discover that there are things that is worth celebrating and achieving even thought the world is full of mess. I hope this sense of urgency to live and love life won’t die any soon, because whenever I have this great feeling I always end up being down and weary on the following weeks.

Come fast, November, because I am willing to try another cabin crew recruitment at this local airline. I feel like this is the reason why I live, and every situation and knowledge that I have right now is because this is what I ought to do. I am born to serve while flying around to different places. I am born to be in the different parts of the world and discover more about culture and life than staying in the four corners of my room. I am born to be free, to be the captain of my own ship, to determine my happiness and to love myself. I am at my peak. I am discovering and unraveling more of myself better.

I realized that I don’t need anyone to be my friend. I don’t need the approval of everyone. Slowly I am on my way of not giving a fuck of what everyone thinks of me. I am a certified people-pleaser and I don’t want to form arguments and fights with anyone or everyone. I am almost there. Just few more steps and hurdles; a little bit of practice then and there. Surely, I’m gonna master it.

I feel like I’m into taking the ladder of making my career successful. Right now, I’m not into focusing myself on finding a lover unlike other people in my age. If there will be, then fine but if there’s none, then it’s better as well. I don’t wanna rely my happiness to anyone. I want to be a whole person and I’m not yet ready to give half of it to someone else.

Books

I seriously want to read a book right now. I’m eyeing to read The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman but I can’t buy a copy because I’m broke. It seems like I just want to read Neil Gaiman’s novels  for now. I have a huge respect to this writer. Though I have to admit, American Gods wasn’t the right Neil Gaiman book for me. Nevertheless, I still felt its heart and soul. I felt emotions. And that’s what I like whenever I read a book or even watch series. More than the actions and the gripping scenes, more than its cinematography (which is a big plus point, still), I am more attracted to the story and how it builds up towards the end. I love seeing different characters and discovering their similarities with mine. I love finding out that we have the same dilemma and I love how they conquer everything that conflict throws away.

For some reason, more than the travelling stuff, I want to be more incline with arts now like watching a film and a theater play. I’ve been looking for someone for so many years to just engage in a very meaningful conversation and just talked about our thoughts when it comes to those film and plays we’ve watched. I’m gonna be lucky if that person watch K-dramas as well. Haha! I want to have someone like girlfriday of Dramabeans and just talked about it over some drinks. More than the satisfaction and entertaining factor, I want to talk about the story, characters and even plot holes. I want to talk about what was really good and what went wrong, its upside and downside. I just badly want someone whom I can talk with when it comes to this stuff ‘coz I’m really a fan of these type of art and entertainment.

New Perspective

Let me discover the good things in life one step at a time. Let me discover its rotten and ugly side too. Let me feel. Let me be happy and angry and sad. Let me hope. Let it spark alive. Let me live.

Wallow Wednesdays IV

Hello October!

It had been a long time since the last post and a lot of realizations and never ending worries consumed me for the last two months I haven’t write. I opt not to update this blog because I’m not in the zone to write all the happenings of my life as of the moment.

A very close friend at work resigned because she’ll be pursuing her plans to live abroad with her boyfriend. I’m really happy for her because she’s really following and living up the course of her life. It’s just really sad because I’ve been so attached to her and a year and a half feels so short for us to get to know each other better. I can’t imagine not seeing her at work. She’s one of the few close friends I have and now she’s not there anymore. I’m seriously gonna miss her!

Since it’s her last day, we decided to have fun a little bit and so we went to this high-end bar near at work. It was so fun since it’s my first time going there. For some reason, I think a divine intervention happened last last night, which totally sucks. I got an allergic reaction that caused swollen eyes. I look like a shit and if not had been with the make up and dim lights, I look like someone who just got her eyes done. On the other note, it was my first time after five years that I got drunk again. I don’t know if that’s a good thing ‘coz I feel embarrassed the next day, to those people who saw me on that mess. It was good feeling drunk but the after-effects made me cringe just the thought of what I’ve done.

I decided to be more carefree as the year is approaching to its end. This 2017 is a shitty year for me. It did not bring me luck and fortune and it made me realize how my life is such a mess. Should I expect the same or the worse next year? Still, I’m expecting something good will happen this year. It will compensate all the bad things this year had given me. So please, please, can you just let it happen?? It’s written in the book, in  my fate. I know it will happen. It’s inevitable. So just please, give it to me. So that I could go back to my purpose.

Career-wise, I’m having a lot of thoughts to resign. I’ve been feeling this since the first quarter of the year. I feel like I’ve learned what I learned in that company and now I have to venture to a different company where I can really learn a lot with the field I want to grow. I just really need to get that dream job happen so I can leave the company for good. I’m not gaining anything anymore and I feel I’m under-appreciated. No one’s motivating me. Colleagues and leader don’t trust me. I don’t feel like pushing myself to the limits. I don’t want to do it anymore. But you know, I gotta make a living. So I should endure all these things.

I felt like people are really interested in me right now. It was just so petty ‘coz they’re like bystanders trying to watch my every move now. I don’t want to elaborate anymore but I’m very uncomfortable knowing that there are people who talks about me and my life. I feel like I’m being judged and being laughed at about this certain happening in my life.

Korean Dramas

Still on a drama slump but got to watch dramas one at a time. School 2017 was really fun to watch since it’s been a long time since I’ve watched a high school drama. Kim Sejeong is so adorable that I binge-watched Produce 101 where she was first discovered. I’m currently watching Age of Youth and Temperature of Love. I’m not sure what to expect with the latter but Seo Hyun Jin and Yang Se Jung’s chemistry is a delight to watch. Finally, I can binge-watch Rescue Me (have to schedule that) since it’s finish already. I can’t live-watch it because it’s too stressful for me and I don’t want to wait a week for the next two episodes to come out. That is TORTURE. I will also start watching While you were Sleeping. LEE JUNG SUK! I soooo miss you in dramaland! Eyeing Revolutionary of Love with Siwon as his comeback drama after army and Kang Sora, and This Life is our First with Lee Min Ki and Jung So Min. Wow, talking about drama slump. Hahaha!

Life 

It’s hard to live and the last two months were both haunting and life-defying as well. I want to live my life to the fullest. Enjoy life at its finest and slowly break some barriers and walls. I don’t know what lies ahead but I just wish that life will turn itself 360 degrees and surprise me that there’s more to life than what I’ve grown and accustomed to. So please, you better be good at me and show me that to live is a greatest gift to have. Because I’m seriously not appreciating life right now.